Trax

Well, looks like my concern was unfounded. She called me tonight to confirm hanging out tomorrow night. Kind of weird how she was unsure last night, but tonight sounded excited...whatever...I'm psyched!

So, I met this girl on Friday and we seemed to hit it off pretty well. Lots of common interests, good conversation, flirting, etc. Anyways at the end of the night I got her number and we gave each other a kiss on the cheek goodnight. So, I call her to see if she wants to hang out on Sat. She already had plans and said to call her on any other night since she didn't have any plans then. So, I called her yesterday to see if she wanted to go to a show on Wed. She sounded intrigued, but then said that she doesn't make plans ahead of time and that she would call me or to call her on Wed. I said ok, I will call on Wed. Now, I can't tell if she's just shy or not interested. Should I even bother calling her and asking her out, or just forget it and move on?

Quick update I had another good weekend. On Friday I met a really cool girl. We had a lot of stuff in common. I probably could have hooked up with her if I wanted to, but I know I have to take things slow. I got her phone number and was a little nervous about calling her last night, but I did. She already had plans, but said that she didn't have any for any other night and that I should call her. My question is, do you think she's still interested and how long should I wait to give her a buzz? I want to go to a show with her on Wednesday night. For those of you still wondering about your exes and wanting to get over them, just forget about them go out and meet other people. Its hard to do, but the faster you accept that its over the better off you'll be. There are tons of girls/guys out there. Right now my confidence is soaring. I feel that I can go up to any girl and make conversation. The key is to not care what the outcome will be. Be yourself. My feelings for the ex continue to fade. I've decided to put more effort into meeting new people, rebuilding old friendships and enjoying myself. Don't get down on yourselves, maintain NC focus on anything but them. Now that I've started to really move on, and date other people, this appears to be the classic time the ex always tries to get back into your life. It hasn't happened yet, but I know it will. And you know what? Its going to be easier for me to say forget it.

I've been following your story and I agree with the other posters that its time to let this one go and go to NC permanently. Lets say you take your time and get back together again. You have another argument. Things fall apart again. He sweet talks you into what was wrong again. You forgive and get together again. See where I'm going with this? It sounds like you're just going to be going through a vicious cycle of emotional abuse. You don't need that. Nobody does. Its hard to let go because you see the potential of things when they are good. But it seems that you'll just be walking on egg shells and thats no way to be in a relationship. Hope things work out for you.

Let me put in a little perspecitve of the person that's been lied to. My ex broke up with me because she claimed she didn't love me anymore. It happened out of the blue one day. Now, I don't know if she had someone lined up to move on to while we were together or not, but about a month after the break up, I saw her making out with some guy at a bar. She knew I was there and did it on purpose to either hurt me more or make me feel jealous. She then had the nerve to call me in the middle of the night and pretend that nothing was wrong. I called her out on it and her attitude was, "so I told you how I felt about you already I can do whatever I want now." She claims she started seeing him a few weeks after we broke up, but during this time I was of course trying to get more answers from her/win her back (the classic thing not to do) but she didn't even mention seeing someone else. The fact of the matter is, she LIED to me about stuff and I am more hurt by the fact that she lied than anything. She was not 100% honest for her reasons in breaking up with me. If she came back and asked me to get back together do you think I could ever trust her again? Why would I want to go back to someone who cannot even be honest? If she did, I would honestly tell her that I cannot forgive her at this moment and that I'm moving on for now. She would need to regain my trust somehow in order to just be friends. The bottom line is, the damage has been done. You have an opportunity to set things right with your ex and by going behind his back you are damaging that trust. You're not being honest with him and you're certainly not being honest with yourself. As much as I would like to get back at my ex for what she did, I know I'm a bigger person than that. I can show her that I'm more mature than this. I'm sure my ex didn't think I'd ever find out what was going on, but I did. And your ex will certainly find out at some point or another and it will cause you more problems than they're worth. Once trust is broken it is almost impossible to regain. Tell him the truth that you're not ready yet to forgive and go on with your life. You can't have your cake and eat it too and expect to get back with him in case things don't go well.

I know what you're going through...I'm basically in the same spot. Its been almost 2 months to the day since I got "the call". How she couldn't be with me anymore, needed to focus on her life, only loved me as a friend. Didn't know if she would get back with me or not...needed space. It hit me like a ton of bricks. Three days prior we were together, happy and moving forward as any other day we had been together. Two weeks after that, the face to face on how it was completely over. She had already moved on, stopped loving me for a long time (hard to believe since she never acted or did anything different), was happier without me, was free. Tough pill to swallow. Denial set in. Then, the pathetic attempts to make her see things differently. Finally the realization that they were hopeless. Just give her her space. Fast forward three more weeks. At the bar. With him. Seeing her kissing some guy. The worst of the worst. Was this happening when we were together? Unlikely. We spent literally everyday together. Were they talking? Possibly. The drunken call from her later that night. Claims they started dating two weeks prior, but how can this be believed when she never mentioned anything about being with someone else? I'm knocked back to sqare one all over again, but this time its 10x worse. Finally, acceptance. Its over. The person that I knew and loved and would do anything for and be there with is dead and gone. Transformed literally overnight. Was she trying to deliberately hurt me? Make me jealous? Does it even matter anymore? No. She knew what she was doing. This isn't the same person anymore. Moved on like our time together was nothing. I feel betrayal more than anything now. Going on almost 3 weeks of NC and I'm all the better for it. Do I still miss her? Yes. Do I still lover her? Of course. But, those feelings slowly erode away with the sands of time. In that time, she'll realize what she had, realize what she gave up. I know I'll hear from her again. Hopefully it will be when I'm fully healed. Could we ever be together again after all that's happened? Not likely. She'd have to put in one hell of an effort to just gain my ear again. I'm simply emotionally drained. The sadness, anger, depression...all are fading. I still think of her everyday. Its just not the same. The emotions come and go, but I just feel....empty. I know I'll be able to love again but, not after being very cautious. My mind is ready to move on, but my heart still needs time.

Exactly. Why can't people just think "I'm being treated so well, I don't need anyone else."? I guess this makes me realize these girls need their hearts broken before they can realize what true love is. Wow. This is the *exact* conclusion that *I* came to when I had time apart from my ex. I wondered, "What if a while from now I decide that I want to explore other options?" And then it came to me, why would I even need to do that when what I have now is good? At that moment I realized that she was the right one for me. The thing is my ex had a physically abusive boyfriend before me in her last serious relationship. She's had her heart ripped out before. She knows what else is out there, so why did she all of a sudden need to go exploring again? And I think that answer lies right in this statement. Love is not going to be this heart-stopping rush of emotion you get when you first fall in love with someone all of the time. It settles in and has its ups and downs. But its just there and it reaches a comfort level, a stability. For whatever reason these women think its supposed to be more than that all the time. It leads to a dissatisfaction almost.

Wow, this is a really good thread. My situation is very similar to all of yours. My ex broke up with me because she didn't love me anymore, loved me as friend, had moved on, changed, was happier without me, etc...The whole litany of excuses. She was my first true love and first real girlfriend. She had been in relationships previously, so I assumed that she'd have more of an idea what she wanted. She's 23 and I'm 24 b-days about 6 months apart. There were times where we were unsure, but after she came back from a 10 day vacation she proclaimed to me that she was absolutely sure she wanted to be with me and I felt the same. Everything between us seemed fine and we were working on our differences. Then, one day out of the blue she tells me she can't be with me anymore. She didn't make a clean break and wasn't completely honest with me. She said maybe we'd get back maybe not. I'd had enough of waiting around and confronted her when she finally told me that it was really over. Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago I see her making out w/ some dude at a bar. I don't know if she had been in contact w/ this guy while we were together or not (she claims no, but who knows). She always would use the same lines over and over again when I asked her for more answers. She had just "moved on" in her life. The thing that bugs me the most was that approximately 3 weeks prior to that at my friend's wedding, according to him she said that I was the best boyfriend she'd ever had and the first one she had truly loved. Its very scary and disturbing to me in a way that she could so easily and quickly fall out of love with me for what seemed like the course of a weekend. She claims it had been over a longer period of time, but she never acted differently or became distant. She certainly did not come to me to talk about whatever feelings she was having. She did mention to me that I did nothing wrong and that things were good between us, but not "great". After reading through this thread, it seems that maybe she too feels like there is something better out there. She's already jumped into the dating game, and I'm just left with the hurt and sorrow of what went wrong, when apparently nothing did. The thing is I know she isn't going to find it, not with some rebound anyway and when she realizes what a special relationship we had it will already have been too late. Its so baffling to read these stories and how similar they are on how these women between 20-25 all of a sudden regardless of past experience are thinking the grass is greener elsewhere when they were treated so well and loved in their relationships.

I agree as well. Once there is cheating involved you're setting yourself up to get seriously hurt. If he did it with his current gf, what's to say he won't do it once he gets back with the ex? He's trying to play two sides of the same coin. Better to let this guy go.

You're only torturing yourself man. Listen to these guys...their stories, mine and yours are all very similar. We all made the same mistake of trying to beg our exes back and tried to figure out why they stopped loving us and we all got the same generic responses. It is honestly in your best interest to go to NC immediately. Remember it is for yourself to get yourself together, not to win her back. I know its hard because you don't have closure and neither do I, but harassing them will only push them further away. It gets better trust me.

You seem to be in a somewhat similar situation as me. I think the best thing to do is to forget about what he's doing now and stop trying to get in touch with people who know him. Its hard I know because when I first got dumped I tried to ask around for more answers since I wasn't getting any from my ex. You may not ever get the answers you're looking for. Focusing on yourself should be your priority and not having contact will help. Slowly your sadness will dissipate and the pain will not be as great. Doesn't feel like it now, but it will happen.

Well, last night I had a great night out. One of my friends had a Halloween party and the past couple of weekends have been really good for me. One of my exes best friends was at the party last night. They stopped hanging out as much once me and the ex got together. They basically stopped talking with each other a few months ago, but nonetheless these two were best friends for a while before we met and when we were first together. She asked me what had happened between me and the ex and I told her the story. She seemed to be very surprised at what had happened since she said my ex was certainly not the type of person to do something like this. Since they don't speak anymore she obviously doesn't know what happened but she did tell me that my ex was truly in love with me. I never doubted that, even after everything that happened, but if felt very good to know that she certainly loved me as much as I loved her. She told me that my ex was the type of person that would never cheat and would put off anyone else's advances. She says she thinks that she met this guy (or got back in touch with him since its supposedly someone she's known for a while) after the fact and was trying to make me jealous. I got a little emotional last night since I was drunk, and hopefully none of my friends saw it. I stayed strong and didn't do anything dumb like try to call her and in a way its helped me progress. I still don't have the full truth but I think that eventually it will come. So far everyone I've talked to about this has them as surprised as me. I'm not really sure where I'm trying to go with all this it just feels good to go here and write some thoughts down and get responses. I know I can't keep talking to my friends and family about it since I'm sure they're sick of it by now so this is the only place left to go to let myself heal.

I don't know...its just hard to accept that y'know? The way we treated each other and from her actions and my actions I don't think anyone could have possibly said that we weren't in love with one another. Its all moot now of course, but hey I will think of the special bond we once had and once she realizes it too, its her loss.

James, I was similar to you. I was a late bloomer if you will. Start hanging out with friends and going places where there are lots of people around. Sooner or later you'll meet girls by either going up and talking to them or even being introduced to a few through friends. Just be yourself, be calm and confident. I used to think that I'd never meet someone, but you know what? When I least expected it, was the time I met my now ex-girlfriend. We hit if off instantly and never looked back. You'll meet someone eventually you just gotta have confidence in YOURSELF. This is a little off topic, but phishgirl are you into the band Phish? I'm a huge fan and its good to see others around here as well.

There's your answer right there. Don't let her into your life she will drag you around. NC is absolutely the way to go.

Edit: double post

The thing I don't understand is how her personality has done a complete 180. Her attitude towards me and the way she treated me during the break up was nothing like her at all. I mean when we had some bad arguments we said nasty things to one another, but it was out of frustration, anger, even drunkenness but we always made up and forgave one another for how stupid we acted. Its like the person I knew and loved is completely dead and has been replaced by this cold, uncaring individual within a few day's time. Whatever really happened (I still don't know the whole truth and maybe never will) changed her into someone I don't know. My hurt and pain are finally starting to subside. I think about what happened but I don't feel that same sadness, frustration, and even anger that I had. There were a couple of lapses here and there, but its been getting easier. NC has been in full effect and I haven't had any break downs of wanting to get in touch. I think meeting new people especially finding a new woman would really make things better. I just need to be sure of myself and gain the confidence to talk to them and not care of the outcome. I think that will happen when I least expect it to which was how I wound up with my ex in the first place. My biggest fear is never finding anyone like her again that I had the same emotional bond, affection, interests, desires, comfort, etc.. But, I guess that's all part of the game.

You guys are going through almost the exact same thing as me. My ex broke it off with me out of nowhere after 1 1/2 years together. I got the usual BS lines too, "I love you as a friend, It's not you it's me, I'm happier without you, I've moved on, blah, blah, blah." Turns out she was most likely breaking it off with me to go on to another guy but didn't even tell me the truth. My whole story is in under the thread "Having trouble moving on" in the forum "Healing After Break Up or Divorce." Only difference is that we're only 6 mos. apart in age (I'm 24 she's 23). Now, she's had previous relationships, but this was my first serious one so I'd figured she'd be more sure of what she wanted. Bzzzzt. Wrong. She's already moved on to the next guy without even realizing how good I was to her. Now I'm not saying I was perfect or that we didn't have our problems, but who doesn't? Its just like you guys said too, she won't recognize what she had until she gets hers and when she does guess who she'll try to come back to? I've basically gotten over it now. I had the sadness, the anger kicked in, I still think about it, but it doesn't hurt as much and I'm just letting go. Plenty of other viable women out there who KNOW what they want. Hang in there bigbilly, no contact is there for a reason. You'll eventually feel better even if you don't right now, you will.

I'm going NC all the way. I just have a gut feeling once her fling fizzles out she'll try to come back to me once she sees what she had with me. If that does happen, which it very well could not too, hopefully it will be much later rather than sooner so I have time to get myself together. I'm trying to stay as positive as possible at this point. I would not be surprised if I wound back up with her at some point in the distant future because we had a great connection. I obviously can't sit around and hope for that to happen, but I realize that it possibly could.

This sounds very similar to what my ex-gf did to me. The difference is that she didn't show any signs of not caring or indifference towards me. Don't get me wrong, we had some problems like everyone else, but I thought that things were getting better between us and we were happy together. Then, one day out of the blue she says she doesn't love me as a boyfriend only as a friend, doesn't want to be with me, has moved on in her life, etc....This was about a month and a half ago...you can read my story under the thread I started.

Delete them immediately otherwise you'll start to question old dead issues. Its hard to do because there's some good stuff there too, but in the end out of site out of mind is the best. I know I just went through some digital photos of me and my ex and it was hard to get rid of them because we looked happy and good in them, but it was better to just delete them.

I think that you should just go to NC with her at this point. You've got another lady in your life now so concentrate on that. Why dig up old feelings if you both know it isn't going to work? Perhaps one day you two can be friends but only after a long time apart.

Thanks for the input everyone. Polaris, do you mind me asking what happened in your situation when your ex just up and left out of nowhere? I'm just having a hard time grasping all of this since there didn't seem to be anything going on in the time leading up to this. No strange calls or sudden cancellations on her part, etc. I guess it also depends on when she actually came into contact with this guy, before or after she had decided to break away from me. The thing is either way she was not being honest about her situation for whatever reason...ie. guilt, keeping me as a safety net, etc. and I just wish I knew why. The way I see this playing out is that she still may have feelings and is trying to keep me on her radar screen so if this rebound doesn't work out for her, which they usually don't (at least from my past experience as a rebound) she'll try to come back to me. My mind knows that I shouldn't go back to her but unfortunately my heart is still attached. Hopefully that happens later rather than sooner so I can sort myself out. I try to keep my self as occupied as possible...going out with friends, watching tv, reading, burying myself at work, etc...but nothing seems to help. She always just seems to be in my head. NC was my plan of action once I realized that I was being too pushy towards her but, what happened this weekend made her get in touch with me for whatever reason. Nothing I can do about it since I don't have caller ID on my phone. I honestly do not want to have any communication with her whatsoever at this point as that will just set me back. I was wondering if there were any females out there that have actually gone through this process before. Why did you do it? What was your reasoning behind just leaving out of the blue? What was the end result? Any more perspectives are welcome.

FC, I read that thread of yours... good stuff....at this point now that I know she's moved onto someone else I honestly don't think I can go back to her if she came back. The very thought of her with someone else makes me cringe. Rebel, That may be the case, but I'm the type of person that likes the truth no matter what the answer is. Don't know why, just do. I've asked some of my friends that are girls and they say it was highly unlikely because of all the time we spent together. Literally everyday. And if we didn't we were on the phone with the option of hanging out always being there. Now I'm also not naive enough to believe that in the 2 or 3 days we didn't see each other that she wasn't with someone, but its not likely. I just want some more answers really.

I'm pretty glad I stumbled upon this site and after reading around for a while I figured that there were some good people here that could give me some direction. I've talked about my breakup incessantly with my friends so maybe a little oversight from strangers might help. I'll try to make this as short as possible but there are a lot of details too. My ex of 1 1/2 years broke up with me a month and a half ago and ever since I've been an emotional wreck. The whole thing took me completely by surprise and happened out of the blue. Now I'm not going to pretend that we didn't have our problems or differences, but we had always seemed to have worked them out. We had just gotten back from a good vacation with her family and things looked like they were turning around for us. I finally thought we had reached a good level of understanding and communication with one another. Prior to that vacation we went to one of my best friend's wedding together and according to my friend she had told him that I was the best boyfriend she'd ever had and the first one she'd ever truly loved. She is the first true love of my life and I really felt a connection with her. We literally hung out everyday and when we didn't we would at least talk on the phone. Over the course of one weekend she needed time to "think about stuff". I was cool with it and didn't really think anything of it so I gave her space. After not hearing from her all day one day and her not returning my calls, which was something she'd never done before, I became worried. So I call her up the next morning and she apparently was just waking up and dropped the bomb on me. She said she needed to be away from me couldn't have me in her life anymore. That she needed to figure stuff out. She didn't outright say that we were done, but she said that she might not come back to me. I of course was upset, mad, confused, etc. So, I left her alone and had no contact with her for 2 weeks. Up until this point this was the longest we had not seen or had contact with one another since the day we met. I simply couldn't take it anymore wondering what was going on so I broke down and called her. I wanted to see her face to face and she reluctantly agreed to see me at her job. She told me that she didn't love me as a boyfriend anymore and that she didn't feel that I was right for her and that she was happier without me in her life. I have no idea what made her feel this way or what happened over the course of a weekend to change her mind, but she certainly didn't act or do anything differently up until then. While she's telling me all this she couldn't even look at me and I asked her to tell me she didn't love me to my face, but she couldn't do it. I figured maybe there was someone else and pressed the issue. At first, she denied it, then said there was and finally looked me in the eye and said that no there definitely wasn't. Needless to say I didn't feel any closure and left with more questions than answers. Being the persistent person that I am to seek out the truth, I tried e-mailing and calling her to find out more behind her reasons for not wanting to be with me. All I would get was the same generic response, "I've fallen out of love with you, I've moved on to other things, etc." Nothing that I was doing wrong or any serious issues in our relationship were brought up. The classic it's me not you BS. The thing is she was being as mean as possible to me; almost an anger in her voice I'd never heard before. It was like I was this horrible person to her all of a sudden that she couldn't wait to get away from. She kept claiming that she didn't want to talk or whatever, but would always call back or write back to me. She said I was pushing her away, but I kept trying to find answers. I felt that by her being nasty to me was pushing me away from her. She had always said she wanted to be friends with me if we ever wound up splitting up, but the way she was acting certainly didn't make me want to be anything to her. Anyways, I played it cool with her, didn't yell or get mad and tried to reason with her as much as possible. Nothing worked, but she said to send her an e-mail about everything I wanted to say. So I did. I laid it all out on the line. Told her why I thought things were working between us, why they were better, why we were so good together why I loved her and asked her to take a week and re-think everything and start over with me. She just replied with the same stuff as always. I'm completely devastated at this point. I can't make someone listen who isn't willing to. Nor can I change their mind. They have to on their own. I tried to provide a different perspective to her but she wasn't hearing any of it. Anyways, I finally decided that I was going to do what I should have done in the first place which was leave her alone and give her space. I figured maybe she is just confused and unsure about herself and her life and got scared that we were so serious at such a young age (I'm 24 and she'll be turning 24 in a few months) and decided that running away from the issues will solve them. I decided to just let it go and move on as best I could. I had hoped beyond hope that if we had stayed single and didn't hook up with anyone else that maybe we could slowly get back into things. I still wanted to be with her and came to that conclusion a while ago. I knew she was right for me and she had always told me the same up until she decided to break it off. Hopefully the time off would reinforce those feelings. Well this past weekend pretty much dashed all of those hopes. A couple of friends and myself went to a bar. I saw one of her co-workers and good friends there, but I didn't feel like talking to them because I had been playing with this in my head for the past month and a half now. I had a feeling that maybe she was into this guy friend of hers but my mind was set at ease temporarily when I didn't see her anywhere in sight. Later on, I see her best friend there, so naturally she can't be far behind. Her guy friend has at this point definitely seen me and my friends. She's sitting at the bar with some guy running her fingers through his hair and they begin making out. I absolutely cannot believe what I'm seeing. I know she knew I was there and was doing it to make me jealous or hurt me or whatever. As much as I'd like to go punch this guy's face in, I just walk away and leave. Disgusted, dejected, angry, hurt, you name it. It was one of my absolute worst fears come true. Later on that night she calls me at 3 in the morning, drunk, for reasons that I cannot even fathom. I called her out on what I saw and she just replied with a "So, I told you how I felt about you already, we're not together anymore." in a cold harsh tone. I inquired about the guy and she claims to have known him for 3 years now but just started dating him 2 weeks ago. I know this all can't be true since she wasn't being honest with me from the beginning. To be fair though, I asked around if she was seeing anyone about a couple of weeks after she broke things off and from I heard she wasn't. So who knows when she really started talking to this guy or going out with him. I'm completely crushed. On Monday, she sent me an e-mail saying how sorry she was and that she wishes she could make me feel better and apologized for calling me that night. I just don't understand why she's doing this. Could it be that she still has feelings and is trying to keep me close enough as a safety net? Or is she just trying to be as condescending as possible? I just can't believe she's already moved onto someone else already. I just want to know when this all started, mainly did it start when we were still together and she went to him once I was out of the picture, or did she just run into him by coincidence and start going out? I've met all of her guy friends before but I've certainly never seen this one before. I know that you're all going to say just move on and forget about it, but I still have love for her and it hurts like crazy. I'm looking for some answers mostly about what happened or at least some theories. I don't want to hear from her and I will certainly not talk to her or respond to any e-mails if she does try to get in touch. I just have this feeling that she's just using this guy as a rebound (or maybe he's taking advantage of the situation) and when she gets bored or more likely, gets hurt by this guy she'll come running back to me once she realizes that I'm the right one for her. Of course that may never happen either, I just want to have the strength to push her away and move on. Sorry for the long rant. I just needed to vent. There's other details to this story too, but I think for now I've covered most of my bases.