Janim7

Thank you for your advice. This situation is really frustrating me. Because we were always such good friends and we have only seen each other for a week, he lives a while away from me, I dont want anything serious. I just dont understand why things have changed so much... Before we met up and I stayed with him he was texting me around 10 times a day on average, plus a couple of calls, just general how are you's, chit-chat etcetc. And him telling me how much he has missed me, that he willl always be there for me no matter what... Since I have been to see him, even though the day I left he said he was still up for going on holiday together and that I could go and stay with him whenever I wanted, he has hardly been texting. I had to ask him yesterday if I had left some jeans at his, to which he replied straight away "Yeah I found them the other day sweetheart". So I txt him back later saying "Just wondering how I could get my jeans back? And hows u anyway? Been quieter since I've been up to see u... should I take that as a hint? ;o)" ... to which he hasnt replied. If he hadnt of been in contact with me on a daily basis before I saw him I wouldnt think this was strange, as I sometimes take a few days to get back to people... but its such a big change in how he is acting... I want him to realise that I am feeling completely used, but dont want to get in touch with him again until he contacts me, and even then I might wait to get back to him... If he was to tell me he regrets everything happening, or tell me he isnt interested in me that way... then at least I would know! Its the not knowing thats killin me..... it all just seems strange because we have always been such good friends and he has such a caring nature about him, even if it comes accross in a jokey way. Any more advice?!?! lol

I will try and make this short... I came out of a long-term relationship in Novemebr and I have recently got in touch with a lot of old friends. One being someone I have always thought a lot about and we have been texting a lot and "seem" to be thinking the same things about each other. I went to stay with him last week and yes we slept together, which was great. But I really think so much of him, really really like him, always have. Now I am back home and wondering whether I should have moved things so fast or made him wait? We both dont seem to want to admit our feelings, scared to break down the barriers maybe! I have sent him a message tonight saying "are you ever going to let me know how you feel about me, even if its bad, or will i have to wonder forever?"... which he hasnt replied to. I want to stop texting him... I dont want to seem too keen but I dont want him to think I'm not interested and only wanted him for sex, does that make sense? I just wish he would let me know his feelings, then I would know one way or the other. Do you think I should ask him if he is worried he will hurt my feelings? Surely if he didnt want to have anything to do with me he would tell me... ?! We are planning to go on holiday in May but its killin me not knowin if he just wants to be friends or not... Whats anyones advice? He has always been and will always be special to me.

Hiya... Well me and my boyfriend (ex) have split now. I finished things last week, but he was totally in denial and I began to think that maybe him saying he would be better and make me happy was worth giving a chance... which I did... But after a week it got too much, I knew my feelings just werent going to change. I just couldnt get close to him... so I ended up telling him on Monday night it just wouldnt work. He got angry, broke the telephone cables and various other items in the house. I called my parents and they came and picked me up from 3 hours away. Got some stuff together and left. While waiting for my parents he left with a bag of stuff to his mums, just down the road. He said goodbye, hugged me etc and things seemed better than I thought they could be, he was texting me afterwards but it seemed that he was just wanting to know I was ok and he had accepted what had happened. How wrong I was.... he text me this morning and told me he missed me and asked if i miss him too. I told him, yes I miss him, but not in the way he wants, we were together so long that of course i will miss him, but we cant be together. Since then he has been texting saying I cant do what i am doing and some texts have been quite threatening, telling me he will ruin my life like I have ruined his. I have been very scared for my life when I have to go back there... spoken to a police helpline just for some advice, they said just to keep the messages and if it carries on to go in to the local police station in person with all the details when I am back there. I have spoken to him on the phone and he says he is still going to live at the house (after previously saying he wouldnt) so he can make it unpleasant for me in my time left there. All the furniture is mine and he said he will dismantle it all (because he put it together!) I have been left with no choice but to move away, I have no family or anywhere to stay around there and wont feel safe living with him. I told him he can stay there as long as he wants, I will tell the landlords I no longer live there (I have paid the rent up to end of January, which he can use), the electric, gas, water etc is all in my name, so I will cancel those. I have got this week off work as special paid leave for domestic reasons, but if i have to leave that will be my career down the drain!!! (That might not seem so important in comparison to his hurt, but he shouldnt be able to make me so scared it ruins my life, although that is what he wants to do!) I dont know if I have done the right thing... I know I have hurt him but staying with him would be worse in the long run. Its gone beyond that anyway... does he really have an excuse to be acting like this? I know you all have your own opinions about how "us girls" hurt guys, but that really isnt the issue here, I have been honest and done him a favour in the long run(although he wont realise that for a long time), now I have nowhere to turn and I am going to be letting people down. Surely if he loves me as much as he says he does he would let me get on with life (no matter how hard it is for him!) and let me leave in my own time!!! Any advice would be so much appreciated? However harsh or whatever... Thank you I just wish he would be able to realise the way he is acting is wrong.

One major thing he doesnt seem to be able to accept is that he doesnt believe I have given him a chance to prove we can be happy... because, I admit, we never really spoke about it enough before... but he has it in his head that people dont "just fall out of love" and there has got to be a reason for it... but I cant give him any other reason than my feelings have changed. I guess he will see what I meant in the future?!?

Thought I would do an update on my situation and see if anyone has any more advice... This weekend my boyfriend, we hadnt broken up but things were rocky and he knew I wasnt happy, was trying to be really nice to keep me happy etcetc... anyway, he found a text message on my phone from the man I met in Turkey... (although this part of the situation is quite irrelevant now!) Big arguments, he was hurting big time, smashed my phone up and any sim cards I had used! Anyway, skipping quite a bit here... I told him we cant be together and I finished it. He was upset and angry and everything else you would expect, and he left the house with my laptop (to stop me using it!) I stayed at a friends house. He stayed at his dads. Anyway... last night I was at my friends house and he text saying he needed me to come back and was threatening to harm himself if i didnt. But i didnt give in to the emotional blackmail, as much as I care about him and it would break me in pieces if he did do anything so stupid, it would be his decision and not my fault! He was texting again this morning saying he needs me and cant be without me. I said I would come to the house and talk to him so I did that after work... but I cant tell him anything that will make him better. He wants me to say I will give it another chance, but I know deep down that it cant work. Its very tempting as he is promising to change and let me do the things I want to do... he has even suggested to take a "break" so i could go and find out who i am and what i want to do... How it has been left is that I have told him that it wouldnt be fair to him or me to get back together. I said sorry, and the last message I got from him is "SO AM I"... Do you think I am being wrong to ignore him when he is threatening to harm himself? He is at his mums now down the road and I am in the flat, his choice, not mine... but who knows what will happen tomorrow. That was probably all a load of waffle but as you can imagine I'm a bit messed up right now. Yes, I know he is more, but I am upset and do care about him, so it is hard to be doing it to him! Thank you all for all your advice you have given, I have been able to read back on it and it reminds me that people do get through things worse than this... I just hope he does!

I dont believe that all relationships that are started young are failures... because I have seen evidence they are not! But what I am beginning to realise is that this relationship is not for me... its just a shame I didnt realise that before we started renting this place and I chose to live far away from any family and friends! Update on what happened.... I told my boyfriend it was over and that I wasnt in love with him anymore and I want to be happy... but dont yet know what it is that will make me happy, just have to go out there and explore. He was devastated!!! Cutting a long story short he begged with me to give it one more chance... and I decided "why not?!" But made it clear to him if I wasnt happy again I would break up with him for good and wouldnt let him beg me back! But within a few days of all this he is starting to get back to normal, moaning about things I am doing all the time... and I really am not happy... I just dont know how to approach the subject again... if I'm honest I'm a bit worried what his reaction towards me might be.... Anyway... thats where it stands at the moment. Bet you all think I'm awful dont you? I am going to have to move away to get through this I think... Thanks for all your comments

Thank you L8Riser. We live together which is the hardest part and I really have nowhere to go if I want to carry on in my job (for now!) so getting away is the hard part. I think he may go to his mums which will hopefully help. We havent exactly split up yet (officially) but I am already feeling like you say, wanting to make up so its easier on both of us, no hurting, but I just have to think back to the times when I have wanted to be apart and wanted space... hopefully I can stay strong and do it... I just feel so nasty!!! Thanks again for what you wrote, I will make sure I keep looking back at it to stay on track. Cheers

He now says "we are not splitting up" as if he is the one who decides... I know he is hurting and dont want to make it worse... but how do I get it through to him? He says I was fine before i went away... but in my own mind i wasnt, he just didnt know about it...

Thanks for all your replies, they have been good helps 8) I have tried to tell my boyfriend how I am feeling but he just cant understand how I can love him and care for him but not be "in love" with him... he cant stay calm... i start feeling guilty then just give up... because i dont want him to hurt anymore... its so hard... any more advice???

Why do you have to be on your own to find out who you are? Is it because he doesn't let you do things? Is he too controlling? Controlling would be a harsh word to use but I definitely cant do some things because we are together and it would be too much hassle... he would be asking me what i was doing all the time... I dont feel thats what a relationship should be like... not all the time!!!

Thanks for your comments but I am not looking for a "true love" or other relationships... I am looking to find out "who I am" and to do this I feel I have to be on my own. I have been with my boyfriend since I was 15 and there have been many situations wher I have had to miss out on things... its just a shame I havent realised this until now!

Think you misunderstood me then... I just meant it would be better for us to keep this place on for both our sakes until we both decide to move on! I realise I must sound cruel but didnt mean it that way! Cheers

Hunterboy... thank you for your honesty... its nice to see people being honest... I know things might not work out right with whatever i end up doing... but to stay the way it is I would never know!!! Thats what I need to do... my problem is actually doing it!

James... thanks for your reply. Sorry to hear about your break up.. glad it has helped you, even just in a small way! I have been thinking like it for a while now but going on holiday triggered it. We only ever seem to have fun when we are apart from each other and thats why I think its best to be apart... but it has shocked him big time how i am feeling... I'm evil arent i?!?! Things can only get better though I suppose, for me and for him!!! I hope!

Thanks KellBell... I am going to speak with him tonight hopefully and see what happens. After almost 6 years I didnt think it would come to this... I feel so cruel... perhaps I should do!!! Cheers