Getting in my own head

[Honeycomb8]

Doesn't matter what you say. The actions speak of something else. Also I feel like a girl saying she's not that type of girl has the opposite effect-show with actions you have standards and he'll follow suit.

[Alex39]

At this point I actually don't know what to do. I'm overthinking. I'm starting to like him. Last week we were texting from morning until night. Now, he sends me a few snapchats a day., drops off the conversation, and doesn't acknowledge some of my snaps to him. Doesn't ignore them all, but some. We have no set plans for anything going forward.

 

Now sure if I should ask?

 

I mean he's free tomorrow and so am I.

 

Or should I continue waiting around to see what happens?

 

Is he pulling away?

[katrina1980]

At this point I actually don't know what to do. I'm overthinking. I'm starting to like him. Last week we were texting from morning until night. Now, he sends me a few snapchats a day., drops off the conversation, and doesn't acknowledge some of my snaps to him. Doesn't ignore them all, but some. We have no set plans for anything going forward.

 

Now sure if I should ask?

 

I mean he's free tomorrow and so am I.

 

Or should I continue waiting around to see what happens?

 

Is he pulling away?

 

Didn't you say you had made weekend plans? The day trip?

 

What happened, did he cancel?

 

In any event, I think you're texting WAY too much. You've been advised to dial that back and let him wonder about you sometimes. It builds attraction in the early stages.

 

Yet, you've fallen into the same old pattern, texting - from morning till night? How do you find the time, do you not work? Serious question.

 

Thinking positively, perhaps he just needs a break from it, to catch his breath.

 

I mean, all that texting all day into the night, it sounds exhausting (mentally).

 

For now, do nothing. If you sense he is pulling back, pull back yourself. Do not chase, he will only recoil and pull back further.

 

Try to stop over-thinking and get on with your life. Your work, your friends, your family.

 

He also may sense how attached you're becoming and has become turned off, there is just no mystery, nothing compelling him to move forward towards you.

 

I'm just speculating of course, it could be anything! But no matter what it is, the best thing you could do now is just leave him alone.

[boltnrun]

What is it you want? To text all day long or to see him in person?

 

Don't fall into another trap when you're texting all the time but never go on dates.

[Alex39]

I do want to see him in person. I don't want texting all the time. But he isn't even making plans to see me at this point. I do feel like maybe it is all in my head and things are fine.

 

I really hope I have not turned him off. I am a bit excited. He seemed smitten with me and I with him. I got excited. I feel I am trying way too hard and almost seeking validation which is not what I should be doing. I need to live my life for me and just be my relaxed self.

 

He might be busy. He might be freaked at his feelings. He might be turned off. He might not think anything. He might be waiting until the weekend. I'll never know. His responses to me today seemed to indicate he was still interested. I mentioned maybe I could make dinner next time for us and that I don't promise to make this certain dish, but I do promise a good time with me. He replied that "It is always a good time."

 

And then I mentioned "And I really wouldn't mind more foot, back, or head rubs for my cooking efforts. You were really good at them and spoiled me rotten with it the other day."

 

I thought it was cute. He replied "no no, I love rubbing your feet, neck, head, and everything in between."

 

I thought this seemed pretty positive to me.

 

I just found it weird that he told me I don't snap chat him much, so I said I would more. He snaps me a lot, and I always reply. I snap him, and he only replies sometimes and not other times. Why want me to do it more and then not reply? He complained about this when we were at my house, so I thought it was funny and took a snap chat of him eating breakfast when he wasn't looking and sent it to him. I thought it was funny. Like you complain I don't send them, so I sent one of you at my house to you. My friends and I do this often as a joke. He didn't open it until he got home and said nothing about it. Though he said he didn't feel good when he got home and was napping again

 

Then when he was here this weekend her grabbed my phone and made me follow him on instagram and said how now he can send me stuff all the time and we can share stuff we see. He has not sent me anything. I sent him something this morning. He never said anything about it. Then I noticed that he had me follow him, but he never followed me back. That makes no sense to me at all.

 

Here I am overthinking again.

 

 

We did say that maybe we would go away for the whole weekend, so maybe he is just saving everything up for that, being with me for those couple days. Its a lot of time together.

[Honeycomb8]

Serious question, I know some of us have advised against going on a trip with him... So why do it? You had two dates where you spent indoors. You don't even know him, it's all just weird. And why are you offering to cook for him. He should earn that privilege imo. You should show him you don't do that for just anyone so that takes a lot more TIME.

 

I read your other posts and you're around my age. I'm not trying to be mean but I don't understand this pattern you are getting yourself in?

 

Definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a diff result afterall.

[Jibralta]

But then asks me if I want to go away on a short road trip in a two weeks. Jaw drops.

 

Interesting how you've managed to talk yourself into going away with him, isn't it?

 

He said he wanted to prove to me that he wasn't a weird guy and become more comfortable with him as a nice guy so we could go away on the fun trip that he mentioned before.

 

So he showers you with attention and affection, then pulls that security blanket right out from under you by not replying to a couple of texts.... and now:

 

We did say that maybe we would go away for the whole weekend, so maybe he is just saving everything up for that, being with me for those couple days. Its a lot of time together.

 

Tah-dah!

[katrina1980]

 

He said he wanted to prove to me that he wasn't a weird guy and become more comfortable with him as a nice guy so we could go away on the fun trip that he mentioned before.

 

 

Oh man I can't believe I missed this earlier ^^.

 

Amk, I'm sorry I don't trust this guy.

 

I have found that when a man tells me early on he wants to "prove" to me what a "nice guy" he is, he is anything BUT!

 

A truly nice guy would never tell you this, it would never even occur to him to tell you this. He would simply let his actions *show* you who he is. He has nothing to prove.

 

Typically by taking you out on proper dates, and certainly NOT pushing (or even suggesting) you go away with him for the entire weekend after only one or two dates.. That's crazy!

 

Course now he has pulled back, no mention of the trip, after you made it clear you're "not that type of girl." i.e. you won't be having sex with him.

 

I am back to thinking what I thought earlier - a wolf in sheep's clothing.

 

I hope I am wrong!

[Metaltwin70]

'He might be freaked at his feelings'

 

Amk, he might be anything and everything but one thing that he is not is 'freaked at his feelings'. No-one's ever not talking to a new romantic interest because they are 'freaked at their feelings'. God knows who invented this. Trust me, when someone's got feelings they show them.

 

And I might be showing my age here but this whole 'I snap him, he doesn't snap me, I followed him on insta but he didn't follow me' nonsense is just that - nonsense. When someone wants to see you they will pick up the phone and ring you. And tell you: listen, how about we go out to dinner at 7 pm tomorrow to such and such great restaurant I know? Or at the very least - taking into consideration that you are both in your mid-twenties - send you a very clear-cut text to that effect. This is what happens when a man wants to date you.

 

What you need to do now is absolutely nothing. Don't 'snap' or 'insta' him. Don't whatsapp him, don't *insert name of obscure app I have no idea of because I'm old * him, just don't do anything. See what HE does. This will tell you everything you need to know.

[Wiseman2]

Relax and give him room to breathe. Stop begging him to come over offering to cook for him etc. Stop texting this much. Either he asks you out again or he doesn't. It seems he's still on the netflix and chill trail...and so are you with begging him to come over and trying to entice him with dinner etc..

he isn't even making plans to see me at this point.

He replied "no no, I love rubbing your feet, neck, head, and everything in between."

We did say that maybe we would go away for the whole weekend

[Batya33]

No analysis. If he wants to see you and take you out on a date he will even if he is “scared” by feelings. He will choose seeing you over fear. But I would say no. If after this short time he is sending you those sex charged texts it’s obvious that he doesn’t see you as serious girlfriend potential and you coming on so strong only puts you squarely in the category of fun flirty fling at most. He’s telling you all you need to know about his type of interest in you and his intentions. He’s not doing anything wrong. Indeed he’s being open with you by his words and actions (meaning he is choosing not to act- not to ask you out on a proper date ) as to how he would like to hang out with you. Nothing wrong with him enjoying the sexting and looking forward to another low pressure evening where you can hang out and hook up. But you want more so step aside and don’t get caught up in this whole desperate prison to convince him you are a nice girl and potential wife material. Remotest chance ever that he will change his mindset Waste of time to keep in touch IMO. And huge risk you will use it as an excuse to claim you were led on or used or that there are no good guys. He’s a good guy who wants a fling with you. Or he might be a bad person but not because of anything he’s done or not done so far. Don’t lie to yourself.

[boltnrun]

You told.him you want to cook for him at your place and want him to rub you down after?

 

Oh dear...

[Alex39]

I said I wouldn't mind another foot massage, because he gave me one while he was here last time. And I also said it'd be fun to watch this certain movie and play board games too. Wasn't just all massaging and cooking.

 

I am laying off now. We have no plans. I know for a fact he is just sitting at his house right now, today, and I am too. That is what stinks to me. I am laying off, we have no plans, he isn't heavily communicating and we have no set plans. I guess I am confused at to what happened to the guy that was at my house who seemed smitten and into me, and the guy who left my house seeming distant and the guy ever since who blows hot and cold with sporadic communication. Its really throwing my head for a loop, because it doesn't make any sense. I am now still talking to other guys, because this is so up in the air.

[Metaltwin70]

' I am now still talking to other guys, because this is so up in the air.'

 

Great - that's the spirit. Keep talking to others and let him go to h***, he knows where to find you. Don't chase him, don't 'accidentally' text him or 'snap' him or whatever, just let it be and live your life. If yours was a true connection both you and HIM would want to see as much of each other as possible, all hearts and butterflies. And I personally don't think it is because you did or said this that or the other - he either feels IT for you or he doesn't. Nothing you do or say would put him off if he really was into you, within reason of course.

 

Just to give you hope, when I met my husband I did it aaaaaall the exact same all-around wrong way I always did with each of my (idiot) exes. Jumped all in way too soon, sex on second date, madly in love by week 4, not at all needy or jealous - until my 4th glass of wine that is.. you get the picture. Yet, guess what? He fell in love with me too. Just like I was - a mess of issues and problems. He stayed no matter what I said or did. A lot of people have this idea that you are the problem, the common denominator, the reason why your r-ships don't work out. I say you haven't yet met your perfect match.

[katrina1980]

JMO but the reason he seemed smitten and into you, rubbing your feet, announcing what a "nice guy" he is, encouraging you to trust him, saying all the "right" things was because his agenda was different from yours.

 

He was hoping to have sex with you.

 

When you told him no, made it clear you weren't that type of girl, his entire mode changed from seemingly being *smitten* (which was a ruse) to pulling back and essentially going cold.

 

Amk, you seem like such a sweet girl, accomplished, smart, good career, but your picker is off. And your self-esteem.

 

You simply cannot allow yourself to get caught up in all the attention and flattery so early on.

 

This has been said so many times but when a man comes on so strong like he did, and certainly suggesting you go away together for the weekend after only one or two dates IS coming on strong, among other things he said, he tends to go cold and disappear just as fast.

 

Please be aware of this going forward and exercise discretion.

 

Refrain from getting caught up in it, all the texting, sexual innuendo, all of it. Space your texts out, no need to jump and reply back immediately, or be texting morning till night. It's way too much especially in these early stages.

 

Let him wonder about you a little bit. It increases attraction in these early stages. It also protects you from becoming too attached too soon.

 

I am glad you're back out there interacting with other men and I am sorry this isn't working out as you had hoped.

 

((Hugs))

[Alex39]

You definitely described me perfectly. I don't meant to do this. I get really excited when I like someone and they show they like me back. Today I am struggling, but not texting or snap chatting him. I am refraining. I want to so bad, but I know its just to seek him out and validation. I shouldn't have to do that. It should just be easy.

 

I want to confirm that way before he even came over my house, I let him know I wasn't that type to hookup. So he knew this before coming over.

[katrina1980]

 

I want to confirm that way before he even came over my house, I let him know I wasn't that type to hookup. So he knew this before coming over.

 

A lot of women will tell a man that, but end up hooking up anyway. So that may have been his experience.

 

I gotta say, when you described the first date at your home, "my" alarm went off!

 

The whole thing just sounded very weird.

 

I think you're doing great! You maintained boundaries (no sex) and you're not chasing. Getting back out there.

 

Having different experiences is good, nothing to get down about, it's all a learning process and journey. And it takes a long time to get it right, if ever.

 

I am in a relationship now and still make mistakes and learning!

 

So chin up, okay?

 

Your "prince" will come!

[Alex39]

Thank you!

 

This was not our first date by the way. We had met twice before this.

 

I am bummed out. I thought he liked me. I really thought we had a great time and things were going well, and as not expecting this. I starting falling for him, so I am a bit disappointed. I mean who tells a girl "You're already so much better than my ex-girlfriend"

 

Not something I hear everyday.

 

Even the going away, as weird as it was, it was also exciting and sounded amazing, so I was into it. He had me hooked on it. It sounded fun. He was a gentleman and so sweet to me. I don't know what happened.

 

Trying not to ponder it anymore. Like I mentioned, maybe its absolutely nothing and he's just not thinking anything is wrong, but I find the backing off communicating and not making plans seems a bit fishy. I don't want a travel "friend". I want a boyfriend eventually.

 

Thanks for all the support. I truly appreciate it.

[Batya33]

The problem is when someone knows you for a very short time you sssike he is “smitten” “with you”. He doesn’t know you. He knows his pairs of socks much longer and you already removed your socks for a foot massage. As an aside. Serially. You need to slow down on all these assumptions about near strangers. Why in the world would you not be trying to meet other people? Because a near stranger showed up for a date and got too drunk to drive and said flattering things and behaved respectfully as he should? What are your standards because it seems to me your standards are “please approve of me and act like you find me attractive and if you do I’ll agree to cook for you and go away with you and sext with you and text all day long”

Instead of texting I recommend watching The Joy Luck Club from the early 1990s. One of the women gets great advice from her mama on figuring out what she is worth. I don’t think you’ve figured it out yet. You talk a good game but your actions say otherwise. And will turn off the men looking for women to potentially marry and start a family with.

[Wiseman2]

Did he follow up on going away for a weekend? Next time do not have anyone sleep over. No couch, etc.

 

It is pointless to say the trite "I'm not that type of girl" when you let drunken guys crash at your place even if no sex takes place. As well as send texts about massages and dinner at your place.

 

The most important thing you can do with dating is to line up your actions and words. And hang back a bit rather than chase this hard.

Even the going away, as weird as it was, it was also exciting and sounded amazing, so I was into it. He had me hooked on it. It sounded fun. I want a boyfriend eventually.

[Metaltwin70]

'Even the going away, as weird as it was, it was also exciting and sounded amazing, so I was into it. He had me hooked on it. It sounded fun'

 

I get this. I get how you'd be excited - this fresh new shiny potential lover you're all into who seemingly is all into you too and wanting to spend the whole weekend together away somewhere nice. I don't blame you for being excited. Sadly though, he didn't follow up on it. He's radio-silent. So you need to say to yourself: if he really wanted it, he'd be planning it. Texting, phoning, suggesting ideas, places to go, etc etc. He isn't. Conclusion? S** him to h***. I've lived before I met him, I've only known him a few days, I'll live after I've forgotten all about him.

[figureitout23]

Thank you!

 

This was not our first date by the way. We had met twice before this.

 

I am bummed out. I thought he liked me. I really thought we had a great time and things were going well, and as not expecting this. I starting falling for him, so I am a bit disappointed. I mean who tells a girl "You're already so much better than my ex-girlfriend"

 

Not something I hear everyday.

 

Even the going away, as weird as it was, it was also exciting and sounded amazing, so I was into it. He had me hooked on it. It sounded fun. He was a gentleman and so sweet to me. I don't know what happened.

 

Trying not to ponder it anymore. Like I mentioned, maybe its absolutely nothing and he's just not thinking anything is wrong, but I find the backing off communicating and not making plans seems a bit fishy. I don't want a travel "friend". I want a boyfriend eventually.

 

Thanks for all the support. I truly appreciate it.

 

I'm going to be the odd man out and say, I really don't see this as dead in the water. I see it as your anxiety is on hyper drive because of your ezpieriences so any change in him any pause is making you see things magnified.

 

I also want to add that I don't see him massaging your feet as any indication that he must only want sex from you.

 

Look at the end of the day these rules really mean jack and that's the honest truth. If the connection is there, the connection will be there and it will be pretty hard to mess that up, it's possible of course, but like metalwin said about her and her husband. When it's right, it's right. If a man wants to screw you, it's not really going to change because you met him at pei wei and little caesars, so again, not seeing where you messed up.

 

I'm not quick to say, 'follow your gut' because you do tend to be attracted to rejection. But again, I'm not seeing where you went wrong. It is pretty odd he hasn't asked you out, but in 2018, women can ask men out too, so i wouldn't put too much stock in it.

 

I don't know call me optimistic, I really think you should just wait this one out. Date others enjoy yourself, but again, don't think this is over and I'm not getting the sex only vibe...

 

I do think that if you take the perceived rejection to latch on more it'll knock the train off the rails though. So yeah back off a bit.

[Batya33]

I'm going to be the odd man out and say, I really don't see this as dead in the water. I see it as your anxiety is on hyper drive because of your ezpieriences so any change in him any pause is making you see things magnified.

 

I also want to add that I don't see him massaging your feet as any indication that he must only want sex from you.

 

Look at the end of the day these rules really mean jack and that's the honest truth. If the connection is there, the connection will be there and it will be pretty hard to mess that up, it's possible of course, but like metalwin said about her and her husband. When it's right, it's right. If a man wants to screw you, it's not really going to change because you met him at pei wei and little caesars, so again, not seeing where you messed up.

 

I'm not quick to say, 'follow your gut' because you do tend to be attracted to rejection. But again, I'm not seeing where you went wrong. It is pretty odd he hasn't asked you out, but in 2018, women can ask men out too, so i wouldn't put too much stock in it.

 

I don't know call me optimistic, I really think you should just wait this one out. Date others enjoy yourself, but again, don't think this is over and I'm not getting the sex only vibe...

 

I do think that if you take the perceived rejection to latch on more it'll knock the train off the rails though. So yeah back off a bit.

 

It wasn't the foot massage -it was that he texted her that he wants to massage her whole body and they just recently met and she told him she's not that "type of girl" - a guy who wants to show he respects a new person in his life would not text that IMO.

[katrina1980]

It wasn't the foot massage -it was that he texted her that he wants to massage her whole body and they just recently met and she told him she's not that "type of girl" - a guy who wants to show he respects a new person in his life would not text that IMO.

 

I agree with you B, but then again, given what amk had texted him about how she was looking forward to another one of his awesome foot massages (paraphrasing), perhaps he felt safe texting her that. Harmless flirting.

 

But mostly I don't think a man who was sincere in his affection would be pushing a woman to spend the entire weekend with him out of town after only two dates. And then suddenly back off, and essentially disappear.

 

I was actually hoping amk would have posted something today, telling us he had responded back to her, saying hi and following up on his earlier invite, but there is nothing, which given how strong he had initially come on, all the texting day into night is quite strange to say the least.

 

But who knows, FIO could be right. I mentioned that earlier too, that perhaps he's just taking a breather from all of it. The "too much too soon syndrome" and he's stepped back to reassess.

 

He may also be talking to/dating other girls, which is certainly his right.

 

amk, you should be doing same (with guys).

 

It's hard to know for sure what's going on in his head, these early stages are so chock full of uncertainty and you just gotta roll with it (as hard as that is to do sometimes).

 

I agree with fio that for now you should do nothing, sit back and let this play out. Don't contact him but if he contacts you today, tomorrow or even Thursday, and makes a plan for the weekend, remain open and flexible.

 

Continue to maintain boundaries and stick with the day trip over the weekend (versus the entire weekend).

 

Cut back on the texting, and just let it take you wherever it's meant to take you.

 

Keep us posted!

[Batya33]

I don't think there's much uncertainty here. When he met her his first impression was to make rude comments about people who are overweight. He then chose to get drunk on their real second date - again not the best impression. And yes she is sending mixed messages with the "not that type of girl" and then sending suggestive texts. I missed that part and I agree that his response was consistent with her sexual flirting. Now, he's stopped staying in contact much and didn't follow through on his wanting to go away with her. So there's actually a lot of certainty.

 

I find things uncertain in the beginning in this way - both people might be putting their best selves forward and showing interest in actions and words but without knowing someone over a period of time there is inherent uncertainty. I don't think this is one of those situations.