Getting in my own head

[figureitout23]

3 weeks AMK, 3 weeks.

[Wiseman2]

What he says and what he does are two vastly different things. You are only listening to the "marry you one day" nonsense and ignoring how he is acting and what he is doing. You are pretending you're already married because of his bs like "AA" and other string-along talk. Yet he can't make time for you or communicate real things with you. In fact he won't even take time to get to know you.

 

It sounds like he knows you enjoy listening to unrealistic saccharine nonsense and substitutes that for real dating and trying to form a real relationship. It's very unhealthy to keep attempting to transfer excessive dependency on parents to a new dating situation.

 

Are your parents pushing marriage on you because they also believe you need to be taken care of and can't function independently? For example, why don't you have a roadside assistance plan? Why does your mother need to know every single detail of every minute of your life and every thought and feeling about and interaction with this guy?

What if we have kids someday.

He wants me to share my life with him and to get to know me inside and out.

He wants me to rely on him.

he is very flighty when it comes to plans and seeing me.

this is the man who wants to be my husband.

Even from hours away my parents helped me.

[Honeycomb8]

3 weeks AMK, 3 weeks.

I'm face palming and cringing right now. It's totally out of touch with reality...I wasn't even like this when I was in high school.

[Alex39]

We've been dating for three months not three weeks. My parents are not pushing marriage on me at all. Quite the opposite. They raised me to be very independent, and I am. I reached out to my parents, because my father knows a lot about cars, of which I just do not. They live far away. but he told me where to go and who to call is all. I relied on them for support. I didn't tell my boyfriend anything about my predicament until after, and never conveyed to him I needed him at all. He was the one who insisted he would have handled it for me, of which I didn't fawn all over, so he even said it again. I think he wanted me to need him. I want to be able to rely on him, when life throws you curve balls. But his schedule of his job and his recent 5 week absence have made me weary about relying on him. It doesn't build up strong confidence in him.

 

He claims his ex was cheating on him with another guy under his nose. To be honest, I can see why. Now, I don't condone cheating and would never do it myself, but I can see if he was gone for a ton of time away and he was unreliable, she was lonely and went looking for someone else. Along with his controlling tendencies and wanting someone to be waiting around for him, again, I can see why she went to someone else. Do I think its right? No. She should have just broken things off with him. But he dotes often, which is very nice, so no wonder she didn't want to leave him.

 

At this point, I don't know if he is just being a normal dude. I can see a lot of the behaviors he is exhibiting as behaviors my brother would exhibit. The lack of plans until last minute, the not planning, the tunnel vision, etc...

 

I was feeling wishy washy last night, and then he called me before bed. Just his call, which was nothing special. We chatted a bit about nothing, reassured me. He was there for me, and wanted to talk to me before bed. All I am looking for is effort and time. Those are the most important things to me. Its like he is a mind reader. Every time I am feeling wishy washy, he always calls me and makes it better by him just being him. He reassures me we are in this together. He even said that the other night. He said he and I were a team, a unit, and it was us against the world, not just me by myself. I know it was just words, but it was a nice statement to make.

[Honeycomb8]

Based on the dates of your posts, from your first date till now it's been less than two and a half months. Minus 5 weeks leaves you with 5 weeks of in person time. Don't know where you got 3 months? Slow down and don't believe everything you're being told.

[Alex39]

I think the lack of planning has given me a bit of anxiety, especially after his prolonged absence.

 

I think in my head I keep feeling like, 'am I not going to see him for another 4 weeks, 5 weeks, etc...?'

 

Every time we speak I am always bringing up schedules for this and that. Asking his schedule. Asking when he is free. Almost to curb my need to know when I am going to see him next. Like right now, we have no weekend plans, even though he claims he has Saturday and Sunday off. But that always could change a day or two ahead due to his schedule, so he doesn't like to commit. But I want to come back from Thanksgiving early to have time with him, but I don't want to come back and then for him to be no where to be found, and I could have had more time with my family.

 

I guess I am just driving myself crazy.

[Wiseman2]

Stop doing this. He's avoiding you and you are chasing harder and harder and harder. Plan the holidays with your family, stop trying to pin him down when he's deliberately dodging you.. Obviously he doesn't want to spend as much time with you. Keep in mind this is just dating stop pretending you are a long term couple or married.

Asking his schedule. Asking when he is free. I want to come back from Thanksgiving early to have time with him, but I don't want to come back and then for him to be no where to be found, and I could have had more time with my family.

[Alex39]

Yes, I know. I think I am causing all of this turmoil in my own head. I am obsessed with plans and I keep putting so much effort in. I realized this morning that I keep putting so much effort in, of which he doesn't know, buying him Christmas gifts and such. I think I am feeling weary, because I feel uneven. I am putting so much effort and thought in, and I am not feeling it from him on the same level. He claims he thinks about me constantly, and I think he does, but I think I am feeling like I am putting in all the work and he is just going along and when he has time is thinking of me.

 

I am driving myself crazy. I wish I could stop. I am going to try to focus more on my life, what I have to get done, etc...

 

Its so hard. I do think he loves and cares for me, and I am most likely pushing him away with my incessant need for plans and scheduling. Like today he was saying things about his job. I asked when he got off tomorrow, because I may have time to swing by and see him before I leave for holiday. He says he is working all night. This is typical. He then says "I don't have the same schedule as you, you know"

 

I was kind of taken back by this. I didn't insinuate he did. So I responded "I know you don't, that is why I was asking."

 

I am feeling crazy. Gosh, I am beating up on myself, while also feeling like a loser for being this way. I don't want to push him away. I want to grow closer. We had a great time this weekend, and I should be happy and content with that.

[Batya33]

He kept telling me he had tunnel vision when the exams were around. I got the stress. I got the studying. But I just didn't feel like saying he had tunnel vision was a good excuse. What if we have kids someday. Kids need multi tasking. They need a million different things all the time, balancing work and a wife too. Could he do it if he gets tunnel vision? He told me he gets it sometimes when something is important and takes up all his thoughts.

 

He wants me to share my life with him and to get to know me inside and out. I openly told him, that to do that you actually have to see the person. You can't grow any closer separated for five weeks.

 

He wants me to rely on him, but at this point, I do not feel I can rely on him. Because he is very flighty when it comes to plans and seeing me. If I had an emergency, he wouldn't be the first person I would call. I want him to be, but right now in my book, he isn't. And this is the man who wants to be my husband. Your husband should be the person you call, without a single thought. Last weekend I got a flat tire. I called my parents to help me. Even from hours away my parents helped me.

 

I told him about it after the fact. He kept saying how if he was around, he would have taken care of it. He was away on a business trip at the time. So he definitely couldn't have. I didn't fawn over his after the fact offer of helping. He is saying he would have, but this is in hindsight. He didn't. Couldn't. Which is fine. He said it agin. "I would have taken care of all of that for you"

 

He knew it stressed me out. Laid me up for two days, and as a woman who knows little about cars, I didn't know what to do. Thank god for my parents. I want him to be that man that takes care of it for me. I think he would have if he had been around, but only time and actions will tell.

 

But you are not married and you do not have kids. If that happens with him or someone else, at that time you will communicate as adults what your expectations are. My husband is also working on a PhD while working more than full time. We have a child. So we communicated about how that would go before he started (when our son was quite young). We communicated a lot about our plans concerning marriage and parenting before those things happened, once we knew they would (or hoped they would) happen in the not too distant future. And the communication continues - it's never set in stone cuz life happens, you know? If you know he gets tunnel vision in situations like this perhaps you would plan for that and hire extra help during that time. People do that all the time. And I mean all the time -it's all over my mom groups on Facebook, people asking for short term babysitters, nannies, housekeepers for those unusually busy/stressful times. Or you arrange for family to help if you are unbelievably lucky enough to have that option (we were not for the vast majority of the time).

 

No he is NOT supposed to be there for every flat tire. Even if you were married. No, a thousand times no. Yes in emergencies -which have a kind of broad definition but you're a smart person and you know a flat tire is not an emergency. Why did your parents have to help you? Why not just hire someone to help? It's nice of them but not expected. Please get real on this stuff -this stuff of "marital bliss" and "we must always be there for each other no matter what" -and that is especially true if you want: (1) an intelligent and ambitious person; (2) child/children. You will learn that quite often, if at all possible you have to "throw money at the problem." Hire people, barter - you babysit/clean someone's house and they do the same for you. Be resilient and resourceful. That is how to be a good partner and a good parent.

[figureitout23]

I'm face palming and cringing right now. It's totally out of touch with reality...I wasn't even like this when I was in high school.

 

Yes, I think we are one of her coping mechanisms, she’s comes here vents, complains, overthinks, then it’s back to the status quo.

 

Call me crazy, I think this relationships going to go on for a while. They’re two broken people essentially using one another to fill a void. Hes going to do his thing, she’s going to do hers. Both of their issues are manifesting themselves already. Nothing seems to be too bad yet, but there’s really no saying where his mind is at. That’s the danger in dating to complete yourself, these extremes are attractive. But it could also be his issues aren’t dangerous and everything works out. I’m honestly hoping for that.

 

We keep going in circles with her, so who are the crazy ones? She’s going to be who she is, we keep feeding it.

[boltnrun]

AMK, dating and relationships are supposed to be pleasurable. They should enhance our lives.

 

Are you enjoying this relationship? If so, why all the angst? Do you thrive on angst and drama?

[Alex39]

I keep feeling like I'm crazy. I'm sorry for coming and venting. Sometimes I just need some support and reassurance, that I am not crazy. Maybe I expect too much, but I truly don't think I do. Maybe he is perfectly fine and I am the one over here, hyperventilating over absolutely nothing. I want it to work. I think he and I are two different people, who I think can make it work. I truly do. I think we mesh well, but also have differences that keep things interesting.

 

I think I keep freaking out trying to predict the future and trying to protect myself, ready to run at any sign of unjust, when in reality he keeps proving to me that he is here with me all the way. He called me last night, after I was feeling like he was avoiding me. He reassured me. He called me this morning, after again, I felt he was sick of me, and again he reassured me.

 

I don't know what girl doesn't like to make concrete plans and be reassured. I don't know one other girl my age who doesn't want to spend a lot of time with their boyfriends. I was just talking to one of my girlfriends. She is a very level headed and career oriented woman. She said she felt the 5 weeks was extreme and that he should have tried harder. She said she thinks she would feel the same as me. All I can do is wait. Sit and see how things play out. I am a control freak who wants to make things play out like I want them too. But that is not real life. I can only control me and how I feel and react. He said his schedule of exams and craziness is over. So I can only see if he is right in the next coming weeks.

[boltnrun]

If you can't get a handle on your anxiety and need for constant reassurance you will end up causing the very thing you fear.

[Alex39]

I know. That is what I am afraid of.

 

I just still feel like there is something wrong. I know this feeling. I have felt it before. I truly think it is his actions are not 100% matching up with his words. It creates an uneasy feeling, because someone is telling you they love you, but then not spending a lot of time with you. It creates a disconnect and it makes me feel like this huge weight is on my chest. I feel invested and something is making me think he is backing off. Not totally. Just that he has backed off from his initial pursuit of me. I don't think he is going to up and leave me tomorrow, but there is just something wrong. He keeps telling me to stop thinking these negative thoughts, but its hard not to when I feel this way.

[Wiseman2]

Stop. Stop buying him gifts. You are over investing. Your chasing this hard may be contributing to his pulling back. You are doing this to yourself by continually acting as if you are engaged after a few dates.

, buying him Christmas gifts and such. I am putting so much effort and thought in, and I am not feeling it from him on the same level.

[katrina1980]

Why do you keep saying FIVE weeks, like it's all his fault you haven't seen each other?

 

He was on vacation with his family for two of those weeks and then you said when he returned your schedules conflicted and you weren't available.

 

So it was two weeks and he was stressed out from studying and preparing for promotion.

 

At this point, I have no opinion on his behavior anymore, because I don't know if you're exaggerating due to overthinking and anxiety.

 

I think more than anything else, it's pretty clear you are not compatible!

[katrina1980]

You had a beautiful weekend, I don't get why you can't simply enjoy your connection and get rid of all these "shoulds."

 

He should be spending more time, he should want to plan in advance, he should not need to study, he should not have tunnel vision, he should this, he should that.

 

There are no "shoulds," it's what works for each couple.

 

I can tell you in honesty, given his vacation and stress from studying, as long as he was staying in touch, I would have no problem with not seeing him for five weeks.

 

I have a life outside of him!

 

You do have a problem with it, which is okay, you're you.

 

So you have two choices.

 

Accept his limitations and appreciate what he does give you, or walk away.

 

It's really that simple amk.

[Alex39]

I know. I see that now. I am trying to control my overthinking and anxiety and focus on the good things we have. We had a great time together. I loved spending time with him. He does talk to me a lot, and here I am probably smothering him. I need to relax and let him have his life and his space. He doesn't work the same type of job as me with the same hours. I have to respect that and realize that he is just busy.

 

I have a life too. I think recently I have not fully been living my life, because I have been making my life all about him.

 

I want to be with him. I do love him, so I have to get over this in order to make this work between us.

 

I am so terrified now that I have made a bad impression on him, that he won't want to be with me, which makes me smother more. Not the right move. I know this. I am going to try and back off, and let not only him breathe, but myself as well. I need to calm my nerves, enjoy my day, focus on my work, and my priorities.

 

I am going to see my family for a few days and celebrate a holiday. I should be excited and happy. Instead I'm a wreck and being a control freak about every little thing. I need to change my ways as soon as possible.

 

My anxiety is out of control, and I see now that I cannot let this ruin my life, or my relationship. I need to be more secure in not having constant contact with him.

 

What is so weird, is when he was away for the 5 weeks, I was frustrated, but I wasn't anxious. I was fine. I knew he was busy with work, studying, etc... and I was actually more okay than I am now. Its like seeing him this weekend, has triggered this intense anxiety.

 

I need to get back into the mindset of "I will see him when I see him and when I do it will be great, because I have a great man that loves me"

Instead of all the micro managing our schedules and trying to plan the future. I need to be content with what I have. A great boyfriend who I had a great weekend with.

 

I am so scared now that I am pushing him away. Maybe he is seeing this horrible side of me and he is not liking it. I don't know how to fix this, but hoping starting now isn't too late.

 

I've been chasing and clingy, which is not what I want to be. I was an independent, fun loving girl when we got together. I had my own life. Now I revolve my life around him.

 

Though, truly, I do not want to take full blame on this. I think some of this is on him. As he has created a partially me sitting around waiting on him relationship. He will tell me I don't communicate or share enough. So I get super close and doting, and worry if I don't please him he will be disappointed.

 

I am going to just try and relax more and not be so type A. I'm very type A.

 

I am breathing and focusing on the good, not the bad or potential bad. Just letting it go is so hard, but I want to make it work.

[Alex39]

I was reading through someone else who was posting on here about how she has severe anxiety not hearing from the guy and feels so upset. It got me thinking about how when he and I first started dating I was strong and independent. I let him have space and was very level headed. I didn't care what he thought, and I was always myself.

 

I truly think what changed was his complaining about my communication and sharing my life with him. That broke me down. I felt I was doing the right thing by giving him space and not being clingy and coasting along. But he kept making comments to me, and it almost made me feel dependent on him.

 

When he went on vacation, I immediately thought, he is with his family, he is away on a trip, enjoying himself. I am not going to keep contacting him, because of this. I hope he has a good time, and he is the one that left, so he can call me. By the end of the week, he was complaining about my apparent lack of commutation and how I didn't call him. I told him that I knew he was with his family, and heck if I knew if he was on the beach or something, why would I call you? He didn't call me. He has a phone. I remember thinking the standards were not equal. When we don't talk on the phone, its always me that didn't call him.

Its a little manipulative to be honest. I think this is what shifted, because I was fine before all this happened. His most recent new thing is he will tell me I didn't contact him or say good morning and I will say "Well you could have called me too" and he keeps telling me that he sent me snapchats or texts and it doesn't go through. Now I have no way of knowing whether it did or did not go through, but all my friends and family have no issue sending me things and I get the things with no issue.

 

I question if he didn't send anything at all. Why not follow up with me and ask if I got the message? He doesn't, just accuses me of not responding. This has been happening every so often frequently too.

 

I care deeply for this man. He is a good, smart, strong manly man. Someone I always described wanting. And I do want him, but I do think his complaining has made me a hot mess of anxiety. I am going to get this in check.

 

I was strong and level headed before. I knew who I was and did what I felt was right. If he doesn't like it, he can take me or leave me. I can't be afraid to be me.

[katrina1980]

 

I was strong and level headed before. I knew who I was and did what I felt was right. If he doesn't like it, he can take me or leave me. I can't be afraid to be me.

 

Exactly! Now what are you going to do to get back to yourself and do YOU? And become that strong, independent, level headed woman you were before you met him?

 

Man, the more you post the more I'm thinking this guy is just bad news. I think next time he pulls that *, stand up to him, in your own feminine way of course. Let him know his accusations and demands aren't acceptable.

 

That's if you think he's worth it; for me I find such controlling demanding guilt-inducing behavior a huge turn off, so this early on I'd be moving on. I have no tolerance for that *.

 

His controlling behavior is based on his own anxieties and insecurities, and it typically never gets better, only worse with time. Especially when you acquiesce to it the way you've been doing.

 

Best of luck whatever you decide.

[boltnrun]

You were obsessing over "work guy" up until you met this man. So this is a pattern with you.

 

Are you in any kind of therapy?

[Jellybean9]

Hey amkxoxo39,

 

Now I haven't been with your story but what I've gathered from this is you don't seem genuinely happy. It seems very stressful for you when it's the early days and should be all fun!

 

One of my long-term relationships started funny enough with him going away for three weeks with friends. We had only been on three dates (one a week). On his return he pushed to meet like three days after he came back. I didn't push or have to schedule in for him to meet me. He did it all on his own.

 

That said... My ex did not have to come back to revision and that sort of stress. So I can understand why following his holiday he was not making immediate plans to meet up. When I was studying for my finals I went a whole week with cat food in my hair. Yes cat food. Some people literally go onto their own little zone when revising and stuff.

 

I'm not condoning his behaviors but just saying I can understand as exam stress can make someone really busy and "zone" out.

 

Although people seek different things from what they want and expect from a relationship. Seems like the two of you want different things.

 

You seem like you seek that constant flurry of attention and meeting regularly. He doesn't seem to share that same need.

 

I'll tell you this story about my friend who was seeing this girl for a couple of months. He would see her like once every two weeks. He was busy working and stuff. Not a valid enough reason to not meet up with her! Anyway she ended up leaving him as that just wasn't fulfilling her relationship needs. Fast forward a 3 months later he is with another girl who he spends all his time with. So much time in fact I haven't seen him in like forever... But that's a different story. I'm not telling you this to make you feel bad just making you realise people want different things from relationships. Sometimes they change if they meet the "one" they are willing to change for like my friend.

 

Maybe once you have an honest talk with your bf he may be willing to make more time with you. It sounds like he did after his exams. And wants to see your before Thanksgiving which is nice. Just see how it plays out.

 

He shouldn't expect you to drop everything at the drop of a hat when he wants to see you. That's wrong. And you shouldn't come running when he clicks his fingers. It will turn into a relationship dynamic that isn't healthy.

 

All I can say is don't let him ruin the family holiday if he doesn't live up to you expectations.

 

Truly sit and think of what you want from a relationship. I can guarantee you that another man out there would want the closeness you do too.

 

You shouldn't have to be at a stage where you "want it to work".

 

All I'm saying seeing how the next few weeks pan out without his "exam stress" then decide what is best for you!

 

Best of luck.

[Batya33]

I think it depends on what is meant by "all their time together" - going out and doing things or teleworking from home/studying but being in the same house together? Nothing at all wrong with the latter- I think it can work great if one or both are really busy - but then it's not about "he made more time for her" as opposed to "she accommodated him by being "together" even though they're doing their own thing.

[Jellybean9]

I think it depends on what is meant by "all their time together" - going out and doing things or teleworking from home/studying but being in the same house together? Nothing at all wrong with the latter- I think it can work great if one or both are really busy - but then it's not about "he made more time for her" as opposed to "she accommodated him by being "together" even though they're doing their own thing.

 

I completely get that. It is all about being accommodating.

 

Sometimes spending time with someone you are dating isn't even about going out on the dates and all that stuff. It's merely spending time together.

 

I remember I hadn't seen my boyfriend at the time for like three weeks. He was at a festival came back really ill and then I was off on a festival. Didn't want to risk getting ill before I was away so we didn't meet.

 

By time I came back he was super busy with job applications so I invited him around and we applied for jobs together. We had missed each other and I was accommodating of his situation so to see him we did job applications and I helped him. It was really nice actually.

 

Spending time with someone is about give and take.

 

Which from what I've read feels to be lacking in their relationship at the moment. There isn't understanding of each other's "needs". Which is why a honest grown up talk is what is needed.

 

I feel they need to really address their relationship needs. Which may uncover some incompatibility.

[Batya33]

Yes but keeping in mind they've been together a really short time. So the talk needs to take that into account and it needs to be with a careful, thoughtful tone lest he thinks she's being needy or "wifey". Her thing about the flat tire and what she would have expected at this juncture concerned me.