a friend referred me to this site and i'm really hoping it helps.
Let me start with a little background info that got me to this point-
I'm a 35 year old male introvert. I'm very shy and seem to rub off on people the wrong way. But when i'm around i am usually the leader of the group or life of the party. I spent most of my life keeping all my feelings to myself. I never got attached to anything or anyone. I was a virgin til age 25 (only my 2 ex-wives know this!). It used to bother me that i waited so long, but now i am almost proud of it. At age 25 i started seeing a 17 year old female co-worker. She approached me first and we went for a drive for the first evening. For the next 3 nights we layed in each others arms all night long; no sex. We married 3 months later. Then 2 months after getting married we moved in with her best friend. 1 Month later she started seeing another guy and we separated. I moved out. 1 Month later she had a fight with her best friend and was kicked out. She moved back to Texas. 2 Days after she left i moved back in with her best friend and we started dating. I'm not sure to this day if i said the words or only thought them, but i think i said- "This may not last. I just need someone right now." We stayed together for 9 years. Got married 1 year 9 months after we started dating. Had a baby a year after we got married. He was and is still the most important thing in each of our lives.
5 years into our relationship i started getting into online gaming (everyone reading this is now saying, "oh, i see where this is going!". I became addicted to it and it consumed my life. My whole day was all about when i could get online. But i do think there was a reason online gaming became important to me. My wife never made me feel like she wanted me. I have low self-esteem and had always felt bad for anyone that got stuck spending time with me. I always felt bad that my wife got stuck with me. She was the world to me, even if i didn't always express it. But she never reached out to me. She never made me feel special or loved. And when we spent time together it was usually alot of nagging and * * * * *ing about stupid stuff. So it bacame easier for both of us to ignore the problems and do what we felt like doing. I always waited for tomorrow to make things better.
She finally gave up on me and started seeking support form a male friend at work. They started talking on the phone 5-10 times a day for the last month before we separated. After we separated, i moved in with my brother and she stayed in our rented trailer with our son. I had constant contact with both of them, and we tried to remain friends throughout this difficult time. She could not and still will not express what she is feeling inside. I decided from day 1 of separation that i would hold nothing back and i let the feelings fly. She used to get upset cause i would keep talking about how much i miss her and how sorry i was and how i would do anything to make things right. All the time she told me she was not seeking another relationship and that she needed time to heal herself. All lies. She continued to seek a relationship with this other guy and they had sex 38 days after we separated. They are still together, 4 months now. She has to hide her relationship from me, my son, and my family. I wonder if she is ashamed? She breaks down once and a while and says things like- "i'm a terrible person", "You don't deserve the way i treat you", "don't give up on me". But i'm not sure if these are true feelings of hers or not.
Sorry for rambling; feels good to let it all out. I'm not sure if trying to keep in contact and remaining friends is a good idea. Maybe i'm hoping she'll come back someday. But everyday is hard for me. I can't find happiness in anything anymore. I think it may be because i can't stop thinking about all the hurt. I don't trust her anymore. I don't believe her anymore. I am ashamed of her and get sick thinking of what she has done to me. But at the same time i miss her and dream of a new life together.
I have spent the last 4 months trying to do the right thing, and be honest with myself and anyone around me. I want to do what's best for me and my son. I want to be a good man.
