L8RISER

Our situations are NOT different, Sukerbut. It's ALL the same. We've been there and done that. Life is a lot easier when you realize that your going through the exact same s*** that everyone else on this planet has at somepoint. In fact, our break up stories are probably the one thing that all us total strangers have in common. To let go is to not care.

It's not stooping to his level, it's developng a case against him. What if he send out the pictures by anonymous email? Then it's her word against his.

Blackmail him back! Get him to say what he's going to do, and tape the whole thing. Build up evidence against him. Then let him know it! If he takes you down, he's going with you.

Pianoguy, Your description of your flamboyant, pink shirt wearing schoolmate is perpetuating the very stereotype that is preventing you from meet other gay men. You might be surprised at the variety and cross-section of society which is represented at a gay bar or club - especially in a smaller, more conservative town with few gay bars. Before I went to a gay bar, I had this idea of what gay men were like - the way the media portrays them, like your schoolmate. But after I went, I found out there are actually lots of gay guys like me, lots of gay guys who were just as attractive as those straight guys I had crushes on. Gay guys meet at bars more so than straights because it's one of the few place were people assume you are gay. Not only that, but because it's a bar, people feel more comfortable approaching others. It's a social setting, unlike say a grocery store. It's not necessarily some scary drug and alcohol infested den of inequity - that has more to do with the circle of friends you keep. I found two long term bf's at a club. Nothing bad about that. And think of this, if you, a non-bar person, convinces himself to go to a bar, who's to say a like minded guy isn't also there that night? You'll never know if don't try it. Make some gay friends, go out with them, socialize, have fun, drink pop, and I guarantee you will meet guys. Some you won't be attracted to, some won't develop into a relationship, but eventually if you keep putting yourself out there, you meet someone.

I think it is unfair to say that the "falling out of love" situation is a female one. People fall out of love. It happens to everyone, male and female. People fall out of love because people change. Desire, needs, goals, and personalities are not static things. As people age, they evolve through life experiences, and their priorities change. To say only women fall out of love is to say that men's needs and desires never change; that men as people never develop. Of course that's not true. Who you are today is not who you will be 50 years from now. Sometimes those changes effect your relationships and love life. It's just a characteristic of growing up, not gender. And I don't think we ever stop growing up. There is always soemthing more to learn about ourselves. My parents broke up after 13 years of marriage. They BOTH just fell out of love. It happens. I'm gay, so my ex is of course male. He's left me because he hasn't really had a chance to be single, like your 20-25 yo female ex's. It's not about someone else. It's not about sex (though there is an element of that attached to the reason - but it isn't that simple.) He feels that to develop as a person, to learn about himself, he has to have the opportunity to be on his own; to make his own decisions, and yes, make his own mistakes. Making those kind of mistakes while staying together would end up hurting two people, not just himself. He has to be able to do this on his own, for both of our sakes. I definitely understand that, and don't blame him for it or find fault in his character for feeling that way. His needs have changed, and they are not needs that I can fulfill. No one is to blame for that but life. Still hurts like hell, and I still have those feelings of rejection and anger (even if not entirely justified - just part of healing), but it's something he has to do in order to grow as a person and know what he wants out of life. And it may well be that what he find out is that he wants what he had with me, but he can't know that yet. A couple weeks after breaking up he told me "I think I'm making the biggest mistake of my life (breaking up.)" I said "Yeah you are, but can't truly know that until you've done it. That's why you have to do this." Sad but true. There are lessons that I can't teach him. I've never promised or asked for the promise of unconditional love or everlasting love. Love counts on so many things internal and external, things we can control and things we can't. Things can change. Doesn't mean that the love wasn't really in the past, but that it might not exist in the future. And if that love stops existing for either one of you, well that reason for BOTH of you to accept that it's time to go your separate ways. People break up. If this is your first break up, unfortunately it will probably not be your last. This is my second one, and I know for sure it will happen again. I think the thing to remember though is that a failed relationship doesn't necessarily mean a failure of personality. In fact, though my relationship came to an end, I wouldn't call it a failure at all. We are both definitely better people for having known each other - so how is that a failure? It just came to it's natural end. Hard to accept, but that's reality sometimes.

When we experience fear or stress, our bodies responsed physiologically with the "fight or flight" reaction. It's impossible to be arroused or maintain sexual desires in this state. It's a primitive survival reaction. Imagine how far the human speicies would have gone if the caveman and woman continued banging away when a sabre tooth tiger jumped out from behind a bush? Your sex life or lack there of is causing fears and stress somehow. Get professional help.

eddie500, Pick up any book on healing after a break up and you will find info on NC.

Chuck it! What's the point in keeping them....are you really going to look back at them years from now. They only had significance because you were together. I mean really, imagine yourself a couple years from now, happily coupled with the latest love of your life; are you going to spend a rainy Sunday afternoon reminiscing about a dead relationship? Probably not. After my first relationship, I kept things thinking that they would still be important one day. Truth is, they weren't. Now, when I know that it's really over, everything goes. Birthday cards, post cards, love letters, photos where you look bad and they look great, all those gifts you pretended to love - in the garbage! Harsh? Maybe, but from my experience I've found that to be reality of the situation.

If anyone looks like a LOSER, it's your ex gf and ex buddy. I wouldn't have a lot of respect for someone who could so effortlessly move from one relationship to another, or for a "friend" who would stab you in the back like that. They sound like a couple of a** *****. They deserve each other. Guaranteed those two will eventually be very unhappy together - good! Remove them from your life completely. Forget about them. Think about the future. Develop yourself and build your life. That's the best way to attract people. YOU'RE 23! You have your whole life ahead of you. I guess you started dating your ex around 19. You haven't had a chance to be a single adult. Think of this as an opportunity. I mean if you had stayed together with your ex, wouldn't you have always been curious about what sort of experiences and opportunities you lost out on? Now's your chance. Be single, sow your "wild oats" Your next relationship will be better as a result.

The parts of the brain which control feelings of anger and sadness actually share the same nerve channel. The channel can only be used by one of them at a time. So if you're feeling angry, it's actually impossible to feel sadness. If you don't want to feel sad, get mad. That's why anger (in moderation and vented properly) is so therapeutic.

Well, I think the thing is to not focus on one person. Talk to lots of people, flirt with lots of people, and if the opportunity arises, date some. But I don't think you should necessarily be pursuing someone. If something comes your way, then cool. But let's face it, rejection is the more likely outcome when you're single. Fine when you're comfortably single and generally happy with life, but much too hard to deal with when you recently broke up from LTR. Don't risk being rejected until you can really handle it.

My "yes, i'm gay" moment came after I had sex with another guy. No questions after that - I knew it was right for me. The only way you'll ever know is by trying it out. You said you never wanted to act on your feelings. I think really you probably feel like you can't/shouldn't act on your feelings. If you're thinking sexually about women all the time, then do something about it! The curiosity will get you at some point; might as well happen while you're young and you have your whole life ahead of you. We can't go back in time. Labels seem to have a bad rep. I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with labels. It depends on how you use them. They can divide people, but they can just as easily bring people together. How far would gay rights have gone if nobody stood up and said "I'm gay"? I thought I was bi for the longest time. But that was because I hadn't allowed myself to do anything with another man. After I did, I realized I was gay, and in calling myself gay, I found a community, and friends, and in fact a cause. It wasn't weird and I wasn't alone in how I felt. I wasn't a straight/bi person who thought about men all the time, I was gay - it was normal. I wouldn't change that now even if I could.

You'll find true love again, but now ain't the time to go looking for it. 3-4 months since a break up is not a long time for a four year relationship. I know your feeling very lonely, but you're not going to be able to find a replacement for your ex this soon after a break up (though really you shouldn't ever be looking for a "replacement"). If you get involved with someone right now one of two things will happen: 1) You get dumped or rejected somehow, and feel crushed (again!), or the new person won't live up to the standard of the ex, and you'll feel like you'll never find anyone that good again. Either way you lose. Like everyone here says, right now is all about you. I'm not saying don't date or have sexual encounters, but keep things casual. For me personally, having sexual contact with new people after a break up actually helps me move on. Good for the ego, and lets you know that there is a life after. But you can't go looking for a relationship now. Your going to have good days and bad ones. Just because you have a bad day or even week, don't let that fool you into thinking that you're regressing. It's all part of healing. It's like a long term stock market investment: from week to week the stock might go up and down, but over the entire year, it's a steady and gradual upward climb. Don't cash in your stock just because last week it didn't do so well. You might be missing out on the big haul which has yet to come.

My ex and I also lived together. I had to wait a month and a half before we were really separated. It was really hard. It felt like I was living with a complete stranger who happened to look like someone I knew from a long time ago. I suffered a lot of anxiety, went through all the usual obsessive-compulsive behaviours. I made him stay at a friends house for part of the time, living together was too much to bare. Inconvenient for him, but I was the one who got dumped. In my mind, if you make the decision to break up, then you take responsibility for making it. Giving me space was his responsibility. He might have been pissed off at first when I "kicked" him out, but months from now, a couple weeks on a couch won't seem all that significant. A break up has to be fast and clean. In my first relationship, when I did the dumping, I found myself desperate for find some meaning in everything that happened. I thought, how could all that time and energy spent over 15 months amount to nothing? What was it all for? I had a hard time accepting that after everything we had been through, the relationship would only add to some memories and life experience. I thought there had to be something more. I tried to keep my ex in my life as a friend. I mean we were friends when we were together, so shouldn't that continue. Maybe it was that deep friendship that would give meaning to all that time and energy spent on the relationship. He was desperate to keep me and so would have agreed to any plan that kept us together in some fashion. I also felt guilty and thought, if I was still his friend then I could still be there to support him, to make him feel happy, and lessen the pain he was feeling as a result of the break up I initiated. In the end, I really screwed with his head (he ended up on medication - not just because of me, but I certainly push him over the edge.) I was there, but never how he wanted me to be. I came in and out of his life. When I was away I would miss him, and when I was with him I felt like I was stepping backwards, and sliding into the past - not what I wanted. The guilt I felt became self-perpetuating. I stayed friends partly out of guilt, but the closer I got to him the more guilt I felt, which in turn caused me to try and be even closer. He looked so miserable. But all the guilt and loneliness in the world wouldn't bring me back to him. Things got very messy. Eventually he had enough and forced NC between us. It's really hard to stay friends - especially for the dumped person. When you see your ex, you remember why you left them. But when they see you, they remember why they wanted to be with you again. Causes lots of conflict. If I still cared about him, NC is what I should have done. Are you / is she ready to be friends?: Imagine being out for coffee together and one of you telling the other about this new person they just met. About how happy this person makes them, and how they are everything they were looking for in a partner. If you can both feel nothing but happiness for the other then you're ready to be friends. I know for me it'll take probably 6-8 months before I can stand hearing those things from my ex, and be happy for them. The weird thing is after several months of NC in my first break up, being friends really didn't seem to be so important anymore. I think friendship are really dependent on time and place. Most friendships come and go just like relationships.

Sit on it. Wait a few months and if you still feel like sending it, then send it. I think chances are you'll change your mind - it just won't seem so important anymore. I've got more than a few letters that were never sent.

Wow... Sorry to destory all those romantic notions, but love is most definitely a conditional thing...I'm not gonna give it, if I'm not gonna get it! I don't put money into what I know is a bad investment, but to each his own I guess. One more time: Our situations are NOT unique. Your break up is just a statistic, one of millions. It might seem important to you, but that does not make it different. Go a head, make some noble gesture, tell yourself that this cause is worth throwing yourself on your own sword, and ignore all of us who have been there before - you know better. Rickster, if you and your ex are true friends, then why not tell her how you feel - what you have told us? Why keep it a secret? I suspect we all know the answer to that. Well, nuff said. Can save those who won't save themselves. Rickster gonna have to learn the hard - good luck. We're all here when your're ready.

There isn't really an easy way to break up if you still care about the other person. You just have to be straight to the point. Tell him why; tell him that it's not him, it's you (sounds like BS to the dumpee at first, but sometimes it really is true, and eventually they will see that); and then give them some time and space to allow it all to sink in. Don't hang around discussing things in depth or arguing. You'll have an overwhelming desire to sit it out and try to explain every little thing to them, hoping they will suddenly understand and agree with you. But really the last thing someone who was dumped wants to hear is minuet detail about why you don't want to be with them. Just make your point and get out. If they have questions later, answer them later. You can't give the other person any reason to think they have the slightest chance. It'll be devastating to them, and it may kill you to see them is such anguish, but you have to remain strong and be very clear about what you want. Giving them any "way-out"s or "maybe-if"s will just extend the pain and draw things out. Initially, the other person will say or do anything to get you back. They'll go through denial, and deal making. It will pass, but only if you ignore it. If you respond to that sort of thing, you will encourage it. Also, be prepared for them to suddenly become angry with you. At first they will be overly nice and compromising, but when that doesn't work, they'll become very pissed off. It will happen regardless of whether you did anything wrong or not, so don't take it personally. It's all part of the grief process. Even through they may act like they hate you, really deep down it's because they are still in love with you. Again, ignore it. I take it you probably haven't been through this sort of thing yet. Be prepared to feel things that you thought you never would. You will miss them more than you can even imagine. You'll feel like you were the one dumped. You'll feel like you've made the biggest mistake of you life, and that you'll never find someone like the person you just rejected. It really is shocking how wrong you will feel about doing something that you know is so right in your head. Whatever you do, do not act on these feelings. As much as the dumped person, your mind will be clouded by very confusing emotions. Don't make anymore decisions until you are think with your head again, and not with your heart. And when all is said and done - No Contact. It gets said to dumpees all the time, but as the dumper you too should be practicing that. If they call you, don't respond. Maybe one day you would like to still be friends. Give it time, a lot of time. And wait for them to make that decision - it's their choice. You're going to feel very lonely, and probably will think about getting back together. Just remember why you decided to break up and ask yourself if anything has change - besides being lonely now. And be prepared to take a long time to recover. I took several months to get over a 15 month relationship. I was the dumper, and it wasn't even a good relationship. Also, some days will be better than others. You might have a great week, and feel like the end is in sight only to drop into depression the next week. It'll be up and down, but eventually the ups will out number the downs. Remember, staying with someone who you don't want to be with will hurt them more than leaving them. You've got to be happy to make them happy.

Having sex a couple times with the same gender does not mean you are gay or bi...though it could. Some gay men used to be married. You'll just have to wait n see.

Try kissing your momma! You get a hard on cuz it's a sexual act...touching can do the same thing.

Sleeping with women and liking women are too different things. I know of gay men who used to be married, have kids, etc. Who knew?

Full-blown bisexual? You are either bi or you are not. The degree part of it is in relation to which gender you are more attracted to. 20/80 girl/boy - bisexual. 50/50 - bisexual. 80/20 - bisexual. You even said that yourself. Now you could say a little bit gay...which would mean bisexual. But you can't say a little bit bisexual! Honestly, I don't put a lot a faith in the old "emotionally attracted" line. It just sounds a lot like closet-talk to me. I use to say to myself that I was bi because I was only physically attracted to men, and emotionally attracted to women. That was becuase I had never been with a guy before. Sex is a very powerful thing, and as much as we like to think that we are above the carnal nature of lust, it still controls so much of who we are. I really don't know how you can separate who you sleep with from who you fall in love with. Not to say that people don't have sex without falling in love, but that love and sex are so tighty woven together that one inevitaby and eventually leads to the other regardless of the gender you are sleeping with. I don't think there is anything gay or bi about a straight man who likes anal sex. But with another man, HELLO! You are asserting that anal sex is gay sex. It's not. You are right, just because he prefers to have anal sex does not mean he is oriented as gay or bi. It's not about the type act, but who you preform it with. Blow jobs can be gay or straight, all depends. I realise we are arguing semantics, but I think they are important ones.

Oh man... I hate soap operas. I'm 170 lbs at 6'. I read, but I don't talk about books. And I'm gay. Like the forest Gump line...Gay is what gay does! Who you have sex with is what defines your sexuality. There are as many types of gay people as there are types of straight people. OK...one more time. Nothing left for "life to sort out"...No questions yet to be answered...no vague facts...Nothing left to be revealed in time... YOUR COUSIN IS BISEXUAL...an MAYBE GAY! (that's the only question I suppose - I was wrong.) Man on Man sex once: Maybe straight. Man on Man sex twice: Maybe straight. Lots of Man on Man sex in the past and maybe in the future: DEFINITELTY NOT STRAIGHT. We have a winner! Go collect your money. But anyway, why do you care? (Besides the bet...which is kinda cold.)

No matter how long I had gone without sex, I would NEVER NEVER EVER have anal sex with a woman. EVER! The thought of it grosses me out! (sorry girls - nothing personal) I am an exclusively gay man, so conversley the opposite should be true of a truly straight man (no annual with a guy.) I wouldn't even touch a plastic butt if it was moulded from a woman. I believe the clinical definition of bisexuality is actual someone who has SEX with both genders, emotional bond or otherwise. I know many, many, many gay men who have sex with other men, and don't want a relationship, full-blown or partial. So they might not really be gay after all? There may be different degrees of bisexuality, but you either is or you ain't. Once you step over the just-experimenting line, you are in the realm of bisexuality. My sexual orientation is gay. thereforeeee, my "choices/preferences" in sex are gay. Same, same. If I "choosed" to have annaul sex with a woman, then that would speak of my orientation.It is only in extreme situations were this may not be true, ie prison. But then they don't have a choice -period. So in that case its not about preferences. Unles you are in an exceptional circumstance, your choices do dictate your orientation, or rather, truly the the other way around.

Janim, I'm in the same situation as you...only further down the time line - 2 months since the break up. Also I am in the position of your bf. As the person who got dumped I can tell you that while I hate breaking up, I can't blame my ex for feeling the way he did. Your reasons are valid ones. People change and sometimes that chnage cause people to move apart. Don't blame yourself for feeling the way you do. Whatever decision you make, base it on what is best for you. You should always be the most important person in your life. Your bf might be a close second, but I know in my situation, I wouldn't want my ex to have stayed with me because he felt he had to - only if he wanted to because that was what was best for him. It wasn't. I hate it, but that's life.

Sum it up to life experience. We learn from every relationship that we're in. Sometimes it's a whole bunch of "what-not-to-do's" But either way, we get better at relationships through more experince. The next one will be better. And the one after that even better.