Please HELP me recover from a controversy

[Xixi67]

I feel so guilty when I'm even writing about it... I'm married, it's been two years and to me my husband has been always the best man ever, who would do everything for me. Recently, I had to move to abroad for higher studies, he also had the plan but stayed because of work. I never had a good relationship experience b4 and my childhood was an absolute trash, literally grew up with physical & sexual abuse.But my husband was good to me. However, after coming here, we don't get much phone talks, and when I ask him to at least say something romantic what couples would do he'd get angry all the time and say " what can I do? What would make you happy? " I understand his mental sufferings and work pressure but idk he is always irritated and even if I try to say cuddly things, he just ignores it and sometimes shout😅 now I found that I've feelings for one of my classmates, who is quite a bit nice to me but idk if he is into me. However, i want to get rid of this feeling, I told my husband that I don't feel quite good i need some romantic talks at least to survive... He doesn't listen idk probably i just can't tell him straight that i'm having these issues. Please give me some advice so that I can focus more on work and stop having feelings for this friend, in no way i mean even if my husband ignores me i don't wanna cheat😅 

It's just it became a bit tough for me as it feels like to be a teenager and I can't stop thinking about this frnd and again can't stop feeling guilty, I've tried to stop thinking abt him tried to change things and here is a fear also that he might understand anytime that I'm literally tripping. Please give me some genuine advice on how I can solve these things, and is it normal? I wanna cry so much sometimes i feel i shouldn't exist with this kind of stupidity in me🙂               ps: we are both 27 years old and we got married after dating for two years and our relationship before coming to abroad was very much intense and caring, we both had jobs but enjoyed our time most of the time. It was a huge romantic and caring relationship and he always let me do what i want. I had an abortion last year.

The friend I'm talking about he's also same age as us.

[DarkCh0c0]

So, give us some more context to be able to help you. How old are you two? What was the relationship like before you travelled? How come you got married so quickly? 

How far abroad are you and has he previously raised any issues regarding the move or long distance marriage?

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Xixi67 said:

, I had to move to abroad for higher studies,. However, after coming here, we don't get much phone talks,  I found that I've feelings for one of my classmates, who is quite a bit nice to me but idk if he is into me. 

Sorry this is happening. LDRs are difficult, lonely and frustrating. Especially for your husband who you left behind. 

Cheating is not the answer. Please rethink what you are doing. Looking for quick fixes could jeopardize your marriage. Perhaps you can get it annulled if you want to "feel like a teenager" and play around?

[Xixi67]

I added the contexts

[DarkCh0c0]

55 minutes ago, Xixi67 said:

I had an abortion last year.

And how did that go? Were you both on the same page regarding the abortion decision? 

How long will you stay abroad?

[Xixi67]

6 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

how did that go? Were you both on the same page regarding the abortion decision? 

How long will you stay abroad?

Actually, he wanted me to abort; i was quite a bit unhappy and scared of having anymore attempts. For him, he didn't care abt the fact of not having baby rather  concerned more about me.

I'll stay abroad for at least 2 years. 

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, Xixi67 said:

Actually, he wanted me to abort; i was quite a bit unhappy and scared of having anymore attempts. For him, he didn't care abt the fact of not having baby rather  concerned more about me.

I'll stay abroad for at least 2 years. 

Please consider setting yourselves free. You're not happy and you seem to want to be single. 

[DarkCh0c0]

1 hour ago, Xixi67 said:

he didn't care abt the fact of not having baby rather  concerned more about me

Concerned about you in what aspect? 

Did you feel forced to abort the baby? Did the shift in his attitude start after that? Or just when you left the country? 

And, again, what did he think of your life abroad? 

Something is not adding up to me, because he doesn't seem to be as loving as you think he is.

[Batya33]

You choose whether to cheat.  So choose not to.  Choose not to act on your feelings. I'm sorry you're struggling and it sounds really hard that you aborted despite not  wanting to.  My parents were long distance for 4 years while my father was in med school.  It was hard.  They made it through as they really loved each other and were committed to each other -they were then married for 62 years till my dad passed away -and he had a mental illness. 

If you love your husband and are committed to him then choose to get some therapy for yourself and choose whether to continue long distance or whether there's some flexibility there- can he visit more often? If you are realizing you would prefer to be free of him then do that -and then after that you can date but avoid making a train wreck out of this situation by cheating.

I'm sorry and I hope you feel better.

[Xixi67]

5 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Did the shift in his attitude start after that? Or just when you left the country

His attitude shift started after two weeks of my abroad arrival and he was concerned of my health, even tho the abortion was his request but took very good care of me when i had to pass that stage

the fact about he being loving is I think he never cheated on me and took very good care of me just like how a parent would do idk how to describe it, he was always considerate about my health issues, never forcing anything on me, we sustained 6 months LRDs before twice, this time i think it's my fault but can't ignore his ignorance 

[Xixi67]

12 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

can he visit more often? If you are realizing you would prefer to be free of him then do that -and then after that you can date but avoid making a train wreck out of this situation by cheating.

He can't because of our budget issues ☹️ it's once in every year we can. Btw thank you for sharing ur parent's story and this advice ☹️i'll do my best

[Batya33]

13 minutes ago, Xixi67 said:

He can't because of our budget issues ☹️ it's once in every year we can. Btw thank you for sharing ur parent's story and this advice ☹️i'll do my best

It's not about doing "your best" -it's simply doing or not doing.  Choose not to cheat.  That's not like doing your best in your studies. You simply- exercise self control and you do not play with fire or cheat.

 

[Wiseman2]

48 minutes ago, Xixi67 said:

the fact about he being loving is I think he never cheated on me and took very good care of me just like how a parent would do idk how to describe it, he was always considerate about my health issues, 

Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a licensed qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Especially to sort out your family and childhood issues. Your husband seems supportive and caring but can't fix all your issues especially wanting to cheat. 

Therapy could help you replace bad decisions with more productive healthy thoughts and actions that won't harm you, your husband or this guy you're cheating with. 

[catfeeder]

What program are you studying and why 'must' is be in another country?

Are there no avenues to study locally or remotely?

 

[Xixi67]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a licensed qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Especially to sort out your family and childhood issues. Your husband seems supportive and caring but can't fix all your issues especially wanting to cheat. 

Therapy could help you replace bad decisions with more productive healthy thoughts and actions that won't harm you, your husband or this guy you're cheating with. 

Thank you for consistent follow up and suggestions, I think i should actually have a check up soon. Btw i haven't cheated, it's just my thoughts and weird feelings, i'm still exercising fine self control, but even doing this is interfering with my work and study and trying to fix the issues with my husband. Hopefully i can!

[Xixi67]

6 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

What program are you studying and why 'must' is be in another country?

Are there no avenues to study locally or remotely?

 

It's a research program, following up before i take any doctoral course.

[Xixi67]

47 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

1 hour ago, Xixi67 said:

He can't because of our budget issues ☹️ it's once in every year we can. Btw thank you for sharing ur parent's story and this advice ☹️i'll do my best

It's not about doing "your best" -it's simply doing or not doing.  Choose not to cheat.  That's not like doing your best in your studies. You simply- exercise self control and you do not play with fire or cheat.

 

Yeah, i want to keep controlling myself, just wanted to know how can i divert my mind from doing so. Ik once i managed myself it'll be over and everything will be normal, but right now it's seriously tough for me, and i'm seeking aid for that☹️

[Batya33]

25 minutes ago, Xixi67 said:

Yeah, i want to keep controlling myself, just wanted to know how can i divert my mind from doing so. Ik once i managed myself it'll be over and everything will be normal, but right now it's seriously tough for me, and i'm seeking aid for that☹️

Well no that's not the point.  Doing the right thing is often tough.  You know that -you study- you study even when you are tired/unmotivated/would rather do --- whatever. It's hard but you're committed to studying so you study.  Distractions help people do hard stuff for sure but you can't blame your "mind" if you cheat.  You have 100% control over cheating.  Whether you do it through distraction, self control, duct tape over your hands and mouth whatever. Your mind will play tricks on you. Mine does when I'm unmotivated - whether it's exercise, healthy eating, not telling off someone cause it would be a really bad idea, staying calm when my son pushes my buttons (he is 15), you are the person who chooses to tell your thoughts - ok thoughts -you can exist -you do exist -ok feelings -you exist but I choose not to react by doing the wrong/unhealthy/unproductive thing.

I would - do more cardio exercise -it's distracting and gets out negative energy -so build in at least 20 minutes a day to do cardio exercise -walking/dancing/running whatever it takes where you get your heart going likely break a sweat -I recommend if you can walking in a park with earbuds in when it's light out and safe and listening to music or a podcast or if not then a treadmill, etc.

I would self-talk - tell yourself the major negative consequences if you give into temptation to cheat and how much better it will be to date after you are divorced -if that's the path you take.

Your husband sounds like a doting puppy or parent -I'm not getting from you that you're into him in the way a wife should be though. And you might have some real issues or trauma from the abortion he insisted you have.  I'm sorry! 

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, Xixi67 said:

It's a research program, following up before i take any doctoral course.

Are there no avenues to study locally or remotely?

[Kwothe28]

What you are feeling is standard for cheaters. See, cheaters have a variety of excuses why they cheat. For example "My husbund is good but he doesnt talk sweet stuff to me so I turned to coworker who does talk sweet stuff to me". To be fair to you, you still didnt cheat and you at least are trying not to have that kind of thoughts. But you still lack accountability. Its not your husbands fault that you want to cheat with your classmate. Its yours. Once you consider yourself accountable and accept that its on you that you want to cheat, maybe you also push that kind of thoughts away. 

Also, there is no magical staff that would make your problems go away. You clearly have marriage issues and you want to cheat because of them. So either try to fix those problems with your husband, or divorce and then pursue whoever else you want including your classmate.

[Andrina]

Well, it's no wonder you're finding this time in your lives to be tough. It doesn't sound like a good plan to me to only be able to see your spouse once in an entire year, and then go again another whole year before being able to see each other. Who would not have issues under these circumstances?

I used to be a Navy wife and we never went more than 4 months apart, but there was a lot of emotional ups and downs during that time. With my present job, now in my 2nd marriage, I had to leave for training for 4 weeks and of course my husband and I were lonely for one another, and he got quite grumpy after a few weeks, getting tired of eating dinner alone and he remarked, "By God, what if one of us dies?" (in respect to how miserable life would be without one another)

So, anyway, you two made this life decision together. There are choices now to make if you feel like this is a watershed moment. You can realize this is a mistake to be apart for so long so you can change the plan whereas one of you moves to be together. Or you can take on work or more work to be able to visit each other more often.

If you feel he is lovely in person but lacks the "I miss you" words while apart, then accept this is how he is and look forward to being together again where you will receive the romance in person. 

You're mature enough in your educational life, so decide you'll also show maturity in your marriage. It's easy to fall into an emotional affair when you're feeling an emotional disconnection in your marriage. Men at your university whom you would date if you were single are now the very people you need to keep a distance from. Veer toward establishing friendships with females and men you'd never date even if you were single. (If you and your husband are on the same page about having opposite sex friends.)

Or, if you feel like you've outgrown your relationship, are too immature to be faithful when you two are temporarily leading separate lives, or if you feel like a ton of bricks will be lifted off your chest if you two break up, and you're not feeling a happy about the thought of growing old together, then do yourselves both favors and break up. That doesn't mean you'll emotionally be ready to date for a good year, anyway, so you'll still be alone with your studies and whatever else you're doing to lead a fulfilling life.

Being mature means delayed gratification. That's how you arranged things, isn't it? That you're putting in the work now which will pay off later for the both of you? Think about if that's all still worth it, or if changes need to be made. It's okay to go to plan B if plan A is no longer working.

[DarkCh0c0]

12 hours ago, Andrina said:

if you feel like you've outgrown your relationship, are too immature to be faithful when you two are temporarily leading separate lives, or if you feel like a ton of bricks will be lifted off your chest if you two break up, and you're not feeling a happy about the thought of growing old together, then do yourselves both favors and break up. That doesn't mean you'll emotionally be ready to date for a good year, anyway, so you'll still be alone with your studies and whatever else you're doing to lead a fulfilling life.

That's great advice.

OP, if you are tempted to cheat, then you have some needs that are not being met. However, you need to resist the temptation of this quick fix (the cheating) and figure out what you want to do with your marriage. 

Reflect on it, and see what's been missing. As you mentioned you came from an abusive home, I can't help but think your bar is low for what is a great husband (one that just doesn't subject you to stuff your parents did to you). And you might not be aware of what actually makes you romantically happy and fulfilled. It's either that, or you're self-sabotaging a good marriage, but a husband that forces you to abort a child isn't often a good sign. 

Either way, please reflect on this and pause on this cheating until you sort your marriage out. I know it's easier said than done, but that's adult life.

[Xixi67]

12 hours ago, Andrina said:

Well, it's no wonder you're finding this time in your lives to be tough. It doesn't sound like a good plan to me to only be able to see your spouse once in an entire year, and then go again another whole year before being able to see each other. Who would not have issues under these circumstances?

I used to be a Navy wife and we never went more than 4 months apart, but there was a lot of emotional ups and downs during that time. With my present job, now in my 2nd marriage, I had to leave for training for 4 weeks and of course my husband and I were lonely for one another, and he got quite grumpy after a few weeks, getting tired of eating dinner alone and he remarked, "By God, what if one of us dies?" (in respect to how miserable life would be without one another)

So, anyway, you two made this life decision together. There are choices now to make if you feel like this is a watershed moment. You can realize this is a mistake to be apart for so long so you can change the plan whereas one of you moves to be together. Or you can take on work or more work to be able to visit each other more often.

If you feel he is lovely in person but lacks the "I miss you" words while apart, then accept this is how he is and look forward to being together again where you will receive the romance in person. 

You're mature enough in your educational life, so decide you'll also show maturity in your marriage. It's easy to fall into an emotional affair when you're feeling an emotional disconnection in your marriage. Men at your university whom you would date if you were single are now the very people you need to keep a distance from. Veer toward establishing friendships with females and men you'd never date even if you were single. (If you and your husband are on the same page about having opposite sex friends.)

Or, if you feel like you've outgrown your relationship, are too immature to be faithful when you two are temporarily leading separate lives, or if you feel like a ton of bricks will be lifted off your chest if you two break up, and you're not feeling a happy about the thought of growing old together, then do yourselves both favors and break up. That doesn't mean you'll emotionally be ready to date for a good year, anyway, so you'll still be alone with your studies and whatever else you're doing to lead a fulfilling life.

Being mature means delayed gratification. That's how you arranged things, isn't it? That you're putting in the work now which will pay off later for the both of you? Think about if that's all still worth it, or if changes need to be made. It's okay to go to plan B if plan A is no longer working.

Thanks a ton for explaining with such nice words and your own story, i really do realize that it's a big mistake, actually i didn't want to pursue the degree abroad but its him who insisted, so I need to give it a bit more thought. Also we never had issues with having opposite sex friends, he also has some female friends. However, thanks again i think i understand it clearly now.

[Xixi67]

18 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

That's great advice.

OP, if you are tempted to cheat, then you have some needs that are not being met. However, you need to resist the temptation of this quick fix (the cheating) and figure out what you want to do with your marriage. 

Reflect on it, and see what's been missing. As you mentioned you came from an abusive home, I can't help but think your bar is low for what is a great husband (one that just doesn't subject you to stuff your parents did to you). And you might not be aware of what actually makes you romantically happy and fulfilled. It's either that, or you're self-sabotaging a good marriage, but a husband that forces you to abort a child isn't often a good sign. 

Either way, please reflect on this and pause on this cheating until you sort your marriage out. I know it's easier said than done, but that's adult life.

I get it, talking about the problem here I think I have the courage to talk it out with my husband but before that I gotta try myself a bit more.  About my thinking on a great husband i think yes i really don't have enough idea to how people should act when they love. I have a hard time trusting and understanding people, mostly everything feels fake.

I'll take ur suggestions! Thank you!

[Xixi67]

13 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Are there no avenues to study locally or remotely?

For the specific topic it was not possible in my home country, also can't pursue research online☹️