Getting in my own head

[Alex39]

I agree. Someone who loves you wouldn't say those things. He hurt me, deeply. I don't think I could ever be with him again. How could I trust him after he hurt me so badly.

 

He isn't a bad guy, but he has issues, and those issues did not make for a healthy environment for me.

 

I have to move past this. I cling to things. Its comfortable and I put everything I have into it. But I need to move past this.

 

I truly think the more time that goes by, slowly but surely I will heal and I will go back to my old strong self. Even in this week, every day I see myself falling back to single me, where my goals are most important, and I keep thinking about what makes ME happy more and more.

 

He hurt me. Its okay to keep that hurt close for a while. To remind yourself of his actions. But eventually I will be able to let him totally go.

 

My old counselor told me to do that with my ex. Keep the hurt close, be mad, be emotional. It will remind you that he hurt you, and eventually you will realize you are moved on and you can let it all go.

[Alex39]

If he called, I would not beg. I didn't do anything wrong. I would like to talk about it. Let him explain how he is feeling and I explain how I am feeling. I do want to better understand him and how this all happened.

 

But I will be strong. I will try not to cry. Will not apologize. I will tell him he broke my heart and hurt me and that I cannot have such negativity in my life, as all I have ever done was love him and try to make him happy. And if moving was his happiness, then I would have moved with him if we stayed together longer, because I love him. But how he made it very clear, if he could leave, he would, without me. Dumping me. Like I mean nothing. A temporary pit stop. Thats unacceptable.

 

I will tell him I don't deserve that behavior. I deserve someone who loves me enough to stick by me and we plan and decide our future together and move together. But it seems he is thinking of himself and his needs, whereas. I think of him and me.

 

I will tell him that I do not want to be in a relationship with an expiration date.

 

I have to stand up for myself.

[mustlovedogs]

Don’t tell him anything!!! Gah. You are so clearly in denial!!

[boltnrun]

If he called, I would not beg. I didn't do anything wrong. I would like to talk about it. Let him explain how he is feeling and I explain how I am feeling. I do want to better understand him and how this all happened.

 

But I will be strong. I will try not to cry. Will not apologize. I will tell him he broke my heart and hurt me and that I cannot have such negativity in my life, as all I have ever done was love him and try to make him happy. And if moving was his happiness, then I would have moved with him if we stayed together longer, because I love him. But how he made it very clear, if he could leave, he would, without me. Dumping me. Like I mean nothing. A temporary pit stop. Thats unacceptable.

 

I will tell him I don't deserve that behavior. I deserve someone who loves me enough to stick by me and we plan and decide our future together and move together. But it seems he is thinking of himself and his needs, whereas. I think of him and me.

 

I will tell him that I do not want to be in a relationship with an expiration date.

 

I have to stand up for myself.

 

Do you want to give him a chance to "explain" or "apologize" so you two can get back together?

 

Didn't he do that before (after the Thanksgiving incident)? And he goes right back to the same behaviors?

 

So, why give him another chance?

 

And "Well, I just want him to know how much he hurt me!" is pointless. If he cared about your feelings he wouldn't continue to hurt you. Pointing it out isn't going to make him "change", not if he doesn't want to.

[Batya33]

"because he was drunk, which created most of his behavior"

 

No, he created his behavior. He chose to get drunk and chose the consequences.

 

Please do not tell yourself you are "too sweet and understanding". That is not the issue. You are too insecure and too needy of a "boyfriend". That's not sweet, it is self-absorbed. You're not too understanding - you're too much of a doormat and you settle for scraps just to have a "boyfriend". Very different and the only way you'll be motivated to change is if you stop the silly notions that you are just "tooooo sweet and understanding" for this cold cruel world.

 

I would also stop with the "but I love him" - right now the feelings are not important -your actions and reactions are what are important. Telling yourself stories about this big LOVE will just add to the drama and the fantasy. You knew him for 5 months. You were exclusive for less than that time. And in that time, all these red flags.

 

If he truly wants to make this work he knows how to reach you and he knows what he has to do (as opposed to "say").

[Alex39]

Now I'm almost feeling anger. I'm mad. I did not deserve to be treated that way

I deserved so much more. He should have calmed me down about the moving thing and we could have talking more realistically with each other about our relationship.

 

I have been sweet, loving, and thoughtful to him. Never mean or hateful. Never trying to hurt him. Always there to support him.

 

He didn't treat me awful always. But this time is unacceptable. I deserve so much more. I deserve to be with someone who doesn't make me wonder if they are selfish or are going to take off one day. Reassurance is huge. I think reassurance from both partners is a good combination of actions and words.

 

Not ignoring someone when you have an uncomfortable conversation

I deserve more than this. I reached out. I was willing to talk it over. Considered taking him back.

 

I could and cannot forget this. How I'm feeling, depressed and upset. He caused this.

 

I'm done. As of now, I'm pushing myself to let go. I'm looking around right now. My job is good and makes me so happy. My friends make me happy. My family makes me happy. My apartment makes me happy. I'm trying to get healthy, but overall I am happy. I can't let him ruin all I've worked so hard for.

[katrina1980]

"because he was drunk, which created most of his behavior"

 

No, he created his behavior. He chose to get drunk and chose the consequences.

 

Please do not tell yourself you are "too sweet and understanding". That is not the issue. You are too insecure and too needy of a "boyfriend". That's not sweet, it is self-absorbed. You're not too understanding - you're too much of a doormat and you settle for scraps just to have a "boyfriend". Very different and the only way you'll be motivated to change is if you stop the silly notions that you are just "tooooo sweet and understanding" for this cold cruel world.

 

I would also stop with the "but I love him" - right now the feelings are not important -your actions and reactions are what are important. Telling yourself stories about this big LOVE will just add to the drama and the fantasy. You knew him for 5 months. You were exclusive for less than that time. And in that time, all these red flags.

 

 

OMG Bat is so spot on^^, not sure there is much more to say!!!

 

She nailed it!

[katrina1980]

>>He should have calmed me down about the moving thing and we could have talking more realistically with each other about our relationship.

 

Wha???

 

Why should he have calmed you down? He was DONE number one. Which I still don't believe you've allowed to sink in yet.

 

Number two, you should have calmed yourself down. That's your job. And then wished him well and walked!

 

That said, anger is the more appropriate response here, but you need to feel anger at yourself too, for tolerating his bs for as long as you did.

 

You don't score points with men by being so "sweet, understanding, loving and giving," especially when they pull the type of crap this idiot did.

 

Like Bat said, you placed yourself in doormat position which gave him license (in his sick mind) to continue jerking you around, which again YOU allowed.

 

Bottom line, he lost respect for you, assuming he had respect for you in the first place, which is debatable, since you don't respect yourself or didn't behave like a woman who did while dating him.

 

So imo, if there is anger to be felt, feel it towards yourself for allowing this, and take a vow to NEVER allow it again.

[boltnrun]

He's testing you to see if you will accept his abuse. He will expect you to apologize, then come back for more.

 

If you do, it will be open season. He will conclude you like being cursed at. You will be giving him a license to treat you worse.

 

I wrote this to you on 11/25. Looks like it came true.

 

Stop with the "he shoulds". That will get you nowhere. Except if he does come back like last time with some lame excuse you think you can get back together.

 

You said last time you wouldn't tolerate being treated poorly. Well, you did, didn't you?

 

What is it you want? Really?

[calichick007]

 

No pets, okay. Moving, okay. Gold ring, I can wear that. My accent, I'll work on it. Its worth it for him.

 

This level of desperation is alarmingly unhealthy.

[Wiseman2]

Why don't you get a change of scene and visit your parents for a while? Take some time off. Perhaps that would ease your pain and interrupt the obsessive circular short circuit you're in.

Now I'm almost feeling anger. I'm mad. My family makes me happy.

[Alex39]

I can't really take off for long because of my job. But my mother has come to spend the weekend with me, so I am not alone.

 

I know me. I say I'm fine, but later tonight I'll be in hysterics being alone. It'll be good having her here for a while.

[Alex39]

I'm not going to reach out to him, but I still am trying to process and wrap my head around him not wanting to talk to me anymore. Like why?

 

I just wish I knew. Part of me wonders if he got insulted that I questioned and accused him of leaving me or just seeing me while he lived here. He got frustrated that I didn't trust him. I do, did trust him, but the way he was talking just seemed like he was going back himself no matter what.

 

And then he admitted it.

 

I just don't understand why he won't talk to me. I truly thought he loved me. Why hurt me and ignore me?

 

When we first started dating, he left a few things at my house, to prove to me that he wouldn't just up and leave me. I still have the items.

 

He's alone. I feel alone. Why would he want to sit alone day in and day out, when he could easily be with me, the person who loves him, and loves spending time with him. I don't think asking for quality time together is too much to ask.

 

I know this will take time to get over. I am so so depressed. Why won't he talk to me? Want to fix things?

 

I want to send him so many thing "I thought you loved me?"

 

"What happened to us?"

 

"Why won't you talk to me?"

 

"I thought you cared for me and you said you were so happy with me"

 

I won't. I know pestering him isn't the right way, but I just wish I could understand why. I don't deserve this. I gave my heart. Its crushed. I'm broken. I wish I could turn back time. Maybe that conversation didn't have to happen. He runs away from any difficult or emotional conversations. I could never change that. He immediately got off the phone when things got tough. Made excuses that he had to go. He did it often.

 

We need to talk about things now and he's avoiding me for over a week. I truly can't understand this. Grow up, call me, to either try to be with me again, or break up with me like a real man. Ignoring me forever is more hurtful and cruel.

 

If he wanted me back he can come to my house to talk. Explain hinself. We can try and fix problems. Make more steady plans for the future.

 

I wait every day for a call, text, visit. Every day is disappointing.

[katrina1980]

What makes you think he's alone?

 

Apparently you are not reading any of our posts, I posted earlier I highly doubt he's alone.

 

You were a fantasy he got bored with and now he's on to a new fantasy with a different woman.

 

Since you didn't read my earlier post, that's how it is with guys like him, who make lots of promises, then suddenly disappear with no warning.

 

One day you're in, the next day your OUT. Poof just like that.

 

You are NOT the first woman this has happened to and you definitely will not be the last.

 

Ghosting is very common, it sucks but it's REALITY.

 

Pick up a book or get on the Internet and read about how often it happens, or just read all the threads and posts on this forum that discuss this -- I am shocked how unaware you are, it truly boggles the mind.

 

I mean you are not a teenager anymore, you are a grown woman, you should be more aware of this stuff!

 

And know how to protect yourself against men like him, the signs were there from the get go!!

 

I do hope you feel better soon and PLEASE look into getting yourself some therapy!

 

Edit: I am sorry this was harsh but it's really difficult having sympathy for you anymore, since you refuse to do anything to help yourself.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like he didn't want to be called out on that you both knew he would be moving back and it was just for now. At some level you both knew that was the case.

Iwonders if he got insulted that I questioned and accused him of leaving me or just seeing me while he lived here.

[boltnrun]

I'm not going to reach out to him, but I still am trying to process and wrap my head around him not wanting to talk to me anymore. Like why?

 

I just wish I knew. Part of me wonders if he got insulted that I questioned and accused him of leaving me or just seeing me while he lived here. He got frustrated that I didn't trust him. I do, did trust him, but the way he was talking just seemed like he was going back himself no matter what.

 

And then he admitted it.

 

I just don't understand why he won't talk to me. I truly thought he loved me. Why hurt me and ignore me?

 

When we first started dating, he left a few things at my house, to prove to me that he wouldn't just up and leave me. I still have the items.

 

He's alone. I feel alone. Why would he want to sit alone day in and day out, when he could easily be with me, the person who loves him, and loves spending time with him. I don't think asking for quality time together is too much to ask.

 

I know this will take time to get over. I am so so depressed. Why won't he talk to me? Want to fix things?

 

I want to send him so many thing "I thought you loved me?"

 

"What happened to us?"

 

"Why won't you talk to me?"

 

"I thought you cared for me and you said you were so happy with me"

 

I won't. I know pestering him isn't the right way, but I just wish I could understand why. I don't deserve this. I gave my heart. Its crushed. I'm broken. I wish I could turn back time. Maybe that conversation didn't have to happen. He runs away from any difficult or emotional conversations. I could never change that. He immediately got off the phone when things got tough. Made excuses that he had to go. He did it often.

 

We need to talk about things now and he's avoiding me for over a week. I truly can't understand this. Grow up, call me, to either try to be with me again, or break up with me like a real man. Ignoring me forever is more hurtful and cruel.

 

If he wanted me back he can come to my house to talk. Explain hinself. We can try and fix problems. Make more steady plans for the future.

 

I wait every day for a call, text, visit. Every day is disappointing.

 

After everything he's done, you STILL want him back???

 

I stand by what I said...you want "Boyfriend", not him. And you're mourning the loss of who you thought was finally going to fill that role, not the actual person. Because if it was truly him, you wouldn't want him anymore, not the way he treats you. Who would want all of that misery back?

[katrina1980]

It sounds like he didn't want to be called out on that you both knew he would be moving back and it was just for now. At some level you both knew that was the case.

 

That incident was just one little blip, and OP did nothing wrong by probing further, anyone would after being told that. That is not why he's not calling her.

 

And it was not just "for now." He talked about moving permanently and not taking her with him, ending the relationship.

 

There was soooooo much wrong with this "relationship" 45 pages worth, the guy wanted OUT, after five months, he was done, the fantasy died, period end of.

[katrina1980]

 

Who would want all of that misery back?

 

An addicted person would. In this case love addiction which is very very real.

 

The person KNOWS their partner, in this case ex (drug) is bad, hurtful, causes them pain, but they need their fix!

 

All they can think about is how good that fix felt, it's a temporary high, a reprieve from the pain.

 

Then crash, just like in this case. More than once in five short months.

 

To me it's very obvious she's addicted, and to amk you might want to pick up a book/article and read about that too.

[Batya33]

An addicted person would. In this case love addiction which is very very real.

 

The person KNOWS their partner, in this case ex (drug) is bad, hurtful, causes them pain, but they need their fix!

 

A temporary high, a reprieve from the pain.

 

To me it's very obvious she's addicted, and to amk you might want to pick up a book/article and read about that too.

 

To me it's not obvious and I don't want the OP to find a label which will let her make excuses. Seems pretty typical and basic to me. The lady doth protest too much ala Shakespeare -she shouts from the rooftops how much she wants a spouse, how she "gives her whole heart" (violins in background) and she refuses to walk the walk. Many people do this in various facets of their lives. Sure some might have an addiction but I think the abuse and addiction labels and "toxic" are thrown around much too easily/freely and often it gives people like the OP the "ohhhh I can't help it I have an addiction" excuse.

[boltnrun]

She's said before that "everyone" except her has a boyfriend or husband. And that she really hates being the "only one" who doesn't.

 

I think that's why she gets overly attached, gets "very excited" (per the opening post of this very long thread, not even about this same guy!) and why she's so upset it didn't work out even though it's only been a few months and this guy was showing sketchy behavior months ago. She MUST "love" the guy to justify wanting to cling to him even though he's kind of lousy. Same with "work guy". He showed her for nearly a year that he wasn't interested in dating her, but she convinced herself he was the one she wanted. Probably because at the time she had no other prospects.

 

Alex, please try to really examine what it is you allegedly "love" about this guy. Nope, not the sugary words or how he treated you "like a princess", but the actual meat and bones of his character and person that you love. The real stuff, not the fantasy fairy tale stuff.

 

Although, I suspect that combined with the "I finally found a husband!!", it's precisely the fantasy stuff you love...not real life.

[katrina1980]

Not ruling your theory and bolt's out and ok I was wrong to say it was obvious.

 

I am only mentioning it as a possibility so she can become aware and take steps to overcome it.

 

If she is unaware, she can't take steps to help herself, conquer it and prevent it from happening again -- I mean it's been going on for years, different face, SAME story.

 

NOT as an excuse to continuing wallowing in self pity and playing the victim.

 

Same with the abuse card.

 

JMO you and bolt could be right too.

[Batya33]

Not ruling your theory and bolt's out and ok I was wrong to say it was obvious.

 

I am only mentioning it as a possibility so she can become aware and take steps to overcome it.

 

If she is unaware, she can't take steps to help herself, conquer it and prevent it from happening again.

 

NOT as an excuse to continuing wallowing in self pity and playing the victim.

 

Same with the abuse card.

 

JMO you and bolt could be right too.

 

I would leave that to a professional diagnosis. I think the OP would be inclined to spin it as an excuse.

[katrina1980]

I would leave that to a professional diagnosis. I think the OP would be inclined to spin it as an excuse.

 

Agree but sadly she refuses to seek help from a professional.

[katrina1980]

Another reason why I thought/think it might be an addiction of sorts is how she talks about him and what she misses about him, what she is literally obsessing about.

 

His big strong arms wrapped around her, how he made her feel with all his flowery words, his touch, the high she felt by all that.

 

It sounds like she literally craves that again (her fix) not like what you said, the "meat and bones" which were not ever there to begin with! And of course all the times he hurt her and made her unhappy, crying, like now.

 

None of that matters, she just needs his big strong arms around her, soothing her, comforting her, making all her pain go away. Again, her fix.

 

Anyway, again jmo who knows. I don't think even she does, sadly.

[katrina1980]

Alex, here's a question for you, I hope you answer, and please be honest.

 

If this turkey came back wanting to get back together but told you he never wants to get married, would you go back?

 

Serious question, please be honest.