mikeca

I suggest reading Superdave's post, especially on selfless love.

justin timberlake - my love If I wrote you a symphony Just to say how much you mean to me what would you do If I told you you were beautiful Would you page me on the regular

what worked for me is. NC until the day you realize youre fine without her. go, live your life, she will see this, and if she so chooses you will be part of hers again.

for awhile there I thought we were dating the same girl! haha same story for me except different baggage, and for awhile I was on the fence of staying and being supportive, or walking away and give her the space to miss me. I imagine you can tell what I'm doing now

its so hard to think of words to respond, she sent me this when i asked at first: "As for us....I want to be friends for now. I am sorry but I am incapable of being your girlfriend and I told you that when you were here last. I thought you understood me. I care about you a lot but until I can sort myself out I don't want a committment. You should understand, you know what I've been through." I'm pre-writing a letter telling her how this isnt working for me, but she's clearly stated it there herself. I'm torn on what to do because in fact I do love her alot and wouldnt mind waiting as long as she showed some interest in see a therapist or something. maybe I should say that first before writing up a longer goodbye? or just telling her I cant keep in touch and she can reach out whenever she heals herself? I feel like somehow I should stick around to support her but I dont think I'm strong enough to last through this if she doesnt do anything.

Hey all again. I've been wrestling with this in my head the past few weeks...so here it goes.. basic background : broken up for 6 months, get back together, she moves to new city (LDR), I visit and its cold.. now more detail...during the process of getting back together we both had mini rebounds, only hers she said directly was to hurt me, she went down on a guy I work with they mini-dated which is painful. But as long as I knew i had her heart I could be okay with it. few more details, she was raped a couple years ago while she was working in the states. I think this plays a huge factor in everything. She's dated abusive losers in the past and im the 'stereotypical' nice guy. I could be really good for her and have been. Previously she told me she got away from this guy but after we got back together she stated she was in fact raped. When I went to visit her months back she was cold and very distant at first, she even said she couldnt handle my touch, and shes had nightmares about the rape, but during the last few days of me being there she opened up and we even made love. She directly told me she cant give me a relationship now, and said she would seek help (shrink) and I said I would wait. Now the emails we exchange are so cold from her, I still try to remain loving even though were not "bf/gf". My logic is to the be the guy who's there for her rather then those of the past. But now I dont receive any love in these emails and to her point were both going in diff. directions, im joining a police shes going into the army. I wonder now about everything, shes even said she doesnt deserve me. its not so much the distance thats killing me, its not receiving any love, even just emails that were warmer would mean everything. Shes also said shes not ready to spend the money or waste her days off on a shrink now, which makes me wonder if Im just holding my breath that she would come around quicker. I'm not exactly sure what to do. I've been thinking of walking away and doing NC again, emailing her and telling her this ( i assume from exp. will end badly) or just letting her know in a smaller way and walk away but more so in a give her more space ideal... any information is greatly helpful....

yes, communication is vital, you dont want to be strung along, months? years? before he changes his mind one day.

next time she does flirt, tell her, how can we have a future when your dating someone else, click hang up or walk away and mean it if only for awhile

I wish you all the best, there will be tough times, there will be easy times. I relied alot on this board, it helps tremendously (?) everyone here hopes for the best.

hey again, I've felt I should try to seek some advice aobut my relationship. For the most part me and my girl have a common relationship, were in a tough LDR right now and anything can happen. But I believe theres underlying issues here and I will seek advice. this is the 2nd time me and this girl have been going out, the first ended in feburary and will NC and LC we managed to find each other again in august. we had about 2 weeks before she moved to the big city. but now for the real background.. she dated losers in her past, one of which broke her heart and seemed to change her forever. He mistreated her and didnt reciprocate the love shared back to her. This culminated in a dangerous hospital visit to which he didnt even know about. She was hurt bad and poured herself into this relationship, and wasnt fully recovered even when we met, and this was over/under two years . Now its like I face the consquences of this. Also she once told me this story of being almost sexual assaulted in another city when we were first going out. The first time around she said she got away but during the early stages of when we got back together she opened up and told me she was raped. I was in shock but more in the fact, even though I didnt even know her then, that I couldnt do anything about it. shes had friends just use her in the past; she hasnt had many positive men in her life, I want to be that man. I've seen glimpses of her opening up, and returning to her former self but its slow, and she tends to jump back 3 steps everytime she gets one ahead.. is there anyone out there that can give some advice? I'm being patient and not rushing her into anything, I just know that she has so much to give and to let it out..shes changed in some ways since the first time and others not so much...i just know it when the nights she lets down her guard, its beautiful to me.

ya i dont know how to feel part of thinks its a joke, and i get angry about it, while another part is like how I felt before, turn my love into selfless love yet again and just wish her the best. I just didnt want to be in this position so soon, dominating my thoughts god! she opened up so much...ah..yes it sucks im going to have to wait a week before seeing her in person. I dont know whats going to happen but it sucks being back in the position, everyone warned me against it, I feel like such a fool.

Well after 6months of being broken up me and my girl got back together, a big part to NC, it wasnt until I gave up in getting back together that it happened (crazy i know). But she was moving and quit her job to live with her family in the big city. We had a great time not only in those two weeks but the month that followed talking and making plans. not all of it was great, we shared alot of what we did apart and who we were with but we stuck through that. After planning a trip to see her in October she started to be noticably different again, I mean this distance isnt just a temporary thing, she will be going to Ontario anywhere from 2months to 6months from now for atleast a year, and I will be leaving around the end of that time for my training, but It didnt matter to me, or her I thought but turns out It does. we ended up talking about it and she told me her concerns and I said I had the same but I knew I was strong enough, she doesnt think she is, but she doesnt know, she sent me this email after.. PS: You may not agree with me 100% but this is how I feel we need to work on the NOW of us before we can think of the FUTURE us.[/i] so once again I'd like to hear some thoughts from this board, its helped me in the past and I look forward to hearing again. Were not talking about this until I'm there in person again and I know what this could mean all over again. thanks.

its okay to stray, were only human. Its how we react to these situations that will define you and your path in the future.

I too have gotten back together with my Ex. It is an understatement when we say its alot of hard work, but I see positive change in her, the way she now writes love letters and stuff like that. We have a lot to work through and I mean alot of baggage but when we talk about things its always ''us'' and 'we', shes in another city now so were in an LDR so things are still rocky but with these new changes things may be looking up. Time will tell.

awesome i've already gotten a few good ideas, thanks! kinda funny but shes in van heh

Me and my girl just got back together after 4 months apart, but she was leaving for school/work down south and were in a LDR, we only had 2 weeks of getting back together times before she left and I wondered what can I do to keep things from going stale while were apart? thanks

well were to begin, I've been posting on here since May when I initiated a final NC (making her decision final) and then began contact recently with some results, but rather than spoil it, I'll write it out here.. We first met in April of 2005 my friends older sister, not much interest a first I consider here just that, my friends sister. I go to Place "A" visiting some family and she begins sending me emails to which I respond and they get more playful. I come back in May with a new vehicle, I go over to my friends house to show him but hes going off to work, but there is his sister, and she asks to come for a ride. We hang out that night and talk, and you can imagine we begin to see more and more of each other, so after seeking the "OK" from the friend we begin dating. We go on numerous trips to see her friends that summer and have a wonderful christmas, where she says she hopes to let me into her life completely but is scared. (Let me backtrack a bit here, shes been out of a bad relationship but it still hard for her to forget) At the end of January her family moves away down south, and her brother (my friend) goes away to police academy ( I hope to do the same soon). We spend some time talking about me moving in the spring but coincdently we will be in Place "X" in February so we meet up while were down there and have some great times. Well about a week after we arrive back in our small town we begun to have some fights about my job, I was constantly ranting about this job I hated at the time and it added stress to her fire. I sense whats happening and implement a week break but it still starts to deteriorate and sure enough we break up, but she wants to remain friends. So for the month of April I do all the classic mistakes, some gifts/long emo. emails/etc. Then I finally say what I want either its a relationship or nothing, and so begins NC. The summer begins to pass and I hear through the grapevine all the usual things, one of interst is that a co-worker of mine (who I trained at this same job) has begun hanging out with her, alot. One time in particular he leaves our group of friends and goes to sit with her....heh naturally Im a little bit angry but I figure oh well Its not my place to say anything, and if I do i'll just look like a jealous Ex. So now her brother is done the schooling and comes back and we hung out for the week he was here, now I was thinking of breaking NC around the end of summer anyway but its also this time I hear shes moving. Now i'm at the point, oh well, now theres no chance of getting back together, but I still care, and would like to say goodbye and wish her the best (selfless love) So at the club one night I go up to her after dancing with other girls and having a fun night and say " I have one dance left in me for you" She turns and smiles and gives me a big hug, and proceeds to talk about how she thought I hated her, I tell her we should say goodbye next week and hang out for a day, she agrees. We hang out and at first its a little awkward, but we phase into conversation pretty quickly, talking about what we've done and our goals for the future. Theres some appologys and one shocking statement she makes, "I'm still not over you, in fact I still love you" now I'm shocked I went into this expecting nothing and now I hear this, so I'm kinda taken back. somehow we end up at her place and were saying goodbye, as I'm going to leave I say screw it, and I turn back suddenly and kiss her, I stop and its kinda weird for a second, then she comes back and kisses me. Overall Im still not diving into this much I figure it was just residual emotions left over for the times we shared, so we make plans to head out on Saturday for one last club night. and I'm still like oh well atleast one more time to hang out. We go for a walk saturday but its still kinda distant almost like a 'first date' feeling. and later she kinda ditches me but I had plans to go out with the guys too. We end up at the bar and we began drinking and then she shows up and rushes right to me and pulls me out to the dance floor. We're dancing and have a good time but I'm still not giving it too much, but its feeling damn good. She begins hinting at things and sure enough were kissing on the dance floor. Now heres the midly crazy part. The co-worker was there, he in fact just got a job at this club with his brother. and later she tells me that he was REALLY into her, for the time I was gone she'd hang out with his brother and her friend (the brothers GF) and they'd always call his younger brother to hang with them. and a couple of weeks ago he began to say stuff "you shouldnt be dancing with other guys your mine" which freaked my ex out cuz she just thought of him as a nice younger friend (hes like 19, I'm 21 and shes 23) So I begin to notice looks from those two but didnt piece it together until this. Closing time hits and were moving out the door when the brother goes "hey 'name' stay here for awhile and we'll all leave together" a clear attempt to stop her from leaving with me, it fails. and I get the bad looks from them. so ofcourse you can guess what happens that night...no need to describe it.. The next day shes all over me still so I begin wonder, we go out for breakfast and talk about how crazy this week has been we've gone to not talking to sleeping together and sure enough she says lets get back together. Now im minimizing this part because she said alot of things in order for me to take this serious (she broke up with me) but she is still suppose to be leaving monday moring, so we have one day left to hang out, so we drive out the highway for some hiking (yes i own a jetta) and then we get some food at the waterfront, where another odd thing happens, her car doesnt start! we ended up fixing the problem and then I'm surprised but she asks me to come with her to Van for a trip, I'm a little surprised but agreed. But we dont plan for monday departure were thinking tuesday. Monday rolls around and I begin to have 2nd thoughts about the trip, is it too much too soon? I find out from an unlikely source that her car wouldnt work at all now, so I ask her why I wasnt the first to know (its late in the evening i'm telling people im going away and packing) then she says she cant leave on tuesday either, and I begin to get mad that she didnt tell me right away, we have a fight, im not gonna lie it was something, felt that breakup feeling again, and she says maybe the trip isnt a good idea, but I go over the next day during some final packing/cleaning and talk with her about what I can see for us and she does the same and we work it out. I surprise her when I tell I also agree that the trip might be too much too soon and we agree to an LDR. We have one great night again with her best friend and I sleep over so we all can say goodbye in the morning, and we share alot that night too personal to share here but I finally begin to feel her opening up again. But she's still leaving, I've fallen for her again and it hurts but not like it did before, so we say our final goodbyes and kisses and agree to call and email, all the LDR stuff. And thats where I am now after 4months of NC were back together but it is far from perfect, and far from what I expected, I gave up when I heard she was leaving and expected nothing. I'm still taking this day by day and improving myself still while were apart but I wrote this out so people can read it and possibly learn something from me, she said she wishes I broke NC earlier but I knew it wouldntve been the same, I waited till I was ready and things settled. This is by no-means a perfect example of NC, but I credit it for this andthe person I've become. Thanks to everyone on here whose given advice to anyone, and especially superdave. I never really talked to you but alot of your advice helped me, once again. thank you. p/s I played this lyrics in my sig to her and she loved it, ( i loved it too)

hmm.. Ive done this.. completely ignored her, all she thought was that I was mad at her. I kinda like simons idea, but I would do that only after a few times of ignoring her, maybe if you do look at her once give her a sign

well I did it, broke NC on the saturday and ended up having some fun, now I meet her tomorrow before she leaves town, and was looking for some ways on how I should talk about myself/her/in general. Its so weird the things she's said now after so long..5months nc and then one last hurrah...

"though its been awhile now, I can still feel so much pain, like a knife that cuts you the wound heals..but the scar....that scar remains..." poison - every rose has its thorn

I'm going to try to get a better grasp on when she is leaving, then maybe think on it somemore, wait to see if she initiates anything first, then swallow my pride and make a decision. edit, thats a big 10-10 on the card (negative)

we all start looking for that answer, but none will find it, theres no formula to getting someone back, its takes some healing and understanding but mostly it takes two people to make it work. Now i just like to finalize what I originally came here for, and try to help others

there part of me thats like "nc did its job it brough me back to me" which is.... "sweet" I get that alot, I'm one of the sweetest guys and this sounds like something I'd do if it was just a friend leaving..and if she says no, that sucks but atleast I was willing to try instead of wondering

its tough man, my ex's family was almost mine for a time there, I did alot of things with her brother (my best friend) and her dad was almost a mentor at times. but after 4months now I can say I feel a whole lot better than I did and you will too.

Well I'm back here after 4 months of NC with some final actions. I just recently found out my ex will be moving down south to a bigger city at the end of august/early sept. And granted I knew this would be coming for some time it kinda put a finality to the whole 'getting back together' thing. In fact for the weeks prior to this news, I didnt want to get back together "now" anymore. But I would've like to grow and start my career (something that hurt the relationship) and then maybe call her up sometime and see if we had anything left. Anyway i've been thinking of asking her out for a day, kinda to say goodbye on better terms. I've seen her around and it hasnt hurt me for awhile now, but I know if I do this most likely it will feel like old times, but thats actually what I wouldnt mind. Kinda farewell, I'm so proud of your accomplishments I know you will do great things, and know that you have the biggest fan of your life right here, and someday I will find you again. Granted this would hurt the NC effect of me as her safety net again, I just feel after being with her since she moved back to this town I should atleast say goodbye when she leaves. turn my love into a selfless love by letting her go, but by being there for her in the end as she leaves.. Lets hear what you all have to say. Also I just found a card she gave me for Valentines, I cant believe of all the times I find it now, I was thinking of maybe getting her a card that talks about love, or giving her back this one to show her what we once had, to remember it. Also #2 This would be a one time thing, no friendship, just back to NC but left on a positive