LonelyGirl

No way. I am currently in a relationship where we both were unfaithful with each other. I learned from my lesson but he didn't feel sorry. He even attempted to say he did it because of me (because I came out and admitted what I did before I knew he did anything). He justified what he did and I don't believe he ever came out and really said sorry. In fact he denied it to the minute when I found out the truth. He tells me that if I don't trust him then that's MY issue not his. Nice, huh? Plus, his lies have not stopped there. He continues to lie (about where he goes and what he does when he's not with me). I also think he may be cheating on me again. I have been honest with myself and admitted that I'll probably never trust him ever again. Do you know how agonizing the feeling is? Plus, I'm currently going through the pain of thinking he is seeing someone else. I've learned that he won't tell me even if I have proof. I chose to stay with him and move on but unfortunately that is easier said than done. I found myself searching through the classifieds today for apartments. It's a painful experience so if you're not up for it I'd get out NOW. Not everyone who cheats is always going to cheat. We all make mistakes but it's whether or not we learn from them that makes a difference. Good luck with your relationship. I hope it is salvageable.

Hi everyone...I'm at my wits end. I live with my boyfriend and we've been together for almost 5 years. However, in the past few months he's been going to strip clubs very regularly. I am not happy about it but at first I figured "Okay, fine...he's a guy and I can't tell him not to.". However, he goes at least once a week now and lies about it. I have proof that he goes but regardless he still insists that I'm crazy and that he went somewhere else or got stuck at work. I find receipts in his pockets, tons of dollar bills in the console of his car, smoke smell on his clothes, alcohol on his breath. I can't take it anymore. Why is he lying to me and why does he need to go? I am more than willing to have sex and I'm very adventurous. But now apparently I'm not enough. We're not even 30 years old and this is where we're at??? We have sex 1-2 times a month if I'm lucky. He says he still wants sex but it rarely happens and I'm the one who has to say something. I want out. I love him but I hurt all the time now that he's not telling me the truth. He broke my trust once...Now he does it on a weekly basis. How do I get out? I can't afford to move out and I have nowhere to go. I'm an emotional wreck.

No, definitely don't go down that lonely road. If he doesn't love you or isn't sure then don't try and make him. It will probably end up being worse on you in the long run. Especially since you are the one who is in love. You'll be the one who gets hurt. Let go and wait for someone to return your feelings. I know it's hard especially since you've got feelings already but believe me...you'll be better off. Take it from someone who knows! Good luck and be strong.

Okay, I wasn't sure where to post this topic so excuse me if it doesn't quite fit in! I wanted to know if other people out there could commiserate with me on this. My bf visits strip clubs very frequently. I'd say anywhere from 4-5 times a month or so. Plus, he lies about it. He denies that he goes but yet I find out anyway. He drops tons of money on these places, too. I'm jealous and yes part of it is because I feel bad that he may get off on these strippers and I can't offer the same thing they do. But the other part of it is that he lies about it. I flat out caught him out but yet he still denied it. I find receipts (I do all the laundry and that's usually when I find all this stuff in his pant pockets) and he still denies it. I wasn't born yesterday but he still lies to me. One night I waited for him for dinner and he didn't call me until almost 5 hours after I had expected him. I called his cell phone but he didn't answer and then a little while later it was turned off (I immediately got his voicemail instead of ringing). He said his phone died...yeah right. Then he didn't call me until almost 1am and lied to me about where he was. First he said he got stuck working. Then when he got home and I smelled the smoke and alcohol on him he said he went to a bar for some beers. Turns out he was at a strip club and he lied about it. It makes me feel like crap inside. I don't want to feel this stressed about it but he goes almost every single week. I know I can't tell him he can't go but it's something I don't like him doing. Especially so frequently. I could understand him going once in a great while or for a bachelor party. But he goes on a regular basis. He has spent $300 in one night alone. Meanwhile I'm sitting at home alone and he's out throwing money away on strippers who don't even love him. It makes me so frustrated. What do I do?

Honestly, I think I would rather be single for the rest of my life and keep that awesome bestest friend. At least you know he/she will always be there. I think that bond is even tighter than what you might have with a lover. I envy people who are so close. I would die for a best friend like that and don't think I would trade it for the world. You know there's also a thing known as "friends with benefits"...just two people helping each other out! but that's just me

(LONG!!! Sorry!) I've had it. This is it. I don't care. I've posted my problems here before. My bf is not to be trusted. He cheated on me in the winter (around Thanksgiving) and then tried to blame me for it. He gets angry when I bring it up now and tells me I'm the one who needs to deal and that it's my fault I feel the way I do. I'm not perfect either but I know that I wouldn't say such things especially if I did something wrong. He was away recently for 4 nights. 2 of those nights were pretty much unaccounted for and some strange number came up both in the morning after he came back (and conveniently after I left for work) and that afternoon when he just so happened to leave for work before I got home. Yes, I admit I pried. But not without good reason. The last night he had spent out (the last of the 4) he refused to leave me a number or let me know what the name of the hotel he would be staying at was. Sure after the fact he was all informative. But who cares? I had no clue where he was and still don't even think he was where he said he was. He didn't answer my question. Instead of simply telling me that "yes i'll call you and let you know where I'm staying and how to reach me" he says "You're being suspicious". WHO CARES!? Even if I was there's no reason he couldn't just give me the info anyways? Most normal couples that live together probably are courteous enough to do so. Am I right? Or am I just totally crazy? Because that's really how I'm beginning to feel. We live together and I swear....If we didn't I then I definitely would have either broken up with him this past winter or at least started seeing other people. BUT since I do love him and we do live together I made that extra effort. I figured things could have been worse and sometimes people have to work at love. Well, dammit I'm working my ass off and my heart hurts. I know I'm not perfect and I'll be the first to admit this. I've made my share of mistakes and he knows it. However, I just wish I knew what the story was right now. He will never tell me the truth. I tell him all the time to let me know if he wants to see someone else or whatever. But he lied up till the truth was right in my red hot hands the last time and so that makes everything even more difficult. He's not capable of much emotion. We have sex once to two times a month if I'm lucky. He asks about what time I'll be going to work or coming home constantly. You'd think that after over 4 years of being together he'd know this by now? Or is he just planning things? I don't know. I want to be with him all the time (only God knows why...) and sometimes if I express this he's like "oh and we'll only have the rest of our lives together"...It's like "GEE THANKS". I thought loving couples wanted to be together. At first he got upset that I didn't think that way. He got upset when I didn't say "I love you" when he said it. Now I feel that all that was a sign. I should have backed away. Now I'm in too deep. He's made my heart hurt and I don't know what to do. We live together dammit. I wish I lived by myself so that maybe this whole process would be easier or maybe I wouldn't even be at this point. But the worst part about it is that I love him. It hurts so much when I think about breaking up. I get that sick, nervous feeling in my stomach. I can't eat, can't sleep, can't concentrate, can't do much of anything. It affects me at home, at work, out with friends/family, etc. I HATE IT! I've thought about killing myself but won't do it. I'm too weak. I've thought about just dating someone else behind his back but can't bring myself to do it. People tell me to leave. That's easier said than done.

Well, that's just it. WE LIVE TOGETHER. That was a smart move, huh? The only reason I really tried extra hard to make it work after he cheated on me was because I love him and we live together. Otherwise I would have ended it right then and there to avoid the feelings I'm experiencing now. Breaking up is easier said than done. Especially since I do love him and have been with him for over 4 years. It's hard to let go. I also don't want to dump him and find out I was wrong or making a mistake. It's horrible. I'm so torn.

Hey, is there anyone out there that has any info on hiring a private investigator to look into your bf/gf's activities? I'm beginning to think this is my last option before I go completely crazy. Has anyone ever hired one and is it expensive or is it even worth it? I'm desperate for answers and a couple of people I know have even said I should look into hiring one. HELP! ---[added by secret_agent_man from a later post by LonelyGirl]--- Listen, this is an ongoing dilemma. I've posted on here before with my story. I can't talk to him. He gets defensive and he has a bad habit of lying. He cheated on me once and lately I'm not sure what's up. When I ask him he doesn't answer me. He'll just accuse me of being paranoid or suspicious. But yet won't come out and answer the questions I ask. Recently he spent a whole weekend and then some OUT. Didn't call me to let me know when and if he was coming home or where he was staying. Made up some bullshit excuse as to why he couldn't get in touch with me. I'm sick of being walked all over. I want to know for good what's going on now. He'll never tell me. In fact when I found out what he'd done in the past he outright lied to my face and then attempted to blame it on ME. But I figured out his story and then it was upsetting to realize he was trying to blame something on me that wasn't even my fault! SO when you say "what about trust?" or "have you tried talking to him?". The answer is yes. I did trust him but he broke the trust we had. When I try talking to him it always ends up in a fight. No matter what I do or say. So this is why I want to know for certain and am looking for info on private investigators. So that's what I'm in need of now. Thanks. ----------

Alright...My two cents is that you just need to be yourself. Ultimately your true self will come out in time no matter how you act in the beginning. You want her to like you for YOU and not something that you're really not. Right? It's in my personality to be talkative and outgoing as well. To try and squash that would be too difficult. It never works for me! Just be you and you'll find that person who appreciates the way you are.

I agree with Ineedhim...When I get my monthly visit from the devil I get more emotional and more easily upset about the slightest little thing. it makes a lot of women insane. Heh..thus it makes men insane as well! However, ultimately you'll just have to talk to her. Don't be accusatory either. Tell her how you feel and go from there. Be honest and open as well as openminded! Good luck and keep us all posted.

I don't know if it's a sure thing but it sure is EXPENSIVE!!! i looked up the Anxiety part and it cost $985.00 DAMN!

Well, for one it sounds like you two are in it for two different reasons. It seems she wants to have a good time but you're head over heels for her. Maybe you should cool your heels and think about dating someone else who wants more of a relationship. I mean you might want to try asking her out again but if all she wants is action that might not be a good thing. I mean if you do anything just because you feel that's what she wants it still won't work. Unless she ends up falling for you after all but that's a risk you might not be willing to take. Especially since you're already growing attached...having a physical relationship might only cause you more grief in the end. You may just have to come out and ask her what it is she wants exactly. Make sure you two are clear with each other. Perfectly clear. You know? Good luck.

I agree that this is probably nothing. I myself have a habit (although not as often) of touching a person's arm when speaking with them. It's usually just a friendly thing! Girls tend to be more physical in this way remember. We hug more, hold hands more, and touch more! If it's not causing any harm or progressing any further than just touching an arm or back during friendly conversation then I don't think you've got much to worry about. Some people out there are way more touchy-feely than others and I know some people react uncomfortably to it. It happens. I think you two are just fine.

Actually I've asked him about it and he says he knows we don't do it enough. I asked him what should I do or what could we do about it and he says he didn't know. He says I'll just have to wait for action. Because actions speak louder than words. However, there's always an excuse like "oh when I get my new job things will change" or "After we move it'll be different"...This keeps happening...Nothing changes.

Ok, back for more help...I recently wrote about how my bf had dated another girl behind my back and all my insecurities regarding this. He says he loves me and we live together and all that. However, we don't have sex. We average maybe once a month and that's about it if I'm lucky. He has no problem with pleasuring himself but when it comes to me he makes no advances. When I've said I still want sex he says he still gets horny too. But yet we don't actually do it. How do I approach him on this subject and get anywhere? We're been together for over 4 years and we're 28 and 29 years old. We're not ancient but I feel (in terms of our physical relationship) that we're acting like we're 80! I want to have sex still but he never makes any moves. When I bring it up to him it's no big deal. Most guys I've known would be complaining about the lack of sex. What's the deal!? How do I handle this????

There are options for you! Have you considered anger management or therapy? Just talking to someone else and getting some advice could help you cope. Do you think it would help you feel less alone if you were to go to some sort of anger management group? Then you would meet other people who have similar issues and possibly even form a network of support and friends. The fact that your wife is willing to come back if you get help with your anger is a big plus. Take advantage of the fact that she is willing to come back to you if you can get a handle on your anger. There are other less fortunate people out there who won't get that second chance. You should seek help/support. At least make the effort and go from there. It's definitely worth the try if she means that much to you.

Unfortunately you will have to ask him. Hopefully he will be truthful and you'll be able to know he's telling the truth however he may respond. Believe me it's a toughie...I've asked my bf and still don't know if it's the whole truth. You'll need to do a lot of talking. Let him know exactly what you're feeling and why you're asking. Try not to let it evolve into an argument or fight. Also, try not to be accusatory or blame him for anything. That will just make him defensive.

You won't know until you ask. I mean I've been in similar situations and being female it's just as hard. We're not mind readers and it's best if you just ask. Talking to her is the best way. Unless you're telepathic!

Just go. I mean if you can manage to muster up a positive attitude for at least the first few minutes when you're meeting people then you'll be ahead of the game. Just because you're going to this 'pretty persons' party doesn't mean you're not good enough or even that you have to hook up with any of them. Just go and take it for what it's worth. If it's a drinking party then have a couple and be safe. Sometimes the warm buzz of a brew can help you be relaxed and possibly have a comfortable convo with someone. You're laying too much pressure on this 'party'...Remember it's JUST a party. You're supposed to have fun.

Hey, I read your post about you being raped at 4. That's horrible. I was raped at 15 and yes it did affect me sexually but I wasn't conscious of my problem at the time. I just avoided going out with anyone who might want to do anything heavy. It's also a point against a lot of women because we often think of our privates as 'dirty' or 'gross' and that discourages us from wanting someone to touch, look or even lick there! HORRIBLE! This is just something you've got to get over. The rape issue is even deeper. You've got to learn to not associate it with sex on the whole. Not all people are out there to hurt or violate you and you need to try to accept love and the fact that you can enjoy it too. Sometimes self-manipulation (ok...masturbation!) during sex can help a woman to achieve orgasm. Who says you can't touch yourself during sex! It helps! If he's not hitting the right spot then why don't you help out! But you'll have to get over your hangups first. That's the tough part. GOOD LUCK and keep up hope and happiness.

Okay, I already had a message on here a few days ago regarding my boyfriend who dated a close "friend" of mine a few months ago (and we'd been together almost 3 years. We recently fought (ok, yesterday!) about this. NOT a day goes by that I'm not reminded of it. It's not that I want to feel insecure or upset but it just happens. He says that it's my problem and that I get myself upset. However, if he had never went out with her in the first place I wouldn't be feeling this way! He says to me "Not everything revolves around you". No s**t! But how can I overcome this? Every once in a while I break down bad and we get into arguments. I live with him, and we split bills, etc. I don't know what to do. I love him but I'm constantly suspicious and I get upset about his past error in judgement and it drives me crazy. I'm even depressed about it but have no one to talk to. I tell him he's the only one I have to talk to but he only talks at his convenience. Yet, somehow I still turn out to be the selfish one! He goes out by himself and doesn't take me and expects me to be alright with this even after past events. I can't handle it too well. I must sound crazy but my feelings are haywire and it hurts. He says he loves me and that if wanted to he'd leave. Then he says that if I want to leave him then so be it. I kind of feel that if he actually wanted me to stay he'd be more inclined to say he didn't want me to leave. I don't know what to think anymore. I don't have many friends and the ones I do have I don't see too often so I can't vent through them and I spend my time alone if I'm not at work or with him. I know I shouldn't feel this way but some days are so hard to deal with my emotions that I think it would be better to just die. I won't kill myself but my heart aches so bad. It is very disruptive, too. I can't concentrate sometimes when I need to. I know I'm not the only person who feels this way or similarly but I certainly feel all alone.

Well, I probably would have been more inclined to leave him when I found out if it weren't for the fact that we lived and still live together. The girl he saw is definitely out of my picture. It was actually my bro's ex. So she's not in the picture anymore. At least not mine. But currently we live together. I'm not exactly financially stable enough to move out just yet either. I'm stuck between love and a hard place.

stroke her face (cheek preferably) and look at her and tell her how much you love and cherish her...she'll love it especially if it's so out of the blue. be a little more descriptive and maybe give a little explanation as to what you love and cherish about her...she'll love it. You should make her melt this way. Then maybe you'll be able to move on to the heavier stuff if you both are into it.

several months ago my boyfriend dated someone else behind my back a couple of times. I didn't know until someone else caught them and told me. supposedly they didn't have sex...although I can only take his word for that considering he lied about everything else. I love him but am still way too hurt and suspicious still. he gets upset with me but i can't help it. it's not like it was something that happened 20 years ago...this was months ago but still feels fresh unfortunately. another hard part to deal with is that it was someone that was close to me and that I knew prior to this ordeal and that I had suspicions about him being interested in way before he saw her. He says he loves me and that he'd leave if he wanted to. However, I can't help but think that he had to have known I would have found out eventually especially since I was close to her and knew her well. We've been together for a few years and I can't understand this. When I bring it up he usually gets angry and tells me it's my problem and I just have to learn to get over it. I love him but not a day goes by that I'm not reminded of this. I know no one's perfect....but what should I do??? When I'm 75 will I still be paranoid and suspicious of him? HELP! I hurt!