Getting in my own head

[Alex39]

As fir the weight comments. I did take it hard as someone who struggles with weight and eating.

 

But, he did say specifically something about them being not good people or lesser people. It wasn't just my perception.

 

He did make it clear that overweight people do need to work hard and no excuses. But he even went as far as to say that medical excusee weren't and it was all crap.

[reinventmyself]

I would straight up ask him about his views on such things and begin there to see if you two are even compatible.

 

Irregardless of his religious views, he does seem to be trying to fast track you some. Be wary.

 

And I have to ask how much weight are we talking about? I can't seem to help thinking that because this is a sensitive issue for you, you may have honed into his comments and taking them personally. Normal/average weight has a vast range. Is it possible you might just be oversensitive to this?

[Batya33]

I didn't read all the comments. What struck me was that you were at all surprised to find out this soon that there are things about him that are not compatible with you or your values/mindset, life, etc. You portrayed this as if somehow typing and talking to a stranger even about "deep" stuff has any relevance to whether you will get along in person for purposes of dating, much less for purposes of an actual relationship. You get 100 steps ahead of yourself making these wild assumptions about strangers and typing/talking way way too much prior to meeting.

 

Yes, what he said was rude ,offensive, weird. And yes if you had met him ASAP instead of all this texting -for 45 minutes at a coffee place during the day - you would have figured all this out within the first 15 minutes of meeting him. Sure, maybe in the first two emails you wouldn't have learned the red flags but think about it- you were basically over the moon for a stranger based on typing and talking so of course when you choose to get all invested like that then not only are you even more disappointed by the red flags but since you made that choice, again, to get so invested prior to meeting, then you start all this nonsensical second guessing about whether you want to hang out with -go on a road trip with - a guy who would be so obnoxious about people who are overweight and say all those other off the wall things - if you hadn't chosen to get so attached before meeting you would have laughed it off as a quick coffee meeting with someone who clearly had issues. It's a waste of your time and stomach acid and head space to get this invested before meeting. There are strange people everywhere - figure out how to move on quickly -sometimes you will be able to tell from the first emails and sometimes not but at least it will be over in one quick meet.

 

I once spoke to someone through a dating site and the conversation was decent. We lived near each other so we decided to meet that night at a local starbucks. As soon as I met him I observed that he was cute and that we had nothing in common -in person he was barely articulate and just didn't seem that bright. 20 minutes later we ended the first meet. By the time I walked home I'd moved on. And was ready to meet other people another time.

[boltnrun]

You didn't answer why you are so intent on getting guys to like you instead of deciding if YOU like THEM.

 

And you did write in your very first sentence that you are "very excited". What about this guy excites you enough to forget the negative comments he made? Do you think you've finally found a boyfriend?

[figureitout23]

OP,

 

How much are you paraphrasing what he said. Did he actually say that fat people are less-thans? Or are you interpreting that from his words that "people who are overweight need to work hard, there's no excuse" from a conversation you started?

 

I'm not sure we're getting the full story on that, because you're so insecure about it and may be misreading/paraphrasing his words.

 

However, it does sound like he wants to sleep with you. That could be taken as a compliment. However, you could always wait until you get into an exclusive relationship before doing anything sexually. You also don't need to go on the trip with him yet. All this is your choice.

 

I was wondering the same thing.

 

 

As fir the weight comments. I did take it hard as someone who struggles with weight and eating.

 

But, he did say specifically something about them being not good people or lesser people. It wasn't just my perception.

 

He did make it clear that overweight people do need to work hard and no excuses. But he even went as far as to say that medical excusee weren't and it was all crap.

 

Can you remember exactly what was said?

 

Interpretation is everything.

 

Dont get me wrong, Im not saying hes innocent here, Im just not ready to place him in the grooming psychopath category.

 

If someone makes a comment about race, I may take offense to it, whereas a non minority may not even notice. If someone made a comment about weight, I probably wouldnt take offense to it.

 

Again, its all about interpretation. Unless it was just blatantly wrong.

[Jibralta]

He says he doesn't really go to church.

 

I know you said that before, but I had an experience with a born-again guy that keeps me skeptical about this. He tried to minimize the importance of his religion and my lack of religion, but it really was an issue for him.

[boltnrun]

Mormons are honor bound by the religion to spread the word of their faith and to bring as many people into their church as possible.

 

Has he gone on a mission? Does he follow any of the regulations such as wearing "garments", not doing any kind of work on Sunday, refraining from alcohol, caffeine and premarital sex?

 

Anyway, even if you hadn't mentioned that he's a mormon I would still be concerned about his complete lack of awareness to share how he feels about overweight people with you. It would make me very wary.

 

But you're "very excited" and you even mentioned him in your other thread about your new job (as a potential boyfriend). So, despite everything you're still hoping he becomes your boyfriend?

[reinventmyself]

She mentioned that she didn't think he attended church and he drank alcohol.

 

I am not sure of the ages of the these two but if they are young it's possible he is conflicted about his commitment.

 

Even with that, him having been raised in a Mormon household, it will no doubt have a huge impact on him while he sorts it out.

 

That's why I recommend she have a conversation with him about it. It may be partly why she's hearing conflicting things from him.

 

My high school sweetheart eventually embraced his religion and i have to say it is the most disciplined religion I have ever been exposed to.

 

And that's about all I will say on that. Besides, it's possible I am projecting too much of my personal experience on this.

[Alex39]

So I have gotten to know him a bit better. He doesn't really follow being a Mormon at all. He doesn't do missions. He drinks, swears, has sex, and caffeine. Some of his family are die hards, but not him. He hasn't gone to church in a long while and doesn't actively have a local church here. His family lives very far away from here and has told me he never wants to move back there at all.

 

He has been actively texting me and we made a plan for him to come over Friday night, last night.

 

He said he wanted to prove to me that he wasn't a weird guy and become more comfortable with him as a nice guy so we could go away on the fun trip that he mentioned before.

 

I have sort of gotten over the fat thing. Am I afraid he will find me fat? Yes. But so far, the two times he has seen me, once in a tight outfit, he seemed to like what he saw. I do think how he thinks of people is wrong in that way, but I almost felt bad for him, because obviously some past experiences and ignorance is leading him to feel this strongly of a way about it. Kind of made me sad for him. And I looked at it more positively. Maybe with my past experiences being different than his, I can open his eyes to different things.

 

So he comes over my place last night insisting on cooking me dinner. He brings all this stuff and practically kicks me out of my own kitchen. It was cute.

 

We talked and laughed. I made us fancy drinks and we were really hitting it off. He wasn't strange and he didn't say anything strange. We eat and are hanging out watching some tv. He grabs my feet and massages them. It was very sweet. He politely asks me if he can kiss me. He is very sweet and nice about it. Doesn't full out make out with me, but lightly pecks me a few times. He continuously is kissing my head and rubbing my hair. He gives me nice compliments how my hair is soft etc...

 

He tells me he likes me and thinks I'm pretty many times. Everything seems to just flow and its really comfortable with him.

 

He had let me know that his roommate and himself were leaving really early in the morning, like 4am, to go to this sporting event on Saturday so he couldn't stay too late.

 

He had been talking about it for days and was so excited.

 

As the night went on though, hue started slowly pro-longing his plans. He seemed to be having such a good time that he wanted to stay with me. He then said how maybe he can stay a bit later, and have his roommate do the driving.

 

We decide to go outside and take a night walk near a lake. Its pretty late now. He mentioned something about possibly crashing on my couch. Its so nice and peaceful outside so I brush it off. We kiss and hold hands and cuddle up a bit. Its so easy with him. He then asks me again to go away with him next weekend. He says he wants to go and have fun and show me around this city that he lived in for a while. He says I can sleep in the bed and he can take the couch or we can get separate beds, whatever I would want is okay with him.

 

I tell him I will think about it. We chat about some things and are continually hitting it off. We have similar political views and it was refreshing. He said he was so happy and liked me more and more and more. He said he felt like he could breath and be himself. I felt the same. He said I was already so much better than his ex-girlfriend. I thought it was a weird comment, but not bad.

 

We head back and it is now 2am. He declares that he isn't going to the game. That it was going to rain anyway and how I was way more important to spend time with than some game he can see again sometime. I was shocked. He really wanted to go and now changed his plans to spend time with me. No one ever does that for me. I usually am the one re-arranging my plans and desires for men.

 

He says he is going to crash on my couch if it is okay with me. I didn't really invite him to stay. He sort of invited himself, but he insisted on staying on the couch. He didn't ask for my bed or anything.

 

So we kiss goodnight. He tells me to get all ready for bed, go in my room, get all settled in bed, and yell to him so he knows, so he can come and give me a kiss goodnight. It was by far the most adorable thing ever.

 

We sleep separately. I wake before him and go about my morning. He wakes and we chat a bit. We cuddle and kiss and fall asleep together cuddled for a shirt bit. He says how he doesn't feel well at all. Head is pounding. We didn't drink a lot either at all.

 

I give him some pain killers and he keeps apologizing for being a bum at my house. He says how I should go about my day and he needs to sleep a bit more to try and feel better if I don't mind. So I shower and eat and go about my morning even more. He wakes again a while later. We cuddle up and watch tv all day long until 4pm, when I told him I had plans ay 5 with some friends. We don't talk as much while we watch tv. We cuddle on and off. He would rub my feet or knee, and then would be less interested and we would just sort of sit watching something. He thanks me and thanks me for taking care of him, since he felt so ill.

 

We hug and he tells me to let him know how my night with friends goes. When he left I really couldn't read him very well at all. Did something happen? Was he into me still?

 

I am starting to like the guy. We mesh so well so far and we really hit it off. The comments about weight were weird. I don't know why he feels this way. Maybe in time I will understand better. The going on trips is odd too. But now that we have talked and I have gotten to know him, I am seeing he just really loves travel, wants someone to travel with and enjoy life with and that he sees us doing a weekend a few hours away as something really fun to do. Some people enjoy movies, he enjoys exploring and travel as something really fun to him. I am considering going away with him. I know the area we are going to, so I am not going somewhere new where he has the upper hand. I feel like it sounds so fun and spontaneous and exciting and I figure why not? My family doesn't live too far from there so I could always call them to help me if need be.

[Wiseman2]

Never give a stranger pain killers.... especially someone you invite to sleep over on the second date. Why do you have painkillers in your home? Are they prescribed? This was a Netflix and chill date, but you knew that all along.

He says he is going to crash on my couch if it is okay with me. He says how he doesn't feel well at all. Head is pounding. I give him some pain killers

[Batya33]

Tylenol or something stronger? I think it was sweet of him to sleep on the civics. I think you need to be careful and slow down - your “mesh well” assessment seems to be your go to for almost every person you first meet.

[Honeycomb8]

What you did was impulsive and dangerous. You really seem to have no boundaries and aren't a very good judge of character.

 

It makes me alil :/ that you seem so insecure.

[Alex39]

Hoping to defend and clear up a little.

 

1. I did not expect nor invite him to stay over at all. Did not invite him into my bed. We did drink a little, it got really late, and he said he would like to crash on my couch. I never offered up anything, but was okay with him crashing on my couch for safety and I thought he was okay at this point. This was third time seeing him. A lot of people at our school know him as well and like him saying he's a good guy.

 

2. I should have been clear that I gave him two tylenol. That was it. I don't have nor freely give out pain medicine. He had a bad headache. I offered tylenol. He said yes.

 

I was very careful the whole time. I didn't drink much at all so I was very alert and had my wits about me the whole time. We had a good time together. The only time he was even semi alone was when we slept in different rooms. He said he'd sleep on the couch. I was alright with this and wouldn't have let him sleep anywhere else anyway. I was more surprised that he stayed all of the next day too, even though we didn't do anything. I always panic when that happens, boredom, doing nothing, but then I was talking to my girl friends and they were saying how if you lived or were more serious with the person, there is going to be down time like that and seeing as we were comfortable with it was a positive thing. We were meshing together well I felt. It was nice. But doesn't mean that its set in stone amd we'll be together forever or anything. Just think that we had a good time, hit it off, and we'll see what future brings. If it doesn't pan out. He isn't right for me.

 

He did tell me he was engaged before. Years ago. He was in the military it sounded like and they were together for 4 years. He said after all that time he felt the next right step was engagement. But he said after getting engaged and planning a wedding, the whole time he felt so uneasy about it. He said he felt like it wasn't right in his gut. He said he held in these feelings and they were getting really close to their wedding. He said they then attended a wedding together for a friend and it further made him feel like his wedding shouldn't happen. He said ironically one night after that his fiancee brought it up and asked him " do you really think we should be getting married?" And he said it opened a can of worms and they called everything off and broke up. He said she wasn't motivated and was content just being a bartender forever and he just wanted more in a woman than that.

 

He said that he felt relieved and knew she wasn't right for him. He said that she moved to another state far away and that she seems to now regret everything, because he said she calls and texts him all the time and tells him to come down to live in her area. He said he is not interested in her or being with her ever again.

[Batya33]

My suggestion. If the person you just met is drinking then make sure you are not and make sure that he has a way to get home and do not offer your place. Even the couch. I went out with men who chose to drink too much and they are adults and were not driving anywhere. Had they been I would have made it clear from the get go that I wasn’t comfortable being in a car if he chose to drink and to make sure he had a safe way home. You’re just lucky. The people who know him don’t know how he will act if drunk and in a woman’s home who he just met.

[katrina1980]

@amkxoxo, I am glad you were "meshing well" but I am so curious -- why is it none of these guys ever take you out on a proper date?

 

I mean even the last guy, "Mr Unavailable During the Month of August" (what happened with him BTW?) who you claimed you also "meshed well" with, never took you out, both your first and second dates were spent at his.

 

Is this some new thing among folks in ther 20s or something? Please enlighten me because I am baffled by this.

 

I am very happy to hear he was respectful, but from what you've written about his behavior, I cannot help get the feeling he may possibly be a "wolf in sheep's clothing."

 

He was just so smooth, said all the right things, etc. Just my experience but I've learned not to trust men like that, until we spend more time together.

 

I was hesitant to post this but feel it's necessary here, hopefully it will open your eyes to the dangers of inviting men over on first, second dates.

 

Many years ago (in my mid 20s) I was sexually assaulted in my home by a man I trusted who also said all the right things, etc.

 

I never intentionally led him to think we would be having sex, but he had other ideas. He spiked the drink he made me, and when I was passed out raped and sodomized me.

 

I have shared this story before many times. I have read other such stories as well.

 

I agree with the poster who said you need better boundaries. And I wonder what it will take before you realize inviting men to yours on the first meet or date, or going to theirs, is NOT smart!

 

Have fun amk but PLEASE exercise some some discretion on these early dates and stop frivolously inviting them to yours. If they invite you to theirs, politely tell them you're not comfortable with that and suggest something outside the house.

 

If they're into you for the right reasons, they will understand and respect you for it.

 

And I hope you re-think going away with him next weekend, and decline.

 

Again, if he's into you for the right reasons, he will understand and respect you for maintaining your boundaries.

 

Tell him if you are still dating in a month (or two) it would be fun, but now is just too soon.

 

That is SMART.

 

Frankly, I don't like how pushy he appears to be about it, that alone would have me questioning his motives.

 

But that is your call to make.

 

In any event, again please exercise discretion on these early dates, and maintain boundaries.

 

Gauge his response, and pay attention.

 

Trust me, his response will tell you everything you need to know.

[Alex39]

Thank you for sharing this very personal story. I am so very sorry this happened to you.

 

Want to clarify that this was third date. We did go out twice before. I'm not into at home dates for 1st. Thats absolutely insane.

 

I do feel this is a new trend. Truly. All my friends go to people's houses too. I think its a lot to take someone out on date after date spending $50 to $100 each time. With student debt and monetary struggles these days, watching a movie at home with snacks is a lot cheaper and easier. With netflix having a good selection, no one I know even goes to the movies anymore either.

 

This guy does want to go and do things. The weekend trip. We talked about another place to day trip. Fruit picking at a farm. Going boating etc... so I'm not all about staying in. Neither is he. But hard to go out 24/7.

[boltnrun]

No one is saying "Go out 24/7". No one is suggesting spending $100 on a date.

 

Picnic in the park. Twilight show at the movie theater. Coffee and a pastry. Shooting baskets. Feeding the ducks at the park. Split a pizza at the local pizza place. None of those things cost $100.

[Honeycomb8]

I'm in my 20's and the guys I go out with take me out on real dates. We do activities and I get taken to some very nice places and restaurants. We also go movies on a semi regular basis. It's only around 25 bucks for two tickets, it's not much imo.

 

I also never visit a guy's house in the first month and a half (so at least 10 dates) of us going out. I make it very clear that we are to take it slow and I would like to get to know them without the sexual element (even if it's a hint to it). I show that belief with actions.

 

I don't think it's a 20's thing. Most of my friends have proper dates too. Netflix is pretty lazy lol, it's what I would do with an actual bf.

 

It's basically what u expect and think you deserve. I'd never allow someone I've barely dated to crash at mine.

[figureitout23]

Everyone is different.

 

I had a third date that was at my place to watch a movie and have dinner. It was a great time, and he didnt try anything.

 

With that being said, I am pretty comfortable with setting my boundaries and sticking to them.

[Batya33]

You had two actual dates and one first meet. Not the third date -he's asked you out twice so far. Very early days. I agree that going out doesn't have to cost anything. Art gallery, walk in the park, take a dance class together, etc.

[Wiseman2]

Yes. It's called Netflix and chill.

I do feel this is a new trend.

[Alex39]

I made it very clear to him that I wasn't that type of girl. Openly told him I like to take time to get to know something.

 

He said he wasn't that type of hookup person either, is looking for something more serious and said how he hopes he didn't say anything to me to make me think otherwise at all.

[katrina1980]

I made it very clear to him that I wasn't that type of girl. Openly told him I like to take time to get to know something.

 

He said he wasn't that type of hookup person either, is looking for something more serious and said how he hopes he didn't say anything to me to make me think otherwise at all.

 

Well that sounds positive.

 

I think the best course of action now is plan more activities outside the house.

 

Observe him in different environments and how he interacts with others.

 

Not because you don't trust his motives, but because observing him in different environments and how he interacts with others is a great way to judge character, in general.

 

Even in a coffee shop (for example), how he interacts with the staff speaks volumes.

 

You can't determine this by spending all your time inside the house, just the two of you.

 

Remember, these early stages are the time to determine if he is right for you, long term,

 

HE should be doing the same.

 

It's easy to get caught up in the attraction and infatuation, but it's important to be pragmatic too.

 

Have fun and best of luck!

 

I hope this one works out for you the way you hope (at least hope right now).

[Batya33]

Yes. It's called Netflix and chill.

 

Not new in the least. In the 1980s it was the same- plenty of suggestions to have an at home date early on whether you rented a movie or watched one or whatever.

[Batya33]

I made it very clear to him that I wasn't that type of girl. Openly told him I like to take time to get to know something.

 

He said he wasn't that type of hookup person either, is looking for something more serious and said how he hopes he didn't say anything to me to make me think otherwise at all.

 

I'd be careful with the "type of girl" comments -it's negative and suggests you've had negative experiences/are overly critical. Nothing wrong with people who want to have casual arrangements and/or are totally fine meeting up at someone's house when they're single adults. I'd just put it this way. "I'm comfortable with coming over to your house and want you to know I'm not ready to have sex/be intimate". That's all you need to say, matter of factly and no need to talk about how you like to get to know someone and take time - assume everyone who is looking for a relationship of course takes their time and no need to share that with someone you've only met twice before.