ruth1978

thanks to both of you for your advice. i'm not sure if the police can do a restraining order because there's no evidence either of them are harassing me, but i've kept the threatening texes, and any other either of them send me i am keeping. i made a will a year ago stating that should anything happen to me, my son goes to live with either my parents or my brother and that my ex simon doesn't have any contact what so ever. i've heard nothing else from either of them today so i'm hoping it is the end of it, but when things do go quiet i get more worried so i'm taking your advice and i'm going to ring the police station tomorrow and see if anything can be done. for the police to visit mick, i think that would frighten him, but if they go to see simon, i think it'll make him angrier and want to hurt me even more. sometimes the police are best left out of it as it can cause more trouble, but i can always ask their advice tomorrow and see what they say about restraining orders etc. it isn't just about today and now, why i'm worrying. they see each other every saturday night as they both go out into town and bump into each other, so i never know what's going to be said in the future about me, so it has to stop now. thanks for your advice and help and i'll keep you posted.

i recently broke up with someone who i'll call mick. he was heartbroken but wanted to stay friends, i was fine with this until i've heard he's been speaking ill of me behind my back to my other ex's. the person he's trying to get in with is my son's father who i'll call simon. i have nothing to do with simon and he doesn't see my son either but i always like to keep on the right side of him because he's an evil man and treated me very badly, he's capable of anything should anyone upset him. but now mick's talked to him saturday night telling him so many lies, it's now led to simon texting me today saying i'd better watch my back and i'm going to burn. i don't think he would want to have me beaten up or anything, but i can't be sure and i'm now living in fear. i live alone with my son, and mick and simon both know where i live. mick has told simon that i've been going round saying i've slept with simon behind his girlfriend's back (i have said no such thing). as a last resort i called mick's mum to see if she could ask him to stop lying about me. she's called me a stalker and says i don't stop texting him and want him back, the truth is i don't. mick's also told her lies too. he text me over the weekend saying he still loves me and wants me back, but he's told his mum the opposite, that i want him back. he's turning people against me and although i don't want to know simon and it doesn't bother me if he hates me, it causes trouble for me and i'd rather be left alone. i'm 26 years old and i feel all this is so childish and silly. mick was truly devastated when i ended it with him and he thought i was going back to simon, i think he's doing his best to make sure i never do. i don't understand why he needs to talk to my ex's, this is the second ex he's spoken to and he says nasty things about me thinking i'll never find out, which i always do because the ex's tell me. so how can i make him stop talking to simon and lying about me?? because it's causing me so much depression, i don't want to go through this anymore, it's been going on for weeks and he doesn't seem to care what he's doing to me. i won't be able to stop him talking to simon, although i don't see why he feels the need to befriend my ex's, but if he's wanting to speak to simon then it shouldn't be about me and it shouldn't be lies either. i can't go to the police because they can't do anything about it, he's not actually harassing me, he's harassing my ex's yet they are too foolish to tell him to leave them alone. he's telling everyone he hates me, then he's telling me he loves me and wants me back. he even has a new girlfriend and i've a new boyfriend yet he can't seem to handle the fact that it's over. i'm not sure what else i can do, but i'm very uncomfortable in the evening when i'm here alone with my son, not knowing if someone's going to come and break in or hurt me and my son. if anything happens to me it will all be down to mick and his lies. this one man alone is trying to destroy my life and he's doing a good job so far because he's really upsetting me and making me live in fear of not knowing if something's going to happen to me. i've been threatened twice now since he started lying to people. once by simon's girlfriend and now by simon and although i've talked to all my friends about it, i wanted to write it in here to see if anyone knows what i can do or whether anyone's been through the same as i'm going through.

she's lying, she's jealous of what you have, a husband. she's single so she's bitter about everyone else being with someone apart from her. i don't think you should have anything to do with her because she's never going to let it drop and i think she's wanting you and your husband to fall out over this and i think it will head that way should she be allowed to carry on. no matter how long you've known her, a true friend wouldn't do this to you and she's no true friend to anyone she knows. she's out for herself and isn't thinking about anyone else she's hurting in the process. if my friend's husband flirted with me i'd tell my friend on that day right away if i was concerned about it. you said she's a flirt and always flirts around other friends boyfriends, so this should tell you she's lying about your husband flirting around her. she loves the attention and to me she sounds like she's mortified she's not got a man so she's after other people's men because she can't find one of her own. being friends with her still could cause damage to your relationship with your husband, you'll end up not trusting him and it could end up at worst with you two breaking up. the choice you have to make is who is more important, your husband or your friend because i really can't see it working with you having the both of them in your life, you have to make a choice i think. i could be totally wrong here by saying all this but from reading what you put i really do think she's lying. she wants you to be so paranoid about him that you leave him, she's either jealous you have someone who loves you or she wants you all to herself, when we meet someone special sometimes we don't see our friends as often and they can get jealous about this feeling neglected by their friends and wanting it back to how it used to be.

hi, i haven't seen your other posting, but from reading this one i can how hurt you are and i've felt how you do too. when i was 6 months pregnant my boyfriend left me, this was three years ago, he moved in with someone else 2 days later and got her pregnant too. i thought my world had ended and i wanted to die. that's how low i felt. he later went on and got married to another woman after leaving the girlfriend he left me for. three years later i'm over it, and i'm not saying it's going to take you this long because we all different and deal with loss in different ways. but with you saying his toothbrush used to be there etc, i take it you lived with him? i lived with my ex but when he moved out, so did i. i left everything behind, all the furniture was sold and i went back to my parents house. i think this was the best thing because if i'd stayed in the house the memories would have torn me apart even more. is there anyway you can leave the house and go somewhere else, even if it means giving up things to be able to move? you have to get rid of everything, i got rid of all the gifts he'd ever bought me, now some people like to keep things as a reminder but i think sometimes it can make the healing process alot slower because you are always going to be thinking about him and remembering the good times. there's no point to this because he's moved on and there isn't a thing you can do about it. it's not easy to let go, i know this myself because i didn't let go for two years. you should have no contact at all and from reading your post, i take it there is no contact between you and him. you have to think of the good things you have in your life, your work, your family and friends. i know you feel you've lost everything but no one person can be everything, they can mean everything to you, but they aren't everything. just because that one person has been taken away doesn't leave you with nothing, although you feel like it does, take a look around you and see what's there, what people you have beside you still and most of all realise that you are not alone and people are being heartbroken every day somewhere in the world, although you'll feel like it's only you, it's not, we've all felt it at some point in life and i'm sure you've hurt someone before too without seeing it. your life won't go on until you make it go on, no-one can help you heal, only you can help yourself. but remember there's always someone there for you.

i don't believe there is a time when we should be over someone, ignore the people who tell you you should be over him, because you should only be over him when you're ready to be. i've taken two years to get over my ex and it was all thanks to him making me realise he wasn't going to change. he ended it with me when i was 6 months pregnant. he doesn't see my son but he did until last year, he kept letting him down and was a terrible father, i ended the visits so often but i was still in love with him and wasn't thinking of anyone but myself so let him see my son again. in november last year he said he was ill and couldn't see our son then i found out he was in the pub all day with an ex girlfriend. i was hurt but because of my son being let down, and not for my own reasons. this was the turning point for me and i realised he wouldn't change, beer came first and family came last and it will always be that way, since then i have spoken to him nicely if i've seen him about but that's all, no talk of him seeing his son again and no talk of us getting back together. i think with you you have to try and think of any bad things and keep them thoughts rather than any good ones, sometimes that helps, to think of having a much better life without them. and if there were no bad memories, just be glad you were part of his life once but now it's time to move on. seeing them is another hurtful thing that doesn't help us getting over them, when i first lost my ex i would go out every weekend just to be able to see him, only i'd not enjoy the night and come home in tears because i wanted him back. it gets easier for you not to see him at all, so it's a good thing about leaving the job. having any kind of contact is hard to be able to break away from them, i suffered because he was seeing my son and coming to my house with a girlfriend, it really hurt me but i tried not to let it show and tried thinking of my son, but then he let him down all the time anyhow so it was going nowhere. when you said you ended it it sounded like you had an abortion??? i don't know if that's what you meant or not. i don't know how to advise about abortion because i've never been there before, when i found out i was pregnant i was terrified of everything, how to look after a baby, what my parents would think and i was thinking about abortion too but my ex said we would stick together and make this work, so i had the baby. i will never regret it i love my son, but my ex never stuck by his promise, and when i'm thinking about him at all, i think of all the things he did to me, and it makes me see i'm a better person that he'll ever be.

it's not that you're unattractive at all, girls just obviously aren't seeing your true qualities and the person you really are, there's more to people than just the way you look, it's what's inside that matters and how big your heart is. you're getting no attention from women, but that's not every woman i'm sure someone has seen you and you've caught their eye, you just don't know it yet.

firstly you thinking you're better looking than the other men women are dating, isn't the right thing to be thinking, i think sometimes women go for men for their character and not so much how good looking they are. if a man appears to be in love with himself, it's a put off for some women, i don't know if that's how you see yourself, but you seem to have many good qualities and you know it too. you may be sending out the wrong signals, if you're acting like you're a very good looking person, women can pick up on that and tend to not bother with people like that. the other thing is that maybe you're trying too hard to be with someone, you never find love when you're looking for it, i know that from my own experience. love will find you, so don't look so hard for that right one. and you may also be setting your sights too high, if you are looking for someone very beautiful and perfect, i don't think you'll ever find her because no-one is perfect in this world. looks do count sometimes but mainly people who are very attractive seem to be the ones who treat us bad, (again i'm talking from my own experience this may not be for all women) so we tend to go for the average looking people who treat us right. you've said you're good looking and it's not a sin to think well of yourself, all i'm thinking is maybe you are acting like you're better than any other men and maybe the women are picking up on your body language and aren't interested in you. women don't need a vain man, they need to be told how lovely they are and they need to be loved by a man not for a man to love himself and not them. you seem like a nice person who just wants to find someone special but like i said you won't if you're looking too hard, there is someone out there for everyone and i'm sure you'll get that someone should you not look so hard, and just enjoy your life, by surprise someone will come along and you'll wonder why you never spotted her in the first place and it will only be because you weren't looking, that's when they come along. many times i've been out thinking "right this is the night i'm going to find someone special" and i never have, yet when i've been out with my friends and not looked at other man at all, i find many are talking to me and more often than not i've ended up dating one of them. good luck with everything and i hope you understand my point and aren't offended by it in anyway because that's not how i meant it to come accross to you.

first of all i think sometimes people are trapped into being with someone and maybe this guy is ready to leave her, but then somehow she traps him into staying. i've a friend who's been wanting to leave his girlfriend for months now, they have two children together and he's very unhappy but daren't leave because he says she'll have nothing without him and will be brokenhearted. now he's thinking of her and her feelings which is nice of him but he's also got to think of himself, people do get hurt it's all part of life but i also feel for the man you love in a way because he's got this home with someone maybe he finds it really hard to leave her, she may have even threatened to end her life should he leave her, as some men and women do do that to keep the one they love. it's also hard for him to find a new place to live, having to move out. but i also think shana has a point in saying can't you have him move in with you?? maybe that's the answer and also it's not like you don't know each other, it's been 30 years i am sure he knows you better than anyone else does and vice versa. his partner seems very uncaring towards him to not even be there for him at the hospital. i don't think you should give up on him and stay out his life because 30 years is such a long time to love someone, you'd be throwing away what might be total happiness but then again you do have to tell him how you're feeling and ask what he's going to do about moving out. you need answers because it's unfair of him to mess you about even though it seems he does love you.

this may not be what you want to hear but i think she's playing mind games. she obviously knows how much you like her still and she's playing on it. i don't think she wants you back, she wants you to want her and not be with anyone else. she isn't bothered about you, not in the way of getting back together. i've been through this with an ex to the point where i got back with him three times but everytime he wasn't interested in me, he just wanted me to want him. he liked the attention. the fact was he didn't want me, but he didn't want me being with anyone else either. the only thing you can do is to be strong enough not to kiss her no matter how tempting. i know you had to get your laptop but i don't think you should go round to see her, or call her anymore. be friendly if she talks to you but never give her the idea you want her back, she will play on it even more. whatever phonecall she received in the car sounds suspicious too, if it was just a friend calling her, she wouldn't have needed to turn her phone off after the call. she doesn't deserve someone caring like you when all she's doing is hurting you even more and seems to be enjoying it.

i don't believe all they say in magazines etc, because each person is different and feels love in a different way. i was with my ex only a year and he left me when i was 6 months pregnant, i've taken two years to get over him. i dated other people but couldn't stop thinking about him so stopped dating as it wasn't fair to the other men. i got back with my ex three times, in between those times he was dating also but finished it and came back to me. i was so in love with him, but everytime i got back with him he never changed, he was very possessive and wouldn't let me have any friends. i was still in love with him until november last year, he let his son down for the last time and i ended his visits with his son and stopped him coming to the house, he chose his girlfriend over his son. this was where our contact ended altogether. we are now civil with each other and i was over the moon to find out he'd broken up with his new wife 5 months after getting married. i thought i was happy because i loved him still, but i realised i don't love him, i was happy because he deserves nothing more than to be alone because of how he treats women. he doesn't want to see my son anymore either and at first i cried alot of tears but then suddenly got over it. it's his loss, i stopped him coming to the house to see his son because i didn't want him here, but i was willing for him to see him through a mutual friend to pick up his son, but that didn't happen, in the end he said he didn't want to see him at all, so i got over it and started dating again and didn't think of my ex anymore. i think people may always care even a little for their ex, i will care for him but never get back with him and never put my life on hold just for him. it's too short to be wasted on one man that doesn't want to know you.

my ex left me three years ago, and although i think i'm over it now i did take two years to get over it. i dated other people but was always thinking about him, you should not be dating anyone else when your mind is on an ex, for one you'll be unhappy with your new man/woman and for another it's not fair to the new partner that you have feelings for an ex. when i dated other people, i started turning nasty and treating them badly, bringing them to tears sometimes because they thought they'd done something wrong when they hadn't it was me who was still pining for my ex. the best solution is to be alone until you're ready to move on, you don't want to hurt anyone else through your healing process, no matter how nice the person is you're dating, it won't help you get over your ex any quicker and it's not fair to them. i've been over my ex for a year now, but still i sit there from time to time and wonder what we'd be doing now if we were together, but when you've been in love and i mean real love, then you'll maybe always care for that person, but it's when you know you've stopped being in love with them then you know you can move on and be with someone else, and not before.

the situation you're in is really confusing, because after reading your second post, it seems he isn't like my ex and doesn't mind being alone. but he also doesn't need to be loved because you loved him and he still broke up with you. he's also not scared of committment because 7 years is committment. do you think the distance got to him, he wasn't seeing you enough? and this other girl he's now with is nearer to him. but if it's to do with the distance then he's taken 7 years to decide so it couldn't really be that either. unless talking of marriage frightened him a little and he ended it because of this. maybe he suddenlt realised he's not ready for marriage. i really don't understand why, not only he's left you but also why he's not talking to you at all. because at least if you were friends you could ask him all this and find out why he's changed so much. my ex changed me, but for the worse, because i'm now more insecure than i've ever been in my life, anyone i meet and get with, i'm terrified of them hurting me the way he has, but i can't imagine how you feel because it's 7 years and i know how distraught i felt after just one year, although i suppose i was pregnant too and believed he was my soul mate and we'd be together forever. i hope some day you manage to talk to him, because the worst thing about breaking up is the not knowing why, you just want answers so you're able to move on, i've still not got the answers from my ex and we've been civil with each other on and off for three years, but he's never told me why he left me, so i'll never know. i don't think someone can fall out of love that easily though, i believe my ex loved me and i believe yours did you too. it's just a shame he's not even willing to talk to you about it. being friends is better than being nothing at all sometimes.

i've had the same thing too. only i was with someone a year and fell pregnant, it was what we both wanted, i thought he was my soulmate and we would be together forever, i'd never been in love like this before. he left me when i was 6 months pregnant, we lived together and two days after he left me, he was living with someone else, i then knew what heartache was. within a few months she was pregnant too and he left her, and got back with another ex. he later married this time, but only for 5 months and then moved on again. i don't think my ex has ever been alone to get over each relationship. he has been married 3 times, all failed and has 5 children, only one of which he still sees. he no longer sees my son, he wanted to see his new girlfriend more than our son. his visits ended over a year ago. now i believe he's single for the first time in years, but only because the new girl he dumped his wife for, has ended it because she's heard bad things about him. he's violent and possessive!!! other than this relationship he's ended them all and moved on to someone else within days. it's like he's never had feelings for me or any of the other ex's. the only conclusion i could draw up was that he is afraid of being alone. he's 36 now and still living with his parents. he's moved out that many times and in with different women but now he's back at home and alone where he deserves to be. i think it's so heartless how men can be like this, and i'm sure there's women out there who are the same, however i could not be. even if i am the one to end a relationship i still could not be with someone else right away not only out of respect for them, but also because i like to be single for a while and decide what i want. i think men do fear being alone forever but that's the way they will be if they move from one to another so fast because they're not giving themselves time to get over the previous girlfriend and any hurt and pain they feel, they take out on their new girlfriend, and hence another failed relationship and so the circle carries on. i don't know where it ends and i don't even know why they get with someone else so quickly, all i can guess is what i've said that they fear being alone. but don't we all at some point in our lives? but it doesn't make us all like that and in the meantime of figuring out what they want, they are hurting women in the process and causing hearts to break. when my ex left me and moved in with someone else, he went back to our house to collect his things, by this time i'd moved back with my parents, he text me saying "i can't believe you've actually gone, i've come to get my things and you're not here". what did it matter to him, he was living with someone else, did he expect me to still be there hoping he'd come back to me??? this only caused me more heartache, but i think that's what he wanted, he loves attention knowing he can be with anyone and loving the fact that his ex's want him back. i will never understand.

when you find friendship with someone new you tend to push old friends away at first because you've found something new and more exciting. it's like when you get a boyfriend you tend to not see your other friends as much as you used to, the novelty soon wears off though and you end up spending more time with your friends again. do you think mary wants to be with paul as more than friends?? because it sounds like they are getting on very well, and like each other alot and you shouldn't be worried about that unless you have stronger feelings for paul that you'd like to admit?? if you're feeling pushed out of the frienship then you ought to talk to one of them about it, i'd say paul because he's your closest friend and may understand you more. friends do sometimes drift apart from each other but you'll always make new ones, we don't always keep the same friends for life, but because you feel so much for these friends it's best you talk to them or one of them to tell them how you feel otherwise how are they meant to know? the fact that paul makes jokes about you in front of the other two means nothing, friends sometimes do do that and it's all to do with whether you have the same sense of humour as paul does. i'm sure he's only joking and means nothing nasty or hurtful by it, but you've taken it all the wrong way and see it like he's getting at you. also the fact he's hugged mary should mean nothing to you, friends hug all the time, and isn't it good that they are friends now and not enemies anymore, because if paul's your best friend and mary's a close friend to you too, it's better you all get along as a group than have two of them fighting and not liking each other.

maybe she thinks the boyfriend girlfriend thing is too much committment for her right now, she might think she's got to stop doing alot of the things she does if she's with you officially. us girls do like our independence as well as having a man around. she's obviously interested in you to be doing everything that girlfriends and boyfriends do. also if all her friends are single, she may not want to get with anyone because of this. sometimes it's like when all your friends have a girlfriend, you want one too, so it's maybe the same for her but the opposite. unless there's been someone in her life who's really hurt her before, she might either still be getting over it, or if she's over it she might be scared of being hurt again. after an ex treated me very badly i went out on a few dates but it was me who decided i didn't want anything more and the only reason was because i was scared of being hurt again. you could ask her why she doesn't want to be with you as a couple and see what answer she gives. it's best to be honest with her about your feelings and hope she's honest back too, otherwise you'll get nowhere with each other if there's no honesty there.