Bostich

Hi, I am hoping that some of you may have some advice as to where I go from here. Lately, my relationship with my boyfriend has not been ideal. It isn't horrible by anymeans but it seems there have just been times when we have not been connecting properly or misunderstanding one another. Couple this with us both being overworked and you can imagine that it finally hit a wall. On Friday we were meant to go out together but both ended up falling asleep as soon as we got home from work. When we woke up we were both feeling a bit grumpy and in subtle ways took it out on one another. Interestingly enough, we both felt the other one was not being as responsive as we needed them to be. Skipping through all the details we ended up having a huge communication breakdown and I suggested that I go home altogether. I did end up staying but the next day my boyfriend was completely unhappy. He explained that he felt I used "going home" as a bargaining tool and trying to get a reaction from him rather than discussing things openly. He may have been right because I was so exhausted I just did not have the mental energy to deal with things, I thought there was no other option at that point. He explained that he was not feeling great about our interactions as of late and did not want to be around me on Saturday (despite the fact that we had plans). I panicked thinking he wanted to break up and this made things worse. He said that it made him sad that I would think he would leave at the first sign of trouble. He explained that he needed some time to cool down and to think about what we could do to make our communication better, and that he was just so tired of the tension. Later that night we chatted very briefly on AIM and made plans to see each other later tonight. I just feel extrenely apprehensive. I still have insecurities that he wil leave. But mostly I am womdering if any of you can offer advice on how rto ease the tension? I want to have a nice time with him and I don't want to get into some heavy, emotional talk about things (and neither does he!). What are things you have done or you would appreciate from your partner to get back on track? Thanks!

Thanks for that Sally00, it just seems everyone around me is moving in together. I think that someday I may want that with my boyfriend but it is not something I am mapping out. I guess I ask because I recently had a conversation with a couple who said they would be fine if they *never* lived together and that it would not impact the relationship one way or another. I guess that I have been socialized to believe that was part of the natural progression of a relationship so their outlook took me by surprise.

Do you think that for a couple to successfully work out it is necessary that they live together at some point? Is this conventional wisdom and do you think it odd if two people choose not to go that route but stay together?

Hi, I was hoping some of you might help in clarifying what is healthy behavior in a relationship and how to possibly change my own expectations. I recently got back together with my boyfriend and on a much more minor level still feel myself struggling with a lot of my own issues with insecurity and neediness. (For the record, I am in therapy for this and it has aided in helping me a lot) For example, I get really anxious if we go a day without really speaking. Is this normal? In the very early stages of our relationship we pretty much communicated and saw each other everyday. Looking back at it now I can even say that was too much and led to us not havinng enough time outside of each other. In some way hearing from him validates things for me. I dont want to feel this way. I mean I hear about couples that talk multiple times a day and others who go a few days without communication. Is one way wrong or right? I guess because we used to be like that it makes me feel that he likes me less now that we are not. Also, there is a part of me that really seeks out compliments from him. Again, back to the affirmation thing. And he is not someone you would describe as overly-sensitive/romantic so I feel like I crave it even more. He is extremely thoughtful and generous but there is a part of me that wants the romantic, fairy-tale thing. Of course, like many couples we had this in the beginning. I just wonder if you can go back to that. I guess getting back together is harder than I thought it would be. I love him and its great. We havent fought and have had so much fun being together again. I just have a hard time deciding what the balance should be. Do you treat it like it is a new relationsjip or do you hold onto higher expectations? I mean what is a healthy relationship?

Hi, My boyfriend and I just reconciled after being apart for 3 months (majority NC). I was wondering how important you think it is to discuss what (if any) relationships you had during the break. A part of me feels it is insignificant but another part of me cannot shake the need to know.

Deleted by user

I certainly will keep you posted and although we are talking about structure at this time we do realize the relationship is also organic. We dont want to remain stagnant and as we change I imagine our relationship will too. I just dont want to rush into anything hastily and given the fragility of what could happen a little structure might help. We both know that it would be easy to fall into old patterns by spending too much time together. I dont see us making a chart or anything like that, I simply think our awareness levels will be increased.

I actually wanted to create a structure to what we are doing. I personally need it for the time being. As we become healthier as individuals I certainly would like to increase our time together and focus more on the relationship. Right now, I need to continue to create a life outside of him while working to re-build our own life together. We have not decided yet to completely get back together, this is simply a step. I also agree with you DN, yes there is not a label but there is certainly a relationship. I think until we are fully comfortable with all the time and responsibilty that comes with a true committment not having a label is where we want to be in our mindset. Right now, we just want to do our best to foster a loving friendship while keeping the primary focus on ourselves. One of our biggest mistakes in the past was being too dependant and needy on one another. I think we both need to trust that this will not happen again before we take the final step. I guess in a way we are "dating." I use this term hesitantly though because this is not something that is unimportant to either one of us, but at the same time we would like to take things slow and become re-aquainted before we make claims about what will ultimately happen. I for one want to enjoy the time we do spend together and work from there.

Hi, My boyfriend and I broke up about three weeks ago and we adhered to a strict NC policy (however, I did run into him out one night.). Over the course of this past weekend we both ran into each other's friends and heard how difficult it has been for the both of us. This prompted an e-mail from me and then a phone call from him. Yesterday afternoon we met to talk about how we have been, etc. During the discussion we were both pleased to find out that we ultimately think this break-up is good for us. At the moment, we have issues that we are working through as individuals (I am in fact in therapy) and they really weighed down the relationship in a way we could not handle. I am completely committed at becoming a stronger individual and need time before I head into any relationship. As well, we both understand that reconciliation can back fire if it is headed into hastily. However, it is very apparent that we still love each other and have strong ties to building some sort of future together (whether it a friendship or something more). We certainly would love to think it could work out for us again but at the moment we want the primary focus to be on ourselves but have discussed that when the timing is more appropriate we will have a serious discussion about committing again. At the very least we will go on a true date. Ultimately, we are leaving ourselves open to the idea that we may very well get back together. In the meantime we have decided to create a structured relationship for one another that still ensures our personal growth but allows us to remain in each other’s lives and develop our own friendship. We both decided to keep it free from any sort of label. Also, for the time being we will see each other a minimum of once a week and allow for a maximum of twice a week. We felt this was important because it seems that it would be quite easy to fall back into old patterns if we saw each other too much. However, we do realize that we need to spend time together to work on our friendship and see if we can change, giving us a better idea about where our future should lead. We agreed that being intimate was fine for both of us as well. However, if either one of us becomes involved with someone else it needs to be discussed before it is pursued. We have both agreed that dating really isn't the best thing for either one of us right now anyway. Yet, we do want to prepare ourselves in case it happens. We know that during this time we need to be very conscious and aware of what we are doing and not allow the focus to shift from ourselves onto the relationship. As well, we agreed to talk about this more often than not so we can check in with one another and see how we are dealing with the situation, how we feel it is going, etc. Obviously, by embarking on this we hope that in the end it will work out but still are aware it might not. We also realize that at some point a discussion will need to happen as to whether or not we will take this to the next level. I feel good about this but wonder what your thoughts might be. I feel like for the place we are both in this really is the most/best we can hope for from one another. In time, I think more and more answers will be made aware to us. Also, given my description of things what advice do you have in dealing with this. I want to keep my head above water and stay true to myself without putting too much hope on what may or may not happen for us.

Oh, okay. I see and I agree. I figured I would ask this time and regardless of his answer leave it to him to ask the next time.

Wait, Seabisquit are you saying to not ask at all? I of course dont always want to ask but I should put some effort in too. I just cannot get upset if he says no. If he does say no, can you think of a response I can give him that lets him know I want to see him without making him feel guilty?

I definitely agree, I just dont want to get into the habit of being afraid to ask because he might reject me. Or find that I am catering to him by waiting for him to initiate just because of this space thing. I figure I can ask and if he says no, he says no.

Hi all, Just some quick advice as I am seeing my boyfriend briefly this evening. After taking a break, we decided to do what it takes to make it work. However, we decided that we need to take it slow and spend more time apart than together. This is especially true for him as he is getting past issues of anger. We did decide though that we are definitely a couple and of course will spend time together. As it stands we spent Saturday and Sunday evening together. On Monday he popped by for a few minutes just to pick something up. We didn’t see each other yesterday and exchanged one e-mail. Today he contacted me through AIM and we chatted for a bit. I am going by his house (upon his request) to drop something off but when I asked if he would like to hang out he said he had already made plans. I would really like to spend some real time with him because we haven’t since Sunday evening. Do you think it is okay to ask him when I stop by tonight if we could get dinner or see a movie tomorrow? I just feel so apprehensive because of the space thing but at the same time I don’t want to operate as if I am just waiting for him either.

The whole giving space thing is what I am struggling with the most actually. I started a new thread about it too: I feel like space will do us good but I am also realizing how needy I am. I really start to freak out if I havent heard from him in a day and I know this is not healthy. I should just trust that we are together and if a day passes without contact, not freak out about it.

xmrth, You make an excellent point. I do have to remember that regardless of when we see each other, we are in fact together and I should enjoy our time spent with one another. But I do want to see him more than he wants to see me and this is sometimes a problem we struggle with. I also know that my reasons for seeing him are not always healthy. I should be able to spend time with myself and friends, sometimes I feel like a love addict or something. Just so dependent. But then I see other couples who do hang out everyday and wonder if maybe we are just not compatible in the arena. I mean we used to hang out all the time, why change now? He says it's because he realizes that it is unhealthy and he wasnt getting things done when we always hung out. He also says if we are to have a long future, we dont need to cram it in all at once. It's just hard to make the change. If we were always this way it would be a different story altogether. It makes me feel like he just doesnt like me as much or something.

I understand what you mean about the whole consumption thing. I certainly am in the process of trying to break the pattern of finding my validation through my relationship. My boyfriend and I used to see each other all the time (5-6/week) and ever since we have had problems it has dropped to about 2-3/week. I used to get e-mails upon e-mails a day and now I am lucky to receive one. I know perhaps we went a little overboard in the beginning and didnt leave much time for anything else but work and each other so in theory having more space is good. I however, still find difficulty with it. When I dont hear from him I panic and I often resent the fact that he doesnt want to see me. I also know that because of our problems he might not want to se me as much as needs to know we can buold back what we lost. And its not like he doesnt tell me he loves me or that we arent initmate, its just we now have more time and space away from each other. It's so easy for him, I wish it could be for me too. Any tips on how to make this bearable? I have friends and hobbies but my mind wont stop. Luckily, I do have enough control to not bug him when I am feeling this needy.

Hi all, I was just wondering if you all think it is normal or necessary to talk to your significant other on a daily basis. Would you also say that the amount of communication you have with one another signifies your desire or commitment as well? I ask because I am slowly trying to learn to take my own space and have a life outside of my relationship but it is hard. I feel like I have always been with people where contact was AT LEAST once a day, if not more.

Thanks zpivat, I am really glad we did not break up either. Admittedly, that was not the only problem we had. I guess you could say it was the straw that broke the camel's back for him. I think he is giving it another shot because he sees how committed I am to changing. He also sees how all of my problems really led back to the same issue. And of course, he can admit that I am not to blame entirely. Having said that, I just cant focus so much on the relationship and what he is or is not feeling right now. I understand he is hurt and apprehensive and as a result really isnt as present as I would like. He is my boyfriend, we communicate and do see each other at times and if I need him I know he'll be there. However, because he is still angry and distrustful I think he is more concerned with himself and other things than this relationship for the time being. I hope that in time this will change. And really, given the situation, time is what he needs most. I will continue to be myself while still providing space and hope that works out for us. I mean, he is at the point where he is definitely doing nice things for me. For instance, he just bought me something. But at the same time he cannot accept a compliment or a thank you for it. You know that feeling when you care about someone and you want to do something nice for them but you still feel they did you wrong so there is a part of you that does not want to acknowledge their goodwill towards you? Well, he there. It's hard but at least he's there. A week ago I was lucky to even get a hello.

Your last post made me chuckle DN, thank you. And you are right, if you see anyone too much you run the risk of getting bored and dependent. I just wish his desire was a bit stronger but I know that he feels less trustworthy of me right now. Hopefully, as time continues this will change and he will feel more and more comfortable. And in the meantime, I have to stop worrying so much about it.

Thanks DN, In my mind I completely see what I need to do and it all makes perfect sense to me. However, I am still learning how to take those thoughts and use them to break my emotional patterns. I suppose I need to get used to feeling uncomfortable about things until they become natural. Therapy helps a lot and I hope in time I dont find so much of my worth through a relationship. But is it wrong to want to see him all of the time? I have read so many other posts where people mention they are with their significant other the majority of the time. I suppose I need to keep in mind though that we are just coming out of a conflict and it will take time to build back what we once were. It's just hard because it used to come so easy.

Well, an update. ( ) I did end up seeing my boyfriend this past weekend and for the most part it went much better than I could have planned. He asked me to come over to talk because he heard from friends I was having a hard week (he even paid for my cab there). After talking about everything that has been happening between us we decided that we were not going to break up. I think what really helped him was my apology and hearing about all of the things I am learning in therapy. He said he is still skeptical but feels more optimistic about things than he did last week. He mentioned that for the first time he sensed in me not only the desire to change but could see that I am actually beginning to understand what I need to do to change. Ultimately though, he said actions were key and that this would be revealed in time. I agreed and said I needed more time to myself to work on my issues of fear and trust so I could be a more loving person to myself and to my relationships. Here is the problem: I do believe and understand in the power of time. Yet at the same time, it hurts that he does not want to see me in the same way he used to. We used to see each other everyday, and now its 2-3 times a week. I know I need to be more self-reliant but I guess the fact that he does not want to see me as much only intensifies the fact that he is not as happy/excited about the relationship as he used to be. He says that given what has happened, it is going to take time for him to fully trust me and be completely excited and vulnerable about things. I guess in my head I feel like if he isnt seeing me as much as he used to, he is just getting used to a life without me. A few questions: Will time apart (or less time together) really help build our strength and spark back? What can I do to not let this relationship have so much power over my moods? I know he loves me but I also know because of our dischord, he has been able to step back a little and see what will happen in the future. Why cant I do this? As well, he thinks now is the time to stop talking and talking and questioning thiings. He instead feels like it has been discussed and we need to show each other the changes and differences. And that talking about them just wears on him and our relationship becomes nothing about a big discussion about what's happening, what is going to happen, what he/I feels, etc. Do you think overtalking and overanalyzing can harm a realtionship? I just have such a hard time letting go and want to know what he is feeling all of the time it seems. Is this healthy? Probably not...

I did not go to his house after all. Things happened tonight that prevented it, and maybe it is for the best regardless. To be honest, I am starting to get upset. Sure it is finally nice that he thought enough to repsond to me by sending a one line e-mail but really it's not. And yes it's nice he thought about sending me a link to a bike but there was no message with it, nothing. And when I told him I could not afford it he replied, "Well you should pick up your bike at some point." He didnt even address or sign the e-mail. I mean his actions tell me he is thinking about be but not nearly enough to be over his anger. He obviously wants me to have a bike, nothing more than that. And one could extract that if he was really done with me or didnt care this would not matter to him but really I dont know if it does. If I get it, fine and if I dont, fine. I guess I am just feeling pretty down tonight. Sorry.

Help, I dont know what to do. So, my boyfriend e-mailed me again a link to a wanted ad for a really cute bicycle. (I currently have one that he made me but it is at his house) I e-mailed back thank you but I cant afford it right now. And he replied, well you should pick up your bike from my house this weekend then. Do you think this means he is ending it? By trying to get me to get my belongings from his house? Or is he just be a nice guy? I said I would pick it up tonight and he said to call first but that should be fine. What should I say to him when I see him? Anything? Or just thank him for the bike and leave?

Just wanted to see if some of you had any further advice on my situation. As I mentioned earlier, I wrote him a few days ago requesting some info because I am working on a claim for him. Despite being online, he didnt write back at that time. This morning however I received a resonse: ////Attached is an old one, I'll send a new one as soon as I can take it. Thanks -*******///// Based on how curt his reply was and that he didnt respond immediately (as he usually does) I would say he is still upset. I know many of you said to contact him again next week around Monday or so. Would you still, given this reply?

I would just like to clarify to the last posters that I have in fact apologized. It was done in-person when we had our last discussion. I was just considering the idea of writing him a more thought out letter while we are apart. And yes, ideally we would all wait to get into relationships until we were healed from past hurts. I was very reluctant to get involved and my boyfriend and I were friends for awhile as a result. Afte sometime, I decided to take the next step. Often, we cannot even begin to know how deep our issues run until put into another place of vulnerability.