amazing_wierdo

You seem like a very loving and affectionate person. My story is one of disaster as well, and I'm still being strung along somewhat. At least he isn't stringing you along! It should make it a bit easier for you to heal. What you said about realizing that you will recover from this but you don't want to hurts to see because it's EXACTLY how I felt a few days ago. Everyone tells me to keep busy but the first few days I couldn't do anything but cry. Monday I was a wreck and ended up at my ex's house crying on her shoulder. It was pretty horrible. I went to a coda meeting link removed and it really was a miracle cure. It hasn't quite been a 180 but now she is the one calling me. I chat for a few moments and then let her go. She's just calling because she misses me and wants to string me along, and I realize that. I'm not quite out of the palm of her hand yet but I hope to be there in time. IMO you should take him off your buddy list. It's going to hurt seeing him on, tempt you to contact him, and slow down your healing.

I did lose a sense of myself. Most of my motivation in life came from realizing that it was all for my family. I am going to a CODA meeting tonight (co-dependents anonymous): link removed I hope it helps. It feels like my life is at rock bottom. She used to be very dependent on me until she started going to CODA. Now she seems much stronger and knows what she wants. While I am glad CODA is helping her out it still hurts a lot to know that she can't be with me right now. At this point in time there is nothing I want more than a healthy and happy relationship with her. She does care for me because she has been as supportive as possible. She answers all my phone calls and tries to assure me. She gave me her CODA medallion, which she valued greatly. On the back it says "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I keep telling myself that I cannot say any magic words or flip a switch to get her back, but my brain just won't accept it ](*,) . In a way I think this was her way of saying that its not in my hands so stop beating myself up over it. She wants freedom but she still wants to keep in touch. Since we have a son together than means we must do LC for him if nothing else. I love her very much and I believe it when she says she loves me. The only way I can have her right now is by dating her. The optimistic part of me hopes this is an opportunity to show that we can be happy together and respect who each other really is. The pessimistic part of me is scared that she is going to find someone else and that is really going to crush me (I'm crushed now, but thats going to be even worse). I can't flip a switch and stop loving her, no more than I can flip a switch to change whats in her heart. lonestar_80 your post really touched me. It is really hard to believe that one day things will get better but I'm trying. It is just so hard loving anyone when I hate myself and my situation.

I originally posted that my fiance broke up with me and wanted to "find herself." The replies said to move on and shut the door on it. "She has hurt you so take time to heal alone." A week later I posted that I didn't want to be with her and she wasn't the one for me etc etc. This post was stupid of me and I guess it was just me losing control and venting. I really do want to be with her but I can't change the situation. When we first met we just latched on to each other without falling in love naturally. Over time we each made the other fit a mold that we wanted. Then we each got upset because the other person was not happy with it. The relationship was not healthy and we both blamed the other one for it. Now we realize that it was not staying true to ourselves and not making any efforts to fix the problems. Deep down she always wanted to be carefree and spontaneous and I resented her for that. Deep down I wanted to make moves to leave the area and face challenges and she resented me for that. She wanted me to give her freedom so I'm trying to give it to her. It hurts so much because I realize how wonderful she is and how great our relationship could be. We are both still very much in love but this could end many different ways. She would like to date me and I don't know if its because she can't let go or if it's another chance to see if things will work out. I don't know if she will just stay alone for a long time and never want to try again with me. I don't know if we are going to date for a while and she will find someone else. The situation is completely out of my control. I love her with all my heart and I want to be with her. We have a son together so I can't do the NC thing (I don't honestly want to do the NC thing though). My heart is still with her and I can't just stop loving someone. Most of my thoughts during the day are about her, as are my dreams. I'm constantly hoping that she will call or contact me. It's so hard not to smother her. I know there are plenty of fish in the sea blah blah but she is the one I want to be with. We have been together 8 years! That's about a 1/3 of my life. What can I do?

It has been a week since I posted my original situation. Basically, my fiance broke up with me and decided that she needed time to "find herself." During this time I discovered that she has been flirting with online strangers (lying to them about pretty much everything) and using myspace.com as a way to find prospective dates. Everyone that posted told me to stop putting up with it. Thank you for the posts! I woke up to the advice and told her "we are through." I honestly thought she wouldn't care, but she flipped out. I picked up my son the next day and she said a lot of hurtful things (mainly about how she is going to go get laid etc). I told her mom to make sure she did something fun that night or at least get her aunt to pick her up to go drinking. Apparently she just moped. She came over Sunday begging for us to be a couple and that she would marry me etc. Monday I contacted her and said I was interested in her offer. She told me that she needed more time to think about things. ](*,) Wednesday rolls around and she says, "I decided that what I did was unfair and that I should give you another chance!" She wants to give ME another chance? This was pretty much the nail in the coffin to me. She decided (from advice from her counselor) that it would be best if we waited until Sunday to start talking. I don't plan on talking to her Sunday or for a long time after, for that matter. Sunday will be here shortly and then she is going to expect me to start talking to her and let her take me out, whatever that means. I don't want her to take me out and I certainly don't want to go anywhere with her. I don't want any of her gifts, dinners, outings, conversations, whatever. I want to turn my back on this whole crappy relationship and get the heck out of it! When this whole thing happened I had a really strange dream. In my dream I went through much difficulty and challenge but at the end I found my soulmate. It's difficult to explain but basically I know who she is, just not where to find her. If my soulmate is out there, why bother with a relationship that is so destructive and pointless? It's time for me to continue on my path. Any advice on not getting back together? She cheated on me twice in the past and it pretty much destroyed my confidence. I let her back in my life because I was so low at the time and she was very pushy. This time I'm sure she will attempt to put my son in the middle of things to make it as hard on me as possible. That's the type of person she is. This time when the smoke clears I want her to be far behind. She wasn't my soulmate 8 years ago when I met her and she never will be.. I know that now. I want to still spend time and take care of my son but I don't want her in my life anymore than necessary.

For around 7 years me and my ex-fiance were serious. About 6 months ago I proposed and she said yes. As time went by it seemed like she was procrastinating so I wrote some very direct (but nice) notes to her explaining my concerns about her procrastinating the marriage. About 3 weeks ago she says that she needs time to get her act together. About 2 weeks ago she says that we are broken up, but not because she wants to date but because she must "find herself." Several days ago she tells me that she feels she missed out on life because we have been together so long. She feels she missed out on the "dating experience." She gets angry and says I am wrongfully accusing her whenever *I* bring up the dating topic. She made a link removed page saying she just got out of a long relationship. When I bring this up she says I invaded her privacy (in very rude terms) and that the page is just to make friends. Today she said she told her aunts that we would be back together in a month after she got herself figured out, but now shes not sure (er red light?). She goes to online chat rooms under the guise of someone else (lying about her location, age, name, career) to flirt with people. She says that its just harmless fantasy. I feel its wrong on many levels. If I were on a quest to "find myself" it would involve lots of thinking, meditation, prayer, fasting, etc. She goes to counseling once a week. Other than that it seems like she is not doing much of anything constructive. I read several threads with people in similar situations. When I mention to her that it feels like the "finding herself" line is just an excuse to keep me around while she dates other people she gets really angry and says that I am trying to push her away. She says she loves me, wants to be with me and one day marry me, just not until she gets her head screwed on straight. She wants me to go on with my life and that I'm free to date etc. I have been going on with my life but I am still waiting for her. How much time should I give her? How much is "too much?" If this relationship ends I am not going to date for a LONG time. The situation is even more complicated because we have a son. I can't just say "ok, good-bye forever!" (not sure I have the power for that yet anyway). I have to see her at least twice a week and occasionally talk to her regardless of our relationship if I want to keep seeing my son. Her latest kick as that she wants all 3 of us to go camping because we are "still a family." I don't feel like a family anymore but I don't want my son to suffer. How am I suppose to heal if I have to deal with her so much? For some reason I find it extremely difficult to look at this objectively. No sugar-coating please.