LonelyGirl

It is very frustrating for the other person (your ex) to have the upper hand and be the strong one so to speak. I'm in a similar situation and needless to say I'm the one who gives in...ALWAYS! I have to move out this weekend and I'm upset at him because he's out on a two day excursion with friends or something partying. Why do we need to be so jealous and emotional when the other person isn't? Why can't we just say goodbye and actually mean it!? I'm so frustrated and I totally understand your situation. I call him on his cell phone every so often but he NEVER calls me unless he needs a favor. It's also way too easy to let that feeling of comfort overwhelm you. It has already happened to me about a million times and we only broke up at the beginning of May. I do agree with you that the NC rule should be adhered to no matter what even if it's hard as hell. The longer you stay away the closer you get to being independent. I've done it before but I can tell ya...this stage SUCKS!

Well, I have to be out of my apartment by the end of the month and hopefully into my new apartment before June 1st! I know there are other people who have gone through this sort of thing and are going through it but it feels so lonely. I guess that's how it goes. I feel hurt, depressed, lonely, wasted, etc. I can't believe he just let me go that easily, too. I also know that he's got someone else and most likely had this person before our breakup. That crushes me. It is the worst pain to have on top of the heartache of a breakup. No wonder he didn't try to change my mind. I probably saved him the trouble of breaking things off for himself...if he would actually have the courage to do so. What did I do to deserve this? I gave my love and he took it for granted. I know it's for the best but I hurt so bad. I did the breaking up part but I still feel like I was the one who got dumped.

I know this is for the best and I have constant reminders as to why I am leaving. I guess I just expected him to be more remorseful and at least try to get me to stay. However, I guess it's better that he didn't because I don't know how that would have turned out. I'm leaving him and just can't wait to get into my apartment. The days are dragging and this month has felt like an eternity. The sooner I can get my butt out of here the better. My advice to anyone out there...If there are any sort of red flags that you see during your relationship then pay attention! I didn't and it took six years of my life. I'm going to be picky and I will pay much more attention the next time around. I'm thankful for this experience because I know what I don't want and ways to spot it before it's too late!

Well, I broke things off with my boyfriend of 6 years. We live together and all that fun stuff. I've posted here before so some of you may know my story. It was better than I thought at first (when I broke up with him) but now it's as if I set him free and he's out every night and treating me like absolute dirt. I feel like the bad guy for breaking up with him. He's treating me like I am such a bad person for doing so. The trust was gone from our relationship (at least for me) and I couldn't get past that. That was the big thing. A few years ago he cheated on me with someone close to me and I tried to work past it. However, it changed my outlook on our relationship and I never regained trust in him. All along he kept saying that if I didn't trust him that it was MY problem and there was nothing he could do. Gee, thanks! Then there's the strip club obsession. My ex spends lots of time in strip clubs even before we broke up. I expressed my feelings on this but he just responded by saying that every guy does it whether they're married or not and that he wasn't going to change. I felt disrespected. I told him that it hurt me and that I didn't like the fact that he went. He gives these women tons of money for something he could get for free at home and that hurts. If he were to tell me it hurt him if I did something I would do my best to change for him and show him I care. However, I guess I wasn't deserving of his respect. He would frequent these clubs on a weekly basis and I'm sure now that I broke things off it has increased. It's so damn hard toughing each day out until we move out. We have until June and then we're on each on our own. It started out friendly enough but now he gives me attitude and stuff. I guess he's starting to realize he has to do some hard work and get packed and moved and is taking it out on me. I told him that just because I broke up with him that it doesn't make me a bad person. What am I supposed to do ? Stay with him just because it's easier than packing and moving out and starting over? Well, anyways...I just don't know how to deal. I loved him. I still love him but know that this move was for the best. The hard part is dealing with him acting like he's free and treating me like dirt. I wish I had just left him a "Dear John" letter and been rid of him from the start. I guess his reaction and current behavior should only serve as reminders to why I broke things off.

Hi everyone...I've posted here before so I won't go into all the details. I just don't know what to do now. I live with my boyfriend and we've been together for several years. I love him but sometimes I guess that's not always enough. Basically the biggest problem is the lies. He lies to everyone he knows. Including me. I do not trust him and he knows it. Even the most trivial thing he will lie about...Even if he doesn't have to. It's almost as if it's just a natural reaction for him. I'm sure I've overreacted but I can't seem to help it anymore because I know he lies. I've become this jealous machine, too. I hate it. The second biggest problem that I know about is his strip club compulsion. I know he goes and spends outrageous amounts of cash. He lies and makes up excuses and thinks I don't know. I told him I know I can't stop him from going but I don't like it and feel disrespected. At first it wasn't as often...now it seems like he goes at least once a week...sometimes more. From what I've found a typical 'visit' costs him at least $100 and up. He also tries to hide receipts from me. There have been other questionable purchases but he always lies. It's driving me nuts. BUT what I am posting for is on how to leave. Like I mentioned before we live together and I do love him. But i know his behavior isn't going to stop and it could most likely get worse. I don't know how to come out and say "I'm leaving you". It makes me feel sick to my stomach and stressed when I think about how to even approach him. I'm scared to go through with it I guess. Some people tell me to pack up and leave without notice but I don't think I could do that. I don't hate him and that would be a nasty way to go. However, I don't know how to do it so that he won't be angry or retaliate somehow. I guess want to avoid a mess. Our lease is going to be up shortly and I haven't signed the new one yet. So not only am I at an unsure point but time is against me too. I don't know what to do. Is there anyone out there who dealt with a similar situation? I'm at a loss.

The proof is in the receipt I found for that night (from the place he went to). I have gotten upset with him before when he's gone out but those times were also suspicious. Like one time he went to the same place for a good 7 hours and he said he was by himself. It seemed weird to me! ALSO...In the past when confronted with proof and the truth he still tried to lie and deny. So what am I to do?! Sitting down and talking about it will only result in the same thing.

Never get involved with a married person or someone who is in a relationship. Why would you want to put yourself through that? Why would you want to inflict pain on others (i.e. their family, etc.)?

Listen...You don't want to hear this but...You're barely a teenager. You're young and your hormones and emotions are out of whack. They are in a place that they'll never be again in your life. You will get on with your life and it sounds like you might need to get over your boyfriend and find someone else. You are so young and the chances of you meeting more guys (and better guys) is GREAT. Let me tell ya! Don't waste your time. It's too precious to waste being stressed about a boy. Especially someone like that. Have fun and make sure you're happy. Stop worrying about him and take time out for yourself. When other people see you happy it really attracts others. Do yourself a favor and take care of you first. Don't worry about this guy.

I just have one thing to say...Why do people come out and say things to their significant others like that? IF it didn't really mean anything he should have kept it to himself! He probably should have kept it to a one dance minimum especially if he's "taken". OR there are some more serious issues here.

Okay, I'll try to make this as short as possible! My boyfriend and I have been together for several years. We've had our hardships and appeared to have gotten through them. However, he still lies about little and some big things. I have a very hard time with this. Trust is hard to come by and I just don't trust him. He lies about trivial things (for example he says he doesn't smoke but I find a pack every now and then in his pockets) but sometimes he lies about bigger things. Last week he lied to me about him going out. I know for a fact that he did (long story but I've got proof) and he took out a good amount of cash for the outing. I asked him and he said no and that I was crazy. I asked him if he was interested in someone else and he said no. I don't understand why he lied and said he didn't go out. I had my suspicions when he went to work that morning dressed up more than usual. But let it pass because I gave him the benefit of the doubt. But when I found out he went out he still denied it and that was that. Why would he go out and lie about it if he wasn't up to something? This makes me feel like I am really crazy! I can't stand not trusting him and I don't want to worry about where he is or what he's up to all the time. I never used to be like this but he doesn't give me any reason to trust him.

It seems to me you do have reason to be jealous. If my boyfriend came out and said that he'd like to have one night stands (for whatever reason) I'd be suspicious, too. USUALLY jealousy comes from somewhere. I know there are people out there who are that way by nature but for most of us we become jealous and insecure because of things our significant others do or say and/or how they are acting. The fact that he says you're insane is a flag. In my experience when responses like "you're insane" or "you're crazy" are used it usually means they're on the defensive and probably just trying to turn the tables on you. Putting the spotlight on you rather than on them. I've been through it. I've also noticed that if I've mentioned things in the past the reaction is amicable and reassuring only if they haven't done anything! So use your best judgement. You need to sit this boy down and have a good talk. Try not to be confrontational. That just makes them defensive from the getgo. Try a different approach from what you've been doing. Never let things boil up inside and explode. You need to be calm and collected! Good luck.

I'm in a bad relationship currently and want out. You just need to say goodbye. I know I shouldn't talk but if you don't live with him, you're not married and don't have kids...Get out before it's too late. You'll just get more and more attached and more hurt. I'm going through it all and have been going through it for years. My boyfriend sounds similar to yours. It hurts you and I know that! Him not wanting to talk about it is something he won't change. He won't change anyways. I've learned. A person won't change unless they want to and sometimes that doesn't even make it happen. Go out and leave this guy. I want to to do the same but have a few loose ends to tie up unfortunately. Remember a good relationship takes two. He doesn't seem to be thinking about your feelings and you're part of the relationship. If he can't see past his own shoes then he's never going to. Leave 'em. Good luck and keep us posted.

I'm just unhappy!

UNHAPPY UNHAPPY UNHAPPY UNHAPPY

Well, everyone was very helpful and I appreciated responses. However, I guess I should make some additions. First of all he's 30 but this behavior has been going on for the past couple of years. Different excuses are brought up from time to time. The last time we talked about it he said it was easier to masturbate and he didn't have to worry about me. I kind of took it in a bad way. He then came out and said that if I want something I need to suck his dick. Only he was very mean about it. I don't get any sort of real foreplay and he definitely doesn't come out and just lick me! I've started before and in that manner. So it almost seems like if this isn't something I do all the time then I won't get it. The way he said it doesn't exactly make me want to go ahead and just do it. You know? He was being a jerk when he said it. I mean we don't even really kiss (other than when we're leaving for work or coming home) because he doesn't like to do that unless it's during sex. That sucks for me and I mentioned it and he said that's just how it is. Is that fair? Why do I have to work around him all the time? I need some loving and I can't just always accept that I have to please him in order to get things going...The foreplay is lacking and when I tell him this he doesn't get it. I guess he thinks kissing is good enough. But yet I should suck his dick. Doesn't sound very into me, huh? Even though he denies that. I'm just at a loss. He goes to strip clubs regularly and says everyone else does even though I haven't heard the same when I've asked friends and co-workers. He also said that it's not going to stop...I know it's his right to go to a strip club...But it doesn't feel right and it makes me feel bad. What if I went out and had some guy dancing in front and all over me and was constantly throwing money away for it??? He says he wouldn't care. That's just to justify him doing it. The last time he went out he came back with something that looked like make-up or cover-up on his shirt. That made me upset. I asked him if he got lap dances...Of course he says no...and that it must have been a stripper who brushed by him. However, it wasn't in that sort of position. It made me feel bad. I love him but don't trust him because he obviously lies and I can't stand it. It's easier said than done to just pack up and leave. I'm not in the position currently.

A question for all you guys out there...My bf is 30. His sex drive apparently has dropped in the past couple of years. We have sex 1-2 times a month tops. He says he has more important things than sex and it's not all he wants. Doesn't sound like normal talk. It also sounds like an abnormal sex drive. He's not 80! He also says it's easier to jerk off than to worry about another person. GREAT! I want male advice and comments. PLEASE! He says he's attracted to me...BUT??????

i caught him outright tonight and he only made more excuses...he says he's going to keep lying because it beats telling the truth. I said then if he's going to keep lying them I'm going to leave. He was like "I don't care"....i'm so upset. I don't know what to do. I wanted to hit him...He made me so mad. Now he thinks that by making compliments to me that everything will be okay. I HATE THIS. I'm not a doormat. I have to accept this because he's not cheating????

I can't take it anymore. I have posted here a bunch of times. My boyfriend (we've been together for over 5 years) lies about everything. He frequently goes to strip clubs and denies it everytime. I have proof and he still says he doesn't go regularly. Actually, he's at one right now but when he gets home he'll deny it. AS USUAL. I went to the bar twice (tonight being the second time) and his car is there. Why does he lie??? He even lies about stupid little things. Like the other day he bought a new game for his computer. BUT for some strange reason he said he'd had it a while and it wasn't new...YET the receipt was right on top of the garbage and the date on the game said 2004. I don't get why he lied? All I was asking was a simple, innocent question. The fact that he lied made me wonder what the hell was up. But I think the fact that he goes to strip clubs regularly is something that isn't normal. I mean a bachelor party is one thing or a single guy going but my boyfriend has me. He says he loves me blah blah blah but still goes to these places and lies about it. Is this reason for breaking up? How can I get out? I feel like I'm at a dead end...I live with the jerk and can't afford to do ANYTHING right now. We have sex twice a month tops. I begged for it the other day and actually got it. But otherwise it would've only been once in the entire month. How the hell do I confront him at all if all he does is lie and deny the truth??? Today I called his place of work just to say hi and he wasn't there. They said he'd gone for the day. That was only halfway through his day! He didn't even work a full day...Instead he went out and to this damn club. It's late now and we were supposed to eat dinner together. I usually don't have Thurs nights off but tonight I did and he's out doing this. I'm so upset.

Yeah my boyfriend can't quite explain this either. I'm used to him having porn on his computer. He's constantly downloading it. We have watched videos together and I enjoy doing this because it turns both of us on and we end up having sex. However, my boyfriend does the same thing yours does. BUT we barely have sex twice a month. If we do then I'm shocked. I'll be asleep and the next day I find proof (don't ask) that he watched a porno when I was home. I don't get it but then again there are somethings women and men never get about each other. My boyfriend also frequents strip clubs on a regular basis. Now THIS upsets me to no end. At least with a porno he doesn't have a big breasted woman in his face. I feel porno is the safe alternative to most other things a guy could be doing. Right? It's funny...I've had a couple of friends with the similar problem and they're all really into sex and their guys are just like yours and mine. HOWEVER, I bet if we were the ones not wanting sex then they'd be complaining! You're damned if you do and damned if you don't.

It's funny...I have a boyfriend (of several years) but I have been attracted to both men and women in the past. I myself enjoy sex with men and only cuddling/kissing women. I really like kissing women but do not enjoy sex with them. I do not get aroused when I go down on a woman. I'm not sure what other people think but I know that I'm not gay. At most I've been considered bi-sexual due to my experiences but I definitely prefer sex with men! When I fantasize it's about men and when I see myself in the future it's always with a man. But I do have attractions to women and always thought they were better kissers!

Hi, I wasn't sure exactly which topic to put this under so that's why it ended up in the General Advice Forum. Sorry about that! Okay, well my boyfriend does not like my parents. It began right away pretty much. He thinks my dad should be someone he can go to for advice and such...Basically that he should be a father figure to him, too. I understand this. However, my dad doesn't say anything unless asked and isn't used to that sort of thing when it comes to my boyfriends. I'm not either...My boyfriend never met his own father and his mother never remarried. She raised him and his sister alone. So I guess maybe he craves a father figure and thought mine would fill that gap. But the big problem comes from him not liking the fact that they don't hand over cash. I've never been one to ask for help especially if it's financial. That's just how it is. I never borrowed money from my parents. My parents are also picky when it comes to giving it away, too. I was supposed to be given a cash gift from them (both me and my brother) but that never happened. So I told them I needed some money to pay off some credit card debt. Well, it's been almost two years since they said they would give us this money. My boyfriend hates them. He ends up yelling at me about them and telling me I should stand up to them and say something. What am I supposed to do? It won't get me anywhere and I don't want to alienate myself. My dad and stepmother make good money and I know they can afford to help. But I don't want him to blame me for their actions. Twice in the past 4 days he's yelled and made me cry. Last night he even came out with "Oh, here the tears come". He's brought it up plenty of times in the past as well. He gets me so upset and this only seems to fuel him. I told him I think he likes to see me cry or purposely gets to that point because it alway does. He hates my parents but says he loves me. He constantly makes remarks and badmouths them. I can't say that I haven't had times when I've been angry with them for similar reasons but I'd never come out and say all these nasty things about someone close to him. No matter what. But he seems to think there's nothing wrong with it. I wish he would keep the nasty comments to himself but he doesn't. I don't want the relationship to come to an end because he dislikes my parents. But I also want these upsetting episodes to stop. However, I have no clue how to make that happen. We've been together for 5 years and he's never been really friendly with my parents. For my birthday the first year we were together he did not get me anything or come over for my birthday dinner. It has always been a rare occasion when he would come over for a holiday. Even before he really got to know how they are he wouldn't come over and didn't seem to think it was a big deal. But yet he insists they're the horrible ones all the way. I brought it to his attention a few times that he has not done much to make himself a part of my family but he doesn't see that as a possible reason for them being picky with handing over money to us. Nothing I say ever seems to make a difference and when I get upset it doesn't make him stop or feel bad. I don't know what to do anymore...

Yes to me it sounds like both emotional and physical abuse. He needs to get help.

Hello...I have been in your exact situation. My ex boyfriend was the first person I ever truly loved. I thought he was THE ONE as well. Then three years later he dumps me and I'm devastated. I felt exactly how you felt. I cried endlessly, couldn't eat or sleep well and didn't have anything else on my mind but him and how I couldn't go on without him. I couldn't focus on my college studies and could barely focus on work but that's all I ended up doing just to make the time go by. It gets easier but it does take a while. You're in the first stage and it will take time. Some people get over it quicker than others...and some take longer. It took me about 6 months. I did attempt to move on in the interim. I dated some people here and there. I made sure to try and go out when I felt I could do so. I also talked to friends and family in hopes of getting my feelings out into the open. Believe me...there are people out there that care and sometimes even if they don't' have any advice it does feel better just to get it out. You'll need to. Please don't do anything desperate. I almost did several times and I'm so glad now that I didn't. It would not have been worth it. It never is. Time is a healer and unfortunately it's something you're going to have to endure. Just remember that if it ended then it wasn't meant to be. You've got someone else out there waiting for you. It might take time but at this point that's for the best. If you ended up meeting someone right now I doubt it would last. But definitely get out there when you're ready. See different people and make sure you don't do the rebound thing. One thing is for sure...going out and seeing people will get you back in the feeling good mode. You'll realize there are other people out there that are interested back. Just don't settle for the first person that comes along. Play the field. You deserve it. Good luck. You'll get there!!! Hang in there and let the grieving process take its course. It's healthy. Just make sure you end up getting over it in time.

Listen, it's not your fault and you didn't do anything wrong. This guy has some serious issues that go beyond him hating himself. Sometimes this is just an excuse. I currently have a friend who is going through some similar issues. She always says it's just because he hates himself and how he is. That does not give someone the right to be abusive. It's hard to come to grips with this especially if you care for the person. It will hurt to think he hates you but it would hurt a lot more to have stayed with him in that relationship. You could have ended up worse than beat up...he could have killed you. A lot of women don't realize this and end up dead. It's a good thing you got out. If you have to remain in contact with this deadbeat then maybe you should suggest anger management and therapy to him. Otherwise this guy is going to continue his behavior and some other woman is going to end up in the same situation or even worse. Good luck and be careful.

Hi all...I've posted here before. Now I'm back. Long story short...My bf had "seen" another woman about a year ago and supposedly did not have sex with her but that was his intention. I found out and have been spending the past year or more getting over it and finding that I still have a long way to go in trusting him. Mainly because he still lies about the stupidest things and likes to frequent strip clubs more than we have sex. We have sex almost less than once a month. We've only been together for over 4 years yet we have a sex life that probably compares to someone much older! He has no answer for me when I ask about it. He even says I'm overreacting when I worry about it. Most people I know at this point are still having sex weekly. Makes me feel pathetic and unsure. The other night he even called me by HER name while we were watching tv (the girl he saw a year ago behind my back). I didn't flip out but it did bother me. I asked him about it today and I said it bothered me and he just said that it didn't mean anything. Yeah, okay maybe it didn't mean anything but put yourself in my shoes. It meant something to be called some other womans name...Especially to be called her name. It hurts. Then today when he's at work he calls me to tell me he'll be late (it's a weekly habit, too). Then he says he can't keep talking because he's at lunch and he's got "company" and he doesn't say who. I know it might be stupid but in my situation I can't help but wonder. There are days when he seems in love with me and then there are times when I have damn clue. We live together and I think that's one reason I worked to keep together. I don't want to leave him but I also don't want to think that how I feel now may last a long time. It hurts and is so stressful. I can't move out and right now couldn't afford to kick him out. I do love him. I wish I could just switch off that emotion. Then turn it on again when I want to. That way I wouldn't be the one waiting for him at home. I could go out and do whatever I wanted. I gave up a lot for him. I don't think he realizes exactly what he has. I may not be perfect but I don't think there are many other women out there would accept him for who he is and stay with him after what he's done. Yet, this is not something I think he realizes just yet. I also know that I can't break up with him and have it knock sense into him. He says that if we break up that's it and that there would be no point in trying to win me back if it gets to that point. So I can't even do that to scare him. I don't want to find out if he's bluffing or not. I'm in between a rock and a hard place. I thought I didn't know what to do a little while ago...now I'm even more at a loss.