Demond34

this is the same girl........3 times, 3 years in a row all around the same time.........we havent officially broken up but it has the same pattern as the other 2.......i'm treating it like a breakup however, as i'm tired of this

ive been in this situation 3 years in a row about the same time every year(worst times in my life), if you want some reading then check out the threads i started, click on my name and find all threads started( i didnt start many)........i just got done reading them and for some reason it made me feel better, maybe b/c i know that i have to move on this time and disregard hope.......man i wanted to pull my hair out reading those... maybe you should read some of your beginning posts over as well, its good to revisit what you were feeling and see if you made any progress

bear, i feel your pain.......this is also my 3rd time around.....Day 2...one contact in the last 7 days.......it still hurts just as much, but i'm better prepared....i think the longest i have gone is 2 weeks, she always finds a way to get in touch with me in ways I can't avoid.....we got back twice today my mind was all over the place......"I want her back" and then "I dont want her back"........i was thinking of all the good times we shared then I was thinking of all the bad things that Ive endured..... My feelings today have been.....numb, sad, depressed, excited, lonely, cloudy, carefree, confident, insecure...you name it, all over the map ive been

If you feel you're strong enough to open up the communication lines without bringing the topic of "us" up then do it. Maybe shoot her an email, but make it brief and don't mention how you've changed. But be warned you might not get a response or a response you might not like. Just make sure you can handle that.

no need beating yourself up over it, it is only a natural process. It'll get better.

What kind of questions does he ask her? It could be that he still cares about you and wants to make sure you're doing ok, and he may know that by contacting you, himself, that it would lead you on....... I don't know if I would over analyze anything. Stay strong with your commitment. If he really wants to talk to you, I'm sure he knows how to get ahold of you. Keep your head up and that contact you had with him over a week ago, did affect you even though you said it didnt. It made you feel good b/c it put hope back into you. Theres no doubt about it that NC is tough. We're all here behind you, either going thru it or been thru it, so stay positive.

Bring your A-game Annie! lol

Be funny, do not control her, listen to her, pick her up when she needs to be picked up, don't be lazy, give her the last bite, stay cool when arguing, let her have her own life while you do the same, don't wait for her to say I love you, call her just because, make her feel loved, take your time in bed, appreciate her and all the little things but most of all make her feel SECURE about herself and the relationship.

Day 11 of NC..........just had a setback, found out from my friend that the ex came home last weekend and was here until yesterday to get more stuff. No calls from her.......One, probably b/c I said dont call me anymore or message me, if this is what u want to do and if you want me to move on. Two, probably b/c she doesn't want to deal with the emotions of seeing me, it would only set her back. Or, 3 she just doesn't care and is over me.......i'd find it hard to believe number 3, after 5.5 years....... Why has it set me back, because I think I still have a little denial or maybe hope or maybe both. I'm afraid to shut her out of my life for good. I don't know why. I teeter back forth every day, some times I feel good and some times I'm consumed of thoughts of her non stop. Why does a breakup make us feel so pathetic. I'm 24 going on 25 and I feel like a 12 year old stuck in a bottomless pit. I never felt so weak in my life....... I'm not giving up and I won't.....I will fight until I'm free of this mental torture and can just wake up with a smile, just because.

I could see if she was truthful and said something like I love you and I'm doing this for us, so we can have a life together. But when you hear, "I don't love you anymore" and find out she left with another guy, I'd be extremely guarded too. After spending so long together and having that happen to you, I'm not so sure the majority of people wouldn't shut off emotionally to them

I just don't understand this, why does him not fighting for her scream volumes? He got his heart torn out of him, thinking she just ran off in the sunset with another guy. I'm sure theres alot more to it, but the bottom line is he was left and told that she didn't love him anymore. If it screams anything, its his character and self respect he had for himself. Again, she was leaving him for an indefinite amount of time and was told his SO wasn't in love with him. What would you do if that was told to you? Try and persuade her to be in love with you. He loved and let go and was heartbroken in the process. I don't blame in the least and at the same time it doesn't discredit his love for her, just because he didnt fight for her.

Keep saying to yourself that you can't control what she does or what happens in her life. Because you can't.....So try not to worry about things you can't control.... I know easier said than done, if it were that easy, I would be fine too.....Just do the best to UNDERSTAND we have no control over anyone else but ourselves. Good luck man

great post man.......I have alot of the same feelings and emotions running thru me as you do. You hit alot of points dead on and I am also taking the same path you are. I'm not going to run away from it and hide it in someone else's presense. I need to be ok and happy with just being me and able to be happy alone. "I want to love me some me"- Terrell Owens... only then will I want to proceed into another relationship.

icemotoboy- I just heard that james blunt song yesterday, yah, ouch, it hurts

Its like a never ending battle with your partner if they can't let go of the past or are holding a grudge. Sure you can get back together and things will be fine for awhile, but if they don't let go and forgive it was always resurfaces and cause problems. The blinders come on and the changes you're making aren't recognized or appreciated. The only one that can get her to forgive or let go is HER. She needs to do this for herself. Stay strong man and believe if its meant to be it will be, that she will let go and come back. Don't force it on her, she'll have to do this by herself. If she is holding onto things, this will drain her emotionally and ultimately lead her to giving up and not dealing with it. Give her and yourself time, Good luck bro

Man, this situation is almost like mine, from to the start to the end, but we were together over 5 years........My girl said the same thing, it could be the biggest mistake of her life and she still loved me but wanted to move away to make it on her own. The last time we saw each other, it was tears and holding each other, with her telling me shes so confused and asking me what she should do.........I did the same thing you did, I said I won't stand in the way of your happiness, I can't make the decision for you, if you want to do this on your own, then go for it. Then came the phone calls from her while she was down there. It hurt everyday to hear from her. I felt like she was using me as a crutch to let her know I'll always be there for her. She was moving on and I was standing still being dizzy. I felt caged up b/c I couldn't bring us up without her getting upset. So I stopped bringing "us" up. Thats when I heard from her 4 days in a row and it was really friendly, but it was still getting me no where. I finally told her that if she wanted to do this on her own and couldn't promise me anything, to please not call or message me. Your girl is being selfish, so let her be. And you do the same. When she says about you doing other things and not sitting at home moping around, thats just her way of getting herself out of feeling guilty. Just like my ex, your ex will never truly miss you if you are in her ear. I was holding on and I was allowing to get strung along, but I finally cut the rope. I can't tell you what to do, all I can say is I relate to your situation. The only way I was going to get my clarity and myself back was to cut contact. Shes living life, why shouldnt you? I know its hard man, but atleast take a week or two off and try to accept its over, it'll definatley give you another persective and you can look at the past actions more objectively. Good luck to you

Just keep showing her your independent but dependable side. If that makes sense to you. Stay focused on you by being responsible for your girls and the things you have going for you but don't bend over backwards for her, thats not what she wants. I wouldn't make any sudden movements towards her, or bring anything up until she does. Right now she seems, like she has alot on her plate, so just listen to what she says instead of diving in. Put the 3 C's Poco is always talking about to use.... Control, Confidence and Challenge. good luck man

Man this sucks, only day 4 of NC.......Its not like, I haven't gone longer before(last summer), but these last 2 mornings were brutal. I hate waking up 3 hours before my alarm filled with anxiety, tossing and turning. I'm filled with conflicted emotions, I want her to call, but then I don't want her to call. I miss her so bad then I feel like everything is alright. I want to show her support and let her know I'm behind her, then I feel she doesn't deserve it b/c of the way she went about this. I know I have to be patient. There is nothing I can do except let nature take its course, now.

Well put Belle........ yeah i agree I'm damned if I do and damned if i dont. I know she wants the reassurance that I'll be there for her, if it doesn't work out,........she told me she's scared she could be making the biggest mistake of her life..................I feel I just pushed her into the right decision, by saying not to call......only time will tell I should note that this is a girl, early on in the relationship would talk about having a life with me, kids, marriage the whole 9 yards. She said she had a crush on me all thru school(elementary to high school) I never knew about. Then things didn't go to plan(me going away). When I came back, I had to try and put my life back together. I didnt want to propose to her first thing, b/c I wanted to see things get back together the way they were. I mean it was just a different feeling, being away from someone so long. But when i was ready to do it the following year, we had our fallout. When we got back together, we started to buy things for ourselves when we got out on our own. The kicker was the $2500 bed we bought together a bed she wanted(now I'm paying it by myself). I thought this was taking action into showing her I was committed and I asked her about that a few weeks ago and she said yeah it is, but it only puts off the ring........ I wanted to scream........ She knows, I'm peacing things back together and I didnt want to be engaged and living at home yet. I want to be able to support us and a family even though she doesnt need me too. Its just the way i am. I don't think a ring would of made a difference, she still needs to find out what she wants....... Like everyone says on here, theres no logic behind love......I'll see with clearer eyes with time.....

About the pressuring her not go, that confused me the most, she turned it back on me and said I never stand in her way.... I said why do you want me to stand in your way, her response was so you tell me not to go........I again told her, I dont want you to go at all, I want to be with you, but I can't force you to stay...... Her calling everyday, makes me feel like hell, I miss her like crazy, she misses me.....She never ever told me that she doesn't want to be with me or that its over, in fact she says she loves me and does want to be with me, just not where we are at and the situation we're in...... But she left and thats all I think about. I just don't know if I jumped the gun, in saying dont call me anymore..... But maybe its something I have to do, so I can get back to being myself and maybe she'll figure out what she wants. I dont know..... I know I hate this..... I also don't know if me being in contact with her, would of maybe corrected things with us. She used to say how I wasn't there for her 100% when she was down and now I'm choosing not to be there for her now. Although before I went in until now, I've made changes, in my life to show her how much i care, she even realizes this and said this. I wasn't the best boyfriend for the first 2 years, but I got better at it and improved greatly..... I told her that I want to stand by her side like she did me, but I find it too hard, not knowing if it'll ever work. In her case, she knew I wasn't going anywhere and she knew I didnt choose to leave..........I feel like I owe it to her, but at the same time, I owe it to myself to get my life back on track......... Like you said malcontent, how will she see life without me, if she's calling me. I know its hard on her to be doing this move, b/c she is a family girl, I guess she has to try it and see if its her.

Hang in there brother, its going to be a bumpy ride.....Listen to Scout, do nothing for right now.....you said yourself she seemed pretty done when you tried to get her back....she doesn't want to hear what you have to say right now let her get her thoughts together and give it some time....

good stuff as always............I do wish me and the ex were back together but at the same time, I'm actually grieving for the pain to go away. I wish I could just be like, ok fine, I guess it wasn't meant to be and move on. Maybe its b/c I'm looking for an easy way out.

My ex is in the process of moving to another state. Its a long and complicated story. She's 25, I'm 24. We were together for over 5.5 years. At the end of year 2, I went away due to a fight at college(that happened in the beg. of the relationship). She stuck by me for 2 years, until I got out. But the damage was done, I broke her heart when i left(although not on purpose). She didn't realize how dependent she was on me for her happiness.(back then her world revolved around me, we were together for 2 years and fell in love) Since I got out til now(almost 2 years), things have been up and down. She cried on her birthday last year b/c I made it a special day for her. But we had a fallout a month later, that lasted through the summer, in which i found this place. We did get back together and were together up until the end of March, things were good, she made a 4 year plan that she asked if I wanted to be a part of and wanted to make sure I was in it for the long haul in which i said yes. But she started to pull away again. This is after we just bought a king size bed together a month earlier and a washington D.C. trip a week earlier. All I could say to myself was here we go again. She said she wants to move out of here, do something with herself, shes depressed and confused. I just told her I won't stand in her way of her happiness. And she said, I never stand in her way, I just let her go. I said i don't want you to go but I can't make that decision for you. I told her I love her and want to be with her, but its what you want. She quit her job up here, cuz shes sick of it and ended up going down to another state to visit her friend over easter and her birthday, she said she didnt know when she'd be back b/c she didnt have a job. In which, I called her on her birthday but only got voicemail. She called 2 days later and I could tell she was upset. I asked why she called(after a week of NC), she told me she was coming home, easter and her birthday was lonely and she wanted to hear my voice, she started to cry and felt bad for shutting me out of her life, said she lost 10lbs. When she got home, all I got was a text message. Not until 2 days later, did she call again and told me she was going back down to try again, to find a job and a place. I had her come over and I gave her all the things she had here. We talked, held each other, cried. She kept asking me what she should do. I told her I dont want her to go, but I can't make that decision for you. She didn't want to see me, b/c she knew that would make her decision that much harder for her. Now I can't move that easily, b/c of the fight, not until next nov am I officially free. In the meantime, I got back into college and run the family business part time. Now since she's been down there we have had contact, she calls. Since I was basically left in the dark of what she really wants I get an array of different answers. She wants to do this for herself, to prove to herself she can be independent. This stems from me going away, she never dealt with it and its all resurfacing, she doesnt want to depend on me. She's said she loves me but we can't be together right now, she wants to be alone and the list goes on. We talked the last 4 days. she tells me how she can't sleep and stuff. But overall its just general stuff. How shes been on interviews, how she needs to look for a place and things. This just kills me. I feel she is calling me to make it easier on her, but everyday I struggle b/c I feel I'm at a standstill and she is moving on and that if i keep holding on, I'll just get heartbroken anyway. She talks like we're friends but calls me bud and stud. I told her last week that I just can't be friends with her when I have feelings deeper than that, she wanted to avoid that whole talk. So today when she called, I put my foot down halfway thru and asked what are her intentions with me. She said she thought we could talk like everyday. She said she would love for me to move down with her. I said its just not that easy for me right now. I said if this is what you want then do it and if you want me to truly move on, then please don't call me anymore or message me. Did I do the right thing? I feel like she just gets her fix when she talks to me, then she can have a good day or sleep better. The last time i saw her, she said go date others if I have to, that she'll have to deal with it if I choose too. Its not what I want and she knows that. She's not interested in anyone either, she's focused on getting a job and her career(but its not like she had a job offer down there) she chose this. Sorry this is long, but I sit here everyday and dont share and its built up to the point where I'm going to explode. Should I just cut all contact so I can function better and if the love between us was strong enough, we'll find our ways back to each other?

When you did NC for 3 months, did she try and phone you at anytime during it? If so did you answer? The decision comes down to you, if you are willing to put in on the line again. When you did NC, was it ultimately for you to heal or did you have in the back of your mind the hopes she would come back? If it was the latter, you might not of healed as much as you could of or think you did.

I'm pretty sure she knows, I mean I got her to come over the day before she was going to look for a job in another state, to give her a bunch of things that she left. But the problem was she seemed like she didnt want to take them. She cried, said she was confused, said she's been avoiding me b/c she knows it'll make it that much harder for her to go. Says she'll regret her decision either way, b/c she thinks if she doesnt leave the area now, that she never will. She also has this mind set that she's going to fail and not be strong enough down there. I told her I dont want her to go, but I also can't make her stay....... I told her I loved her and wanted to be with her.....and its like shes insecure and asks why are you so set on me? I mean its been over 5 years.......if i was planning on not being with her I would of left...........Theres so much more to the story and I dont want to keep hijacking this thread(good thread by the way)......But I ask you DN, she stuck by me for 2 years(when i went thru something).....I want to be there for her right now and see that she gets situated, but I feel I can't be a friend to her and support her b/c of my ultimatley wanting her back. She never did give me my key back by the way, she asked me if I wanted it and I said you make that decision.......... I dont know what to do...............sorry for the interruption on this thread.......continue on