Getting in my own head

[boltnrun]

Try not to continue the trend of trying to convince guys to like you, particularly when the red flags are flying.

 

Red flags shouldn't mean "gotta get him to like me!!". They should mean "do not proceed".

[Metaltwin70]

'Had contact this morning. Went cold again. Noticed he was changing bits of his online dating profile, adding info.

 

Guess I have my answer. 😞'

 

Sorry Amk. He can go whistle. I understand the sadness. Your time will come. You will look back at all these men who caused you so much sadness and chuckle to yourself and think: like I care.

[Alex39]

I just feel so much sadness. Inadequate.

 

Why can't I hold someone down. Over and over they just take off on me. I feel like I have a lot going for me, and they all acknowledge me being great as well, but then they always leave looking for something better. What about me is so wrong that they don't want to stick around?

 

I just feel so defeated and hard on myself that I wasn't good enough or pretty enough or interesting enough that someone wanted to keep me around.

 

Every single friend I have has a boyfriend. Every single one. And I'm the odd single one out. They all found guys who care for them and cherish them, who think they are amazing. And then there's me the sad single friend they constantly feel bad for every time I tell them another guy took off.

[Metaltwin70]

Amk you're going to get more well-meaning lectures on importance of self-esteem, therapy 'to get to the roots of your insecurities' and how 'you need to find happiness within' to your last post . All these things may well be true. At the end of the day though you WILL find yourself in the right place at the right time if you don't give up the search.

 

It's like looking for a job. You won't get one sitting home crying about how badly you want a job. You won't get one reading articles about how to land an interview. Costly job-search training sessions won't get you a job either. Telling yourself 'I don't necessarily need a job, I can be happy without one' won't help. One gets a job through applying for dozens of jobs every day online and everywhere else, signing up with recruitment agencies and attending as many interviews as possible. Action brings results. You WILL get there in the end.

[Batya33]

I just feel so much sadness. Inadequate.

 

Why can't I hold someone down. Over and over they just take off on me. I feel like I have a lot going for me, and they all acknowledge me being great as well, but then they always leave looking for something better. What about me is so wrong that they don't want to stick around?

 

I just feel so defeated and hard on myself that I wasn't good enough or pretty enough or interesting enough that someone wanted to keep me around.

 

Every single friend I have has a boyfriend. Every single one. And I'm the odd single one out. They all found guys who care for them and cherish them, who think they are amazing. And then there's me the sad single friend they constantly feel bad for every time I tell them another guy took off.

 

I warned you about not letting yourself react this way down the rabbit hole because someone you met a few times -and who made rude comments about overweight people right off the bat then chose to get too drunk to drive on the second date, etc has moved on after a few dates. Many people move on after a few dates. You should have moved on after he made those comments IMO and not played with fire given the red flags. This isn't an example of whether you can maintain a relationship. There was no relationship. There were a few dates with someone you really don't know -especially since on one of the dates he was drunk. Your approach is a cop out. It's a sure way to go down the pity party path and tell yourself how awful you are and how "everyone" has a "boyfriend." Please do not take the easy way out if you want eventual marriage and family. Rise above it, brush off your little boo boo - feel what you feel and react in a different way. None of this "ohhhh but I can't help it!!! I realllyyy liked him!!!" Feel that way and do what you need to do to not respond with this self-pity and comparison game.

 

It doesn't matter if your friend's boyfriends think they are "amazing" - you know what's amazing? At 6am my son, husband and I used: a clorox wipe, a hard cover book, a paper towel, lysol spray and bug spray to kill one almost dead huge roach that was pretty darn fast at 6am. And we only bickered a little about our approaches and ended up feeling like we'd made a real team effort. That's amazing. Not whether all the friends you choose to have currently have boyfriends who roll out the red carpet. You have no clue what goes on behind closed doors -it might be even more amazing than you imagine, it might be boring, it might be awful - and who cares. My dear friend who seemed to have the most awesome power couple marriage with two adorable boys is now in her early 40s, going through an awful divorce, lost her top level exec job and her husband has a serious addiction. You never know. Ever. No guarantees.

 

But there is one guarantee- if you continue to react to your normal, typical self-pity feelings in the way you are choosing to react you will assure yourself of meeting people who don't want to be with you and continue this cycle. And you will get cynical which will give you early wrinkles and other icky stuff. Make a different choice if you truly want marriage and family - and if you realize you don't really want it because it's comfier to have the pity party -go at it -but you will have made a choice.

[Wiseman2]

Often this is par for the course. Try to let things evolve, don't try to turn them into a bf right away. Sit back and decide if you like them, want to continue etc, instead of playing a defensive game. "Plans" are not plans unless there is a plan. It seems you already know what's happening.

 

Way too much, way too soon. Too much messaging, too much chasing, too many early-on in-home dates and guys crashing at your place. Too much rationalizing that this is the "new trend". Too much lecturing, too much indecision. Too much begging, offering to make dinner, etc.

 

It's simple...you chase too hard. There is no mystery, there is no time to let things develop. Why does a drunk/hungover guy need to see you first thing in the morning on the third date?

 

All you can do is slow way down. Do not sell yourself or lecture about your virtues. Let someone discover who you are through your actions. Mean what you say, say what you mean. Do not engage in too many text convos, let someone ask you out in person to talk to you. Keep texting very short and very simple. Keep someone interested by piquing their interest rather than hanging it all out there.

I feel like I have a lot going for me, and they all acknowledge me being great as well. the sad single friend they constantly feel bad for every time I tell them another guy took off.

[boltnrun]

Try to rein in the "I'm very excited!!!" and thinking that texting means a relationship.

 

Seems, too, you are overly attracted to men who pull away and/or have glaring red flags.

 

I'd want to find out why.

[Metaltwin70]

As far as red flags.

 

I have a single friend, she turned 40 this year. She's been 'red-flagging' people all her life and as a result has never actually had anything remotely resembling a relationship. Anything from 'he's a chef, chefs do drugs' to 'he is too skinny' to 'he is 45, that is too old for me'. In real life, not the self-help book life, anyone over the age of 25 who's lived life will have a few 'red flags' to them. If you spend your life red-flagging people you will most likely spend your life alone. It's one thing to excuse/be prepared to deal with things like abuse or criminal record for the sake of having a partner. But quite another to find fault with everyone you meet just because deep inside you are scared to take a chance.

[katrina1980]

Often this is par for the course. Try to let things evolve, don't try to turn them into a bf right away. Sit back and decide if you like them, want to continue etc, instead of playing a defensive game. "Plans" are not plans unless there is a plan. It seems you already know what's happening.

 

Way too much, way too soon. Too much messaging, too much chasing, too many early-on in-home dates and guys crashing at your place. Too much rationalizing that this is the "new trend". Too much lecturing, too much indecision. Too much begging, offering to make dinner, etc.

 

It's simple...you chase too hard. There is no mystery, there is no time to let things develop. Why does a drunk/hungover guy need to see you first thing in the morning on the third date?

 

All you can do is slow way down. Do not sell yourself or lecture about your virtues. Let someone discover who you are through your actions. Mean what you say, say what you mean. Do not engage in too many text convos, let someone ask you out in person to talk to you. Keep texting very short and very simple. Keep someone interested by piquing their interest rather than hanging it all out there.

 

I echo Wiseman here. Straight and to the point.

 

Which is what many others have asserted as well, throughout ALL your threads about various guys.

 

What I don't quite understand is why you are not paying attention!

 

Instead choosing to follow your own typical agenda, which results in your losing the guy!

 

It's time for a different path, don't ya think? The path you've been taking for literally years is obviously not working.

 

Not sure if it's the guys you are choosing to fall for, or specific things you are doing that are pushing men away, perhaps it's a little of both.

 

But it's time for a change.

 

A couple of good books to read, which I believe have been recommended to you before:

 

"He's Scared, She's Scared."

 

"Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl."

 

I don't say this to be mean or offensive amk, but knowing your history over the years, you are the quintessential "fallback girl." Choosing unavailable or inappropriate guys, falling hard for them early on, and chasing them.

 

With this guy, I am glad you are not chasing, now please take it one step further, and stop responding to his crumbs and be done with it!

 

You will feel better for doing so, more empowered that YOU made that decision which in my opinion IS the right decision at this point.

[Wiseman2]

Also the book "He's Just Not That Into You".

A couple of good books to read, which I believe have been recommend to you before:

"He's Scared, She's Scared."

"Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl."

[reinventmyself]

I just feel so much sadness. Inadequate.

 

Why can't I hold someone down. Over and over they just take off on me. I feel like I have a lot going for me, and they all acknowledge me being great as well, but then they always leave looking for something better. What about me is so wrong that they don't want to stick around?

 

I just feel so defeated and hard on myself that I wasn't good enough or pretty enough or interesting enough that someone wanted to keep me around.

 

But you are measuring yourself by how some clown behaved towards you. That is how he handles his affairs. He will go on to the next girl and do the same.

It is not a reflection of your worth. It's his agenda.

 

How do you stop this from happening? You abort when things get weird. Upfront, not after and certainly not after you choose to invest into something that starts off this sketchie from the beginning.

 

Consider this time wasted on someone not deserving. If you could take that time back while you were distracted by him, you might have been open to someone else who would cross your path.

 

And for every person like this you allow into your world will leave behind some small scar. Let enough of them in, the scars become collateral. You are the gate keeper. You need to be more discriminating on who you allow in.

[Honeycomb8]

Why men love beeches is a good book.

Chin up, things will look up. This guy is all in the past now!

 

But I get you. I'm currently going through a down period questioning everything as well.

[dias]

Why men love beeches is a good book.

For the same reason girls like bad boys.

[katrina1980]

For the same reason girls like bad boys.

 

I don't like bad boys but I do like "reformed" bad boys, no longer bad but still have that "edge."

 

My bf is a reformed bad boy but still has that edge which keeps me on my toes and attracted!

 

I was never really a "bad girl" (whatever that even means) but he thinks I have an edge too; we balance each other out and it works!

[Honeycomb8]

It's the confidence and ability to stand in your own skin and have boundaries/backbone that guys really like.

[saluk]

It's the confidence and ability to stand in your own skin and have boundaries/backbone that guys really like.

 

You speak the truth!

[Alex39]

Things have been good and bad with me.

 

 

For those who have read my threads, I did get a new job. I was in a toxic environment before. I love the new job. I am treated with respect. Everyone stays in their own lane, and I feel like I have a fair shot, as there is not a huge aspect of favoritism looming constantly. My new boss is helpful, and everyone is so supportive. Its truly refreshing. The first week I started I went through psychological turmoil, which made me realize how bad my past office was. People were coming up to me here and being nice and supportive and my immediate reaction was to think the worst, be untrusting, and immediately go into protective mode. When I realized that these people weren't undermining me or cunning, I had to swallow my natural reactions that my body had put into place to protect me for the last two years and I had to force myself to relax and embrace this new positive change. I've been so happy. Even other people in my life tell me how I seem more positive and tall with more enthusiasm about my life. So happy I decided to go ahead and make a change.

 

 

My love life however, is going negatively. One pro is I do truly feel I am getting smarter. I have learned so much from your advices and my experiences that I feel that I am smarter, and I truly know what I am looking for right now in a man in my life, and I am not settling for anything else. I am not being picky, with what foods they like or if we like the same things. But I know I want a man who is ready for a committed relationship and wants to date, get to know me, and see where it goes. I am not on the marriage track. I don't care about that. I truly just want to meet someone who wants similar things to me in life, where my life is right now. I keep meeting these gross guys who act nice at first but end up not wanting to give out what I am seeking. They just want to hookup.

 

 

I am trying to be smarter and see red flags immediately, assess the situation, and do what is best for me, which recently is to walk away.

 

I think I am just feeling so frustrated, because I have matched with a million guys online. Talked to most of them and it goes nowhere. I feel a bit defeated. I am trying and putting myself out there. I am open to love and commitment. I am open to a dinner, but I am not even getting that far with anyone these days. It feels impossible.

 

 

I know I am not in the best shape right now. Not fat, but gained a few, and it makes me wonder if they think that? That there must be something wrong with me in this situation.

 

My friends are also not helping at all. If anything, they are making me feel worse.

 

I showed them how many guys I connected with online. Scrolling and scrolling. There has to be 100, or more. All they said was "wow, thats a lot" with a shocked look that not one has worked out. And they said nothing.

 

 

Every single one of my friends have a boyfriend. I am happy for them, but it's the way they act towards me, which makes me bad for me.

 

We go out to dinner last night and we are chatting. They are all on marriage fast track so its all they talk about.

 

 

I can't relate. I don't have anyone, or a prospect and I am not desperate for marriage. They are chatting away about all couple stuff and its all stuff I want, but don't have. I then say out loud how I really want to meet someone, but really don't care about he marriage part all that much and am in no rush. How I would rather just meet someone and if we connect, spend time together travelling, sharing life, and enjoying each other as young people.

 

My friends say nothing. I have said this before, and they say nothing. I am made to feel like the odd one out all the time, for thinking for myself.

 

Then one of my girlfriends has been dating this guy for a short time. She says some things about him and they raise red flags for me. I mean, come on, he says he isn't tech savvy and doesn’t like social media or being on it.

 

 

She met him on a dating app. That’s such a lie. She said some other things that were red flags. I nicely mention then to her as things maybe she should look out for since its still early on. I see one of my other girlfriends giving eyes to another, as I am talking. I know its about me. They essentially say how not every guy is bad and that I can’t think that way and be bitter about every man. I am not at all. I immediately saw valid red flags.

 

 

They make comments towards my red flags, and they make me feel like I am bitter and single and have no idea what I am talking about. Its hurtful for sure. They treat me like I don’t know what I am talking about because I am single. When, I have more experience dating and with men than all of them.

 

 

I also think they think I am trying to ruin things for my friends, because I am alone. Not the case. All I said was I saw some red flags, because I did. My friend ignores red flags all the time. She recently got her heart broken by a guy who used her. She claims she learned, but she is going full force into instant boyfriend territory again. All I said was to be careful. That was all.

 

 

I am happy for my friends. I am sad for myself.

 

 

Then they sit there and talk all about these fun activities coming up for holidays and seasons, and its all couple stuff. My girlfriend and I went to this awesome Halloween thing last year and I mentioned wanting to go again. She then mentions wanting to go again, but she doesnÂ’t seem to jump on board with going with me. She keeps saying that she would like to go. I know she means with her new man. Its hurtful for sure. I mean, I want to do a bunch of these things. They are a lot of fun, but I donÂ’t want to go with 4 or 5 couples. They always invite me, but who wants to be by themselves in a group of pairs. I even said last night. Yeah well if its all you guys in couples then I probably won't go because if that”

 

 

They say nothing. They don't care. I end up missing out and its sad. I am already feeling like this fall, winter is going to be couple central and miserable for me.

 

 

We have girl’s nights every so often. Stay in, watch movies, etc… but we rarely do activities, because they always want to experience them with their boyfriends. I then feel this terrible pressure ot find someone, because if I don’t then I miss out on all fun stuff.

 

I don’t make friends all that easily and I work with all old people. All my friends are in relationships and not one is single that I can hang with as a single person. I am a bit shy and just don’t meet a lot of other people. I'm getting to the age where everyone is not single anymore and people are getting married.

 

 

I just don’t even know what to do anymore. Hanging with my friends almost makes me want to be more anti-social, because they almost made me feel bad last night and not happy. I felt like the poor single friend that they look down on.

[Batya33]

I think you need to put in much more effort to meet new people. You have to get out of your comfort zone rather than complaining about the status quo. I've given you many suggestions in the past as to how to meet people you might have things in common with. If I can do that -I have done that many times, including in the last 9 years (and now I am 52 and moved to a brand new city 9 years ago) -you can too. If you want it badly enough. Do you?

 

On the red flag thing -unless you mean you think there is abuse or drug addiction or something criminal --- say nothing. If she asks you for your opinion check first whether she really wants your opinion. Otherwise, say nothing -none of your business and whether you're single or married it's just not a good look to give unsolicited negative input about red flags. Again, if it is abuse, criminal, etc or if you know the person is having sex with other women and pretending to be exclusive with her maybe you say something.

 

I am so glad you love your job!

 

Meeting guys is a numbers game and requires a thick skin -good for you for being out there. It sounds like you're kind of wishy washy on marriage so if that is really true I'd avoid men who are focused on finding someone who wants marriage in the not too distant future.

[Alex39]

Maybe I gave the wrong impression on the marriage thing. I want to get married and be serious with someone.

 

I was m just in no rush to do so. There are many other things I want to do first and things I'd like to do before I marry someone with them.

 

My friends are all obsessed with when they are going to get engaged and wanting it so soon.

 

Its an expensive party woth a piece of official paper attached. I get it. I want an amazing wedding, small, beautiful, romantic. I picture it in my head. But I am not dying for it so soon. I have time.

 

I want to meet someone and travel together, do family holdays, go on adventures, lay in bed all day. Marriage doesn't hinder that and when it happens, it happens.

 

You can give love and enjoy life without a tineline of marriage of which my friends have. One of my girl friends keeps saying her biological clock is ticking. She's 26.

 

I've realized that life doesn't change aftee marriage. If you meet the right person, you meld and enjoy life before and after.

 

So I guess that is where I am coming from.

 

I worry that all I have is my career. I wake up, go to work, go to school, and repeat. Occasionally hanging out with those same friends and its always the same.

 

I feel like its tough. My mother says to meet people at work. My department at work is all old people and I never need to branch out of my department for my job. I think their are young people on othet departments, but it would be kind of odd to seek them out in other buildings and sectors for nothing.

 

Then people tell me to go out and embrave hobbies I love to find people doing them too. Okay...dancing, shopping, girly stuff. Tons of guys there.

[figureitout23]

Maybe I gave the wrong impression on the marriage thing. I want to get married and be serious with someone.

 

Im assuming so, it came off contradictory and a little defensive.

 

 

 

 

I know I am not in the best shape right now. Not fat, but gained a few, and it makes me wonder if they think that? That there must be something wrong with me in this situation.

 

Insecurity, especially about your looks is going to shine bright like a diamond. I have a few bigger boned friends who have absolutely no issue finding men, I mean none, they are content and happy with who they are and being smaller simply wouldnt fit who they are. Then I have friends who are bigger because well, they let themselves go, eat their emotions, whatever the reason and they're miserable, but the weight is only the symptom. Weight can be lost, low self esteem, self sabotage, that takes work.

 

 

 

 

My friends are also not helping at all. If anything, they are making me feel worse.

 

I showed them how many guys I connected with online. Scrolling and scrolling. There has to be 100, or more. All they said was "wow, thats a lot" with a shocked look that not one has worked out. And they said nothing.

 

Every single one of my friends have a boyfriend. I am happy for them, but it's the way they act towards me, which makes me bad for me.

 

We go out to dinner last night and we are chatting. They are all on marriage fast track so its all they talk about.

 

 

I can't relate. I don't have anyone, or a prospect and I am not desperate for marriage. They are chatting away about all couple stuff and its all stuff I want, but don't have. I then say out loud how I really want to meet someone, but really don't care about he marriage part all that much and am in no rush. How I would rather just meet someone and if we connect, spend time together travelling, sharing life, and enjoying each other as young people.

 

My friends say nothing. I have said this before, and they say nothing. I am made to feel like the odd one out all the time, for thinking for myself.

 

There was a poster once who was offended by her friend who was getting married. And it came off that the friend could do no right. After a few more responses she owned up to the fact that she was jealous. I think your anger is misguided and you have a chip on your shoulder. Also maybe take into account how you are acting around them, you may not realize it, but that discomfort may be showing and in turn making them feel uncomfortable. It might be time to find single friends you can feel more comfortable with.

 

Then one of my girlfriends has been dating this guy for a short time. She says some things about him and they raise red flags for me. I mean, come on, he says he isn't tech savvy and doesn’t like social media or being on it.

 

 

She met him on a dating app. That’s such a lie. She said some other things that were red flags. I nicely mention then to her as things maybe she should look out for since its still early on. I see one of my other girlfriends giving eyes to another, as I am talking. I know its about me. They essentially say how not every guy is bad and that I can’t think that way and be bitter about every man. I am not at all. I immediately saw valid red flags.

 

 

They make comments towards my red flags, and they make me feel like I am bitter and single and have no idea what I am talking about. Its hurtful for sure. They treat me like I don’t know what I am talking about because I am single. When, I have more experience dating and with men than all of them.

 

 

I also think they think I am trying to ruin things for my friends, because I am alone. Not the case. All I said was I saw some red flags, because I did. My friend ignores red flags all the time. She recently got her heart broken by a guy who used her. She claims she learned, but she is going full force into instant boyfriend territory again. All I said was to be careful. That was all.

 

 

I am happy for my friends. I am sad for myself.

 

Yeah, sorry, what you said came off as jealousy. First because who considers that a red flag? Plenty of people on dating sites arent tech savvy. Ive seen it. Thats such a random, broad, negative thing to say and if you said it to me, I might politely point out that you dont have the best red flag picker so maybe you should mind your business. I mean that with no disrespect, just, I wouldn't be ok with you coming at me with your track record. Again, no disrespect, I'm just surprised you dont see how a comment like that would come off to your friends.

 

 

Then they sit there and talk all about these fun activities coming up for holidays and seasons, and its all couple stuff. My girlfriend and I went to this awesome Halloween thing last year and I mentioned wanting to go again. She then mentions wanting to go again, but she doesnÂ’t seem to jump on board with going with me. She keeps saying that she would like to go. I know she means with her new man. Its hurtful for sure. I mean, I want to do a bunch of these things. They are a lot of fun, but I donÂ’t want to go with 4 or 5 couples. They always invite me, but who wants to be by themselves in a group of pairs. I even said last night. Yeah well if its all you guys in couples then I probably won't go because if that”

 

 

They say nothing. They don't care. I end up missing out and its sad. I am already feeling like this fall, winter is going to be couple central and miserable for me.

 

 

We have girl’s nights every so often. Stay in, watch movies, etc… but we rarely do activities, because they always want to experience them with their boyfriends. I then feel this terrible pressure ot find someone, because if I don’t then I miss out on all fun stuff.

 

I don’t make friends all that easily and I work with all old people. All my friends are in relationships and not one is single that I can hang with as a single person. I am a bit shy and just don’t meet a lot of other people. I'm getting to the age where everyone is not single anymore and people are getting married.

 

 

I just don’t even know what to do anymore. Hanging with my friends almost makes me want to be more anti-social, because they almost made me feel bad last night and not happy. I felt like the poor single friend that they look down on.

 

Again, I think its time to make single friends. Not to say that you can still have them as friends but your current situation is really clouding your time together. If you had friends who didnt make you feel less than by simply existing you wont have that awful feeling all the time and maybe you wont feel the pressure when you meet men.

[Alex39]

I'm really not jealous. I'm happy if she met someone nice. I hope he is nice.

 

I'm bummed for myself that in two years, I still haven't met one good match and my friend finds one in like a week. But I am almost proud because my friend settles for just anyone online and I don't. But then I'm still single which sucks.

 

I'm not jealous. I guess I feel like they don't understand me. When any of them are single. I am their best friend and then they meet a man and they are immediately like settled housewives and I'm the forever single friend. I say how all these guys proposition me for sex and all these negative experiences with guys online, and my friend who just met someone says how she doesn't have that issue and she met someone nice right away. What am I supposed to say to that?

 

Then they treat me like maybe I'm doing something wrong. Change a profile photo or do this and that. Like they know all the tips and tricks.

 

I mentioned the red flags. It was more than that. She mentioned he said he wasn't super tech savvy/social media savvy. But she met him on a dating app online and his job is literally all about online optimization and online digital sales. I'm in that field. Its impossible to not be tech savvy. You wouldn't have a job. I also have guys say that to me so you don't expect them to be at your beckon call and they are online talking to other women.

 

One other thing I mentioned was that he seemed to love bomb her at first, which guys do a lot. She said he called her 4 days in a row to hangout after they first met and they went out all 4 nights. She slept with him. I told her to be careful, because guys will do that, hangout with you incessantly at first to speed things along and sleep with you. This guy got what he wanted.

 

I nicely told her that I could totally be wrong, but just to be careful since its new.

 

I think what also pisses me off. I will tell her about fun events. I told her about this fun salsa dancing event as something fun I would like to go to. I love dancing.

 

She goes with him. That was sort of my thing. Then she goes to me "oh we went salsa dancing at that place. I highly recommend it. You should go. We had a great time."

 

 

I didnt tell her so she would go. I told her because it was right up my alley I would have loved to go. And I found it insulting because you had to go with a partner, so her telling me to go was a slap in the face. Go with who?

 

I just don't know how I am supposed to be around them. Happy go lucky when they are talking about living with a man, nothing I have ever done but want to. Happy about them talking about sex, which I haven't had in forever because I don't have someone. Talk about wedding talk, something I can't even dream about because I don't have someone.

 

I try to act into the conversation. Why not dream? But when I say things they don't say anything to my feelings and almost give me that attitude like "how would you know about any of this?"

 

Again, its not so much jealousy. I'm happy for them. Its more hanging out with my friends is a constant slap in the face feeling to me of what my struggles and failures in life are. That same one friend recently lost a lot of weight. She's gushing to me how she had to buy new pants. And oh, I don't think I'd fit in this section in the store. They don't have a small enough size . Weight is a long and hefty emotional struggle for me. Slap in the face.

 

I actually feel like most recently, the hefty exposure to this is leading me into depression. I'm not bad yet. But I've been crying almost every day once a day most recently. Its been just insane. I'm happy at my job, but not happy with my life.

[Batya33]

No, it's not an expensive party and a piece of paper nor is it a "romantic wedding on the beach" - marriage is not the party to celebrate it nor is it "just a piece of paper" -assume your friends although chatting about diamonds and parties, really want marriage - the commitment of marriage. And if you want a "romantic wedding" that is great and has little to do with marriage.

 

I think you need to find friends who are not so focused on party planning as a topic of conversation. I am all into my child and parenting but when I am out with friends I try not to talk about him at all unless asked and then being a mom is one minor topic of many topics. Whether the person has children or not. Because it's boring to just focus on one topic and I assume my kid stories are boring other than to my immediate family. There are many married and engaged and almost engaged people who talk about many other things other than party planning and diamonds (or even marriage- the meaningful part I mean). Find people with varied interests who like to talk about things beyond their single/marital/parenting status (unless you're meeting up specifically to talk about one of those things but I think you understand).

 

I would not tell someone who's newly dating to "be careful" unless she absolutely asks for your opinion or unless it's because it's dangerous -like she's meeting a stranger at his house or there is physical abuse or drugs/crimes. It's not going to go over well even if you are not jealous.

 

This is on you. You are choosing to hang out with people you have nothing in common with right now and who don't care about talking about the things that interest you. It's one sided and boring. You can change it or you can cry. Which one?

[Wiseman2]

Have you considered expanding your life by getting your own place and learning about renting, finances, etc? Also finding things in life that are hobbies, interests, etc.? Why not join groups and clubs and take classes that are fun to step out of an extremely narrow focus and chronically comparing yourself to friends secretly envying them?

 

No you won't meet guys shopping and that is not an avocation. You can't learn another language or about personal finances or a multitude of other interesting things that there are plenty of classes and courses for? Or volunteer at an animal shelter, hospital, library or community project? Your mother is wrong, do not chase men at work. Perhaps you need more peer based people to talk to and more friends, not just your parents.

My friends are all obsessed with when they are going to get engaged and wanting it so soon. My mother says to meet people at work.

[Metaltwin70]

'I actually feel like most recently, the hefty exposure to this is leading me into depression. I'm not bad yet. But I've been crying almost every day once a day most recently. Its been just insane. I'm happy at my job, but not happy with my life.'

 

I get it Amk. I so do. I'm going back to mega-miserable winter of 2002 when I was 32 and in what seemed to be perpetual men-hell. It was a work Xmas party or some such (work too was horror, whole other story); I was AGAIN freshly unceremoniously dumped by a 'bf' of about 8 months; I was beyond miserable. Depressed, dejected. And surrounded by, at least outwardly, very happily married men and women. One of the happily-marrieds, then a colleague, goes to me, all exuberant, referring to another colleague sitting next to her: 'Oh oh oh, Metaltwin, do you know that such and such just got engaged??? Such and such, SHOW METALTWIN YOUR RING!!!' I excused myself, said I needed to go to the ladies, locked myself in the cubicle and sat there crying for god knows how long; left the party shortly thereafter. You BET I was jealous. I was insanely jealous. I kept thinking: why them and not me?? What is it that they have that's lacking in me?? And yes it felt better to just be miserable alone, at home, than be the 'forever single' one surrounded by happily coupled people.

 

All I can say Amk is, your time will come. Maybe for now limit the time you spend with your coupled gfs and try and somehow meet single ones? Through meet-ups, fb interest groups? I do understand how you're feeling. But, you WILL eventually find yourself in the right place at the right time. You absolutely will.

[Batya33]

'I actually feel like most recently, the hefty exposure to this is leading me into depression. I'm not bad yet. But I've been crying almost every day once a day most recently. Its been just insane. I'm happy at my job, but not happy with my life.'

 

I get it Amk. I so do. I'm going back to mega-miserable winter of 2002 when I was 32 and in what seemed to be perpetual men-hell. It was a work Xmas party or some such (work too was horror, whole other story); I was AGAIN freshly unceremoniously dumped by a 'bf' of about 8 months; I was beyond miserable. Depressed, dejected. And surrounded by, at least outwardly, very happily married men and women. One of the happily-marrieds, then a colleague, goes to me, all exuberant, referring to another colleague sitting next to her: 'Oh oh oh, Metaltwin, do you know that such and such just got engaged??? Such and such, SHOW METALTWIN YOUR RING!!!' I excused myself, said I needed to go to the ladies, locked myself in the cubicle and sat there crying for god knows how long; left the party shortly thereafter. You BET I was jealous. I was insanely jealous. I kept thinking: why them and not me?? What is it that they have that's lacking in me?? And yes it felt better to just be miserable alone, at home, than be the 'forever single' one surrounded by happily coupled people.

 

All I can say Amk is, your time will come. Maybe for now limit the time you spend with your coupled gfs and try and somehow meet single ones? Through meet-ups, fb interest groups? I do understand how you're feeling. But, you WILL eventually find yourself in the right place at the right time. You absolutely will.

 

I went through this too since I got married at 42. I also am not a fan of anyone showing off an engagement ring whether on Facebook or in real life -sharing good news is one thing but flashing a ring (without being asked) - not cool. I totally agree with the time limit -do small doses -they sound really narrow and boring -nothing to do with their marital status -people who are smart and intellectually curious and into culture, etc would be embarrassed to talk to that extent about diamonds and wedding reception plans.

 

I hate to repeat all my suggestions because it is frustrating that you're going back to the same old stuff OP and somehow not remembering mine and others' suggestions -at least paying lip service - but in particular a book club or working backstage at a community theater is great for someone with your issues with your current friends. That's because normal people who attend those kinds of activities are not going to go on and on about weddings, babies, house renovations - they're either going to be busy building a set or painting or brainstorming about the set or in the book club while they might share anecdotes about their own lives it will relate to the book so there's little risk of you being overwhelmed with that kind of talk (just don't pick books about weddings lol).

 

Yes, it's hard to meet people especially if you're shy. It's a cliche that's true - the stuff that's worth it is often really hard to attain. Don't let yourself use that or any other excuse.