Bostich

Hi, I am hoping that some of you may have some advice as to where I go from here. Lately, my relationship with my boyfriend has not been ideal. It isn't horrible by anymeans but it seems there have just been times when we have not been connecting properly or misunderstanding one another. Couple this with us both being overworked and you can imagine that it finally hit a wall. On Friday we were meant to go out together but both ended up falling asleep as soon as we got home from work. When we woke up we were both feeling a bit grumpy and in subtle ways took it out on one another. Interestingly enough, we both felt the other one was not being as responsive as we needed them to be. Skipping through all the details we ended up having a huge communication breakdown and I suggested that I go home altogether. I did end up staying but the next day my boyfriend was completely unhappy. He explained that he felt I used "going home" as a bargaining tool and trying to get a reaction from him rather than discussing things openly. He may have been right because I was so exhausted I just did not have the mental energy to deal with things, I thought there was no other option at that point. He explained that he was not feeling great about our interactions as of late and did not want to be around me on Saturday (despite the fact that we had plans). I panicked thinking he wanted to break up and this made things worse. He said that it made him sad that I would think he would leave at the first sign of trouble. He explained that he needed some time to cool down and to think about what we could do to make our communication better, and that he was just so tired of the tension. Later that night we chatted very briefly on AIM and made plans to see each other later tonight. I just feel extrenely apprehensive. I still have insecurities that he wil leave. But mostly I am womdering if any of you can offer advice on how rto ease the tension? I want to have a nice time with him and I don't want to get into some heavy, emotional talk about things (and neither does he!). What are things you have done or you would appreciate from your partner to get back on track? Thanks!

Thanks for that Sally00, it just seems everyone around me is moving in together. I think that someday I may want that with my boyfriend but it is not something I am mapping out. I guess I ask because I recently had a conversation with a couple who said they would be fine if they *never* lived together and that it would not impact the relationship one way or another. I guess that I have been socialized to believe that was part of the natural progression of a relationship so their outlook took me by surprise.

Do you think that for a couple to successfully work out it is necessary that they live together at some point? Is this conventional wisdom and do you think it odd if two people choose not to go that route but stay together?

Hi, I was hoping some of you might help in clarifying what is healthy behavior in a relationship and how to possibly change my own expectations. I recently got back together with my boyfriend and on a much more minor level still feel myself struggling with a lot of my own issues with insecurity and neediness. (For the record, I am in therapy for this and it has aided in helping me a lot) For example, I get really anxious if we go a day without really speaking. Is this normal? In the very early stages of our relationship we pretty much communicated and saw each other everyday. Looking back at it now I can even say that was too much and led to us not havinng enough time outside of each other. In some way hearing from him validates things for me. I dont want to feel this way. I mean I hear about couples that talk multiple times a day and others who go a few days without communication. Is one way wrong or right? I guess because we used to be like that it makes me feel that he likes me less now that we are not. Also, there is a part of me that really seeks out compliments from him. Again, back to the affirmation thing. And he is not someone you would describe as overly-sensitive/romantic so I feel like I crave it even more. He is extremely thoughtful and generous but there is a part of me that wants the romantic, fairy-tale thing. Of course, like many couples we had this in the beginning. I just wonder if you can go back to that. I guess getting back together is harder than I thought it would be. I love him and its great. We havent fought and have had so much fun being together again. I just have a hard time deciding what the balance should be. Do you treat it like it is a new relationsjip or do you hold onto higher expectations? I mean what is a healthy relationship?

Hi, My boyfriend and I just reconciled after being apart for 3 months (majority NC). I was wondering how important you think it is to discuss what (if any) relationships you had during the break. A part of me feels it is insignificant but another part of me cannot shake the need to know.

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I certainly will keep you posted and although we are talking about structure at this time we do realize the relationship is also organic. We dont want to remain stagnant and as we change I imagine our relationship will too. I just dont want to rush into anything hastily and given the fragility of what could happen a little structure might help. We both know that it would be easy to fall into old patterns by spending too much time together. I dont see us making a chart or anything like that, I simply think our awareness levels will be increased.

I actually wanted to create a structure to what we are doing. I personally need it for the time being. As we become healthier as individuals I certainly would like to increase our time together and focus more on the relationship. Right now, I need to continue to create a life outside of him while working to re-build our own life together. We have not decided yet to completely get back together, this is simply a step. I also agree with you DN, yes there is not a label but there is certainly a relationship. I think until we are fully comfortable with all the time and responsibilty that comes with a true committment not having a label is where we want to be in our mindset. Right now, we just want to do our best to foster a loving friendship while keeping the primary focus on ourselves. One of our biggest mistakes in the past was being too dependant and needy on one another. I think we both need to trust that this will not happen again before we take the final step. I guess in a way we are "dating." I use this term hesitantly though because this is not something that is unimportant to either one of us, but at the same time we would like to take things slow and become re-aquainted before we make claims about what will ultimately happen. I for one want to enjoy the time we do spend together and work from there.

Hi, My boyfriend and I broke up about three weeks ago and we adhered to a strict NC policy (however, I did run into him out one night.). Over the course of this past weekend we both ran into each other's friends and heard how difficult it has been for the both of us. This prompted an e-mail from me and then a phone call from him. Yesterday afternoon we met to talk about how we have been, etc. During the discussion we were both pleased to find out that we ultimately think this break-up is good for us. At the moment, we have issues that we are working through as individuals (I am in fact in therapy) and they really weighed down the relationship in a way we could not handle. I am completely committed at becoming a stronger individual and need time before I head into any relationship. As well, we both understand that reconciliation can back fire if it is headed into hastily. However, it is very apparent that we still love each other and have strong ties to building some sort of future together (whether it a friendship or something more). We certainly would love to think it could work out for us again but at the moment we want the primary focus to be on ourselves but have discussed that when the timing is more appropriate we will have a serious discussion about committing again. At the very least we will go on a true date. Ultimately, we are leaving ourselves open to the idea that we may very well get back together. In the meantime we have decided to create a structured relationship for one another that still ensures our personal growth but allows us to remain in each other’s lives and develop our own friendship. We both decided to keep it free from any sort of label. Also, for the time being we will see each other a minimum of once a week and allow for a maximum of twice a week. We felt this was important because it seems that it would be quite easy to fall back into old patterns if we saw each other too much. However, we do realize that we need to spend time together to work on our friendship and see if we can change, giving us a better idea about where our future should lead. We agreed that being intimate was fine for both of us as well. However, if either one of us becomes involved with someone else it needs to be discussed before it is pursued. We have both agreed that dating really isn't the best thing for either one of us right now anyway. Yet, we do want to prepare ourselves in case it happens. We know that during this time we need to be very conscious and aware of what we are doing and not allow the focus to shift from ourselves onto the relationship. As well, we agreed to talk about this more often than not so we can check in with one another and see how we are dealing with the situation, how we feel it is going, etc. Obviously, by embarking on this we hope that in the end it will work out but still are aware it might not. We also realize that at some point a discussion will need to happen as to whether or not we will take this to the next level. I feel good about this but wonder what your thoughts might be. I feel like for the place we are both in this really is the most/best we can hope for from one another. In time, I think more and more answers will be made aware to us. Also, given my description of things what advice do you have in dealing with this. I want to keep my head above water and stay true to myself without putting too much hope on what may or may not happen for us.

Oh, okay. I see and I agree. I figured I would ask this time and regardless of his answer leave it to him to ask the next time.

Wait, Seabisquit are you saying to not ask at all? I of course dont always want to ask but I should put some effort in too. I just cannot get upset if he says no. If he does say no, can you think of a response I can give him that lets him know I want to see him without making him feel guilty?

I definitely agree, I just dont want to get into the habit of being afraid to ask because he might reject me. Or find that I am catering to him by waiting for him to initiate just because of this space thing. I figure I can ask and if he says no, he says no.

Hi all, Just some quick advice as I am seeing my boyfriend briefly this evening. After taking a break, we decided to do what it takes to make it work. However, we decided that we need to take it slow and spend more time apart than together. This is especially true for him as he is getting past issues of anger. We did decide though that we are definitely a couple and of course will spend time together. As it stands we spent Saturday and Sunday evening together. On Monday he popped by for a few minutes just to pick something up. We didn’t see each other yesterday and exchanged one e-mail. Today he contacted me through AIM and we chatted for a bit. I am going by his house (upon his request) to drop something off but when I asked if he would like to hang out he said he had already made plans. I would really like to spend some real time with him because we haven’t since Sunday evening. Do you think it is okay to ask him when I stop by tonight if we could get dinner or see a movie tomorrow? I just feel so apprehensive because of the space thing but at the same time I don’t want to operate as if I am just waiting for him either.

The whole giving space thing is what I am struggling with the most actually. I started a new thread about it too: I feel like space will do us good but I am also realizing how needy I am. I really start to freak out if I havent heard from him in a day and I know this is not healthy. I should just trust that we are together and if a day passes without contact, not freak out about it.

xmrth, You make an excellent point. I do have to remember that regardless of when we see each other, we are in fact together and I should enjoy our time spent with one another. But I do want to see him more than he wants to see me and this is sometimes a problem we struggle with. I also know that my reasons for seeing him are not always healthy. I should be able to spend time with myself and friends, sometimes I feel like a love addict or something. Just so dependent. But then I see other couples who do hang out everyday and wonder if maybe we are just not compatible in the arena. I mean we used to hang out all the time, why change now? He says it's because he realizes that it is unhealthy and he wasnt getting things done when we always hung out. He also says if we are to have a long future, we dont need to cram it in all at once. It's just hard to make the change. If we were always this way it would be a different story altogether. It makes me feel like he just doesnt like me as much or something.