Getting in my own head

[milly007]

My response, the not talking for three days?

 

Is my fault?

 

I can own up to that. I was so hurt. And "good morning" after saying you would leave me just made it worse.

 

I would have responded if he said I'm sorry

 

But I just thought he might have called and wanted to talk things out.

 

I think I was also a bit mad he didn't return my texts or calls the night before after the discussion about him leaving me. I kind of felt angry and almost didn't want to jump and answer him, since he didn't to me. I really thought he would try to reach me to make things better.

 

Anything else my fault?

 

I do see the error of ignoring him. I regret it and feel terribly that it could be the cause of our relationship being potentially over right now. It was out of spite. I should have been the better person and answered him. My parents felt like answering him, was me chasing a man who said he'd leave me. They encouraged me to not answer. I should have known better. They were upset and mad because I cried to them hurt all night.

 

You not having responded to him for three days is not the cause of this relationship being over.

 

Him having texted you to let you know that he'd move back home without you and essentially leave your relationship in the dust is what caused this. You're not giving this guy enough credit, OP. He knew that the message he sent was mean and hurtful - anyone with half a brain would know this. It also sounds like he thrives and feeds off of drama, to be honest. He knew that you would react the way you did - by begging, pleading, etc., and for some reason I can't help but think that he feeds off of this meanness, I really do. I wouldn't be surprised if he couldn't survive a relationship without it.

 

I'm guessing that your mindset is something along these lines: By you blaming yourself, it makes him look guilt free, and therefore if he does by chance reach out (which you're hoping for), the chances of reconciling might be good because what recently happened was your fault, not his. This way, you don't feel guilty for taking him back.

 

I hope this isn't what you're thinking.

 

I don't want to sound as though I'm trivializing what you're going through, OP - really I'm not. I've gone through heartbreak and I think we're all more apt to focus more on the positive than the negative following a break-up.

 

But I also want to note, it definitely sounds like you're so focused on all of the happy experiences you two shared that you're neglecting to take into consideration how horribly this man has treated you.

 

I mean, can you imagine moving in with this man (and away from your family), and being involved in a long-term relationship or married to this guy?

 

I can't imagine the mean-streak you'd be subjected to, honestly. You think you've seen it all with this guy, but you haven't. He needs some serious help/therapy.

 

What irks me about this too is the fact that this guy is so manipulative, he's somehow managed to make you think that what happened is your fault.

 

Who tells their significant other (and via text, mind you) that he'd move away and break-up with you and not expect the other person to be hurt.

 

You reacted to this text as most people would, and he then responds with a 'good morning' text the next day?

 

No, this guy's an ar$e - no question about it. And going back to him (which I hope you don't) will subject you to so much more hurt (particularly because he knows he can get away with it with you - and he will continue to push the limits and cause hurt if you take him back).

[figureitout23]

Milly makes a great point. Imagine being away from your support system and being abandoned like this because you ‘made’ him mad.

 

He’s done a version of this twice now... and you’re still in the honeymoon phase...let that sink in.

[Alex39]

I agree. Totally. I am letting my positive feelings cloud my good judgement.

 

They say love makes you blind. I'm still in love. I still care for him. So my judgement is impaired. I was telling a friend this evening how its the worst conflicting feeling inside. That the person you love hurt you. You still want to love them, but they hurt you so you're mad. You don't want to be mad. Because you love them, but the hurt doesn't disappear either.

 

So its like an internal battle. One minute I want him so badly. The next I try and force myself to move on. I'm too giving, too understanding. I try and make sense 9f it, give people a chance. There is no making sense of ignoring me for one week.

 

Its constant contraction. I know I deserve more. I deserve someone less judgemental, depressed, and flighty. But then I don't want to think of him badly, because the love feeling creeps in and has me remembering all the great times we had. The way I caught him looking at me when he thought I wasn't looking, the way he would try and surprise me but would struggle because he was too excited, the way he held me. The positive versus the negative.

 

I know deep down, I need someone willing to put in the effort, time, and work that I am willing to. I give a lot. I want the other person to ve happy. But I need to be happy too.

 

Deep down I do deserve more. Relationships are work, but they shouldn't be so hard. They should be easy. Each person should want to see each other in free time. Easy. Compromise can be hard, but it should be mutual. Easy. I wish things were different, but I cannot forget that he said he would leave me, and I cannot forget all the tears I have shed, or the fact that he has been purposely ignoring me for almost a week. Its unacceptable.

 

I have to move on. I almost don't want to. Its scary. But I need to. For myself, my well being, my health, my family, my goals, and my future.

[figureitout23]

Right.

 

Also you need to work on yourself so you can be someone a worthy partner deserves as well. You see yourself as a prize, other have pointed out ad nauseam, relationships are partnerships, you aren’t a prize to be won you’re a person who deserves her equal to go on life’s journey together, so prepare yourself now, mentally and emotionally.

[Alex39]

I didn't deserve that. To be told I would just be left, like trash.

 

I know I'm not perfect. But all I ever did was try to love him, listen to him, support him, and spend quality time with him.

 

I'm almost still in disbelief. I don't want to believe someone I thought so highly of, that I gave so much to, would easily throw me away.

 

I'm worth so much more. I'm worth moving with, building a home with, loving, and taking care of. That's all I ever wanted. I just can't believe its over. I don't know if I could ever trust him again. I doubt he's coming around anyway.

 

And to act the next day like you didn't hurt me. That was hurtful.

[figureitout23]

Why are you telling us?

 

You don’t seem to believe it.

 

If you had, like Kat has said multiple times you wouldn’t have put up with half of what you did. Your standards are pretty darn low so why do you keep telling us what you need to be telling and believing about yourself.

 

Have you ever heard of false bravado? I just don’t sense that you believe what you’re saying.

 

I wish you did, but truthfully it’s not really true right now is it? He’s going to be who he is unfortunately, but as many have pointed out your choice of how to handle him was not something many would put up with. So I mean absolutely no disrespect when I say you have some work to do.

 

I can be quick to anger and irritation,, I have an incredibly short fuse, I have to actively work on that to be a good friend, a good mother and a good partner. I was none of those when I allowed unhealthy learned habits to take over.

 

Now I could blame others and say well I deserve to be loved don’t I?

 

Well of course I do but the people around me don’t deserve to be exposed to my issues, it’s not their cross to bear.

 

Do you kinda see what I’m saying?

[Wiseman2]

He doesn't have to apologize for breaking up. Breakups happen and breakups hurt. Anger and dismay happen as a result. A therapist could guide you through all this and give you much better advice than your parents.

I would have responded if he said I'm sorry. after the discussion about him leaving me. I really thought he would try to reach me to make things better.

[Batya33]

"I'm worth so much more. I'm worth moving with, building a home with, loving, and taking care of. That's all I ever wanted. I just can't believe its over. I don't know if I could ever trust him again. I doubt he's coming around anyway. "

 

Nice words, nice wish. But you have to act it if you're going to achieve that goal. That's where the effort comes in -the hard stuff - because if you truly believed that you wouldn't have been dating him by Thanksgiving. And if that's "all you ever wanted" then you would have made far different choices including with the guy at work. It's what you wish was "all I ever wanted" but right now it's a wish -not reality - just a story/fantasy you tell yourself. Make it a reality by doing the work so that what you wish becomes part of you. Make the choices that reflect that wish and make them every day whether or not you have a date, a boyfriend, etc. Show the people you know now how you are strong in your actions, reactions and choices no matter what you "feel" no matter the temptation of giving in and settling just to have a boyfriend (and bonus- those people who see you that way because you act that way might know a good match for you who is looking for a woman who won't settle for unavailable guys).

 

I think he acted like a jerk during Thanksgiving. I think you acted in a thoughtless way at times to which he overreacted. I do not think he "subjected you to mental abuse" then and I wouldn't throw that word around. You were apart during that time for a holiday and he acted like a jerk. You could have chosen as soon as he wasn't reacting well to all your photos and texts of your lovely family time to distance yourself and tell him firmly you thought he was overreacting. You didn't and you kept baiting him. I don't think what he said was "mental abuse" - I know you didn't write that but I'd be careful to call things what they are as you tend toward the over dramatic.

[figureitout23]

May not have been at Thanksgiving but he’s tip toeing into that territory now for sure....

[figureitout23]

He doesn't have to apologize for breaking up. Breakups happen and breakups hurt. Anger and dismay happen as a result. A therapist could guide you through all this and give you much better advice than your parents.

 

When did he break up with her?

 

I mean I guess one could kinda sorta infer he broke up with her by ignoring her all night but then he followed up by texting her good morning...

 

You know for people who claim to be ‘experts’ on abuse there sure are a lot of signs that are missed and a real lack of...you know what... Nevermind....

[Wiseman2]

About 75 posts ago

When did he break up with her?

[Batya33]

May not have been at Thanksgiving but he’s tip toeing into that territory now for sure....

 

Of course, I agree. I was just pointing out that Thanksgiving situation - his recent behavior sure is jerky. I think her focus should be on the stories she tells herself about what she "deserves" in the sense that she's not walking the walk.

[figureitout23]

Of course, I agree. I was just pointing out that Thanksgiving situation - his recent behavior sure is jerky. I think her focus should be on the stories she tells herself about what she "deserves" in the sense that she's not walking the walk.

 

Agree.......

[Metaltwin70]

'He doesn't have to apologize for breaking up. Breakups happen and breakups hurt. Anger and dismay happen as a result. '

 

Agree.

 

Still, bloke's an a-e. He can't text her: 'I am so terribly sorry to do this to you but because of * insert vague invented excuse* I'm afraid I'm going to have to let you go, thank you for the time we've had together' or some such?? On a basic 'human to human' level, she's been in his life for half a year or thereabouts, they've been intimate, he knows full well that she cares, is hurting and suffering like crazy, and he just goes silent?? I repeat - bloke's an a-e. End of story.

[katrina1980]

Re "mental abuse" I stand by what I said.

 

I read Alex's post again describing what happened over Thanksgiving -- angry, cursing her out, mean, nasty, accusatory, gaslighting -- it just went on and on all because of his insecurity over her cat!

 

And which caused Alex to feel, upset, confused, frustrated, scared.

 

To me that's abuse, and goes WAY beyond being a "jerk." If others don't agree, so be.

 

@fio, if my bf suddenly announced to me he was leaving, not taking me with him and ending the relationship, I would heed the message -- he's breaking up with me.

 

As you know I typically take things at face value, and even though it wasn't a direct dump right then, I don't think it's beyond the realm of rational thought to assume he is wanting OUT and it's over.

 

And I would have responded accordingly by confirming it, blocking deleting and never speaking to him again.

 

I agree this is a very hurtful and sad situation and Alex I am very sorry.

 

Please take this as a lesson learned. Please.

 

It's great to scream, I'm a valuable worthwhile person! I deserve to be loved and respected!

 

But you need to walk that walk NOT just talk the talk.

 

Spend this time researching lovebombing and the other bright red flag behavior he exhibited, early on and throughout.

 

Spend this time researching the signs of abuse and behaviors leading up to it - verbal, mental, physical.

 

In addition to the verbal, silence is also a very powerful tool that many potential abusers and full on abusers use to inflict power over their "victims." And this incident is not the first time he's used it.

 

Bottom line, this man does not value you, respect you or love you.

 

I am sooooo sorry!

 

Time heals Alex and I am speaking from experience!!

 

Feel better soon and ((hugs))).

[Alex39]

I agree. I keep self blaming. Thats my struggle currently. Maybe I was too pushy? Clingy? Emotional? Nagging?

 

Maybe I pushed him away?

 

But then one of my friends said something to me that stuck. Someone that loves you. Your boyfriend. You should be able to talk to them about anything, tell them anything. You're a team. My boyfriend used to tell me to be more open, and talk to him about my concerns. I did sometimes, but other times I was scared to. Not wanting to scare him off. I second guessed myself and didn't want to nag or pester.

 

I just don't understand it ending like this. He showered me with love and attention when I saw him last.

 

I keep feeling like something about me, something I said, convinced him to not want to be with me anymore.

[boltnrun]

I agree. I keep self blaming. Thats my struggle currently. Maybe I was too pushy? Clingy? Emotional? Nagging?

 

Maybe I pushed him away?

 

But then one of my friends said something to me that stuck. Someone that loves you. Your boyfriend. You should be able to talk to them about anything, tell them anything. You're a team. My boyfriend used to tell me to be more open, and talk to him about my concerns. I did sometimes, but other times I was scared to. Not wanting to scare him off. I second guessed myself and didn't want to nag or pester.

 

I just don't understand it ending like this. He showered me with love and attention when I saw him last.

 

I keep feeling like something about me, something I said, convinced him to not want to be with me anymore.

 

Sigh.

 

Same mindset.

 

You're stuck in "how do I get this guy to love me?" instead of "Is this the right guy for me?"

 

And it's all stemming from "MUST get a boyfriend!"

[figureitout23]

Yeah....

 

Well you keep saying the same thing despite getting multiple answers. Multiple. You don’t understand? 37 pages girl... the answers here.

 

Eventually you have to take responsibility for your wellbeing.

 

His actions unfortunately are very logical given the warning signs and your response to his action are logical given the warning signs you put out.

[figureitout23]

Sigh.

 

Same mindset.

 

You're stuck in "how do I get this guy to love me?" instead of "Is this the right guy for me?"

 

And it's all stemming from "MUST get a boyfriend!"

 

Agree......

[Batya33]

Sigh.

 

Same mindset.

 

You're stuck in "how do I get this guy to love me?" instead of "Is this the right guy for me?"

 

And it's all stemming from "MUST get a boyfriend!"

 

Agree. And no you shouldn't be able to tell your partner "anything" or talk to him about "anything" - it depends. It depends on the topic, the timing, etc. A partner should be a really important person in your life of course -but among other important people and should not be the be all and end all for whatever you want to share/talk about. Some things are better left private, unsaid or shared with others. Reminds me of the Carly Simon song "We have no secrets"

[Alex39]

I guess not everything. But sometimes I think it is important for partners to talk and be able to express their feelings, especially if it hinders their relationship.

 

I'm just lost, and yes, sometimes I am thinking, how the heck can I fix this.

 

I still care for him. I feel like I pushed him away. I would have gone with him if we kept dating. I miss him.

 

We talked every day, and I loved having him in my life. Contrary to the belief on here.

 

I don't just want a boyfriend to have one.

 

I do want the right person. I've dated and realized on the first date the person isn't right and I didn't go out with them again

 

 

I thought right could be him. We had a lot of similar old fasioned values that I think are very important in a long term relationship. Am I wrong for wanting him to make things right? I don't think so. He said hurtful things.

 

I do wish we were still together. But still together, as in the conversation never happened.

 

And ignoring me as a means of breaking up, or what I assume is breaking up is so wrong. Again, I thought I meant more.

 

But I do see the red flags of the past. The lack of time he gave. His homesickness being so severe. His drunken outburst on Thankgiving.

 

He fought for me back after that. I never expected he wouldn't do the same thing this time.

 

I'm confused as to when to consider the relationship officially broken up. When I mention things, I sat boyfriend. I feel awkward saying it. Saying ex-boyfriend doesn't sound right either.

 

Its frustrating. A little part of me still has hope he'll come around. Though I don't know if I can ever trust him again.

 

I was hoping he'd miss me and realize how much he needed me in his life. I'm foolish.

[Batya33]

You don't want the right person as in a person who wants a healthful relationship with you. If you did you wouldn't have dated him this long and you wouldn't want him back and you wouldn't have pursued your coworker for as long as you did. You might "want" but you're not willing to make the choices and put in the effort to make your want a reality. I don't even know that you have any idea of what it would mean to be the right person. You throw around a lot of platitudes and cliches and what your friends think about what makes a person "right" - you write in generalities but your specific choices show that you're not willing to do what it takes. The great news is that making healthy choices is completely within your control - the downside is it might mean you are on your own for awhile but it will be worth the wait. No guarantees but what you're doing right now isn't working at all.

[katrina1980]

Well it would appear Alex you still have a very long way ago before you actually value yourself, respect yourself, and are able to make good judgments about men, and that is actually quite sad, and also scary.

 

Because with this mindset you leave yourself open and vulnerable for other unworthy losers to enter your life, lovebomb you and make promises they have no intention of keeping. After which they toss you away like garbage, ultimately hurting you.

 

I am not going to respond anymore because there is really nothing any of us can say, is there, that would get you to understand this.

 

I mean absolutely no disrespect but it’s literally like trying to get through a brick wall.

 

I mean he’s been ignoring you for an entire week!

 

And even after the Thanksgiving incident, then a little over a month later, telling you he’s pretty much done with you (moving away and ending the RL), and now ignoring/ghosting you, you still feel “love” for him, you would still go back to him is something I will never comprehend, never ever.

 

I mean what's it gonna take before you finally wake up and face the reality that -- Houston, I have a BIG problem here (within myself) that I need to sort out and resolve?

 

Serious question.

[figureitout23]

You don't want the right person as in a person who wants a healthful relationship with you. If you did you wouldn't have dated him this long and you wouldn't want him back and you wouldn't have pursued your coworker for as long as you did. You might "want" but you're not willing to make the choices and put in the effort to make your want a reality. I don't even know that you have any idea of what it would mean to be the right person. You throw around a lot of platitudes and cliches and what your friends think about what makes a person "right" - you write in generalities but your specific choices show that you're not willing to do what it takes. The great news is that making healthy choices is completely within your control - the downside is it might mean you are on your own for awhile but it will be worth the wait. No guarantees but what you're doing right now isn't working at all.

 

Very well said Bat, almost what I was going to say word for word.

 

It’s not coming from a place of judgement, I understand the mindset, many on here get angry when they are told they’re commitmentphobic because feel they want to be in a relationship. The subconscious is a crazy thing though Alex.

 

You actively work against your best interest. Do I think it’s purposeful, no. You know how I often say broken seeks broken? 9 times out of 10 broken is only attracted to broken, I’ve said this before, when I was younger if the relationship didn’t have drama and as you so often say dramatic fighting with and ‘for’ each other it wasn’t worth pursuing. It wasn’t until I got into therapy that I realized just how backwards my thinking truly was. I simply couldn’t see it.

[Batya33]

Many years ago my sister and best friend had gotten engaged within a month of each other and my high school sweetheart ended our relationship. I was feeling desperate, I admit it. I bought a bridal magazine to look at maid of honor dresses (for the two upcoming weddings!) and a man sat next to me on the train home and started chatting me up, looking at my magazine. I overshared about how the magazine was because of my upcoming maid of honor duties and that I was single. I guess I wanted him to know I was single but he wasn't my "type" at all. About ten minutes later he casually put his arm around my shoulder. I moved away quickly but it clicked for me -obviously he was inappropriate but just as obviously I was letting off these desperate, vulnerable vibes that probably made him think I was an easy mark for some easy sex. I was 19 years old and it scared me when he did that (much bigger than me and older). But I realized later how being that desperate could get me into trouble. I didn't learn that lesson forever -I put myself in potentially harmful situations a few times after that and likely because I was needy and not thinking clearly. Your "consequences" are not as clear/concrete to you I get it. But it's a potentially dangerous game you're playing with yourself.