Parsley

It's so great to see you so chirpy Boston! It really really is. I know what you mean about still crying because your mind wanders. I find that happening a lot recently. And I don't know if I actually feel that sad when it happens? The whole relationship has turned into a bit of a blue now. Unfortunately, the truly good times appear stained and tainted now, because of what happened later. I had hoped I'd have at least some decent good memories! Maybe one day. I digress... Get back to enjoying your weekend! Changing your surroundings I've found helps me so so much. I don't get to do that very often at all, making it all the better when I can!

That's a very good point actually. The previous relationship ended with a very mutual break up. That contriubuted to how it turned out afterwards a lot, and I think is a big part of how quickly I got over him and moved on. It's difficult to imagine having mutual friends with this ex and seeing them. I know that if I saw anyone that I remembered to be connected to him I'd probably go all wobbly and hide :S

Well with my current ex...he managed to alienate all our mutual friends before we broke up, so that was handy for me! I got full custody of them all lol With my previous ex however...it was very different. All our friends were friends. One of my best friends is his sister! Another best friend kept checking with me that it was ok that they talked still. I think you just have to make sure they don't feel like they have to take sides. Obviously I had friends that were drawn to me, others went to him...but there was never a divide. And that meant that we're all still friends now...even my ex and I! If you see friends that maybe were closer to him, don't *not* talk to them, still be friendly, and don't talk about the relationship. Ask how they are, what they've been up to. Make sure they know that you don't want to lose them as well.

Right, I have a major urge to email my ex or something write now...so I'm going to right out exactly what I would say right here. I can't find my diary, so I'm afraid I've got to vent on here instead! I don't know why I do this to myself. We've already established that you deal with difficult situations by ignoring them. You cut Chris out of your life because you didn't like him anymore, thereby alienating god knows how many of your other friends. You just disposed of him. Now I've become the latest person to be erased. When I talked to Kirsty after we broke up she said that when you did that to him, she was so scared for me, but didn't know what to do. That you had completely destroyed one of her best friends, whilst completely fulfilling the other. So she just decided to watch in the background. Unfortunately, because I decided I didn't want anyone to dislike you should we sort it out...I kept absolutely everything in, didn't tell anybody how often I cried about us, how much it hurt when you cancelled on me for petty ridiculous reasons, and then didn't bother to apologise. So she didn't get to see that you were starting to treat me like the disposable commodity you seem to think that people are. I am so so so sad that we had to end like this. If I didn't know better, I'd say that you were cutting off contact for both our sakes. But the fact is, I DO know better. If you were doing that, you wouldn't have said "I'll answer anything you want" and then not replied to the questions I did ask. If you were doing that, after *YOU* told me you missed me at 1am, then rang me and asked me to go to Beacon, and told me you would ring me the next day...you would have replied to me the next day, saying that it was a drunken mistake to contact me. No that isn't what's going on at all. You just decide that whatever I ask you is just too difficult to have to deal with and decide not to do anything about it. I understand that it might not be easy. I get that. Don't you think it was difficult for me to answer the phone to you that night? God Ant...I seriously thought I was going to die that night. Talking to you was more difficult than I ever could have imagined. Hearing your voice was the most bittersweet experience of my life. But I still did it, because...I don't know why. I should have just ignored you like you ignored me. I should have just let you stew at the other end like you did so easily to me. I just can't fathom what I did to deserve this. I've thought back over our whole time together so much since you ended it. All I can think is that when you asked for love I gave you it, and you just weren't expecting that to happen. When we got together...you said that your previous girlfriends just hadn't been nice to you before. So was it that? I don't understand. I sent you those presents when I knew you were down. I spent money I should have spent on you know....food and all that....on visiting you, and contacting you. And the whole time I was finding ways to make sure you didn't have to worry about me being at uni, you were just subtly making sure you wouldn't have to bother with me anymore. You said you just assumed that I'd go to uni and meet someone. So did you ever trust me? I've already decided that there's absolutely no way you could have ever loved me. People don't fall in and out of love that quickly, it doesn't happen. People don't treat the people they love like you did. Love means Trust and Respect, and I'd have to be blind and deaf to think that you had any kind of respect for me after what you let me go through. I thought the other day "Ok...what would you have done if you were in his position? Feeling weird and not knowing what to do?" Then realised "Wait. You thought you were in that position" I saw that things weren't right, and tried to change. I acknowledged to you that I thought I wasn't treating you like I should, apologised and actively sought to change what I was doing. I changed my pill because I thought that was what it was doing this to me. You knew that I was doing all that. You knew that I was beginning to think that I couldn't trust my own mind. Do you have any idea how scary that is? You knew I was doing all that, you KNEW. And you let me carry on. Because it was easier for you to see me go through all of that than for you to say "I think this is wrong". You can't tell me it was too difficult to reply to me. I know how difficult it is to be wrong and confront that. You ensured that. So what is your excuse? You can bet I won't just forgive you like I did so many times before. I never should have forgiven you when you stood me up at the beginning. Remember that? 3 hours at the bus stop? Me walking 4 miles back to get a cab because there were no buses? The taxi driver saw that there was something wrong. I told him that I'd just been left waiting for that long by my new boyfriend. He told me I shouldn't waste anymore of my time on you, because you'll just end up hurting me and not give a crap about doing it. How right he was.

Aw, I'm so glad for you!

I wouldn't think too heavily on that. In the conversation I wrote about up there ^ my ex said "I'll email you that number tomorrow..." then a few minutes later "I'll ring you tomorrow" Neither happened. More annoying that the former didn't, cause it could get me a job that I desperately need!

Boston - Woop! You sound fantastic! And I am ALL about fast forwarding a year. Frequently more than that. It's a major part of my coping system! Brooke - That feeling like it's being immature is SO annoying. I think that instinct kicked in big time when my ex contacted me for the first time. I didn't want to act like a child...and ultimately that meant that I was setback about a fortnight (or more). Incredibly frustrating. So today is 2 weeks into my second lap of the NC challenge. Seems like a lot longer ago that all that blew up in my face. Like I said the other day...him contacting me and saying what he did planted the idea of us together again into my head. I honestly didn't consider it for a second from the break up until that point. But once it got in...whoa did it take a lot to convince myself that I didn't want it. Actually, I don't know if I have removed it completely. I did find myself crying earlier, but I think I felt more sad about losing him as this person i my life. We got along so amazingly before we got together and it hurts a lot to know that I won't ever be that comfortable with him again. How can I after the way he chose to go about things? I started thinking the other day "Would I have acted like he did if it was the other way round?", then realised, that's exactly what I thought was going on! He let me think I was the one acting weird...and I did everything I could to change. I apologised to him...acknowledged that soemthing was wrong and went all out to stop acting that way. God, I changed medication for him!! And his plan was to let that carry on. (Does that make sense...?) So I couldn't possibly ever love him again. Right? So why bother thinking about it. Just look forward to finding someone who won't choose to put me through a lot of pain to make it easier on himself.

Shaker - I didn't feel a thing when it came up to the 30 days. It felt like every other day really! Brace yourself anyway though...it can't hurt. I'd stay braced for a good long while actually! I think after I got to 30 days I thought "Well I haven't contacted him in 30 days, he hasn't either - this is it, if he was going to he would have." But then he did. Like...3 days later. Kinda weird - almost as if he'd been doing the challenge as well... He's not....right? Lol, I think I probably would have known about it by now. Good luck with the next few days. Glad to see everything is so good for you now. I wish my lips were chapped from kissing, but alas...just from the cold.

I feel better. I think I probably would have felt this way a lot earlier if I'd had something real to distract me, like work, or if I was still at uni. But hopefully that will change soon and I can get back to having a normal life without the ex on my mind! Good luck getting to grips with the new system!

Disgraceful! Actually I think because I have all of absolutely nothing else to do ever, I'm here more than I really should be. Dear god do I need a job... You doing ok?

Honestly, I didn't notice it that much. The one time I did notice, I have no idea how long or short it was. Much to my dismay. Didn't get a chance to ask either, it was the last time I slept with him and we broke up a week later. Agh.

I third the motion - motion passed!! Like I said before, none of us know him, bar Echo, so why try to convince her not to do something *she* thinks he will like, because *you* don't? It's not like she's going to write it in bright red letters size 78 so no one in the office can miss the fact that she's talking about sex. It's just another form of communication, just with more distance than speaking face to face! I'm fully aware that a lot of the time face to face is the best idea, but come ON! They've got to be allowed to have some fun! By saying that she shouldn't do this is putting sex right back into the "dirty" column, something you just do not talk about unless you are right about to do the act. Which is ridiculous! In my opinion this thread seemed to be less about "Should I send this?" than "Should I send him this with these words, or should I tweak it around a bit?"

What a complete and UTTER...umm..madam. If it were me I'd respond with something like "Kay then! But I dunno if you want to go down that path. As others have said, she's dealing with her feelings for you by turning them into hate as well. That's why you hear dumpees so often say "I wish I could hate him/her!" It just makes it easier. Well...supposedly. To be honest, I think it makes it worse. It's the worst thing to have someone you felt so strongly for hurt you, and knowing for sure that they did it on purpose. Just try and take comfort in the fact that you are clearly the bigger man here, and will definitely find someone who deserves you, unlike her.

boosted4life - don't! If there was something that she *NEEDED* to know, ok. Otherwise just leave it.

Come on give the girl a break!! She clearly knows this guy better than any of us! Some replies here I've found to be actually quite rude, whether intentionally or not. I can't see a problem with it. If he does, for whatever reason, take exception to it then maybe he's not the right match for her personality. I'd hate to have to censor myself and my ideas for someone. Kind of sets a precedent doesn't it? And if he does like it then WOOT!

Trusting your instincts has become a bit of a pet cause for me, as I ignored them twice to my own detriment. The first time someone asked me out after my ex broke up with me I said no, mostly because of how recent the break up was, but I also just thought the guy could easily end up being a bit weird - no reason to think that, but I did. After I said no, he proceeded to argue with me about it before telling me I needed professional help. Sometimes we pick up on stuff subconsciously, and that's why our instincts are right. I am, like others have said, wary of listening to every little message my gut tells me, as I'm quite capable of just being scared.

Hello you lovely people! Pisces - I guess it's like what happens when we start NC for the ex. We stop communicating, and they start wondering. Now it's reversed. I suppose you just have to decide what you're going to persue here - reconciliation or moving on. I'd personally go for the latter... Shaker - how are you feeling? hope you're not going flu-crazy. What's that saying....starve a fever and feed a cold? I also hope muchly that you didn't do anything that made your hand make a very quick journey to see your forehead. Boston - I know there are a lot of things that I thought I wouldn't be able to not say, but given time I've found that it's just not important anymore. To bring up those things now would just reopen and salt barely healed wounds. PapaL - Haven't seen you around here that much recently, how's things? Siro - Hello! I can't imagine how difficult it must be to see her like you have to. I'm glad that you can see it as something to learn from though!! Day 13 Been distracted all day again. Yay for half term meaning it's not just me at home! First I finally got to go for a drive! I love driving. I was quite surprised at how natural it felt, even after having a break of about 5 months. Think I convinced dad to let me get out driving more often again. Boosted my confidence a bit as well, because I stalled less than dad, woop! When I got back in I got all arty, and painted a design on this wooden box I'd found. It looked a bit plain before, but now it's got flowers and vines on it. I'm also covered in ink to some extent. I'm fairly sure I've turned some kind of corner, but I'm not overly sure what it is, or what makes me think that. I just feel different when my ex does crop up in my thoughts. Still sad, and I know I'm still secretly hoping for a text or something. That's definitely down to him contacting me before. I twas so unexpected before, it's difficult not to hope now - him doing that planted an idea in my mind that's proving difficult to dislodge. However, I did it before, so I can do it again.

Good for you. Could this possibly have been the big slap that he needed to STOP doing this?

It's just so nice to hear that you got a real apology and that he genuinely was upset and sorry. Makes me angry at myself when I remember how my ex acted when he did things like this. As I said before...he never seemed to realise just how much it hurt me, and thereforeeee never apologised in a way that I now see he should have. Hey yeah...I am REALLY angry at him now - I just started thinking about the first time he did it. No real apology ever...all because I was determined to make a joke out of it the whole time. I should have listened to that taxi driver. He told me he wasn't worth a minute more of my time if that's how he acted when we'd only been together a week. Oops...I appear to have ranted. Point is, I'm really chuffed for you because you've got one of the good ones. I would be annoyed at you for making it one less available for me, but you're in New Zealand, and I doubt I'll ever make it over there. Much to the dismay of all male NZers I'm sure....

Hugs for all! I felt all sad when I came downstairs and saw the cards my parents had got for each other. But then I got to have a quick squeeze of my nephew (7 months old). I asked him to be my Valentine and he squeaked, so I'm fairly sure that was a yes. I got lots of slobbery "kisses" and the best smiles you could possibly hope for, so it's all good. It hasn't been an easy day - you all know how your mind can run away with you. But now, thinking about it, I blatently had a better day than I would if I was with my ex. Definitely wouldn't have received anything, probably would have ended up going to his, watching dvds and sleeping together, which is what happened about hmm....99.9% of the times I saw him. Woop woop for babies and DIY and all that un-V day jazz!

I thought exactly the same thing. I had to go and reread the title of the post because I couldn't see how it could turn out badly. I read her reponse and said outloud "You WHAT?!" Seriously....she's being incredibly selfish. If I had a bf say that to me I'd feel like a complete cow but so incredibly happy. Reading that even made me feel quite sad because I don't have that. I agree with what somebody else said earlier, that maybe she's too into the idea of being married. I honestly don't understand people that rush into marriage, or expect a proposal after even a year. That would freak me out beyond freaked out. Maybe that's just me. But still, she seriously needs a slap or something *note - I am not condoning violence*. She's acting like a spoilt brat. It's even worse because, if you think about it, she did get her own way, and it's just because it isn't quickly enough. They way she's acted would be enough to put me off marriage for a lot longer. I think you need to think hard about how this could/will carry over into married life.

I don't agree with no such thing as trying or not trying. Ok yes - what he did hurt her...but some things are like habit. Maybe before he was with someone who did that to him and he just learnt it from them? Or something from childhood. Being scatterbrained, or forgetful isn't something you just achieve overnight. You have to work at it, i.e. try. I can see what you're saying, but there are too many circumstances where it cannot possibly be applied without making gross generalisations and applying negative stereotyping. Eva - What did I say? Man...I am so incredibly envious of you. For a huge multitude of reasons, which I guess could be lumped into "Your boyfriend is better than my ex was". Also the fact that 'you got some', and I have no idea when I next will...and you know what it is FRUSTRATING.

Hey How did things go last night?

Egad! Have you got a temperature Shaker? Resist the dark side!

I'm glad I'm single today because it meant I can wear jeans and a hoodie and be in desperate need of a shower and not have to do a thing about if I don't want to.