_Jaffa_

I don't plan on reaching 18.

Sorry for posting this. Sometimes when I'm drunk I just start typing and loads of crap just spills out. I don't normally moan. I know people are worse off than me. Sorry. Thanks for your replies. You didn't have to.

Not in US. Not asking to be saved. Just wanted to say some stuff. Whatever.

I don't know why I'm posting this. Maybe because I'm drunk.Maybe because I feel like telling someone. Maybe I want to hear how pathetic I am. Who knows.....I'll probably delete it once I've sobered up but right now...who gives a ? It's not like any of you know me. It's not like I have to walk past you or look u in the eye tomorrow. So whatever. 1. You get called into the living room. Your dad is there. He might be drunk. He might not. On the table there's three items. Usually a cricket bat, a belt and a metal chain. He gives you 10 seconds to choose one. If you don't choose quick enough he uses all three. You pray he's not drunk because it doesn't hurt as much then. But then again you pray that he's completely wasted because then he misses his target and gets tired quicker. 2. Youre lying in bed. Youre trying to sleep but youre scared because your dad isn't home yet and you don't know what time he'll be back. You dont want to risk falling asleep in case he comes back and comes into your room and you arent prepared for it. But then you think if you're half asleep and he comes in and does his thing you won't feel as much so you lie there drifting off and then jerking awake every few minutes until you hear the front door and you can determine just how drunk he is and how much it's gonna hurt. 3. Your mum has been popping tranqulisers all day and you come home from school and she's sprawled out on the kitchen floor, covered in her own vomit, completely out of it and you try and sort her out and take care of her even though secretly youre wishing she'd just die and put herself out of her misery and then when she comes round she slaps you round the face and tells you youre scum. 4. Every single day without fail you get told you're nothing, a piece of ...a toy for their amusement, a mistake, just a nobody. 5. You tell someone once, when you're a couple of years younger. You show them your bruises but you don;t tell them the whole story because you're too ashamed. You don;t tell even tell them half of it but you hope they can see it in your eyes and you pray for them to save you. And at first you think theyve done just that. But the system sucks and you fall through the cracks and your parents just laugh in your face. And you realise that yeah, they're right, this is your destiny and its what you deserve. 6. You first cut yourself when youre 8. In the garden after your dad has just thrown you down the stairs. You bleed on the flowers at the bottom of the garden and you stare at them and for some weirdo reason you think it looks kinda beautiful. So you keep doing it. Then you discover alcohol, and smoking, and drugs and you start using them all to get yourself into that permanant trance like state. And then its like your brain adjusts to it and ta da you dont need that stuff to get your brain up anymore because its done that all by itself...you just use to make yourself completley out of it. Because then.....it doesn't hurt at all. But you're still afraid. And you don't even know what of. Maybe it's yourself.

It's actually pretty hard to slit your throat in order to kill yourself...the bits you need to get to are hidden away pretty good so you can hardly ever get them unless you practically decaptitate yourself.....so it's actually a pretty crap method so don't bother wasting your time on it.

I don't know why but reading this post struck a cord and I actually felt something....even got a few tears....maybe a combination of being drunk and feeling like crap...but I felt it. Which is weird cus lately I don't feel anything...I've just been drifting through life in a trance....get punched in the face and it doesn't even hurt, get smacked with a cricket bat and it doesn't hurt, get whatever done and you just lie there and let them do whatever they want because you're brain is like mush. And it's not even what you say.... "School, an uncertain future, a lack of money or experience for coping make it a painful time. Living under the whims of teachers, parents, bosses or the police" ..I mean maybe a little bit but theres more you know? Lots more. And if a normnal person can't cope with what you say then what hope have I got? I used to have it.....I used to be opitimistic and hope but after a while,when you try your hardest to change, and it doesnt happen it fades away and you're left like some empty shell with nothing. And you try to feel and think and eberything suddenly jumps out at you...like what you've done and what you've let happen and you don't know what to do so you cut and you drink and get high to block it out and this trance ure in gets deeper and then it gets like you dont even know youre name anymore and you wonder you are and it all builds in your head and things keep happening and that grows in your head and you can't say anything because people already think you're nuts and you dont want to look like a freak or an attention seeker or get the piss taken out of you so you keep quiet and you try and fade away but you feel like you're marked and that everyon eis looking at you so you just wanna fade away so you take pills so you dont notice people looking you and then you take too many but it feel sgood because youre out of it and dont know what the is going on so you think well maybe I can keep doing that or get that permanantly so you think about killing yourself and then it gets like an obsession and that sall you think about....the perfect plan...and i'm rambling now like some weirdo and i'm gonna get banned cus i swore but whatever.....sorry.

I don't need to be convinced that I'm a weak, idiotic, cowardly, loser for choosing this way. I already know that. I just want to get it over with and get out of this hole. I'm tired. Not just tired.....hopelessly tired. Lets just close this conversation now.

I do. When you die you go to your own private paradise where everything is just so and nothing hurts and you dont have to be afraid of anything and it's just........calm....peaceful.

I've done all that....I've even been on the "at risk register"...it means all. They don't do anything. They just visit you every once in a while, interview you in front of your parents and ignore the silent signals you try and give them. So what's the point? What are they gonna do? Leaving doesn't mean nothing happened? Some things get so broken they can't be fixed you know? What's important? Absolutely all.

Yeah, you know what? All that is pretty trivial to me.

What am I supposed to do

Yup. And my mother. No.

What do I want? To be normal. To have a bit of peace. To be able to go to sleep without being scared. To look forward to coming home. To be wanted. To not have to worry about what I say/do/where I sit/what I do. To be liked. to be loved. To have someone be proud of me. To be able to laugh/smile without having to fake it, to be able to say "i'm ok" and it not be a lie. Yup. Whats to say?

My mother had a rare moment of lucidity when I was 14. Didn't last long. Are you gonna save me?

I tried to hang myself. Spent a week in hospital.

I've attempted before if thats what you mean. Yup.

You could not be more wrong if you tried. But okay. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. Yeah.

If you like.

If you're going to do something you might as well do it right.

Suicide itself isn't illegal. Assisting someone in suicide is though. Suicide Act 1961.

Why is there a Bill of Human Rights to Self Harm then?

Okay. .....

That's a pretty generalised view. Some people don't have anyone. Physically or emotionally. Or both. And the people that have to "clean up" chose to get into that kind of job, as did the people that have to inform relatives and thereforeeee already know the risks and stressors of that job.

Why is it selfish?

What about the person that doesn't want to be saved? Not in that way anyway. What about the person that can't be saved? What about the person that just wants peace? Breaking into their house and "deciding" what's best for them isn't in their human interest. How do they know what is best? They don't know anything about that person. What if they then hear that person's story and think "well actually,I'd probably do the same fecking thing"