caliboy
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Just wondering if anyone has any tricks or methods for overcoming jealousy. Preferrably from a guys point of view (if that matters). Things to tell yourself when it sarts to surface. Ways to keep calm without getting quiet, distant and almost bitter/resentful at the other person. Any real life stories of overcoming jealousy. Any links or other resources. Thanks all for any help.
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How do you find out if your girlfriend is cheating on you?
caliboy replied to Sprintman's topic in Infidelity
I just had a comment about confronting her about the possibility of cheating and the type of response you would get from her. The frist couple times you confront her about the issue or give her a sense that you may be interrogating her (and she's not cheating) she may tell you she's not and reassure you. But if you keep bringing up the issue, she will start to get frustrated with you. Don't let this confuse you into thinking there's something going on because her frustration is with you and not because she may be lying. Basically, the more you interrogate her, the more frustrated she'll get with you for always accusing her of something/making her feel guilty of something and this frustration is not because she's lying. -
I understand what you're saying AzurePhoenix. I've had some bad relationships in the past where the girl wasn't the most honest, so it's made me more watchful of the girl I'm with now. But this isn't fair to her. She's not flirty, she's just a very nice and friendly person. Another thing is that I'm use to girls who put all their attention into me, and my fiance "shares herself" with other people, so I'm not getting the attention like I had before with other girls. Not that that's bad, in fact it'd be healthier if we weren't putting all our attention into each other like you said. That's probably part of the reason why my past relationships didn't work out. I just need to snap out of my old selfish ways of viewing relationships and I need to realize it's ok if she has an emotional/intellectual/meaningful relationship with another guy. I think I've been nieve to this. I can't keep her from doing that nor should I let it bother me. It's normal and healthy for human development. Thanks for the advice
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To be honest I'm not entirely sure what I mean by Emotional Cheating, because I'm trying to figure it out myself. When someone cheats physically, they're doing things with someone else that they're only suppose to do with you. Say your girlfriend or boyfriend has a friend of the opposite sex. At what point would you feel they're becoming too emotionally involed with this other person. I understand this can vary from person to person, but there must be some clear definitive way of telling if your significant other is putting too much emotion into someone of the opposite sex. I bring this topic up, because my fiancee had a guy friend in the past who she would hang out with at least four times a week and talk to all the time. She said she wasn't attracted to him at all and he never made a move on her. They were strictly friends. She was with her ex-boyfriend at the time too, who lived 400 miles away. She tells me her ex didn't care, but if I was him I would wonder if something was up, cause I'm use to girls being close with their girlfriends. I guess some girls get along better with guys and that's normal and there's nothing to worry about...? I only care about this, because she recently started talking more (via email) to a coworker and showed some sadness when she found out he was moving and she also mentioned she wanted to get back in touch with that old friend of hers. We had been arguing a lot lately, so I wonder if she goes elsewhere for the emotional comfort kind of thing? If so, is it odd she goes to another guy, rather than a girlfriend? I'm just trying to pay attention to signs without making any accusations, but maybe I'm worrying over nothing? I understand having friends of the opposite sex, but when they start becoming close friends things get confusing. Say there isn't any physical attraction - the possibility of her being emotionally attached comes into play. I myself have friends who are girls, but I leave all my emotion with the girl I'm in a relationship with.
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First of all, what exactly do people define this to be? And how can you determine if someone is cheating emotionally or just being friendly and a having a friend of the opposite sex?
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Thanks sayer7, you too are very right. I read what both of you say here and I know you're right. I'm being insecure and jealous and I need to get passed this. Thank you very much for your comments and advice.
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You're right if only?, thanks. I can't get jealous over this, cause she's not doing anything wrong. I trust her, I guess I just don't trust other guys. If a cute, friendly girl is talking to me a bunch of course I'm going to be nice back. I just don't want him getting the wrong impression. So at what point should I be concerned about her being friendly and/or hanging out with another guy?
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I'm not sure if I'm worrying about nothing and being immature or not. Here's the situation... My girlfriend and I got engaged. She got in touch with a coworker of hers who told her about a wedding photographer they had used and my fiance likes and wants to use now. So her and him have been talking more often lately throughtout the day about whatever - non-work things. Apparently he's moving and leaving their job in 6 months and she said she's going to be kind of bummed about that. He invited her and I to his (and his wife's) house warming party (I've never met this guy). For some reason, I felt like there was something going on and I acted a little jealous. She says he's a really nice guy and stuff and that she's doing nothing wrong. I guess I'm just not use to my girlfriend/finacee (and girlfriends in the past) forming these bonds with other guys. Like when her and I first met, we talked a lot and one of the main reasons she liked me she said is that I have a good heart. So with this coworker/friend of hers it makes me feel like what's the difference with me and him then? She also, at the same time, started talking to me abuot an old guy friend of hers she use to hang out with allll the time and that she misses him and stuff. She'd even hang out with him a lot while she was with her last boyfriend who was living down south at the time and she tells me her ex never had a problem at all with her hanging out with him. Part of me feels stupid and immature about the whole thing. Her and I have been arguing a lot lately, so I'm wondering if she's looking for things in other guys that she's not getting from me....? My fiancee's going to meet and be friends with other guys, talk to them a bunch, hang out even and I have to not let that bother me, but for some reason it does. When I talk about it with her, she tells me that she's not doing anything wrong and that it's perfectly normal for her to have friends of the opposite sex who she talks to, hangs out with, forms bonds with, etc. I guess I always thought that the way males and females work, if a girl talks a bunch with me I think she's interested, but that just might be my immature perspective on things. Any comments about any of this?
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my fiance is having real problems getting along with my family. the thing is, my family likes her, but she doesn't like them. my family are the type of people who have a sarcastic, somewhat ridiculing sense of humor. She's use to her family who don't crack jokes about one another, so she's very sensitive to my family sense of humor. Plus my brother has a girlfriend who my fiance says "rubs her the wrong way". What it is is my fiance sees this other girl as competition. The other girl bonds well with my mom and gets along well with me and my family, so my fiance feels threatened. I also think my fiance feels insecure, because this other girl is blond, 19 (so she has a 19 year old physique) and can be somewhat racy sometimes (ie. way she dresses, makes out with my brother in fron t of everyone, etc). It's getting very difficult, cause my fiance now says she won't be around if this other girl's around. She says if this other girl ends up marrying my brother, my fiance will never come to family events, cause she doesn't want to be around her. An honestly, this other girl isn't doing anything wrong, cause if she was I would see where my fiance was coming from. I just think my fiance is feelings insecure and angry cause she's not the girl who's the center of attention which I think she's use to being. So her solution is to avoid it completely. Anyone have any advice on how to handle this?
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OceanEyes, so how do you get that person to step back and see that they're hurting you?
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After reading some of these posts it's clear that it varies A LOT from person to person. I knew my fiance for 8 months before we got engaged. We had both dated a lot of people before we met, been in long term relationships and are in our mid-late 20's. We have a lot of the same interests and goals, so we wanted to start out life together
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I'm engaged to a girl who's also had a busy past - although she's 30. I met her when she was 28 and she told me about her past then. When she was younger 17-22 she was with 7 people or so, and has only been with maybe 3-4 people since then. It bothered me too when I learned of her past, because I'm just like you in that my past hasn't been as busy as hers. But it's true what everyone says about it being her past and that'll always be. She's the person she is because of her past. And she's with you and in a relationship with YOU for a reason. If she's a permiscuous girl and cheats, then that's another thing, but if she just likes to go out and have fun then that's normal. It's your own insecurities that's messing with your mind - which I guaruntee will eventually push her away, so you gotta change your mindset. You and her are both young, so this is the time that you get these things out of your system. She'll probably have her fill of this party life into her 20s, grow sort of tired of it and mature from it. You should be doing the same thing in fact. My guess is that if you look ahead 5 years from now, she'll be a part of your past, along with probably at least 5 other girls. Don't sweat it you're young and you'll fall in love again. I'm living proof along with many others here.
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I kind of disagree with vitalcoaching in that "A "no sex" rule is quite definite and rather unhealthy for a couple". My finace's a Christian (I too), and we stopped having sex about 4 months ago in order to follow God and so we could be close and happy with each other without the need for sex to keep us close. I use to agree with vitalcoaching in that sex is healthy for a relationship, until I thought more about it and realized that if you're going to be committed to someone (especially for the rest of your life) you should be happy with them as a person. Sometimes sex can cloud your head (your brain) and you could end up being with someone you're unhappy with. Don't get me wrong, I still get horny as hell and even bitter sometimes at the way things are in our relationship, but I know when we're married we'll be having all the sex we want. Again, she's a Christian so her reasons for not wanting to have sex might be different than your girlfriend's. Another bit of advice is the vicious cirlce of sex. The more you push her for sex, the less she's gonna want it. I know it sucks, but sometimes you have to play the game and act uninterested in her in order for her to want you more. And the key is to stick with it for awhile. She won't immedietely come running to you if you act uninterested only once. If she changes in front of you or something, don't even look at her. She'll get all curious inside as to why you're not looking and come to you. It works.
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I'm feel I'm getting fed up with the woman I love....
caliboy replied to XxMaErCs13xX's topic in Relationship Advice
My case is a little different which might shine some light on things. My relationship use to be a giver/taker relationship. I the giver and she more the taker. She too had been spoiled by all her exes - she's a very attractive and a strong girl with motherly instincts. So I spoiled her a lot and still do somewhat today, but things sort of changed part way through our relationship. I backed off, just cause it got draining always giving and I stopped treating her like such a princess. I wouldn't call her as much. I wouldn't be as affectionate as I had been before. Basically I became less of a giver and she in turn became more of a giver and less of a taker. We got to a point now where we give and take about the same and we're engaged to get married next June I'm not saying this will always be the case, but we love each other very much and I can tell that now because of how's she's changed into more of a giver, rather than us drifting apart once I started to back off. Another thing to remember, that I didn't realize before, is that people show their appreciation in different ways. My fiance got in a bad car accident about 8 months ago, so I've done the driving everyday to and from her house 40 mins away. After awhile that drive (it's a windy, unsafe drive too) can get stressful, but I still do it. I use to get pissed that I was the one always driving and she didn't contribute, but she would contribute in other ways. We give and take in a relationship and it's most likely not going to be the same things we're giving and taking. I say back off from this girl a bit. You must be getting drained from all the giving. Even get a little bitter at how you do more for the relationship. And see how she responds. Maybe you'll find out that she's not a giver regardless of how much you give and in that case, she's not someone you'd want to be committed to. -
People who are successful at what they do enjoy what they do. You'll do a much better job at something if you enjoy it. And if you're doing good at something it'll build your confindence. Another thing I'm learning is that you can't rely on other people to give you confidence (ie. your girlfriend/wife reassuring you of how good you are at something or complementing you, your parents patting you on the back when you do something good, etc), because where would you be if that stopped all of a sudden. You can only truly rely on yourself and God and sometimes not even yourself cause you are only human. If you can be confindent with yourself without other people's reassurance then that's a big step. Don't worry about what other people are doing, cause you don't know what's really going on in their life. They could be confindent and doing well on the surface, but depressed and miserable inside. It takes a strong person to be truly confident and happy with themself expecially when life throws you obsticles. Exercise to get those endorphins running through you, eat healthy, get sleep and just be happy with yourself and not dwell on what other people are doing.
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HAHA I liked your translation at the end there. I totally hear everthing your saying. And the thing is, since I've met her, I've become closer to God. She was brought up in a Christian household with parents who have taught her a lot about Chrisitanity and the Lord, while I didn't have any of that really until I met her. I have given myself to the Lord, but since I am a new Christian I am still adating to a Christian lifestyle. One of those things being sex. So it creates a battle within myself... 'I'm horny and want to have sex like I've been able to in the past, but I want be close to God and put intimacy with my fiance on hold until marriage.' I tell myself (and her) I just need more time to become closer to the Lord. We go through the bible together, pray together, go to church, etc. She (and her family) believes that she should be married another Chrisitian, which I am, but still a "young Christian". In your reference to the Song of Solomon, when it talks about "sex being a cosmic experience forever eternally adjoining a man and a woman with God's blessing," it means sex between two married people (God's blessing), right? Another thing. I know this may seem knit-picky and maybe I should already know the answer to this, but when the bible talks about not having sex until marriage, does that include oral, groping, etc or just intercourse? I'll continue to move closer to God which I know will naturally instill in me a better understanding of no sex until marraige. Thanks for your comments.
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Have you two been fighting a lot lately? Sometimes tension between two people will make sex less desirable. If not, just try backing off from her. As in don't be around her that much. Play the game a bit and see if that helps.
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The wedding's set for June 11th 2005... 10 months to the day of no sex. UGGHH I can try my best to respect her beliefs until then. Obviously it's not something I'd brake up over. I love the girl and want to spend my life with her. Almost anything is tempting lately. Just her rubbing my hair or kissing gets me going. Can't really speed things along, cause the weddings been set. She won't compromise. A religious porn movie? LOL She doesn't like movies with sex. We got part way through Eurotrip and had to stop it. I personally was loving the movie, but bitter at the same time.
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Not sure if maybe this should go in the Religion forum.... I've been with my girlfriend (fiance now) for 10 months. We had sex for the first few months, but after seeing Passion of the Christ, she decided to stop being physical in order to be closer to God. We slipped a few times since then, but it's still really hard. pun intended. I support her and her religious beliefs, but I get REALLY horny sometimes and as I'm sure some people know, you want even more what you can't have. Which leads to the vicious circle: the more you pressure her, the less inclined she is to want to do it. It's caused many arguments, because I'll start to try to fool around with her and then she'll say no, feel guilty and get angry that "this always comes up". I know I shouldn't do anything and respect her beliefs, but I've never had a girlfriend who "rejects" me like this. I'm really attracted to her, so sometimes it's difficult to control myself. I know I should just masterbate or whatever, but I even start feeling guilty about that since she said God looks down on masterbating. I also feel bad, cause I've starting fantasizing about other girls - girls who I would have more of a realistic chance of having sex with (on the side) than my own fiance. But I wouldn't want to do that since it's a sin. Whenever she says no, I get bitter and resentful inside. She's been with 10+ partners before me (even had sex in a park and in a car), but now wants to stop having sex and being physical at all. It just kind of makes me feel crappy inside. Another thing, and I don't know if this is just me, but the lack of physical activity (expeciialy on her part none at all) makes me feel sort of insecure about myself even though I know her reasons. Still she's very good at not showing any physical interest. I can't even sleep in the same room as her at her parents house. AND SHES 29 AND I'm 25!! Once we're married, she said we can have all the sex we want. If you're wondering if she's maybe cheating, that's not the case. She's a moralled girl and we're engaged to be married. She genuienly wants to be a better Christian. What do I do about this dilemma?
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oh ya I totally agree it's a minor thing. just venting I guess, but I'm over it.
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This is a really minor issue, but a couple weeks ago I was saying goodnight to my girlfriend on the phone and I told her I'd call her in the morning. The next morning rolls around and I'm really busy at work (have my own business) and was unable to call her in the morning like I said. She calls around 10-10:30am saying that she doesn't like it when people say they're going to do something and then don't follow through (ie. me saying I'm going to call her that morning but didnt). I told her I got really busy with work and was going to call her, I just had to get some things out of the way. So she gives me a huge guilt trip about it. Last night I talked to her on the phone and as we were getting off the phone, she said she'd call me this morning. 10:30 rolls around, so I called her and she said she had forgotten she said she was going to call me. I reminded her of how this same thing happened before but switched and her only response to the whole thing was an irritated "I said I'm sorry what else do you want?" I just thought it was odd that after I get reamed for it, she goes and does it and gets angry that I even call her on it.
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so anyway... hehehe... I accept her stance on sex. Even though she's had multiple partners in the past, she's recently (since meeting me) decided to be more true to the Bible and God. I've been going to church with her and learning more about God. I've talked a great deal about religion with my girlfriend and her dad and even with my parents and have come to MY OWN conclusion that I DO believe in God. The current situation with me and my girlfriend is that she has been studying the Bible and believed in God since she was little. I am just beginning to learn about Him. I've grown up not thinking premarital sex is a bad thing, so I've had premarital sex. So has she, but she's recently decided to cut back on it, because she feels guilty about it from a religious stand point. Plus, we can only have sex at my house which is only on the weekends and there's people constantly walking around, knocking on my door, making noise, etc which throws her off. It was tough for me (still kind of is) to accept her stance on sex, since I'm use to my past girlfriends always satisfying me sexually, but I love her and stand by what she believes in. Even if that means constant blue balls. One last thing, I always thought it was odd how a couple months before her and I met she had sex with some guy in a car. Not her boyfriend or anything, just a guy she saw on a physical level for about a year (she told me this).... And she's also told me about how her and her ex-boyfriend (who she had an abortion with) had sex all the time at his own place when they were together. For her to want to cut back on sex with me cause she feels guilty religiously. She says once we get married it'll be totally different. I'm going to pat myself on the back for being understanding about all this. So what's my cure? Stay busy? Never really had to do this when I was with my past girlfriends, but do I start spanking it a lot? I apologize if I've come accross as being piggish, but I'm horny.
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my girlfriend and i have sex once a week. she's a Christian (has been her whole life) but since meeting me, has decided to become closer to God and slow down with sex. she's been with multiple people before me, but wants to slow down now. we both live at home, but at her house we cannot do ANYTHING, because her family (who are all Christians) are there. I have to leave the room when she changes (even in underwear), there's no fooling around at all and I have to sleep in her little borthers room if I spend the night. Oh, and she's 29 and I'm 24. On the weekends is when she comes to my house, where there aren't any "rules", but still we only do it one time over the weekend. it's frustrating, because i'm very attracted to my girlfriend and being intimate makes me feel closer to her, but whenever i start making moves on her, she always says something like 'can we do it tonight after dinner?' she doesn't like having sex during the day, because she has to feel and worry about my cum coming out of her the whole day. rather do it at night, when we can go to bed afterwards and not worry about it. She's says once we get married it'll be totally different, and we'll have sex all the time, but I don't know. She doesn't make any moves on me or give the type of response you'd expect when we are being intimate. it's getting depressing constantly being rejected by my own girlfriend. i'm trying to respect her beliefs in God, but it's difficult when she's slept with more people than I have. it's getting bad and to the point where i find myself looking at porn and even fantasizing about other girls, because i feel like there's more chance of having sex with them then my own girlfriend. i'm frustrated. any help?
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oh for the record, she's my girlfriend of almost 6 months and not just a friend. You're right about thinking about what I'm acheiving by being jealous. I always here people say 'oh so-and-so is a jealous person. that's just who they are.' and this makes you think that that's that. That person's jealous and always will be. I think it's just something i have to control and over time and eventually my jealousy will subside to nothing. I hope this is how it works.
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I have a jealousy problem. For example, my girlfriend goes out for coffee with a male coworker and I'm bothered by this. Another example, I'm at my girlfriend's place, we're just talking and she goes into her closet and grabs a guy friend's sweater and wears it and I get bothered by this (I gave her a sweater of mine 4 months ago and it still sits in her garage). I know jealousy is a juvenile way of thinking. Who cares if she goes out for coffee or wears another guys sweater. Why do these things bother me? I don't directly say anything about it, but my mood changes and I get quiet/angry in general. It creates problems/starts fights between us and it's not good. We're both stubborn people and we argue a lot. How can I get to a point where these kinds of things truly don't bother me?