Getting in my own head

[Wiseman2]

What if he reaches out? How long has it been since contact? Why don't you just give him space since you pushed and pushed him into a breakup?

Maybe he wasn't the one for me. Maybe he is. As it looks right niw he is avoiding me.

[katrina1980]

Wiseman, are you blaming amk for HIS controlling, conflicting, toxic and at times verbally abusive behavior?

 

It kind of sounds of it.

 

Her mistake was tolerating it, accepting it and believing in fairy tales.

 

Have you read all her threads, have you read what happened over Thanksgiving, his verbal abuse towards her?

 

I have the utmost respect for you but don't understand your response accusing her of pushing and pushing.

 

I am totally confused by that.

 

I DO agree she should give him space -- like forever!!!

[Honeycomb8]

Maybe he's not the one for you, maybe he is? Suggesting if he comes around to play you some more you'll just take him back...?

 

You really shouldn't be dating. As I said months ago, go get some therapy. And stop believing everything you're being told. Words have no weight unless

actions fully correspond to them.

 

 

=_=...

[Alex39]

What if he reaches out? How long has it been since contact? Why don't you just give him space since you pushed and pushed him into a breakup?

 

I caused the breakup by asking questions if he would leave me and move back home?

 

The argument was last Wednesday. He texted me Thursday morning "good morning"

 

I didn't respond. He never called or sent anything else. I finally called on Sunday. He did not answer so I left a message. It is now Monday and I have gotten nothing from him.

[figureitout23]

I caused the breakup by asking questions if he would leave me and move back home?

 

The argument was last Wednesday. He texted me Thursday morning "good morning"

 

I didn't respond. He never called or sent anything else. I finally called on Sunday. He did not answer so I left a message. It is now Monday and I have gotten nothing from him.

 

Now see.

 

I seriously dont see how this is a breakup.

 

To me he is sulking.

 

Its the same line of thinking all ghosters use, well I havent ended anything so he/she is still an option when I want them to be.

 

Its cruel, its mean, its ESPECIALLY hurtful within a relationship, the reason why I think this is just what he does, hes already done it.

 

Youre not going to leave. Im not saying that to be condescending or mean, I'm saying it because its been a proven fact with you, so I'm going to give you advice on how to wait all this out:

 

Keep busy. Get angry. Surround yourself with loved ones.

 

Hey who knows maybe by the time he does come back around you wont want him.

 

Be kind to yourself.

[figureitout23]

I want to be safe and just add its also a form of abuse.

 

Silence can and is used strategically by some, its kinda like 'oh you wont leave me alone about this? Ok see how you like me being silent for a week.'

[katrina1980]

I want to be safe and just add its also a form of abuse.

 

Silence can and is used strategically by some, its kinda like 'oh you wont leave me alone about this? Ok see how you like me being silent for a week.'

 

I agree with this. It can be used as a sort of punishment, which imo is what he is using it for now.

 

You ignored him for 3 days -- I will punish you by ignoring you back for three days or longer. Teach you a lesson so you NEVER ignore me again!

 

It's become a pattern with him, it's very obvious. It's how he controls you, keeps you off balance and jumping like a puppy.

 

And fio is right, it is a form of abuse, a very insidious form of abuse and also very manipulative and controlling.

 

But this is the man you choose amk, because you like his deep voice and the way his big strong shoulders feel around your body.

 

Whatever, again best of luck.

[katrina1980]

amk, I've read some of your previous threads on a different forum from a few years back, your last LTR was abusive as well. Extremely abusive from what I can recall.

 

One would assume you learned something from that relationship, but it appears you've fallen back into the same cycle and pattern.

 

I do hope you seek professional help someday, to break away from this unhealthy and very dangerous pattern of attracting, responding and relating to these types of men.

 

I don't understand it myself and cannot relate but do wish you the best on your journey to peace, happiness and genuine love, not this bullshyt you've been experiencing for the past 3+ years with various men.

[Wiseman2]

Do you think because you initiated playing the "I didn't respond" head games and passive-aggressive approaches, that he is doing the same thing? Looks like he leveled the field and evened the score for your game playing. Don't dish out what you can't take including all the breakup talk you initiated.

He texted me Thursday morning "good morning". I didn't respond.

I finally called on Sunday. He did not answer so I left a message. It is now Monday and I have gotten nothing from him.

[Wiseman2]

Lol. It's head games started by her. When he does exactly what she does it's "abuse". lmao! She initiated this "abuse" (actually head games) by ignoring him first and he simply leveled the playing field.

You ignored him for 3 days -- I will punish you by ignoring you back for three days or longer.

[figureitout23]

Lol. It's head games started by her. When he does exactly what she does it's "abuse". lmao! She initiated this "abuse" (actually head games) by ignoring him first and he simply leveled the playing field.

 

Wow wiseman, I totally missed the amount of time she ignored him...

 

Kinda makes me positive this is throwing a fit and you’re right she does it too... wow...

 

It’s abusive no matter who does it. It’s cruel and it’s a means of control.

 

The fact that she did it longer and is now upset he’s doing it is actually boggling my mind. It explains the ignoring of our advice though... we’re just a coping mechanism, this mutually unhealthy relationship ain’t over. Mark my words. At this point it’s kinda stating to be insulting... she did it first... wow...

[Alex39]

I tried to call and reach out many times the night of the argument snd he was ignoring me. I was extremely hurt by his words that he would leave me.

 

I feel guilty for bringing up the conversation at all. Maybe I did mess up. I don't know how to fix it.

 

He texted me the next day saying good morning like nothing had happened, after I waited all night for him crying. I was hurt and upset. What he said was upsetting. I figured I would give it some time. Figuring what guy who claims to love a girl would not try and call her. But days went by with no call. I grew heartbroken. I finally gave in and called but he ignored me

 

And has ever since. I want to fix this, but I felt if I kept contacting him, I was chasing him.

 

So I did all this? I messed everything up and now my relationship is essentially over. We could have spent tons of time together this weekend, but rather I soent it alone crying.

 

What guy who truly loves his girl would ignore her and not want to call her and see her?

 

Maybe I ed up. I knew I should have answered his good morning text. But I was hurt and friends in my life told me not to. Too let hin try and call ne and talk about things.

 

I messed up. I'm devastated and I wish he would just talk to me.

 

Should I try and talk to him again?

[Wiseman2]

Since many of your posts are rhetorical and in a pose a question/answer it yourself format, why don't you journal about this breakup and dating in : Forum: Journals ?

[boltnrun]

Alex, I think you just want a boyfriend. And soon a husband. Not necessarily HIM, just "a boyfriend". Because, you know, all your friends and family members have boyfriends and husbands and you don't want to be the only one without one.

 

That's why you're panicking. You thought you finally had one and now he's slipping away. You convinced yourself you "love" him, but it's way too soon and too sudden.

 

Please get out of the mindset of "gotta get a boyfriend and keep him!" no matter what. He needs to be the right boyfriend.

[Alex39]

I was asking about if what you say is true about me starting all of this.hiw do I fix it?

 

Do I reach out again? Wait for him to come to me?

[Wiseman2]

These repeated type of "affirmations" are what is tripping you up. They are basically myths your friends and supermarket magazines tell you. You need to slow down and think for yourself instead of living in collections of trite "shoulds".

What guy who truly loves his girl would ignore her and not want to call her and see her?

[Batya33]

These repeated type of "affirmations" are what is tripping you up. They are basically myths your friends and supermarket magazines tell you. You need to slow down and think for yourself instead of living in collections of trite "shoulds".

 

Yes, exactly - stop the negative tapes in your head, the ridiculous cliches. Gosh if I listened to all the trite cliches on my mom facebook groups from the articles they post from no-namers who delight in labeling and categorizing and putting "shoulds" in my head (yes, it's the same with dating and relationships I'm sure -the same cliches, etc) I'd drive myself insane. Instead I try to stay strong in my core, calm and balanced as much as possible so that when all this information comes at me I'm strong enough to select what makes sense and is consistent with my values and self esteem and trash the rest. That is what you need to do -and I agree you just want a boyfriend because "all" your friends have one and "all" your friends find LOVE and are the "girl" that their person adores at all times even the way they pick their nails and blow their nose.

 

Fix this by continuing to move along, and fix yourself. This short term relationship lasted too long IMO.

[figureitout23]

I’m not sure why you’re askinf us if you should reach out since you literally do what ever no matter what we say.

 

I can’t speak for other but what I’m saying is this is a mutually destructive relationship and the damage that does to an individual in the long term is devastating.

 

You want to stay though so enough black and whites, enough rainbows and lollipops and he should do this and shouldn’t do that I guess just accept the reality of all this. You’re in an unhealthy relationship by choice. You aren’t the only you won’t be the last, the whole agonizing over it is a bit confusing to me but it still is what it is.

[katrina1980]

Lol. It's head games started by her. When he does exactly what she does it's "abuse". lmao! She initiated this "abuse" (actually head games) by ignoring him first and he simply leveled the playing field.

 

You know I thought about this last night (I am WAY too invested in this thread) and while yes you are right Wise, it was very wrong for her to ignore him for three days, she only did so after he announced he would be moving away, not taking her and in fact would be breaking up wth her.

 

Which is extremely hurtful, probably sent her spinning so she needed a few days to process.

 

Frankly, I'm wondering why she called him at all, amk why did you after what he had just told you??? SMH

 

I sure would not have, but then again, I would have been gone a long time ago no matter how intoxicating the chemistry!

 

Or if I did, it would have been to end it, before he moved away and dumped me.

 

But yeah he's definitely mirroring her actions now -- this sad excuse for a relationship is so done I really have no more words.

 

OP has been through this before, she has a history of abusive relationship, I am very sorry but at this point I have zero sympathy.

 

This is still considered early stages, five months which has been packed with drama and toxic behavior almost from the beginning.

 

OP, this will not get better! !!!

 

It needs to be DONE and it boggles the mind why you're still there and it's not.

 

Many of us have been blaming him, but Wiseman is right, you play a big role in this too.

 

It's how you relate to each other -- it's extremely toxic, unhealthy, and potentially dangerous.

 

I mean no disrespect, but it's sick, sorry, please seek professional help or this sick pattern of yours will keep repeating.

[Alex39]

I didn't know what to do. My mind was spinning after his comments. That someone who loved you would say they would leave you.

 

I was hurt. I cried all night thinking it was over and then he texted me good morning like nothing was wrong. I had no idea how to react. My parents encouraged me to say nothing because they felt his comments about leaving were extremely cruel.

 

My father thinks it was only a test to see if he was still talking to me after what he said. But maybe it wasn't. Part of me wishes I responded and maybe we could have talked and resolved things.

 

I thought he would call, so I took a step back as to not chase him. He didn't call. The longer it went on, the worse then I felt and I thought I looked. That I was clearly avoiding him. So I called.

 

Feelings don't just go away. I'm depressed beyond belief. I don't deserve this.

 

I feel like I don't come on here saying the great things or times, but he was a good guy to me most of the time. He got me to fall in love with me. He treated me well most of the time. We went on good dates, we had good conversations, and he tried to impress me and make me happy. He spolied me.

 

At this point, I am not expecting a phone call ever again. I'm distraught, but I have to try and move on. If its meant to be, it will be, and it won't be so hard.

[Batya33]

He didn't get you to fall in love -you chose to spend time with him and chose to get attached. Feelings don't go away. Feelings are feelings. Do you remember me writing to you several times that you don't control feelings, you control your actions and reactions to those feelings?

 

I'm glad you had some good dates and good conversations. What is positive about trying to impress you and spoiling you? Why should he try to impress you and why should he spoil you? What's healthy about that on any regular basis? Sure once in awhile but those are the positive traits you highlight? That and your notion that he "got you" to fall in love with him? Are you talking about a real life human interaction or some "the bachelor" description of falling in love with all the drama on a tv show?

 

Of course we know you highlighted the negatives - it wasn't all bad. And that's not the standard.

[katrina1980]

 

My father thinks it was only a test to see if he was still talking to me after what he said.

 

I'm sorry, this can't be real.

 

I shudder to think what he advised after the Thanksgiving incident.

 

Since he's your father, I will refrain from posting further thoughts on that.

[figureitout23]

I didn't know what to do. My mind was spinning after his comments. That someone who loved you would say they would leave you.

 

I was hurt. I cried all night thinking it was over and then he texted me good morning like nothing was wrong. I had no idea how to react. My parents encouraged me to say nothing because they felt his comments about leaving were extremely cruel.

 

My father thinks it was only a test to see if he was still talking to me after what he said. But maybe it wasn't. Part of me wishes I responded and maybe we could have talked and resolved things.

 

I thought he would call, so I took a step back as to not chase him. He didn't call. The longer it went on, the worse then I felt and I thought I looked. That I was clearly avoiding him. So I called.

 

Feelings don't just go away. I'm depressed beyond belief. I don't deserve this.

 

I feel like I don't come on here saying the great things or times, but he was a good guy to me most of the time. He got me to fall in love with me. He treated me well most of the time. We went on good dates, we had good conversations, and he tried to impress me and make me happy. He spolied me.

 

At this point, I am not expecting a phone call ever again. I'm distraught, but I have to try and move on. If its meant to be, it will be, and it won't be so hard.

 

Honestly, its normal to feel hurt and upset, its normal to need space.

 

I apologize if I misunderstood the time between talking, if it was just a day, its bad, but not as extreme as three days.

 

Real relationships dont involves proving ones self, its not about checking off should have and would haves. Real relationships build on a foundation of solid communication.

 

Yes, you both 'failed' on that front, but that doesnt mean this is your 'fault' its no ones fault Alex. This is simply how these types of relationships play out, hard and fast means quick to fizzle. Slow and steady really does win the race, Im learning that the older I get.

 

Im so sorry youre hurting, please dont take blame, to me, there truly isnt any to take.

[Wiseman2]

When was that? (unfortunately your writing is chronically in many tenses at once switching back and forth between past tense, future tense, present tense as well as conditional tense vs real events but not differentiating which is which). Did it go to VM or did you speak to him?

I thought he would call. He didn't call. So I called.

[Alex39]

Honestly, its normal to feel hurt and upset, its normal to need space.

 

I apologize if I misunderstood the time between talking, if it was just a day, its bad, but not as extreme as three days.

 

Real relationships dont involves proving ones self, its not about checking off should have and would haves. Real relationships build on a foundation of solid communication.

 

Yes, you both 'failed' on that front, but that doesnt mean this is your 'fault' its no ones fault Alex. This is simply how these types of relationships play out, hard and fast means quick to fizzle. Slow and steady really does win the race, Im learning that the older I get.

 

Im so sorry youre hurting, please dont take blame, to me, there truly isnt any to take.

 

The days thing seems to maybe be confusing.

 

The argument was Wednesday night of last week. I left him text messages and a call after he told me he would leave me and go back home and he never responded to me at the end of the night. I cried all night. Thursday morning, the next morning, he sent me good morning. I did not respond. I was hurt and almost insulted that good morning was all he could send. I assumed he would follow up. He always has in the past with more texting, snapchatting, or a call. He did not. I waited days. I finally called him on Sunday. No answer. I know he got it. I gave him some time to think. Maybe he needed it too. I sent him a final text message Tuesday. One which was nice, saying how I needed some time to think, because I was so hurt over out last conversation. But how I think we should be talking and communicating to work through issues as a team and not shutting each other out. I put that my intention was never for us to be ignoring each other and I hoped we could talk soon to better understand each other.

 

I thought the message was nice, to the point, and mature. I never got anything from him. It is now Wednesday. This is what leads me to think I will never hear from him again.

 

I mean he told his whole family about me. They had a nickname for me. Its insane to me that he would do that and then leave me high and dry.

 

And if you really didn't want to see me anymore, call me and say something. It would have hurt, but at least then I would have known.

 

I'm almost positive he had days off this weekend too. He was just home by himself. What guy who loves the girl would not want to see them? Clearly he didn't.