_Jaffa_

Whatever happened to human rights?

What about if you write a letter stating you don't want to be saved? Like a living will or dnr thing? What can they do then?

So they have to wait until you're unconscious before they can break in?

See I thought they couldn't break in to your house unless you were unconscious and not able to consent. But I dunno if it's different for people that are still considered minors or whatever.

Hypothetical question. Say you had taken a large quantity of pills/done something to yourself and locked all your doors/windows ect. and someone somehow found out what you had done/become concerned u might have done something and called the police/ambulance/whatever. Are they legally allowed to break in to your house? Are they allowed to remove you from your house even if you say no?

Have you ever felt so hopeless that you tried to kill yourself? In my experience, it's only people that haven't felt that complete and utter hopelessness, sadness and emptiness that say this. Because, sometimes it IS the answer. You know what......some people reach the stage where they just don't give a feck. They don't care. I don't care about any of this stuff. Because I don't care about life anymore. I read this with no emotion whatsoever. It doesn't make me think twice. It doesn't give me food for thought. It doesn't give me anything. It just makes me think I need to plan it better than they did. You can't guilt someone out of taking their own life. What about those that will NEVER recover from what's been done to them? What are they supposed to do? "This crisis" ..What if your whole life is a crisis? Sometimes there isn't any hope and when that hope is gone you're left with what? Feck all thats what. There aren't always choices. What if all you want is peace? What if all you want is an end? What if you don't want to be afraid anymore? What if you just hurt every second of every day? I HATE that phrase. Some problems are forever.

...........edit........

I have a year to go. I do have a job but I don't get to keep the money. I've thought about how to move out and I can't think of a way of doing it unless I just go to some homeless shelter or something. This whole being abused turns you into an abuser thing scares the crap out of me. It's the reason why I avoid any kind of relationship. I can't take that risk. How screwed up do you have to be before there's no hope of coming back?

This post has a little bit of everything because basically I'm going to get everything out there and get everything out of my mind and into black and white and see what happens. It will either help me somehow or I'll stay the same so what have I got to lose right? I've read a few posts where people have just spilled their guts and I wondered if it helped so here I go. I'm an only child. My dad is a violent, horrible man with a drinking problem. My mother isn't much better. Takes anti depressents like they're smarties, never had a clue how to look after a kid. I learnt how to look after myself pretty quickly. Was left alone a lot, find my own food....all that crap. My dad would beat the crap out of my mum on various occasions in front of me. She hardly ever made a sound, just bled everywhere and cried silent tears. My dad first hit me at the age of 7 after I tried to protect my mother. Since then I got the brunt of his anger or whatever it is he wants to call it, moreso when I hit my teens. My mother started "abusing" me in my teens because she thought it would impress my father or whatever. Didn't really hit me, just said vicious things. I mostly stayed silent, didn't talk at home, tried to stay quiet and in the background at school. Basically, tried to fade away. When I was 14 something happened but I don't really know what. I mean, I have an idea but I don't remember the details. I think I was sexually assaulted, maybe seriously, by my uncle. All I remember is him being there at our house when my parents were both out and talking to him and then waking up on my bed half naked, in pain, with my head feeling heavy and fuzzy. I didn't know what happened but I had an idea. I wasn't really thinking straight and basically ended up trying to hang myself. Spent a week in hospital, got out and things pretty much carried on as usual. I decided to just ignore what happened at home and focus on other things. Made a few aquaintences at school, bad crowd, started hanging out with older people....Met a woman 11 years older than me, had sex with her while we were both drunk, carried on with a sexual relationship for a while. I don't even know why. I guess it was just intimacy or whatever. Difficult situation to get out of since I was so shy and unconfident I let her manipulate into doing whatever she wanted me to do. Finally ended it. Tried to fight back against my dad once. Smacked him in the mouth. For my troubles I got a punctured lung. I never tried it again. It's fair to say I'm scared of him, which is totally wrong. I mean, yeah, you can be afraid of your parents in a kind of parent-kid way but I'm afraid of him and what he might to do me in a scary way. I hate being afraid of him and this situation. Last year I purposely overdosed on sleeping pills. All it did was make me pass out for a few days. I never told anyone, just kept it to myself. I thought I could get away by going to university but a) I'm not clever enough, b) I'm not confident enough, c) I'll never be able to afford it and d) my father says he won't let me do that...that I have to get a job and pay him back for everything he's spent on me over the years. Things just feel hopeless sometimes and I try really hard to put a brave face on it all and act normal. All my friends know that something isn't quite right and they sometimes ask but I always deny it. I guess I'm ashamed of it all. I wish I knew what really happened with my uncle....I see things sometimes and I wonder if what I see actually happened or if my brain is making it up because I'm so desperate to remember. But in another way I don't want to know because what if what happened is so horrible that I can't deal with it and I end up attempting again? And what if my parents know what happened and don't care? I mean, they don't care about what they do to me so why should they care what someone else does? I don't deal with all this very well. I drink too much, I have sex with women I shouldn't, I hardly sleep, I'm basically a mess. And I know I should get some kind of help but that requires admitting and talking about it out loud and I really don't think that I can. This has turned into a rambling mess so I'm going to stop now. Thansk to anyone that waded through it all and got this far. I just gotta figure something out. Or make a descision. Or something.

Sorry. I apologise for my life being sad and rubbish.

With your good grades and the fact that you're so smart and doing really well in school...you're making a great future for yourself so focus on that. At least you're not going the opposite way and letting your life spiral into a downward hole. You'll have a great life, a great job, and you can be proud of yourself. Edit: Jeez - I really need to take my own advice sometimes....easier said than done though.

Move the furniture to another room that they won't go in.

Do you have to pay to go to college? Do they love you? Do you love them? I mean, like deep down? Because you can dislike someone but still love them? If you don't love them and you feel they've treated you really badly then you should do what you think. I'd love to get away from my parents...more so my father but my mother is a waste of space half the time too.

I just read a different post and it mentioned repressed memories....Could that be what I'm getting? And if that's the case then it means the things I'm seeing actually did happen, in which case, I don't know how to deal with it.

Think about yourself. You can't be her rock if it's affecting you emotionally being around her. She's being manipulative in expecting you to stick around on her terms and be there for her when she doesn't actually want to be with you. It's emotional blackmail. There are plenty of places besides you that she can get help if she wants it.

Yeah. I mean I KNOW something did happen but I don't really know what, although I have a vague idea. It's just these things I see now.....are they visions of what did happen, like coming back to me? Or are they just random bad dreams? How do you tell the difference?

I don't think he's evil. I think he's a lazy, selfish, ungrateful, stupid fool, who actively contributed/sped up the death of his parents. Both parents are dead now so he can't be forgiven by them anyway, even if he wanted to. Can he forgive himself? There's little he can do to redeem himself to his parents because they're gone. He can, however, help other elderly people with no families, be selfless and kind and start thinking about other people instead of himself.

I just re read this and it makes no fecking sense whatsoever. Sorry.

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this or not so if it isn't sorry. It's just a question that I think about a lot....how can you tell if what you're experiencing are flashbacks of something that actually happened or are just weird fecked up dreams? The reason I ask is because I see things in my head and I don't know if they actually happened or not. I mean, I know something weird did happen but the details are pretty hazy but since then I get these "visions" and I'm not sure if it's my brain trying to tell me what actually happened or if I'm just dreaming it?

Yeah. Me too. All I need is one more thing to happen and I'm there. Like a trigger. Something to trigger me off. Just one more. They're all cleverer, more together, more confident and more focused than I am. Not too mention that they're all normal, have normal families and normal lives. Yeah, I don't think so. You have to be really good looking to do that and be confident and look good in clothes and have people like you.

Thanks for your replies. Sorry, I got sort of mad and depressed last night. Mayeb it's the time of the year. Or trying to explain it....it just sounds really pathetic and dumb when you write it out. I still live with my parents and although I try and avoid my father sometimes he comes looking for it you know? He's a pretty big guy and yeah, I don't mind saying I'm scared of him, especially when he's drunk. He goes way further than usual if he's drunk. It's hard to see that I won't end up like him because I'm still here, in the situation and there doesn't seem to be a way out really. There isn't anywhere for me to go and even if there was what do I do about my mum?

Ahhh, whats the point. What I want doesn't matter anyway. Feck it all. This was a bad idea. Thanks. I'm out of here.

I'm not going to amount to much. That much is clear. I'll probably be some drunk alcoholic sitting on the pavement somewhere ruing the days he threw away.

Why would you ever want to do this?

I just want to be normal.