Demond34

DN, what do you mean it very often means that the dumpers will be even more sure they did the right thing? Are you saying the dumpees shouldn't lay down so easily(but actually hard as hell)? Lets say(in my case) the dumper was confused on what she wanted to do with her life but pulled away, depressed and crying, never actually uttering the words its over, still saying I love you but was planning on moving away. Whats one to do? You can't stand in the way of someones happiness? I just finally said I can't be there for you as a friend right now, I wish i could, but my feelings run deeper than that and it hurts to see u leave and talk to you, ....... That was 2 days ago, the last time we spoke, I mean basically what you're saying is that I did the wrong thing.........but I thought it was the noble thing to do, letting someone you love go and let her do what she wants with her life. Everyone preaches NC for yourself but I'm curious to see why it makes it more clear that the dumper did the right thing and what you suggest someone does?

Man thats a tough situation..........6 years is a long time to be with someone........but she's getting to that age, where she feels she needs to be independent.........you have to let her be......... it doesn't mean she wants to go out and meet other men.....(if she does that defeats the whole purpose of her wanting to find herself) and that just means she wasn't right for you..... if you maintain contact with her, even if its low contact you will get hot and cold vibes from her. One minute she'll want to be with you and the next she'll be a total stranger like you mentioned..... What you have to do is let her go for the time being? Its so tough but you have to.....shes the one thats considering this so give this to her........When you see her, you have to be able to handle her presense and just be polite and nice around her, that doesnt mean you can't go home and let your feelings out behind closed doors or in the shower, just don't show it in front of her.............. Don't talk about the relationship with her just yet, when and if she decides she wants too, she will. Also, I suggest talking to people about it too but do not use the same circle of friends you guys have, you do not want it getting back to your ex..... Just take it one day at a time, think about the mistakes you made in the relationship first and foremost and ways you can improve on that....stay busy and focus on yourself for the time being..... Shes focusing on her needs as well u should too. It aint easy bro, I've been there and going thru the same crap. You'll get urges to call them and tell them how much you love them, it doesn't do any good, I'm sure she knows you do, right now shes questioning hers........just be patient and step back and reevaluate you're feelings.

Maybe someone can clarify this for me...... I know the reason behind NC is so that the (dumpee) can heal and move on, almost like Out of sight, out of mind...... But if that happens to the (dumpee) why doesn't it also happen to the dumper? After all they are the ones who did the leaving, albeit on good terms or bad terms, they still left. So why isn't it out of sight out of mind for them. Why do we assume NC lets the dumpees heal and the dumpers, miss them?

nice post majord23...........so true

holy crap, good going man, I remember you last year.....i thought there was no way you were going to let her back in after what she was doing to you. I remember that you were moving away but had to remain in contact with each other because of your kid.............I'm glad everything is going good for you, thats great!

Thanks for the response To answer your ?'s......I would like to see us get back.....about her leaving and not coming back, I vaguely asked her about that when we went out eat about her looking for a job and a place down there and she said she hasnt thought about it, she didnt think she would quit her job now.......can the relationship carry on and grow....I say absolutely if both parties are willing to work at it. We've been through alot together, in which she stuck by me through 2 years of my troubling times, but in the long run that has effected her and she brought that up last week, that she still thinks about the hurt of losing me and me not being there for her and she thinks she didnt heal from that......even though it was out of both of our control. However, the communication is lacking on her end. She holds everything in until shes at her breaking point. Then she makes rash decisions and points the finger at someone else and takes no responsibility for her actions or that I'm supposed to accept them. I'm getting tired. I don't want to lose her but I also don't want to get played a fool

Me and my g/f/x....whatever you want to call her, have been in NC for a week. Some quick info, over 5 year relationship, I'm 24 she turns 25 next week...There was a huge roadblock for 20 months of the relationship that we were to overcome.(it resulted in me having to go away in which she stuck by my side). Last year right before summer, we had a fallout(in which i contributed), in which she strung me along for a few months, i finally backed down and then we ended up getting back together.... We were together again for the last 6 months...she was staying over every night, got a christmas tree together, just everything was good.... We even took a trip to wash d.c., in which it was an x-mas present to me.... That was 3 weeks ago.. Since then the following week she started to pull away... So I backed away and was like oh boy here we go again. She stopped staying over and started to call less, I started to call less.. When we did talk, she was miserable talking about how everything is my way(which is far from the truth) it seems everything is her way but when I would bring that up, she didnt want to be bothered by it...... SO i said fine and stopped calling. She called a week later and I had known that she was at my house ealier(she has a key) to get a dvd she borrowed from her girl friend. But she didnt bother to grab any of her stuff, clothes, boots, perfume, her tv and other little stuff...... Anyway, we went out to eat the day she called. Everything was small talk with a little bit of the relationship intertwined. Also, about the trip shes taking to north carolina to visit her friend, she told me she doesnt know how long she'll be. She came back to my house to watch a show, in which she snuggled up to me until it was over and then she left with a hug and bite on my ear. Thats the last I've seen her and I talked to her briefly the next day. I decided to stop getting dragged along. I told myself I won't chase like a puppy, like I did last year. Heres my dilemma, since shes making the choice also not to call, to go away over easter break and over her birthday, without even a second thought......Do I call to see if she made it alright first off and do I call her on easter or her birthday? Granted she never said we were over(but obviously something isn't right) Also, she quit her job as a manager and has nothing to come back too and where she is going is a place she wanted to move last year.............. I've debated from posting, just because its something I should deal with but maybe an outsider's view could help. I love her but know that i've been shown little respect. She seems to run away from her problems and she always paints herself as the victim in every situation(jobs, me and family).......Such a different person than I used to know......I think shes depressed.... Do I show her I still care or do I just let it go? Should note she called me yesterday morning in which I did not answer, she leaves tom.

I know what you mean, about them turning everything on you, making you feel like you're the reason they are so unhappy and don't meet their needs but they won't end it so they don't feel guilty........ When in reality its what they want.........they push you away until you make the decision.............when that happens its usually to late, they don't break up with you over night, i believe its a gradual process thats planned out...........she still cares and loves you but the intial shock of you not being in her life probably made her re-think her decision thats why she was apologizing and crying.......She missed you........I don't know what to tell you to do.......since I don't know what I should do........I would say to be cautious(like you said) and let her do the contacting, its up to you if you can handle responding to it, only you know.....take care

bmar, I've experienced the pain you went thru.......whats worse, is that she came back shortly after and we spent the next 6 months together, only to be left in limbo again(right now)........I'm dealing with this again and it feels the same as the first, only this time I'm not chasing her like I did last summer.........It kills me to not talk to her, it kills me to even write about it...........The only thing I can say is that when I was starting to move on it was because of a)time and b) this site........then she reappeared, she too had a hard time of letting go...........I don't know what the future holds for us, nor does anyone about their Ex's...........you can only feel your emotions and let them flow, look back into the relationship and see your faults, learn about yourself, let time and nature run its course and you will gradually get better with each and every passing day.......... I was about to call my g/f/ex.......i don't even know what she is right now.......but I reached out to a friend first and asked him why I shouldn't call her and just asked for some encouraging words...........I won't call her.............surround yourself with good people and frequent this site for advice, help, or just encouraging words to give you strength back over your life during this paralyzing time..........

FCTex, I remember you last year going thru your problems and I can see that you definitely have grown.......good for you....i'm glad things are loooking up for you

I know what you mean about the anxiety waking up in the morning. I used to get it every morning after my break up, but it was gone as soon as I got to work also or doing other things, b/c my mind wasn't thinking of her...... I take a multi-vitamin, Vitamin B complex, Vitamin C complex and green tea extract........I would definitely recommend you supplement a multi-vitamin, b/c its hard for anyone to obtain all the vitamins they need thru whole food........and also look into getting a vitamin B complex it promotes mental health and its safe to combine the 2, even though there is Vitamin B in the multi......you will just excrete the excess......if you have any questions u know how to get a hold of me

Good post Dave

Check your PM bro.... She expects way to much if a card and rose will catch her off guard. But I really think thats what you should do. Set some boundaries for yourself and do whats ultimately best for you and your well-being. I know you've exhausted almost every option except breaking up and that's a very hard decision to make especially for how much you care for her. I wrote a book to you, in the PM.. Take a look and get back to me. Keep your head up man, you're living and thats all we can ask for....... I like the new setup on the site here by the way, not bad.....haven't been here in awhile, sorry....

Don't reply. If you truly want to get over her, just let her go. If your leaving the opportunity to renconcile, she'll have to make more of an effort than a text message. Just leave it be for now, let her experience her new house and the new things in her life and don't even worry about it. Just do your thing and the things you like. She'll make it more obvious if she wants to be with you.

Do it tom. or the next day. No rush but you dont need to wait a week either. Play it slow with this girl and don't depend on her to make you HAPPY. Do that for you and only you.... Yeah she maybe the first girl thats given you the slightest attention but she won't be the last. remember that...YOU ARE SINGLE NOW...Its not so bad afterall...You can do whatever you want, when you want and with who you want. Things will start to pick up for you once you get out of you funk. This girl needs to see the real you, not the "just broke up with my ex, feeling sorry for myself, show me some attention please" guy. Thats not harsh, its reality, and you're not alone, most of us been there and in your shoes or we wouldnt be here today. All I can say brother, be positive on life and be confident in the person you are. Stand on your own two feet without the aid of someone else. When the time is right, you simply ask her for her number, its that easy. If she's comfortable in giving it to you she will. If she doesn't then just leave it be and move onto the next. Good luck man

Well, I can say things have definitely changed. My g/f has made a 180 from the way she was acting. No more ups and downs, no more distancing. Actually its the opposite. She calls 4 times to my 1. Wanting to hang out and see me almost everyday. Its definitely a different scenario then where i was 2 months ago. She wants to be together and has shown me as of late. This forum helped me get thru all this. I thank all that have helped. The sad thruth is that the couple of stretches of NC I had and when I made it clear that I was done with the games she was playing and was willing to walk away were the only times she let her guard down and came back. Our relationship has been good for the last 2 weeks but theres alot that needs to be worked on and it will, but i'm taking it slow for now and still standing back but enjoying the moments.

Yeah definitely back off. SOunds to me like you are coming on way to strong. relax and just play it slow. You keep doing what you are doing and you'll never hear from this girl again. It also doesn't sound like you are healed either, just trying to fill that void of you ex. Keep things simple between you and this other girl for now and don't make yourself look so desperate in front of her. Good luck man

I hope to have a degree by 26. I'm 24 and I am going back to school to get my degree. If it is something you think you'll enjoy then go for it. What do you mean by being unfulfilled? The pay?, responsibility?, just not being happy?.... You say its a risk, but you'll be widening your qualifications for future jobs. Not having a b/f might be a good thing for now because you'll be able to do what you want and seize any opportunities that come your way. In 15 years I'm sure you wouldn't want to look back and regret atleast not trying it. But I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide.

He said he wants space, so give it to him. He won't forget about you, 4.5 years is a long time. Unless you're not human, theres no way he can forget about you in that short of time, if at all. Take a step back, work on yourself and make yourself happy without him. Let him have the space he wants. You say he is the only one for you. Don't lower yourself and put him up on a pedalstool and constantly look up at him. You will only get walked over. Its hard, especially since it was such a long relationship, but don't depend on him for your own happiness. It takes time to get to that point, but do it for YOU and not him. I'm sure he will be in contact with you, just be careful, but be yourself and don't put any pressure on him with relationship talk.

Well last nite, she came over to exchange the things we had of each others from the beach. The thing is she didnt seem too anxious to leave. She asked me why I dressed up, I said b/c I want to leave a lasting impression and her reply was "stop, don't talk like that". I mentioned to her i was going to blockbuster, so she offered to take me and i accepted. When we were there, she placed her face on my shoulder, like she did so many times in the past. I shrugged it off and just went about my business looking for a movie. Now me, I'm thinking this is the last time I'm going to see her and start doing NC. SO when we get back to my place, we just sat in her car in silence for a little bit and i said, i don't want to get out. She said don't and that we can stay here all nite, then made a move to grab my neck and pull me over for a hug. I didn't budge and told her I can't do this anymore. The games that are being played. I've reached out to her the last 3 months for her and she kept holding out her arms and pulling them back. It was just a viscious cycle, that put me thru hell. She is definitely not over me as I could see the tears in her eyes. The way she was silent and obviously hurt. I don't know what the hell is going on. I told her that I thought this is what she wanted, her space, her freedom. I'm willing to give it to her and let her go even though it hurts so bad. But its like everytime I do, she acts like its not what she wants. I left the offer on the table for her to call me to come over tonite, to watch our favorite tv show and then the movie I got. If she doesn't call or doesn't come over, I will be going straight to NC. As I am not playing anymore games and NC will not be used for her to miss me but for me to get over her and the crap that has come with it as of late.

We ended up talking last nite, and i just asked her to make 5 mins for me today so we can exchange things and move on from each other. So I guess this is it the last I will see of her. Yesterday, on the phone it sounded like she was back peddaling from alot of the comments she has made over the last few months but still trying to blame me for alot. Either way, I told her I was done with the games and that she should not call me at all b/c I will not settle for a friendship or settle for being her b/f until she decides to move. I have no idea what I'm gonna say to her tonite, i have so much to say, but I'll probably end up saying nothing at all.

Was the breakup something you wanted or was it his doing, or both? If hes calling to hang out, does he show any signs of reconcilliation, or is it that he just wants to be friends? If its friends that you dont want, back away until you can get over him and view him as a friend. You have to do whats best for you, right now, and cut off the chance of being strung along and getting hurt more. Talk to him and see what exactly he wants and if you don't feel comfortable with the answer, then remove yourself from the situation.

She called my work phone, and got me. There was no way I could of avoided it. It was about a 20 min convo... I don't even feel like talking about it, its just a head scratcher.... Back to square one....

So far she has called twice this morning, which I did not answer. She left a voice mail on the 2nd one, telling me to call her back, that she has stuff she needs to get back to me. She sounded like she had ice water running thru her veins. The whole weekend went by, she could of called then. Anyway, just hearing her voice made me get that jittery feeling, now its got me thinking. I don't think I even want to see her or hear or anymore.