caliboy

don't call her. you're just going to piss her off even more. I know how 6 hours of not talking to "her" can feel, but you're seriously going to have to keep yourself occupied. I've tried everything. People always say go workout, but I don't think you're ready for this pahse yet, cause it requires too much energy right now. Go for a walk at night and just think about things. Another thing I found good is to write. I probably wrote 100 pages of letters and journal entries. This lets out a lot that you want to say to her, but DO NO send them to her. You may find yourself saying, 'ooo that's good what I just wrote. i'll send this to her and she'll understand.' no she won't, she'll just get more pissed cause you're harassing her. the more you don't give her space, the more pissed she's gonna get and it'll make you look selfish for needing to talk to her. You probably also don't realize this yet, but what you're doing right now is needing her. Don't ever need anyone, cause that's not how it works. Good luck.

She is VERY concerned about her appearance. Spends all her money on clothes and makeup. She shops at inexpensive stores, but does it frequently and spends a lot. She also shops at stores like victorias secret and fredricks of hollywood. When she came up to visit me, before we walked into my friends house for a barbeque, she had to "spritz" her hair. Then when we get inside she kept telling me about how one of the girls there doesn't look like a model, and was so insistant about it. I told her, maybe she doesn't look like a model, but her boyfriend thinks she's beautiful and that's what matters (she understood this). Her and I went into the bathroom and she kept checking herself out telling herself that she has a nice ass, etc. She claims she's very secure with herself, but I get the impression she's insecure. I think someone who's secure with themself would know it and not need to prove it to herself and/or everyone else. So is she insecure or not? Any girls have any thoughts on this?

The dreams are normal and will eventually stop. I think it's your brain or conscience testing you, by taking you through a very painful moment (being with your ex again) and then bringing you to reality to cope. They're just part of the "getting over her" phase. I'm sure a lot of us have had them, I know I had them.

I'm just asking myself why she doesn't want any contact at all, i'm sure that she doesn't have another boyfriend... She just wants space to think. It's odd and hard to understand to our brains, because we know what we want. But if you call her, you're going to want to talk about the two of you and that'll just come accross to her as being selfish, because you won't give her the space she needs. Just give her more time and space.

ya it is scary, but the fact is she told me the truth about who she'd been with and didn't lie and tell me she was a virgin. I'll bring it up one day with her casually and see what she says. Besides it was over a couple years ago.

she didn't tell me she lied to that other guy, a buddy of mine did.

she lied to a guy I knew before her and I got close. she didn't lie to me about it, in fact when it came up between us, she told me she wasn't a virgin and told me that she slept with 2 guys before me (including the guy she lied to about being a virgin). it doesn't matter to me that she's not a virgin, cause i feel she's still quality (as long as there isn't a huge list of guys she's slept with). I'm just more concerned as to her lying about it and what else she'd lie about and to who.

Why would a girl lie to a guy and tell him she's a virgin when she really isn't?

I think the only thing you can do is wait for her to make the move to the next step. I've seen cases where this will happen, and then the girl will say it was a mistake (maybe she missed holding him, etc but doesn't see a future) and other times they get back together. You should let her bring up the topic of a relationship, and when she does make sure you two talk about the problems that led to the break up so that they never happen again. You need to be firm about what you say too. You both need to be completely honest with each other or else there will still be trust issues and if you two can't trust each other then it'll never work.

I have had some trust issues with my ex too. She lied to a guy she was with before me - telling him she was a virgin when she wasn't. And she's lied to me about things since she broke up with me. So I've got to wonder what she lied about when we were together. We were very close: together for almost 2 years and living together for a year. We talked about getting engaged and married, were (and still are) best friends along with everything else that makes a couple so close. It sucks, cause I care about the girl a lot, and I know that she cares about me, but she just has this lying problem. It's horrible, cause I think she lies to everyone and all it's going to do is come back to hurt her. I fear that she may not have anyone to be honest with her about this. I know that if someone truly cares about someone else, they would tell them the butal truth about things. I know that's how my parents and really good friends are with me. Everytime I try to talk to my ex about something, she just gets angry and defensive. She's immature and needs to grow up. In fact, the last time I talked to her I told her to grow up and then give me a call. But I feel as though I should've gone into detail as to why she needs to grow up. Sometimes I just want to scream at her and tell her to stop lieing to people, but I know this isn't the best approach. I'm also afraid that if I tell her to stop lying that she'll just be immature and get mad and go out and keep doing it. What's the best way to tell these people what's up about what they're doing. I don't want to be her father, but I care about her and I don't want her to continue this trend and get hurt in the end.

Just keep at it and you'll be fine. I'm still waiting for her to call, but at the same time I know for a fact that she's seeing someone else. Not only that, but she's been buying all this stuff at stores like victorias secret and fredricks of hollywood, then going to see this guy. Gut wrenching. I also just found out from a friend that before she was with me she was with this guy and lied to him by telling him she was a virgin when she really wasn't. Not quite sure why'd she'd lie about this, but it makes me wonder who else she's lied to and about what.... I think if enough time passes and her and I don't talk, my stupid brain will begin to allow all the shit she's pulled to sink in. It's sad, but I'll probably end up hating her.

what's it mean when a girl pays for things. more specifically, when she pays for meals. anywhere from $8.00 to $50.00. this is even after dating/hanging out for a few months.

cause they like the attention, but may or may not be interested.

Girls don't want a guy who's crying all over them, cause if they did then they'd only want to be with you out of pity and that's not love. They need a guy who's strong and confident, cause most girls lack this and look for a guy to make them feel more secure. Think of it this way, when you or anyone goes out, meets someone and is potential interested in them, they're not crying on you. EVERY girl wants a guy who's strong and in control. It's fine that you're emotional and sensitive, because deep down I think girls like that cause it shows them you care about them enough and are comfortable with them, but DON'T go overboard with it. Especially now. Let her know you care about her very much and know that you would love to work things out, but that she needs to figure herself out. Then tell her it'd be better if you two don't talk until she figures things out. Then don't talk to her and wait for her to talk to you. She'll change her tone immedietly, but don't give in. You have to wait for her to come back to you. You don't want to get back together because you talked her into it. You want her to be with you cause SHE wants to. What I see here though is that you're still so young. When I was 17, I was with a girl who I thought I was going to spend my life with. In fact, we were together for 5 years until we split up in college. We became different people. That was 3 years ago, and I can honestly say that it was the best decision. You need to let your ex be out there and meet other people. You need to do the same too. I know it's tough cause you're hurting right now, but you have to do it in order to be yourself again. Figure out who you are, what your interests are and what you want and I promise girls (even your ex) will find you way more attractive.

I was in the same boat, but the sexes reversed. I cryed to my ex, called her a bunch, etc and all that did was push her away. She told me that she didn't want to date anyone, even though I know she's seeing someone else right now (didn't want to hurt my feelings by telling me? still wanted to keep me as an option in case this other guy didn't work out, i don't know). All you can do is back off and not contact him. 6 days feels like forever, but you gotta do it. Cause if you call him, you'll just be right back where you were before. If what you've been doing hasn't been working (crying, calling for no real reason, etc), then try something different. In fact, do the opposite: don't call him. If he cares about you enough, he'll have time to think, realize he misses you and call you. If he doesn't call, then it wasn't meant to be, and you use that to get over him. Everyone's different, but my ex and I went a week without talking (the longest we've ever not talked) and she called me telling me she missed me. I don't want to get your hopes up, but giving them space is all you can do.

Spoke with my ex last night. The conversation went well: lovey dovey, baby talk, etc, but when I brought up how things are with her and me she said she's still confused. As we were getting off the phone, she said "so we'll talk again soon?" I paused for a couple seconds, mustering up the courage to say it and I told her "No." Here's what I told her... She can't keep doing this. She can't fly up to see me, kiss me, flirt with me get a hotel room and cuddle with me all night, then tell me she's confused and just wants to be friends. Then we talk on the phone and she's really sweet, but just wants to be friends. I told her I care for her very much, I know what I want and I understand she's confused about what she wants. I told her we need to not talk for awhile, maybe a couple weeks so that she can figure things out without me being a pest. She said "No, I don't want to do that cause I like talking to you." I told her "Yes, because you can't keep doing this." She got a little angry (trying to regain control), and said "fine, if you don't want to talk, then we won't talk for awhile and you call me when you're ready." I told her "No. That doesn't make sense. I could call you, but then we'd just be continuing this vicious cycle. I know what I want and you're the one who's confused, so you're the one who needs to call me if or when you figure out what you want." This is when she started to understand. Her tone changed, she got a little quite and was really sweet with me again. By this point, I felt she was being sweet so that maybe I'd change my mind and say something like I'll call you in a few days, but I didn't do it. I've done that before and it didn't do anything to help the situation. As we were getting off the phone, I reminded her that I love her very much and to not be angry about this. I think she understood and we both said bye and hung up. I don't know about other people, but when you're very close with someone, then they break up with you, but then continue to talk to you post-break up and show feelings but just want to be friends, I don't see how this can work and both people feel fine with it. I did it for 5 months, trying to be her "friend", but I couldn't take it anymore. She wanted to have her cake and eat it too, while I was getting the shaft on the other end. Plus, it didn't feel natural to me to just be her friend, especially after how close we were in the past. It was difficult at first, but once I started, the rest came out naturally, cause I know it's the right thing to do and it'll eventually provoke a response from her either in favor of us getting back together or not. Which one depends on how she truly feels inside. Now I play the waiting game. I CAN NOT call her, and I have to wait for her to call me. If I call, then we're back to square one, which I've done before and ended up being in the same horrible position I've been in for 5 months. It's tough, but if she calls I'll know she truly cares, if she doesn't, then it wasn't meant to be and I'll have to accept that. There were problems in our relationship, which we've slowly talked about and although maybe some of them haven't been completely resolved, I think if she cared enough, she'd still call. I'll update soon.

One more thing I wanted to mention for anyone who may have something to say about this... One of the reasons, probably the main reason, she broke it off is because of my insecurities and jealousy. I think we're all jealous and we all have insecurities to some extent, so I think that's natural, but even now she reminds me of how I am jealous and tells me that's why she's not my girlfriend. I agree that I was a little insecure and jealous back when we were together, but I have become much more secure since the breakup. Some questions running through my head... "Just admit you're jealous," she'll say. I'd like to admit to her that I was in order to resolve this, but would admitting this turn her off? I know that she was also somewhat insecure when we were together (although she has become more secure), so would admitting these things to each other and facing our fears help us move past this and work on us again? Or maybe I just don't say anything at all, and be my secure self? She'll sometimes say "I know what you're like (jealous/insecure)," does that mean she's made up her mind? Have I ruined things with this girl with her seeing that I was at one point insecure? Or could she see that I've admitted my mistakes and have in fact become a stronger person (how I show her this I don't know)? Again I feel I'm much more secure with myself now, but I can't just tell her that. Anyone have any ideas on how to go about resolving this kind of thing?

why she passed your desk? Cause she still cares for you and probably wanted to see you (even if it was just to say hello). This is good, cause it means that she's not trying to shut you out. And yes, act macho around her, but not like an asshole, and give her some attention but not too much. Not as much as you did when you two were together. It's a difficult game to play. You'll find yourself walking on glass a lot. I'm going through the same thing. It's difficult I know. My ex still talks to me, and although it felt great and we were close when I saw her a few days ago (I've seen her twice in the past 5 months), she still tells me things like she needs more space, but can't promise that we'd get back together. I get my hopes up when I see her cause we have a great time, then she says that and puts me back to where I was. I lose sleep over it, I still cry sometimes and I get sick to my stomach wondering why she's doing this. Maybe stopping all communication for awhile is the answer? I've thought a lot about what I could say to her as far as taking some time for her and I to not talk, so that she can have space without me interferring. I know what I want and she's confused, and I think this puts pressure on her that keeps her confused. Maybe this is a good idea? I like my first quote below, and she agrees with it.

viper, we all do stupid things after our girl breaks up with us. I probably did just about everything to (when I look back now) make myself look like such a weak loser. But she knows who you really are and that you are a good guy. Even though you were hurt and let her see that, if she loves you, she'll see you for who you are. All you can do is stop acting the way that turned her off, and be yourself. Focus on you, cause you're the only person who can make you happy. Sounds weird and I know it's been said a lot in this forum, but it's so true. Not only that, once you do start focusing on yourself, you become more attractive to other girls (and your ex). In order to be subtle, you have to be exactly that. Keep some things a mystery to her about what's going on in your life. Be nice to her on the phone, but don't be too nice. Don't you dare hint at other guys she might be seeing. Make yourself seem busy and always be the one to initiate getting off the phone. When she calls you, let it go to your voice mail then call her back later. I'll keep thinking of other things. I know some of it seems like a game (which is what I have to play with my ex unfortunetly), so if your girl doesn't play games, then just focus on yourself.

You're right on about the no contact for awhile (two weeks or whatever). And I'd do this, but she calls me too. If I was the only one calling her it would make more sense to stop calling her, but she still calls me so I'm not sure what to do here. If she cares (and this goes for anybody), she'll give it another try. If she doesn't give it another try, it wasn't worth it to her, and obviously you wouldn't want to be with her. I care for my ex very much, and she tells me she cares very much about me, but that she's confused. I would think that I've just become a friend to her, but the fact that we talk almost everyday still (even 5 months after she broke it off) AND that she was affectionate with me when I saw her a couple days ago, I still think that there might be a chance and to not give up. After all, I truly love her and if it's meant to be it'll happen. I just wish it would happen sooner.

do u still talk to her?

My ex and I talk almost everyday. She tells me she cares about me very much and we both occasionally tell each other that we love one another. Yesterday (sunday) I called my ex, and for the first time all year, she's had a day off from work and/or school. To make a long story short, she flew up a few hours after that phone call spur of the moment. She came up and went to a BBQ with me and my friends and it was awesome. She was flirty, we kissed a bunch and to top the night off, we got a hotel room together. It didn't go further then kissing and cuddling, cause she wants to go slow, but it all felt so wonderful nonetheless. She flew back this afternoon (monday) cause she had to work, and the last couple hours or so I was kinda bummed that she was leaving. She saw this and got mad cause i think she felt guilty, but it wasn't all that bad cause i still made her laugh and stuff. We talked a lot about things. She tells me she's very attracted to me, likes that I'm smart and that I can make her laugh, but that she's just confused right now with what she wants. She's been confused for the past four months. There were a few times when we'd stare into each other's eyes and not say anything, and usually end the stare with a kiss. She says she wants to take things slow, and we'd see each other again real soon. It felt so good seeing her, but it hurts so much that she's gone and still confused about what she wants. How do I act now towards her? What can I expect? What do I do?

Looking back, i realize that i wrote my ex a lot of "feel sorry for myself", i cry a lot, my life's not the same without you, I'm depressed, im sorry for my mistakes, here's what i did wrong and why i did it and basically anything you can think of to make myself seem like the weakest most pathetic guy out there. her and i still talk, and i wish i hadn't written those letters, cause i don't want to be remembered like that. i think it's normal to feel the way i did after the break up and to even write what i did, but NOT to send them to her. i want to tell her to throw away/burn those letters. any comments?

Here's an update to my previous posts. If you're interested in reading about the whole thing just look for "Getting back together with my ex" by caliboy. In short, she broke up with me after some problems in our relationship, since then I've told her I made mistakes, I'm sorry and basically have been real upfront an honest about why I made mistakes I did. She called me today, and it was a good conversation, although she still tells me that she's in college and wants to be dating other people, and we'd talk again this weekend. But if someone truly loved you wouldn't they want to be with the person they truly love and not need to date? What's the need to date other people for? Anyone ever been through this or does anyone understand what she's doing? I understand I made some mistakes in our relationship and I could understand her needing time to hear me out about it and think about if she wants to be with me after the fact, but I kinda feel like I'm on the back burner. I want a girl who's loyal. Am I not taking the fact that she was hurt in the relationship into consideration, or should she not need to date other guys cause she's in college if she truly loves me? Any feedback?

Thank you both very much for your feedback. To answer you question Swingfox, not everything was my fault. Although I'm at a point where she's been hurt, so I need to be here to gain her trust back, even though I lost a little trust in her in the process. There was a lack of communication on both our parts, but I mainly made the mistakes that led to the break up. So what I'm concerned about now, is how I approach her with this letter. I feel as though my letter to her should be only about the mistakes I made (even though there are things about her we would need to talk about, but I figure we'll cross that bridge when or if we get to it). I want to admit my mistakes, but is it a bad idea to admit my mistakes and give a reason as to why I made them (ie, dependant on her cause I had nothing or nobody else around, etc - I just don't want to sound like I'm giving an excuse)? Also, do I avoid saying anything like 'I don't know how you still feel about me, but if it is meant to be it will happen' and telling her that I know what true love is and means (I really do)??? To let you in on a couple of the issues that I realize were hurting her, mainly my fear of commitment and my dependency on her - yes two very bad things I know. I moved down south to live with her, I didn't know anybody else around, didn't have a job and basically relied on her for everything. In the process of becoming dependant on her, I became jealous (when I know there was nothing to worry about), and when I went home for the holidays, I called her A LOT and at horrible hours thinking there was someone else there, wanting to talk to her, etc. Very bad, I know, and I understand why she broke things off. I would've broken up with me too. I didn't commit to her (when she gave me all of herself), because I feared being committed. It's not that I wanted to be with other girls, I loved my ex and wanted to be with her, I just wasn't ready to make the next step. Obviously this hurt her, because she had given all of herself to me. I know no girl wants a guy like this, but the funny thing is that I was never like this through the majority of our relationship. So my dilemma now is if I admit that I became dependant on her (leading to jealousy and insecurity) and that I wasn't ready to commit (but would have eventually), would I be completely turning her off from me? And how do I gain her trust back?