Demond34

Its not that I'm strong, nor do I want her to go. But if I try and convince her to stay, all she'll have is resentment towards me and we'll keep going down this same path. I just know its best if I let her go, for her and for me. I dont understand how they can be so good one day and so cold and distant the next either. Tell you one thing and act a certain way one day and be the polar opposite the next. Its mind boggling. I look at it now, as this isnt the person I fell in love with. The person I fell in love with was the girl that had compassion, love and cared about not only her feelings but mine also and wanted the relationship to work no matter what and strived for that. Now her thinking is me, me, me. I'm going to do this and i'm going to do that. After 5 years, its completely different, she needs to be independent, well god bless her..... Now I can act all needy and clingy and be viewed as a wimp in her eyes or I can have some dignity and know that my life won't end without her. I don't deserve to be walked over, strung along only to be crushed again. I'll let her know I love her, I'll let her know I want to be with her but I DOn't NEED her, I'll know I tried to make it work and gasve it my best. I'm holding onto how she used to be, right now the way shes been does nothing for me emotionally or physically, in a good way anyway. I never in a million years thought me and her would split up. She was in love, head over heels, and i knew without a doubt, she constantly told me and showed me(tended to be too much). People definitely change, now you cant get them to change, they change themselves. Maybe she will change back to her loving self to me, maybe she wont. In the end, all I know is I love me some me (I stole that from TO). Afterall thats all we got, well of course our family too, but you know what i mean.

Bounder To your question, yes i do think we will. I have been on a roller coaster ride the last 2 months with her. We looked at engagement rings together, went to the beach together and are goin again on sunday. But at the same time, she doesnt stay over any more, is distant with her emotions, sorta leaves me in the dark and in the end she's set on moving 3 states away, very soon. I told her to just tell me you don't love me anymore or like you used to. Her response was I can't cuz that would be a lie. SO I ask myself, ok, she loves me but wants to move away. I just don't get it. Once she does leave, I don't plan on continuing the relationship. Shes been very selfish lately and stubborn as all hell. If you want to be with someone and want a life together, I'm sorry but you just don't pick up leave. You atleast communicate and would want to do it together, but she's on this independent kick. Well, I'll give her a good luck and a pat on the back.... So long to 5 years!

Bounder I sort of laughed at what you wrote about your girl changing. Not b/c its funny but its what is happening to me. Call it role reversal or something. After we broke up but got back together, all the things she used to do and things she used to say all disappeared. Meanwhile, I was doing things i normally didnt do in the relationship, i was doing more and more for her, more open about my feelings, i showed my love all the time, but my gut tells me something is wrong. After 5 years I better be able to pick up the little things that are missing. Its amazing, how when she would always ask me in the beginning and middle of the relationship if we would be together forever, I would joke and say I cant predict the future. She was all about me and now, well it seems I could drop dead tom and she wouldnt care. 5 years ago i didnt want to get in this relationship, 5 yrs later i dont want to get out, What the hell is wrong with me? ehm doubleyou I suggest you take it slow and easy, dont force her hand. If anytime you don't feel like you're getting what you need out of the relationship, then you'll have to make the decision of backing off. You can get someone to change their mind, you can't get them to change their heart, she will have to do that on her own.

I wish I knew what to tell you. Its like they have their own agenda but still can't tell you what it is. I've been having this problem too, she loves me but is going to move away from me. um, ok? I said just tell me you don't love me the way you did, thats all i want to hear from you. SHe said I can't, it would be a lie. um ok again. I ask the question, would anybody move away from someone that they love and want to be with? My answer would be no. But to come back to your case, it seems like she knows what she wants and that is, to be selfish. She forced herself out of love? I can see her protecting herself and putting her guard up but forcing herself out of love? I don't buy it. I've been following your posts and was wondering when you were gonna come back on an update. It seems you're doing really well except for the mind games she's still playing. I wish it were easier and spelled out in black in white, but its not. SO just do what you want to do or have to do. It hurts, it sucks but there will be better days.

I've heard good things about Austin, TX. I have an Aunt who lives in Houston (Don't know how far one another is) but me and my cousin are making plans to visit her, then take a trip to Austin.

My top spot is New Orleans and Vegas 3rd. Interesting site!

Anybody ever been to Phoenix AZ- Orlando-FL, or Austin-TX? Thanks for the replies. I'm not looking for the "perfect city", just a city where I can start a new life. I've been doing plenty of research of schools in the area and what I can find out about the city itself. I'll never be able to travel to them all and check them out, just looking for opinions of what other people experienced. Biased or not, I'll welcome them all.

I would like to get the opinion of others on this forum about what is the best city they lived in or been through or visited. What I'm looking for in a city, is economic growth, good nightlife, affordable living, pretty clean city, people are friendly and colleges where I can continue my degree. I'm looking to continue my sports management degree, so a city with a good sports atmosphere would be a plus.

You should start with warming up on the bike or treadmill for 5 to 10 mins to get a sweat going and increase your heart rate. Then go to the weights and pick a weight where you can lift it between 12-15 times 3 sets of each. To get lean, you need to cut down the rest time in between sets. So look at a clock or count 30 secs to 1 minute and start your next set. DO this the enitre routine, which will keep your heart rate up. After the weights then jump back onto the cardio and do this for 20 to 30 mins. Watch your diet, drink plenty of water and the results should come.

First, don't keep weighing yourself everyday. Use your mirror as a guage and the way you feel and the way your clothes fit, also. If you are working out 4 or 5 times a week, its essential that you drink half your body weight in ounces of water throughout the day to stay hydrated. Pick yourself up a multivitamin. There are alot of multi-vitamins out there that are designed just for women. Instead of eating nuts and dried fruit during work, grab yourself a protein bar or make a protein shake and bring it with you to work. You should be eating 4-6 small meals a day, instead of the normal 3 meals. A protein bar or a protein shake can account for one of the meals. Make sure you eat breakfast, this will jumpstart your metabolism and prevent over eating later in the day. If you really want to burn the fat, go for a run before your morning shower. Your body needs energy for this and it will convert your fat to energy since you are on an empty stomach. Dont go all out if you start to do this, do 10 mins one day, 12 the next time and so on. When you're in the gym, go over to the bike or tread mill and warm up for 5 mins. Then do some stretching. After that, start your weightlifting routine. It shouldn't last more than 35 mins and between sets only rest 30 secs to 1 minute. Your sets should consist of 3 sets at 10 reps a set. DOnt worry you wont bulk up, you'll tone up. If you only lift 3 times a week, then you should be doing a full body workout, with a day of rest in between, for ex. MOn, wed, and fri. If you choose to lift 5 times a week, I would recommend a body part a day. For ex. mon-back, tues-shoulders, wed-legs, thur-chest, fri-arms. After the weightlifting, jump on the cardio for atleast 20 mins, then stretch afterwards. A 3 day routine should last no more than an hour and 20 mins, a 5 day routine should last no more than 50 mins. Foods to eat, chicken, fish(has omega 3 fats, these are the good fats and are a must have), veggies and fruit. Lots of water and if u must drink soda, make it diet, if you must drink coffee, don't add sugar. Also snack on yogurt. You can eat nuts but eat the recommended serving size, nuts are good but only in limited amounts. Its all about self-control and self-discipline. good luck

Thanks for your response. I think you're right on about her having to heal and get over some things. I have to remain patient and show her I love her but at the same time not forcing it down her throat and overwhelming her and pushing her away. I don't think she's ready to let her walls down and let me back in fully 100%. I just hope she eventually will, and I'll know when she has.

I've posted my story on here awhile ago. In the breakup section. Since then we have gotten back together. The thing is, I'm not sure if she'll ever get back to the way she was, when i had no doubt she was in love. I'm left with thoughts rattling in my head of does she love me and just guarded?, is she not really in love with me?, or she is just biding her time until she gets the opportunity to move and its out of sight out of mind? Here's my dilemma, since we've been back shes been hot and cold. We looked at engagement rings and so forth, I went with her to the hospital to see her newborn nephews, been out to eat. We even drove down to the Beach over the weekend to hang out with my cousin and his family. She's coming over to my nephews party in 2 weeks and she even asked me to go back down to the beach with her and her friends. SHe has been around my family again and I have been to her house again. But also since we've been back together, the I love you's are barely said(except when we were at the beach and she was drinking and the I love you's were every other word along with the kisses), her tone of voice is so different on the phone and in person, she doesn't iniate contact at all(before she'd always be touching me, playing with my hair, rubbing my back), no intimacy in a month, doesn't seem to get excited as much about the little things between us. We dont hang out as much, after being on the phone its just good bye, not I love you or I'll call you tom. or tonite. She doesn't stay over anymore, she used to all the time before the split. It's almost like role reversal. I was that way at times in our relationship and this caused problems. So obviously, thats what I'm working on. But its like now that she has it or atleast sees my efforts, it seems like it still doesnt make her happy. So I'm left dumbfounded. I still think shes slightly depressed or just confused with life. She says she loves me, but its definitely not the way, or doesnt show it the way she used to. Will it ever come back? I don't force it on her, I try and give her the space she needs. I don't call much and I haven't been asking to hang out much. I usually let her do that. I dont want to put any pressure on her, but I don't know how long I'll take the confusion. B/c I know if she was in the love the way it was, she'd definitely act differently towards me. Anything I can do to increase her interest? Stay away more? Do little things for her, like she used to do for me? I want to be the nice guy for her, do things for her, show her I love her but I don't want to be walked over and be a doormat and her crush me again. Its almost like a catch 22. I want it to work, but i'm tired too. I think thats how she felt going into the break up. Any advice?

Here is an article from askmen. com, that could be of some interest to you confusedashell. I'll paste it here for ya. IT is not your situation but some of the doc's responses could be used for your situation. This week's letter comes from a man who began dating a woman after recently divorcing. His new girlfriend left him because he kept hanging out with his ex's father and although she claims that she still loves him and wants him back, she has made no attempt to prove it. reader's question Hi Doc, About a year ago, I began dating this woman whom I truly believe is my soul mate. I was going through a divorce when I began dating her and although my marriage was over, it was difficult to let my ex's family go. After all, I was with my ex-wife for 10 years and naturally became best friends with her father. This put a strain on my new relationship and, because I kept hanging out with my ex-father-in-law, she left me because she thought that I didn't really love her. Now she's dating another man, but whenever I talk with her, she tells me that she's confused and still cares about me, and now realizes what I was going through when we were dating. She confessed that she wants to get married and start a family, but the man she's currently dating doesn't want any of those things. She claims that this guy isn't for her and she just needs to sort things out. She says that there may be a chance for us to start over and I told her that I stopped seeing my ex's family. The thing is that although she's constantly saying that there's hope, she hasn't made any moves to prove it. I think it's because I constantly tell this woman how much I love and miss her, but I know she is the one I have been searching for all my life. My question is this: Should I not be telling this woman how I feel because she will remain comforted knowing that I will be there for her when she's ready? Should I stay away from her and see if she chases after me? Miles -- who greatly appreciates any suggestions doc love's answer Hi Miles, This scenario brings to mind the immortal words of Elvis Presley: "A hardheaded woman, a softhearted man, been the cause of trouble ever since the world began." Her excuse for leaving was lame. If you had been hanging out with your ex-wife, then your girlfriend would certainly have had good reason to be troubled. But your desire to remain buddies with your ex's father shouldn't have been an issue in your relationship. He's simply another guy, a friend. So what? Your "soul mate" is either incredibly insecure or was just latching on to that particular situation as a convenient excuse to dump you when her Interest Level had sunk beyond the point of no return. To you psych majors: It's a rare woman who will tell you what you actually did to lower her Interest Level. The key for you, Miles, is not to get seduced by this gal's rhetoric. She says that she loves you and that she sees no future with her new guy, but guess what? The weeks and months are flying by, and she's still with him. She's playing both of you, dude. She gets an "F" in the integrity department. Or as my cousin, Fast Eddie Love, would say, "She should be selling used cars." she speaks a different language You might want to ask your true love this: "If you're 100% sure that your current beau is not the guy for you, why, for crying out loud, are you still with him?" But don't expect a legitimate answer because there is none. All you will hear from her is Womanese. Whenever a woman tries to justify her lack of commitment with any of the following phrases, don't buy it because she's full of more BS than a fertilizer factory: "I'm confused." "I have to sort things out." "Please be patient with me." Miles, you are not handling this situation well at all. This woman knows that you'll do anything for her approval, so she can't have much respect for you. And you should not be revealing anything about your feelings because she doesn't deserve it. She has dissed you to the max and what you should be doing is moving on, studying "The System" and learning from your mistakes; not fantasizing about how this is somehow going to work out. run, don't walk So yes, you should stay away from her, completely. But when you do, be aware that she won't like the feeling of losing total control over you, so she'll probably up the ante and give you an extra big, new, juicy fix of false hope. Your test, your trial by fire, Miles, is to avoid falling for it when it comes. As far as I'm concerned, you're lucky that she got rid of you. She's about as trustworthy as a paid snitch and not someone you'd want as the mother of your children. Oh, and one more thing. You should take your ex's family back -- they really loved you. Remember guys, her words mean nothing; only her actions count.

Listen to what she is saying. She said she likes it this way, b/c its the way it used to be. When she WAS IN LOVE WITH YOU!. This is progress and if you push what you are holding back onto her, then you're gonna set this situation back and push her away. If you can't take it anymore, write everything you wanna say down in a letter but don't send it, but date it. Continue to do what you are doing. Slow and easy, no pressure on her. Write everyday and keep a journal if you must, but don't show her. Listen to what she has to say and she'll be around when she's ready to face you. Right now, my man, you are powerless over her emotions and feelings and you have to accept that. Don't jump to soon.

Well said, NJRon. He's right, do whats best for you and your child, at the same time it'll give her space and clarity of the situation unfolding. She said its so final, then gives you a kiss. Of course she still has feelings for you and they will show thru, especially in the confused state of mind shes in. It seems she doesn't know if shes coming or going. ONe day HOT, one day cold. When you want to talk and work it out, she has no time and doesn't want to deal with it, when you mention the divorce or tell her not to come over or call, she calls or comes over. I'll use the shadow analogy again. Women are like shadows, when you chase them, they disappear, when you walk away, they follow. Especially the way shes been thinking of as of late. Its definitely to early to try and make it work. You'll be thinking of all the things she has said the past month and wonder why and have that doubt if its going to happen again. Heal first and show your son a strong man and do whats best for him.

I'm not trying to be harsh or negative or any of that. It was actually sort of a joke. But 99% of the people that come on here to post for help (including me, are doing it for themselves, not for someone else(initially). Like she said, free therapy. People offer great advice and help alot of people. I'm not saying calling him is a selfish move, but in turn, could set her free and possibly him. He could be thinking of her right now, maybe he's got questions and wants to say a few things, see what shes up too, but doesn't want to contact her (well she said he has no way to contact her) b/c of the way things ended. Its a risk to call up and the possibility of old feelings creeping in, or the opposite can happen in which she's able to move on without any doubts or curiosity lingering. No two people are wired the same and I don't think there is a right answer for what she should do. Its a matter of opinion. She knows what shes going to do and thats great. I'm just trying to be objective about the situation and give her another point of view.

I'm going to say contact him. You say you don't want to get back together with him (i'm sure hes moved on by now) but you also say you know why he came into your life. But things ended badly and you just picked up and moved away. Because things ended badly, it seems like you're holding onto something. Maybe contacting him and releasing what you're holding onto might help you to move on. Is it fair to him, probably not, but then again isn't this forum all about us?

I feel ya, man. I know what its like. But you being sad, depressed, needy around her, WILL NOT help the situation. YOu have to be happy and positive around her. Everyone else will say the same thing. You're gonna feel crazy, hopeless, like you can't go on, thats all normal. DO it behind close doors, or with your counselor, or with your mom, but not in front of her. ITs only gonna push her away. Act your caring, unselfish self around her and she'll wanna talk to you. She'll bring her tone down, also.

Just remember to stay happy and positive around her and don't put any pressure on her. You'll be fine, stay strong and take it day by day.

Pray to your higher power. I dont know what you believe in, if anything at all. I turn to God all the time, not just troubled times and I always remember, if God brings you to it, he will bring you through it. How were you as a person before you met her?

Actually she does most of the calling. She's been grabbing for my hand first, and goin in for the kiss. I just think shes doing this, to keep her happy until she finally moves away, then its out of sight out of mind. But who knows. I know she's still confused and i've backed off alot. I've even told her not to call me anymore, that was a month ago. But she sucked me back in. Only time will tell.

For those who have followed my story or viewed it, it is also in the breakup section, I'm just looking for advice. Well all seemed to be going good the last few weeks with me and the ( i dont even know what we are). We have been talking pretty much everyday and hanging out here and there. Her twin nephews arrived last thursday and she wanted me apart of that with her. I went to see them with her the day they were born. The next day, i went out at nite and she met up with me and ended staying the nite with me at my grandmothers and hanging out with my family and relatives. SUnday nite, same thing, we went to a carnival type thing, just for the food and hung out with the fam. Kissing, holding hands, etc. Yesterday shes on the phone with me while holding her nephew and talking to him saying your uncle is on the phone. Now today, I asked her to go to an NFL game with me and I sort of got a round about answer. I asked her why, dont you think you'll be here? and she said she didnt know, that if she gets a job and has to move away, then thats whats she'll do. Crushed me, yet again. I ask to myself why is she doing these things like she wants to be with me and be a part of her life, but then will just split whenever she can. It didnt crush me to where i was mean or whatever, i just let it slide. So i call her after the gym and ask her if she wants to go out to grab something to eat and for a drink later. Shes all up for it. SO now the question is, DO i try and talk with her about us? DO i ask her what it is she wants from me exactly and if she really wants to be with me, or do i just keep doing what i'm doing, but start to really act like i'm her boyfriend more around her.

Tiredman, i think your girl will come around too. I thought my girl was coming around, we've been spending time together, things have been going good. Until I just called her and asked her if she wanted to go to an NFL game with me. The old her would of been excited and yes, without hesitation. Instead she asks, how much were the tickets, when is it, blah blah blah. I was like, why you dont think you'll be around? She said she doesn't know, b/c if she has to move away if she gets a job. This just absolutely crushed me again. Why do I do this to myself? She obviously can't be in love with me, if she'll just move away for any old job. Thats the only thing about not talking about US. You don't know whats going on. Meanwhile, shes been back around my family, holding hands with me, kissing me. She was talking to her newborn nephews while I was on the phone with her, saying its your Uncle. Why is she doing these things, if she knows shes just gonna get up and leave me?

But you chose to not talk to her then. That wasnt her choosing to have space then. This time its her.

Dude, read my story, its posted in the breaking up section. There are alot of similarities between the both of our situations. I too have been thru a rough situation. In which my girl stuck by me thru everything. I too pushed her away, i too walked away numerous times, we fought, our relationship wasn't perfect. How was she? She was great, more than anything i could of asked for. She always said i was perfect, never felt this way about anyone, knew i was the one, said she'd LOVE me FOREVER and that she was never letting me go. Was always there for me. What about me, I never opened up to her the way she did to me. I'd say stupid things, never really talk about the future together, where as she always did. This bothered her. We also weren't living together and I wasn't ready to get married, b/c of my predictament. Which is my fault, b/c i was ashamed of what i went thru and always thought I wouldn't be able to make her happy. Well that was a mistake, it shouldn't of been up to me, it should of been up to her, to determine that. I thought of her as family also. She spent almost everynite at my house. We did everything together, I mean everything. But we just got into a rut. You talk about gifts you got from her and things you bought with her. Same here, my room is covered in things from her or that i got with her. Clothes included. My world was turned upside down, when she dropped the bomb on me. I was a wreck, couldn't function, couldn't do anything. Found interest in nothing, everything was dull. I pleaded, professed my love, did everything a fool in love does. But you know what, she wasn't in the state of mind to HEAR IT! They know you love them and they don't wanna hear it. The only thing that comes from there mouth is, "where was this back then", "if you love me so much why did you do or say those things." "How do i know things are gonna change." "I'm scared its just going to go back to the way it was." Thats whats driving them right now, there negative emotions and feelings. What you say right now won't bring their guard down, they have to do it on their own. I did the NC after I couldnt take her being so cold to me anymore,. I just couldn't understand how her feelings could change so quick. But it wasn't that her feelings changed for me, she was just tired of being hurt. SHe was also stressed out from her family, living at home and her job. She was looking to run away and to move to another state. This crushed me and right before I did NC, instead of asking for a 2nd chance, i applauded her on her courage to do something with her life, told her how strong she was and wished her the best for her, truly sincere about it. 2 weeks later she called and i said firmly but politely, that i can't be her friend yet and that i asked her not to contact me anymore, until i can view her as a friend. Well women dont listen and she called later that nite. Its in my story, i wont go on anymore about that. But you need to stand up before you can walk. You took the first step with therapy. The next one would be to let her breathe and let her think about what she wants out of her own life without you imposing your struggles and feelings onto her. Let her be my friend. Be that caring and unselfish person you say you are. Theres nothing more unselfish then letting the person you love and care so much, go. If you would do anything for her, then do this for her. I promise you, if she truly loves you and deeply cares for you, she'll reach out her hand to you. I'll leave you with that. Be proud you met someone that made such an impact on your life, now do something for her by letting her go and getting yourself to be the man she fell in love with.