amazing_wierdo

This weekend is her birthday weekend. She's going up to NYC to spend time with NYC guy and visit friends. I gave her a card and she said it was very sweet. Then she mentioned that I was still on her friends list for ICQ and seemed to want me to re-add her to my friends list as well. No idea why she talks to me about her life so much, the letter, her immediate attachment to this guy, or the conversation about ICQ today. Thanks for your advice! Any other pointers ??

Can anyone explain this to me? For one I'm curious if it is likely she will end up in NYC (this will be something that affects me, as we have a son together) and two I would like to learn from this. I was packing up old ex love letters/cards/photos and came accross a recent letter. This letter was in response to me saying, "I'm moving on" two weeks after she asked to have a break and "find herself." The letter basically apologized for how she was treating me, said that all she wanted was to be a family, that she loved me with all her heart and just wanted to be forever together etc. About 4 days or so after she wrote this letter she went on a date with NYC guy. I know she is telling the truth on this from a few signs, among which was her not getting back together with me. Around two weeks later she tells me that she would marry this guy if he asked. Could she really be serious!?!? A few weeks after that I call her [about arranging for my son to spend an extra day with me] and she is really down. I ask her whats up and she tells me she's been drinking since the afternoon (it was early evening at this point) because she hasn't talked to him since lunchtime. She is worried he is out with other women. I also find out from her that he never gave a direct answer to the commitment question. I have been creating an interface via html to view pictures of my son (and some pictures have me or my ex, or both in them as well). It is basically a bunch of thumbnails which you can click on for the larger picture. She let me borrow the photo albums she has so I showed her my progress so far. I was showing her a few pictures when I notice that she's about to start crying. She wiped up the tears and I closed the browser. I asked why she was upset because these were happy memories, and she claimed she wasn't upset. I just changed the subject at this point. I'm polite to her and listen when she talks/give advice when she asks. She gets too emotional when I limit the topic to our son and it's way better if we are civil to each other. Not a knock at her but she is really bad at keeping friends and other than a few people she met on her political message board she really doesn't have anyone. I say almost nothing of my own life, however. She still seems to be going full steam trying to get up to NYC and appears to be completely obsessed with NYC guy. What is going on here? It has been about two months now and most of it is long distance. Is this a rebound? At first I thought it was about the money, since he takes her (so she says) out constantly whenever shes up there. Now I'm not sure.

I'm an introvert that was betrayed by my ex too. We have a son together and I also want the best for him. The vibe I get from your post about your son/ex makes me regret my own choices. I sacrificed a lot to keep my family together. My ex dragged me through all kinds of horrible situations and treated me really badly at times. For me, it was all about keeping the family together and working out any problems. I would have stuck with it until the bitter end, and it would have probably ended quite bitterly! I'm not sure if your thinking is as extreme as mine or not. Are you just trying to be a family again for your son's sake? Do you really love your ex? I loved my ex but I should not have let her do the things she did to me. Through all of it I quietly shut my mouth and attempted to fit the mold she demanded of me. She probably could have gotten away with almost anything and I would have put up with it to keep us together for our son's sake. (The relationship wasn't completely one-sided btw; I made plenty of mistakes too) It was wrong of me to sacrifice everything in an attempt to keep the family together and it fell apart. I could have gotten a similar result years ago and saved myself some time! For myself and my son, I'm going to fix the problems that caused me to make mistakes in the relationship. Your ex did what my ex did and jumped into another relationship without meditating on whatever her problems were. Sucks for them! You can still be a great dad without your ex.

Not to be a thorn in your side but this isn't over. From what I understand people that commit these types of crimes will do so until they are stopped. Simply threatening him or attempting vigilante-style justice isn't going to cut it. A few months or years down the line it is extremely likely this guy will do something (or worse) to another person. You can put a stop to this by taking it to the police. No one would think less of you. In fact, I'd be willing to bet most of the people that heard about you would be impressed that you stood up and brought light to the situation.

You could do that, although you would be giving her quite a bit of control over you. Anytime you do something as a knee-jerk reaction you lose control over your life. It's your choice of course but taking a jab at her will probably effect you negatively down the road.

I have a karma'tic story! My ex broke up with me 2 months ago. After 2 weeks she stopped stringing me along because she started dating some guy from NYC. So, it has been a month and a half and now she tells me that they are both in love and she would marry him but he isn't ready yet. I sacrificed a lot more than she did. I gave a lot more than she did. I made plenty of mistakes but she did as well. We had problems but I was willing to work on ALL of them! Keeping us together for the sake of our son, among other things. I posted some wonderful lines she gave me during this at Now she gets to move up to NYC and have fun. She just got back from a "vacation" up there she was on for a week. She is trying to persuade our son how great New York is. She is also trying to feed me lines like, "Our son loves in up there!" She accuses me of being selfish and being mean just to hurt her, simply because I don't want my son moving up there away from his family (both my family and her family, and myself of course). Anyway, shes happy. Having fun being taken out while this guy spends insane amounts of money on her. Meanwhile I have to accept that my son doesn't get the stable family he needs and that I was completely screwed over. Where is my fun? I don't wish anything wrong on her, but how can this be right? Someone please fix karma. It doesn't seem to be working correctly right now.

Everyone will tell you, "don't worry, it gets better." It does indeed! The nights when you wake up at 4 am thinking about her will fade away. I still have bad dreams about my ex, but not about her rejecting anymore. Now my dreams have the gist of me being stuck with her! If you have trouble sleeping don't worry about that either. If you don't feel the need to eat then don't eat! You can go a surprising amount of time without eating. Just don't stop drinking water. In fact, you might want to make an effort to drink more water. I noticed my running, swimming, excercising took a pretty nice leap forward during the initial stages of the breakup. I guess there was a lot of energy inside. Better that you spend it on doing constructive stuff rather than forming tumors. If you broke up with her 6 days ago and this is day 3 of NC then my hat off to you. That is mighty impressive willpower. Keep it up! Don't worry, it really does get better.

Always putting me at the bottom of the list. Abandoning what little morals she had if it cost her any inconvenience. Then resuming as if she never went back on what she "stands by." Being a hypocrite. Being a liar. Always dragging me down. Complaining that I didn't get her good enough gifts. Sometimes I would spend $200 on her while she would get me a $10 gift. It wasn't the price difference, it was the ungratefulness that bothered me. Never being thankful for ANYTHING. Demanding to be 100% in control of any situation, and throwing a tempertantrum when she didn't get her way. Never striving or working towards anything. Begging people for handouts (money, attention, stuff, whatever). Not caring about any of my dreams. Blaming me for her being unhappy and blaming me for problems she created. Attempting to use me as her backup guy while she goes crazy and runs off to NYC. Being a racist. Not letting me talk to other women without her becoming overly threatened and jealous. Never attempting to grow.

This references thread: She really did not want to sign the agreement. It meant she was giving up some of her control. After I mentioned that I was paying for everything so far and that it would cost her several hundred dollars to fight for an agreement neither of us would like as much, she grudgingly agreed. I have not and will not use my son as a weapon against her but the look on her face when she was signing the agreement in front of the notary was priceless. Now the agreement is signed and stamped. My lawyer has a copy, I have a copy, and I will give my ex her copy next time I see her. It is a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. The agreement is lengthy but rest assured it is fair and honest. It also works both ways. The bond I have with my son is now protected.

I think you already know what to do. Give her the coats or feel regret later.

If they want to hang out without you it is best to accept it and move on. Don't make a scene or cause a big fight about it. If you decide to let them go for a while that is OK. If you want to cut them completely out of your life then just stop hanging out with them. You don't need to declare it to them or anything. If I were in a situation where people were calling me up, asking for me NOT to be somewhere I would think it was complete crazyness. I wouldn't blow up on them but that would definitely be crossing one of my boundaries. What you said about the last girlfriend your ex had is a pretty good indication of what could happen to you, if you are not careful. It sounds like she was treated badly after the breakup and pushed to her breaking point. Stay calm and stay away from that! Don't let that happen to you! By the way, is "your pool" a community pool? Or is it really yours?

I keep bouncing back and forth between feelings of anger, sadness, betrayal, pain, guilt, and regret. It has not been a system where I cleanly feel one for 7 days then onto the next. Should I be going through these stages in the proper order?

If couples choose to live together than I wish them the best of luck. For me, I invested a huge amount of time, effort, etc and it was all for nothing. Since there was no marriage, there was no real commitment. The whole thing fell apart in the end. It is like going to a bank after investing in it for years and finding out that it is bankrupt. I won't attempt to "play house" again. For my ex and myself things were either "hers" or "mine." Nothing was "ours."

I don't know how much you tend to "go with your gut" but I almost always follow mine. My intuition tells me my ex is sleeping with her new interest, and will be sleeping with others as well (yuck!). We are broke up though so as long as it does not directly affect me or our son, it really is none of my business. The truth is she most definitely has attention issues and I obviously did not matter that much to her. There is no way I can change her. I'm much better finding someone that is the way I love them to begin with (my heart is still fighting my mind on this). I struggled with the jealousy thing at the beginning too. A close friend of mine (and my father as well) told me jealousy was all about pride. It was my own arrogance that caused it. I don't know if that helps you or not. This really helped me. Besides, her doing all this crazy behavior now that she is not with me, is way better than her doing it while we were together! About anger management, I could use some suggestions there too. Being angry for long periods makes me feel physically sick. Everyone says to exercise but that only seems to help so much. Slow, deep breaths seem to help a little too. If you get so enraged you can't see straight you should definitely stay away from her and her new boyfriend (and their property as well!). Another thing that helps me when my emotions are going crazy is prayer.

The only thing that strikes me as possibly being bad is that you both have the same support group along with how your ex handled his last girlfriend. Your friends are probably in a somewhat awkward position already (with you two avoiding each other etc). Be calm and careful. Don't react. You said you have trouble meeting new people. If you are shy and going to a pool party where you don't know many people, more power to you! Good luck!

That sounds really rough. At least in my own situation I only have to deal with the ex occasionally. If I want to do something I can do it knowing that she is not going to be there. I can only imagine how horrible it would be if she were everywhere I wanted to go. Surely there is some safe place for you to heal etc. If not, maybe this is the time to join some new club or activity. Looking at it through a competetive point of view is probably a mistake. You should be working on healing and not entering some jealousy competition with him. Anytime you do something ask yourself if it is purely a reaction to someone else. How can you stay true to yourself if you are letting other people rule you? Besides, do you really want to doom your next relationship right off the bat simply to make your ex jealous for a short time?

But failing myself is exactly what has happened. It is a horrible weakness to allow myself to believe all of her lies just to stay with her and "force" the relationship to work. My thoughts are suppose to help me progress through life and not hinder me. Usually my feelings and logic go hand in hand but now it's like they are fighting each other. It feels a bit like being a kid again and throwing a temper tantrum or something for a toy you don't want and can't have anyway. Except telling yourself, "Get some discipline, man! That thing is BAD for you!" does not do much. Your thoughts about talking to her are interesting. I know for myself at least that everyday would be way too much. It can also be a problem because now I see how the conversations really work (and it is mainly because I backed off that I can now see the forest from the trees). There is no communication. Imagine having a conversation with someone that lies about 4/5 things they tell you. It is very frustrating and saying, "Actually, I know your lying because of _____" only seems to infuriate her. There is a huge amount of satisfaction with having the power to do that after I suppressed my own intuition for so long, however. At this point it is not my desire to be with her but I do miss the relationship and all the comfort/security that went with it. I know now that the security was a complete illusion. Looking back it was not very comfortable either, although I guess now I have other problems now that the problems of being with her were solved for me. Which means that the whole situation was a lie. I knew I was stuck but there was no way I could have gotten out of it. My thinking was flawed. My priority was basically to stay with my son and keep the family together and good at all costs. It is still awkward for me and I still feel some guilt in realizing that my destiny must come first. I would like to think that this has given me another shot at life. I would have stayed in that relationship (for the sake of my son) to the bitter end. And it would have been so bitter! The main thing that bothers me is the fact that now I have a son to co-parent with her. It seems like he should not suffer for my mistakes and now I don't even have a family to give him. Yes I can still make a positive impact on his life but it is not the dream I wanted for him. He deserves much better.

I went over to pick up my son for the weekend and I stayed cool. I spoke with her truthfully. She gave me nothing but lies. The weird part is that every lie she told me I completely shattered. For some reason this time when she lied to me, I knew it. I always knew there was something that could not be trusted about her but I am really shocked. After hardly talking/seeing her for the past few weeks I guess it helped me to believe my intuition/facts rather than give her the benefit of the doubt even when I knew it was wrong to do so. I just can't believe that she lied to me so much over the course of our relationship. It turns out that it is all about the money. She doesn't love me and I seriously doubt she loves this guy from New York. The only thing she cares about is the money and the happyness she assumes will come with it. So, she is persuing a relationship with this guy full steam ahead. She has convinced herself that she is in love, and that he loves her as well. It had nothing to do with the (un)healthiness of our relationship, nor did it have anything to do with the mistakes we both made. It was ONLY about wealth and how FUN/EASY her life was! She would have left me, even if our relationship was grand, just because I made less money than someone else! I can't believe it. The sick part is I still love her. How could I be in love with someone that shallow and selfish ? Was she always like this? I look at the person I lovingly remember and really don't see much (if any) of that person left. On a sidenote, how am I suppose to heal from this wound if I must see her at least every week, with usually a phone call as well? Will it just take me longer? Everyone I talk to tells me that after 7 years, almost being married, and having a child together it will take me at least 6 months or so. It has been almost a month now since the bomb really dropped and I still feel like it's just a bad crazy dream. People tell me that since there was always my intuition warning me about her that it should make it easier to heal. Considering this was my first real relationship I'm a bit worried how long it will really take.

Both: Priorites: My priorities were my son, her, our financial situation, and life goals. Her priorities basically summed up with "let's have as much fun as possible, no matter what!" Attention: She has an unhealthy need for attention. No one person can possibly satisfy it. I closed up to her somewhat because I always felt hounded. She never gave me any time to collect my thoughts and I ended up pushing her away because of it. Challenges: Any challenges, failures, or difficulties are not considered fun or easy. Since her life goal is having as much fun as possible, why bother with challenges or difficulties? When the going gets tough, she gets going! I am challenge-oriented and she avoids challenges at all costs. Me: She is a liar She has no honor She is selfish Her: I never gave her enough attention I never succeeded enough for her I was judgemental

Dear Amazing_weirdo, I know stuff sucks right now. Keep working towards your goals and correct the mistakes you have with yourself. Look at it this way; you gave everything you could to keeping the relationship alive, even letting yourself be put through what seemed like your personal hell. How many nights did you have trouble sleeping, hoping and even wishing for a resolution? How many nights did you bitterly think that this situation would go on forever? How many nights did you stay up thinking you were a failure yet realizing that you could never be anything more with this ugly woman? (I know she is actually pretty on the outside, but deep down you know how she really is). A few months ago you remember watching that Christian guy on TV? He was commenting about the Israelites wandering around the wilderness for 40 years because that is how long it took them to learn what they needed to learn, in order to reach the promised land. That is pretty much your situation and that is how you need to look at it. YOUR DONE WANDERING! You did everything you could! You always wondered about a way to a better life. You knew she was untrustworthy and could be wicked. You knew a long time ago she always took the easiest possible path. You knew she used people and threw them away. You watched (and appealed to her) as she did it several times! It is not your personal responsibility to change her. She was not the right person for you and never was! You had to sacrifice a lot of things that were important to you. In the end, you sacrificed so much you lost yourself. You prayed for a resolution and for you to be propelled towards your destiny. Deep down you know the strength and dedication you really have. You have principles she would never tolerate, and you had goals she NEVER would support you with. You only need a simple "Ok Amazing_weirdo, face the challenge with my blessing, and good luck!" Quite the opposite; she stabbed you in the back everytime you faced something difficult! Now go climb those mountains without worrying about being stabbed in the back. She can no longer claim your victories as her own. Now you are FREE! You can be who you know you are, while at the same time living the life you always wanted AND have another shot at finding someone you are actually happy with! Look at it this way: some people think the grass is greener and go for it, and everyone else be damned. Others don't go for it (regardless of their opinion on the greeness of the grass) and do the right thing. You did the right thing and now you get to go where the grass is greener! Don't worry about your son. Be who you know you are deep down and show him how great his father really is. Show him something better than her selfish and wicked ways. He deserves the best. He will learn and follow. You are NOT abandoning him by letting her go. Stop feeling guilty about his mother putting other priorities before him! P.S. Stop this crap with worrying about dying alone, never meeting anyone, etc. You need to do those things you know you need to do (you know what I'm talking about!). If you stay true to yourself, learn from the mountain of mistakes with your ex, and follow your path. You may be surprised about who you meet along the way. "Let the man on the outside match the man on the inside."

There was this woman I used to talk with online. She was a really special friend. She made me laugh, had a great sense of humor and was very nice. We usually talked for about an hour or so every day. I had the opportunity to date my ex but I asked my online friend about the relationship we shared. She said it was a great friendship but it was not a romantic relationship. I was OK with this. After dating my ex for a bit she did not get along with any of my friends nor the online friend. I jumped into the middle and demanded that everyone "play nice." After some time and pointless self-torture I ended up completely cutting off contact with the online friend and even my local friends. Over time I came to renew the friendships I had with my local friends but it was NEVER THE SAME. To this day I still have not talked to that very special online friend. I will always regret throwing that friendship away. For the years of being completely loyal and committed to her she would get extremely threatened and jealous of any woman I talked to. I was not *allowed* to have female friends or even acquaintances. She never actually said this but I always knew. My ex is in my life now and always will be. I do not see myself involved with her romantically ever again. She is still lying to me about things and attempting to lead me on somewhat, but not nearly as much. I think she is slowly coming to the realization that I am getting over her and letting her go for good. As long as she does not sever the important bond I have with our son she will be my friend now and in the future. When the **** hits the fan she knows that I will help her out. This is something that whoever I get involved with is going to have to realize and accept. There is simply no other way. When you are in the situation that your romantic relationship has serious problems with your friends, family, life (or the other way around) it is my belief that this is a HUGE red light. For the original poster, my ex had cheated on me twice several years ago. I took her back and forgave her, but like you I never trusted her again. Once the trust is completely gone I don't think you can be with someone.

I don't know how serious or how long she has been into this guy. Believing what she says is no longer an option at this point If I establish legal rights won't this be a messy, complicated, and an expensive process? I don't want to make enemies out of her or her family either.

You guys were right. She had been stringing me along the whole time, just in case her new guy didn't work out. I don't know when she started seeing this other guy and I don't care anymore. Apparently it is going pretty well with them because she has no interest in me now. He lives in New York (4 hours away!) and is 35. She is 23. She claims that they are just dating and not serious. Yet last weekend while I was away on a fishing trip she went up there with our son for the weekend! She spent the entire weekend with him and our son was there! I am upset that she was stringing me along and that she is dating etc but I can accept that. I just can't believe she involved our son. This guy is a complete stranger to me and she took him there the whole weekend. I didn't even know my son was in another state, not to mention with my ex's date! I consider myself a good dad and I feel horrible that I failed in the duty of being my son's protector and guardian. Are my feelings about her crossing the line by taking our son with her wrong? Is there anything I can do besides just sit here and accept it?

I don't think you quite understand. She has broken up with me a month ago and has been stringing me along. She told me that on Father's day we would get back together and work on all our problems. Father's day rolls around and she lied about where she was for 3 hours. I ignored it at the moment and fixed her car (it had overheating problems). She said she was not ready for a commitment but maybe in a few days. She did not even get me a Father's day present. I responded with unconditional love even through this. The incident I mentioned earlier only happened once. I have been good about this so far except for losing my cool and saying those things. I am not trying to make her life more miserable or bad. I understand that it was wrong of me to lose my cool and say those things, but for the past month she has been lying, hurting, and giving a lot of false hope. She is almost demanding that we talk every day, which is why I asked her to respect my boundaries about it. Talking to her so much is just bringing me down and there is not much I can do about the situation.

I lost my cool with her and mentioned that I was planning on selling the rings and possibly start dating (I know the dating thing was wrong to say, I'm not going to date for a while regardless). She completely broke down. She told me angrily, "I bet you are going to go on a date and I'm going to go on a date and then we'll just end up back together." She said it in a way that implied she really did not want to get back together. She also said that I thought she was a s***. I never said anything implying this and I considered it odd. The next day I said I was sorry about the rings and that I would hold onto them a little while longer. She said she didn't care because they were mine. I asked again why she could not be with me. She said that she was not completely in-love with me and that she needed to be free of any guilt or inhibitions. She said she would call me Sunday. On Saturday night I left a message for her. I said please don't call me unless it is about scheduling time for our son, or something important. This is one of my boundaries with her now and I'm serious about it. She's been doing nothing but dragging me down this whole time. At this point things are looking really down about us ever getting back together. I suspect that given what she said about the s*** comment and inhibitions comment, that she is getting (or at least planning) on getting involved sexually with people, mainly for the attention (she has severe attention issues). If she is doing this how can I POSSIBLY let her come back? It might sound a bit low but I can't be involved with her now, or EVER, if shes acting on this stuff. We are going to see a relationship councilor Friday. I don't know if shes going to attempt lying to him, attempt to work on problems, or just use this as a way to complete the breakup and start the co-parent thing with our son. What should I do?