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Beec

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Everything posted by Beec

  1. Beec
    BTR, if he throws your for a loop, that's fine, but do not let him know. Put on your poker face.
  2. Beec
    Do you know how to ride a bicycle? How did you learn? You go on one, and you probably fell over, a number of times, then youo learned to pedal, and you fell over some more, then soon, you were riding a bike. Do you know how to ice skate? If you learned to ice skate, you did it the same way. You tried and fell and tried and fell and tried, and sooner or later you learned. And if you are a risky bike rider or ice skater, if you push your skills, you still fall. The more you push and harder you push, the more you fall. If you want to learn to meet women and get dates, then you need to learn just as you learned to ride a bike or skate. Now, go risk falling. However, if you want to have less risk, script the first few things you would say. And then do it.
  3. Beec
    The best thing you can do is be independent, and try not to sho her that it is getting to you. Do whatever you need to do that. And the couch, thumbs up. Things should not jsut remain as they have been. She made decisions, there are consequences. Good for you.
  4. Beec
    Get right back there, NOW, and tell her you wanted to call her but you lsot the number. Explain that the Gods must have beena gaisnt you. Do it a bit tongue in cheek, but not enough to seem insincere.
  5. Beec
    Use these words in order, and while doing it, pay attention to her body langauge. If her responses and body langauge are good, continue to the next line. If not, STOP. 1. I have fun talking with you; or you're fun to be around. 2. Maybe we should have talk some more, since we enjoy it. 3. Just ask, but ask her for coffee or a drink or something.
  6. Beec
    Maintain the NC. When the realtionship gets screwed up, the only way it is ever goignt to work is if you both back up and retrace many steps, essentially begin again, and take your time getting back into it. With you being in the emotional state you are, you cannot take your time. So, NC it should be, until you really get control over your emotions and can see him and not let him play on them. In order for tht to work, you need some time living without the emotional support he gave you, you need time on your own and to relearn that that is OK.
  7. Beec
    I would also tell you that unlike Batya33, I would and did go out with women who had little chance of getting me in a relationship. But, I also know that plenty of women basically lied to me to get me to out with them, when I did the online thing. I met plenty of women who were a few dress sizes larger than I was led to believe. Now, sometimes, I purposefully dated women I knew had litlte chance of a relationship with me. Why? Practice, to get experience, just the thing you lack, Luke. And it was better to get practice with women who had no shot at the longterm, because I was not screwing up with someone who might. At the same time, you could only see someone a few times, or you begin to owe her an official break up. Batya33, if you want to convince me or Luke otherwise, I think you need to convince us why we owe more, not just assume we would.
  8. Beec
    Now, however, I disagree with Batya33. Not the first time. And I think the disagreement is about what we think a date is owed, as far as intentions. Batya33 seems to think that if you ask her out that the chance of something serious with her needs to be a consideration. I don't. I don't think I owe a date anything mroe than to demonstrate common courtesy and deceny on the date and to try to let us both enjoy ourselves. If we do, great. I do not owe her the chance to have a another date. If I enjoy myself and her company, she might. But I don't think it is preordained that I owe her that. And if one date is all I want before hand, I think that date is all I have signed up for, and that she should not be able to reasonably expect more from me.
  9. Beec
    Well, I don't and won't accept that a guy can only use a woman to get sex. That may be the most common thought, but it's not that limited. I know, I've used woman for other things. Some years ago, I wanted to go to a concert on Long Island. Since I live in NYC, I need transportation. I could have taken a train and have do so to the venue, but it is nicer to drive. I had a woman, one of a few I had been seeing at the time, who had a car. So, I asked her and she drove. But I also knew that it was probably the last time I was going to see her. In this case, I used her but didn't really feel bad. It was not set in stone as a last date, and I had only been out with her a couple times and did not think I had yet arisen to a level of a committment that required me to break up officially. I also know she enjoyed the concert, a lot. But, in a sense, she was used for something other than sex.
  10. Beec
    In response to stuff like this, you can even tell her that you just don't have much to say. If we need to take care fo something, let's talk, Otherwise, things are as they are, it is what it is, and there's not much reason to talk about it. It's a good vague and possibly aloof response.
  11. Beec
    Well, I thinka virgin can be a player, but being both means you are playing in a different way than others would normally think. It's quite possible for a woman to encourage a guy to take her out, get him to do so, gethim to pay for great dates, and then tell him she is not ready. And then when push comes to shove, he never had a chance to be either in a serious realtionship or a sexual one with her, because she never saw him that way, and was only using him to take her places. In such a scenario, if it happened, she would be playing him. Luke, I applaud you wanting to learn in a sense, but I think there can be more productive ways.
  12. Beec
    No, it doesn't justify anything. But, didn't he say: Why cannot you not accept such simple words? He has apologized for how he acted, but you are still throwing that up? WHY? Accept the apology. Maybe you discuss his actions to avoid similar ones in the future, but what he did should now be in the past.
  13. Beec
    You're welcome. I like your attitude in regard to the old flame. Take your time, heal, and if she really is all that when you feel healed, don't hesitate with her.
  14. Beec
    I don't think I can answer this question. I cannot look at me through the eyes of a woman. If you took my brain right now and put it in a woman's body, I think I'd be a lesbian, because I am attracted to women. But, it's simply not something I can answer. However, probably not, I think we'd be too alike.
  15. Beec
    Wait a second. He did not justify his actions at all. He said there was no exucse for them, so don't say he is doing so. Maybe he did, but he is not doing so in that email. His comments about knowing your place, etc. need to be discussed some. Calmly. He knows he hurt you, but he did apologize. You should not tolerate such comments, but you should accept an apology. And he needs not to be told what love is, but to be shown. Find a compromise, if you can. Accepting an apology is a start. Letting him know you are trying to do so, will also be one. Don't fight with him over those comments anymore. Discussing them is fine. If he repeats them, then fight harder than ever before. A third car garage, might be worth it, playroom for kids is worth mroe than the one with a pool table.
  16. Beec
    That's the best thing you could have said. I know it hurts, but you seem to be getting into a stage that invovles more anger, less denial, less wondering why it happened, and for what it's worth, that is progress. More importantly, you should be done with letting any one use you. That should be over forever.
  17. Beec
    That's not a bad suggestion, but I would talk to realtors, not designers. If you want to know what sells for more, ask the sales people esp. when they also set the asking prices. We are going to be remodeling something we bought. And one of the things we noticed was that the real high end stuff did not get paid for at resale. We looked at a house with two $20,000 ovens, and lots of other fantastic stuff. It was on a tour of homes solely so people could see its butlers pantry. It cost significantly more to build than the neighboring houses, and was much larger. It was just over 5,000 sq.ft. and the neighbors had over 3,800, but the 3,800 feet were awkward with no dining room. The lots were the same size, and the neighbor probably has the better lot. It sold for more than the neighbors, but only 123% of that neighboring house. The big house's sale showed that it was clearly not worth the extras put into the house.
  18. Beec
    OK, not sure if he has a point or not in his argument, he may. I've known women to ignore the warning signs and keep pushing a man's buttons, sometimes only because she can (Mom did and does this). If you angered him knowing that the warnign signs were up and could have discussed it at another time, then you need to accept that, and you shoud even apologize perhaps. Or you can tell him, I knew what I was doing, but we needed to get it out. But the thought that he takes supremacy over you because he makes more money is the issue. It's not so much that he said it, which is awful, but how do you get him from thinking it? As far as his oney argument, I think that maybe you should tell him that it's not always faith in him, it's that sometimes you think you need to put your money into other things, like maybe think far down the road towards retirement.
  19. Beec
    Nice. His call seems to be in rather poor taste, if he does have a gf. But your reaction to it, that's was good. That's like hitting him with a big punch and knocking him out.
  20. Beec
    If you do what SuperDave suggests, I would bet one of two things happen, perhaps, both. And the order might be different. She will either do soemthing to convince you to stay and not divorce, or will accept it. If one comes and them the latter, the latter is real. I used something similar once. I was nice and romantic one night, then the next night, we went to dinner and after dinner I said: we need to talk. I raised my issues and left her to think about them. The next moring, she called and told me she loved me and wanted us to work. Less than two weeks later, she picked a fight with me and then lied about things during it. The fight ended with me picking up my briefcase and saying "have a nice life," as I left. She felt one thing, then it changed. Look for the later reaction.
  21. Beec
    AMEN. Well put SuperDave. If you can don't let it get to you. If she gets you down, act like she did not. Soon, she won't get to you.
  22. Beec
    Jeff777, I have not walked in your shoes, but I've felt someone betray my trust, and vice versa, and I know how hard it is to get that back. Sometimes, it never comes back and cannot come back. Sometimes the damage done is too much, too deep, too, too . . . . I think with your wife, that your major question will be can you ever trust her and what she will need to do to show you that she can be trusted. To some extent, you will have some intereaction with her, but you will need to limit it to how much you can trust her. And she probably is going to need to get on the striaght nad narrow and stay there for quite a while in order for you to begin to trust her. I may want to reform, but the flesh is weak, and only after finding the strength the stick to it for a while, should you believe it's for real. Still, then, it will be tough for you to ever accept her as a wife, and Id oubt you will be. I think your path as a couple has ended and you are right in the your paths are diverging. However, I think you should still hope for and work for the best for her, which will really help your kids, and have no doubt you will. Good luck. And take your time with getting things going with the old flame, but at the same time, it might be wise to indicate some interest. If you want an idea how to do that, ask.
  23. Beec
    Well, his comment is wrong. It just is. If it is going to both both of your homes, then you need to make sure you both can call it "our" home. I have some of issues with space, etc., but nothing like what he said. In my case, we fight over space, since I moved into her place, I've had to struggle to get room in it. However, she's never said she wouldn't. I think in many cases, yes, the big bread winner should be differed to, if they are going to be paying the majority of the costs from their earnings. But, if you get no say, he should be getting a figth from you. As far as the sticky note saying "I'm sorry." To some extent, I don't see huge issues with it. The man apologized, and it should be accepted as such. It can be criticized as a poor apology, but still it is one. One the other hand, you should be either sitting him down and having a chat about yours, his and ours, and how a home needs to be ours. And that is it is not, then it is not a home, and it's not a place you will want to live. Or suggest some outside intervention. I don't see him as being inherently evil, just self-centered in some of his thinking. That needs to change. He needs to learn what love is, and he might need to be shown, as described in my signature.
  24. Beec
    I think the answer is yes, to all of the above, but it requires a number of things, and most of us are simply not capable of these things. If you were to accept your wife back, as you seem to have done a few times, then, in order to have a real marriage, you would need to learn to trust her again. That would not be easy, but it you could never trust her, then you would enver really ever have a marriage. And if you did not trust her, then you really are not accepting you back. Now, before I could ever accept anyone back like this, I think I'd need to see some remorse and forgiveness sought. But she would also need to accept that I was basically going to be untrusting and checking on things and that she would need to be giving me a lot of deference, until I knew I could trust her. After all you have been through and with the duration for which it lasted, I don't really give your marriage much chance of ever being reconciled, but I've beenw rong about many things before. As far as the return of this old flame, time will tell, but it seems there may be hope. Get settled and give it some time before you make any serious moves. And welcome to enotalone. Stick around.
  25. Beec
    I think marriage is about committment and love as is described in my signature. It's not about trials with compatibility. If you are not committed to a marriage, it does not matter how long you've been together. If you don't love, if you don't do what is in your partner's best interests, then you don't have much of a marriage.
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