d346

In agreement with the last two posts, I don't think you'll be ok. You are going to feel miserable like you do now, for the next 6 months. Just to have another "talk" that may not work out the way you want. He loves you, you love him. But I think you should take a step back and think about what you want for YOURSELF and how you REALLY want him to treat you. Not this way. You're unhappy. It will continue if you live in the house. In fact, he is fine with everything, -he's only affected when you get upset and make a fuss about things. That not really fair is it? the balances arent really even! My advice: find another place, and someone to take your room. Tell matt, I'm sorry, but you need to do your thing, so I need to do mine. why don't you check out link removed yourself? you could meet some new friends!!! Move on with life. I'm not suggesting dating. I know how it feels to not want to date anyone, and honestly you shouldn['t if you're not ready. But look into activities, living situations where you can make new friends! it can open doors to meeting new people. And perhaps give you a new perspective on your current relationship situation. You'd be surprised how much you may change your mind about things! Honestly so he wants to see what's out there....and you are hurt. But I agree with skynet! He just told you you're not good enough right now. He's looking for something else. So take this as your opportunity to say, "well you know what, then maybe YOU'RE not good enough for me" -He may have all the qualities that you look for in a guy, but he's missing the most important. The committment to you!!!!

ok, that has gotten pretty bad. I really think right now you have to let him go. Not breakup, but let him pursue whatever he's thinking. My take is, no matter how much space you gave him before, it wasn't enough. Remember he wasn't ready to talk about things?The letter you sent him overwhelmed him, and I truly believe he doesn't know what to say. But I do know his gut reaction is to step back. It's too much for him. Honestly let him spread his wings. I am pretty confident that if he lived separately, he wouldn't want to date other girls. Right now though, he feels so boxed in, that that seems like a way to get out of the box. He also sound a bit like my guy. He loves you, but again boxed in. If anything, I have learned that guys like a confident, independent woman. A) it's attractive to them, B) it takes the pressure off. No one wants the stress of someone "needing them" on their shoulders. So, he was overwhelmed by your letter, and as a result went out to the bar so he could avoid you. He wasn't looking for girls, he just didn't know how to deal. Now my boyfriend calls me a few times a day, asking what I'm up to, wondering if we can meet up, etc, etc. Before we moved apart he turned me away, closed up on me. I am soooo much happier now that I don't have to pry, and ask what's wrong, can we talk, and wait for him to come around! Honestly, the more you want to "talk" about things, the more you'll chase him away. I know this from experience, as well as friends!

yes, moving out is a step backwards. And I didn't want it. But I had to let it happen. He had been hinting at it for months. And one day it all just blew up. So we did it. I missed him, and we did move backwards -resulting in tension that led to a breakup. Don't get me wrong, I wish that never happened. I was happy living together. However, for some reason he wasn't, and I deserved better than sitting around crossing my fingers that he would be. Thinking, maybe if I tried to be more spontaneous, tried to be more loving, seduced him more he'd want to continue living together. You can't do that. The fact of the matter is that my boyfriend got scared that this is it, and that I was hinting at marriage. He was like "oh my god, I never got to have my own place" I was like, who cares? -but apparently he did! we are working on reconcilation. Sometimes we spend the whole weekend together, with breaks to stop at one another's place to change/shower. Some week days we only see one another once or twice. But when we do, it's solid and great. I would love to live with him again, but this time, not without a diamond on my finger!!!

ok, this is my take. my situation was close to yours. The difference was, was I was seeing the signs of him pulling away, and he thought it would be a good idea to move into separate apartments before we broke up -with intentions to get a little space...not break up. Well we moved, it was hard for me to handle not seeing him so much, I got more demanding, he pulled back more -and it blew up until I got the "I don't know about things" "I need some time" yet he didn't seem to be upset at the possibility of losing me forever. That killed me. Anyway, I wouldn't stand for this. I knew he loved me, and he claimed it was hard for him too, but I couldn't get past the fact that he was willing to let me go. for all he knew I could have found someone else...I'm quite a catch lol! As for you, I'm sure he loves you, and he's not evil-spirited. But do you want to put up with this anymore? yes, he wants to share tender moments with you, but does he want to spend his life with you? He says maybe later, but who knows, really. Don't settle to hope for the moments. You'll be walking on egg shells for the next year and he may never make a decision on the matter. I couldn't eat either, when I didn't know about things. Once I decided we were breaking up, I could eat again. -It was devestating, yet liberating. By the way, I refused to talk to my ex -I was extremely upset. And I told him I wouldn't stand for him walking away from me (of course in a teary weapy way!) But you know what? A month later he wanted to start over. He realized what he gave up, and we're back together! And now he knows not to pull any crap, because I won't stand for it. So I feel really confident that he wants to be with me, because he knows the rules about being with me. waiting and walking on eggshells is the worst. He owes you more than "I don't want to talk about it right now"...he just does! You can tell him that you love him, but you can't do this anymore. Be strong! You sound like you were when you decided to move to VA on your own! Be that person again! If he loves you, in time he may come back full force, and then you can be confident that it was a conscious decision on his part and then he won't try to leave you again. If you wait around hoping that random moments of tenderness will turn back into what you had, will you ever be confident about your realtionship again? Probably not, you'll probably fall apart at any sign of aloofness on his part. Distance yourself and make him decide what he wants. Hearing you're a beautiful woman from him may be flattering, but you want more than that!

maybe you should pick up one of those change of address cards at the post office, and place it on top of her mail pile. Kind of a hint , "please forward your mail"

yeah, I hear you. And I am being patient. I am not flying off the handle. I don't want to be needy. Because I dont' NEED him. last night I was kind of quiet on the phone because I realized after my weekend trip, he wasn't going to initiate seeing one another (it was around 9pm). He asked if anything was wrong, that I didn't seem myself, and I said no. I guess I can be patient. But don't I owe it to myself to be with someone who always wants to be with me? Perhaps that's what I'm hung up on. My pride. I guess maybe it's petty, but sometimes I feel like I"m always initiating. Then again he is the type who doesn't make plans -kind of flies by the seat of his pants, so he would never make specific plans to meet up/stay over until the moment of. thereforeeee I always feel I'm doing the intiating. Since I like to make "plans" for my evening -in fact, I like to make plans for my week! It's just frustrating. Believe it or not, living together was so much easier. Well for me, anyway. He's the one who went through the quarterlife crisis...

you really shouldn't get mad about this (other things, yes, but not this) because honestly there's no way of knowing if she took you off her list or not. There's a good chance she took you off, and if that 's the case, she'd never even know you're online. So, there's no point of getting mad everytime you see her log on and not contact you.

Craig, I'm sure she loves you -I've been following your posts. But at this point, she obviously is a little out of touch with reality. I would be annoyed too. Apparently she's pretty comfortable with your current situation, because she feels comfortable griping at you about mundane things like showers etc. And the bit about your friend...the fact that she got upset that you didn't contact her back! -that's not cool. She doesn't have the right to be! You're not together, and you said you don't want to be friends. at most she should offer a shoulder to lean on if you need it -but not get mad if you don't take it! I would say she's crossing the line, with her dropping by, sending her "love" to your son, and various friends. Maybe there is no line, so she doesn't even know she's doing it. pehaps next time she asks you what's wrong (since you said she's done this time to time when on the phone) you should mention that the scenario is hard for you. You love her, but casual contact is not for you (especially where it concerns your son)

maybe you should take her off your list for a little while. I took my ex's phone number out of my cell. Obviously I knew his number, but it would have taken more effort to dial his number manually in a moment of weakness.

I have been reading these posts for a bit, and have been following those situations, where a significant other has left, given little explanation why, and thus began the NC, and the waiting.... I broke up with my bf for a month -he didn't know about things (ultimately I think it was marriage that freaked him out after 3 years together) -he needed time, space, I was demanding too much. We also had lived together, (something we did impetuously, so we moved apart, and me pushing to see him more pushed him away) ANYWAY, I was upset, told him straight out, we did NC and he eventually came back -saying he was stupid for leaving, he is totally in love with me -let's start over again -rebuild. OK, so after reading many of your posts, this seems like the ultimate success story. A bond that couldn't be broken -an instance where NC actually made us realize how much we missed one another and mean to each other. But now we're back together, and we're "starting over again" But I can't help but wonder if taking it slow is just BS. (He knows we need to communicate, and he should never walk away like that again -and I can't nag on him anymore) but I am beginning to wonder if I can settle for "starting over" after 3 years. We spend most of the weekend together, 1 maybe 2 weeknights together, but he's really busy with a lot of activities. He calls everyday/night, but I can't help but feel a twinge of disappointment that he doesn't want to see me each night, I mean we used to live together!!! -we were a team, and on the whole I loved that. So it's hard to take steps backwards. For example, I went to the beach this weekend with my friends (still focusing on myself!). I didn't see him. He called when I got back, and we just chatted, and he said well, I'm tired, I'm off to bed. I guess he didn't miss me enough to want to see me. So now I wonder, how long does this last? we already did the "falling head over heels in love" thing, and moved in with one another impetuously. After the breakup, and everything, how long are we going to do this dating thing?, -it's not exactly a courtship, since we've known each other 3 years already. we just aren't seeing each other as much. -and what will ever move us forward again? Perhaps I'm impatient. But maybe he will never want to marry me. How can I not have doubts? Anyway, as I have seen on this board, and as I believe muenca advised -I shouldn't be demanding, I should do my thing, and I am...and I am not nagging. However I am beginning to wonder if I can settle for less -less than what we had, you know? So, I guess my question is, if you decide to take your ex back -and take it slow like they want it, is it worth it? I'm sure you'll all have to start slow too if you get back together. Some of you are only talking to them sporadically, hoping next time is more. Is this what we really want? Maybe I'm being over dramatic. but it can be really frustrating too.

yeah, you can't generalize women and their girlfriends like that. My boyfriend's friends told him to "get rid of her" when he mentioned that I was intereted in marriage. All they're interested in is "freedom" and going out drinking -and clearly weren't giving solid advice I pick and choose what I tell my friends. Because honestly only some can be unbiased. That's the only advice worth taking. Unfortunately people can be easily swayed by biased advice.

my advice to you...give her her space!!! Don't freak out. it will be ok. People go through ups and downs in their lives, -sometimes it has nothing to do with you, but they have to discover that for themselves. Trust me, It could be/get so much worse. Giving her the space since you guys are long distance could actually be not so hard. Just skip a weekend and see how it goes... I ran into this, and I freaked out. I became very insecure, and instead of giving the needed space, I held on tighter. (I would try to give him space, but then suggest doing things that seemed not too intense, call and be upset about his tone of voice -I became really insecure) It finally blew up, and he REALLY needed space. We broke up for a month!!! But even if that were to happen, (worst case scenareo) We didn't talk during that time, and he realized how much he missed having me in his life. So he came around. And now, after our time apart, I don't feel so insecure on my own. -Just happy to have him back in my life, and I have a newfound confidence that he DOES want to be with me. He proved it to me by coming back and telling me so.

NC helped me in winning my ex back (it was only 3 weeks or so) But really, my motivation for NC was to protect my dignity. My ex did that wishy washy, "I don't know about things" crap, and I felt that after investing a few years together that was not only hurtful but insulting! I was upset, told him what I thought of his actions, and what he wanted as a "break"was a break-up to me. I wasn't going to do the in-between because A)I deserved better, and B) It was too hurtful to keep in contact with someone who doesn't know if they want to be with you. Turns out that the by-product of this was a boyfriend who not only missed me, but realized that he hurt me by withdrawing -and it made him realize that I won't accept him disappearing everytime things get hard or complicated. I do believe that if you want to contact the ex and make things work, go for it -I don't think NC should be used as a tool, because in the end it'll just be BS. BS that may lead to another break up.

It sounds like she really does love you, and isn't being intentionally hurtful or selfish. It really sounds like she can't commit fully, but if she were to, you would be the one. Keep on doing what you're doing. Because in the end you have to look out for yourself and what you want. You don't want the in between. It won't make you happy.

I have to agree. Granted I don't know her -but given your story and her behavior after TEN years... it sounds like it may not change. She'll probably just flaunt her newfound independence in your face. it'll only hurt. To be the devil's advocate....who cares if it's affordable -she took your car, and YOU had to go get a new one as well as a new apartment. Don't be her doormat.

Ick!!! Can you tell her that you feel uncomfortable with her moving downstairs? That you would prefer she moves elsewhere? To be honest, I feel it's a little inappropriate, if not down right selfish of her! There must be a million apartments she can move into! Just my two cents.

I think I've officially become a lurker on this site...still interested in some of these stories, and always interested in helping! I say that because me and the boyfriend celebrated our 3 year anniversary last night! yea! Anyway, at one point our conversation drifted to our issues (without hostility -we have pretty much duked it all out and smoothed it out by now)...but one thing he said to me was "I know that maybe I needed some growing up to do, and I shouldn't have run away like that -and I still am sorry...but I really think I needed to pull away and be on my own to figure out what I wanted" In retrospect, he had been wrestling with a few things for a few months preceding our breakup -and wasn't quite himself. I don't support what he did, but I think the ONLY way he was able to work things out with himself, and figure out what was important to him and what he wanted was BY HIMSELF.. completely. I was out of the picture -and he knew he could have lost me forever (since I'm quite a catch -lol!). -Experience the daily things alone -not be able to pick up the phone if he had a crappy day, have to look for someone else's ear for sound advice. He also needed to have a little fear that IF he wanted to come back, I may not be there. I think it was the only way he was able to force himself to REALLY think about things. When he did come back, and we talked things out, our conversation was so much more productive -and we were very clear on what we wanted and didn't want. We weren't wishy-washy. I agree with Shocked and Dismayed. The fact that you're there perhaps is leading her to never face the consequences of her actions. Since really, there are none. I don't know her at all, but this could probably never change. Why would it, without some sort of catalyst to shake things up? You guys seem to have found a nice equilibrium... (obviously not nice for you though) I think of high school science -where everything in nature works towards equilibrium -only an outside stimulous would shake it up again. (sorry for the perhaps lame comparison!) I just have a question...do you get mad when she asks for your discount, or asks you if something is wrong if you don't want to talk to her at midnight? I think I would. Also, it kind of indicates that she sees no problem with your current situation. In fact, it may be just what she wants. I bet if you were to take one more step and accompany her to the movies/concerts she has mentioned, she'd probably perfectly content with the status of your relationship. How that make you feel? Is that good enough for you? Just some two cents! (I must admit its always easier to pick things apart from a distance!)

Craig, You sound like a wonderfully patient boyfriend. I hope if I ever were to pull this on my boyfriend he would be so understanding! But I agree (I may have even posted to you before) she knows you are there, is reaching out to you, so probably feels VERY comfortable that she can do her thing but has the safety of you in the background. This happened to me, and I was not so understanding. I didn't exactly tell him to hit the road, but after my tears, and me pleading "we can work it out" "let's start over" I got mad. Mad that he could walk away because "he didn't know about things" In my opinion you shouldn't do that to someone you love and have had a solid committment with for 3 years. He knew I loved him, but I told him he can't do that to me, and I have to move on...and we didn't talk for a long time. I actually even saw him once in the store, and we did an awkward exchange of hellos, and I told him I needed to get out of there, and turned around and left. I made it VERY clear that I was unhappy with his actions and I deserved better. No one deserves to wait around for someone!!! Now I know you're moving on and going on dates, but the fact that you tell her you love her and are there for her will change nothing on her end. Plus you're going on these dates and your heart is elsewhere. Shortly after my run in in the store, my ex called me (like an hour later) to say he felt really bad about that, and didn't want to leave things that way. and I was like, "well, that's how things are right now!" He still hadn't come up with any resolutions, but it gave me the opportunity to tell him how unhappy I was with the way he dealt with things (some details that I won't bother to go into) He said a lot of "I'm sorry, and I didn't know what to do...I still don't know what I want..." So after that we left it that way. No contact. He finally emailed me to ask me how things were going -and I replied something short and sweet, like fine, keeping busy, also processing everything on my end. then he replied that if it was worth anything, he missed me and was thinking of me. I left it at that. Then a few days later he called me. My heart skipped a beat, but I answered it...and I have to say -he tried the small talk. I wouldn't go for it though -I immediately said "what is that you want?" he was a little surprised, and asked if I didn't want him to call -and I said I wasn't up for small talk, that he knows how I feel. Needless to say, he eventually wanted to make things work -that he realized we both can survive without one another, but we'd both be so much happier WITH one another. (I tried to tell him this from the get-go, and he didn't believe me) He had to really FEEL that he was losing me to come to this conclusion. In your case, I'm sure she misses you, but still knows you are there -so she hasn't lost anything. In my case, he really felt it when something funny, bad, annoying happened and he couldn't even pick up the phone and call to tell me about it. I think you have to miss the little things you take for granted in the relationship to actually make a decision. so, I guess after my long-winded message, my suggestion is to pull away like you said, but maybe tell her why first -that you understand that she is unsure of things, but you can no longer handle the casualness of it all -that you said from the get-go you are not interested in just being friends. You deserve more! and you want more! don't settle!

I met my boyfriend at 24... First real relationship. just have fun, hang out with your friends and try not to think of it. Sure, I was VERY ready to be in a relationship and was tired of being alone, but along he came when I least expected it -a friend of a friend who decided to come out one night. Plus, what he found so attractive was my sense of individuality and independence. Perhaps from being alone from all those years!

I know how you feel... desperate to put some sort of message out there to put yourself on top. -I kept saying to my friends "should I call him?" should I say... or....? The best message you can send him is distance. Don't call. He'll wonder why you aren't, what you're up to, and if YOU have moved on!

every time you have the urge to contact him, go over there, or ask him out -just remember how hurtful and humiliating it is when he shoots you down. Remember the last incidents and how you felt. Protect your pride! It's the one thing you still can have! Plus, if you guys are truly over, wouldn't you rather that he remembers you fondly as perhaps the one that didn't work out and "got away" rather than the crazy one? (not that you are acting crazy -but god knows what is going through his head...) I know it hurts, and you love him (I've been there!) but some good advice someone gave to me -getting back together is only worthwile if he expresses he can't live without you. If he doesn't someone else will!

well, maybe my success story will help you out. My boyfriend pulled the same thing after 3 years. Typical quarterlife crisis, doesn't know what he wants with his life, career, etc. and me wondering about our future didn't help. So he bailed -said "he didn't know about things" needed time to be alone, and when I asked him if it was goodbye, he said "not forever." Basically he couldn't commit to the relationship, yet he couldn't commit to breaking up either. I was very upset, yet hopeful he'd figure things out. Then I got mad. How dare he walk away like that after 3 years? We were a team. The most important individuals in each of our lives. I felt that you don't do that to someone you love. So I didn't contact him. And it upset me more that he wasn't calling me. I was extremely hurt. Evenutally a couple weeks later I ran into him at the store -it was very awkward, and I was short with him, telling him I had to leave, and that's what I did. This apparently affected him because he called an hour later. He was still uncertain about what he wanted, but I was able to tell him that I was unhappy with the way he handled us...(some other details that I didn't include) -I was firm, and brought up some valid points. I didn't have the heart to tell him it was over, so I said well we'll go our separate ways, and whatever's meant to be is meant to be. A few days later, he emailed me to see how I was doing. I held firm -replied a brief email, that I was ok, keeping busy,also figuring things out on my end. Then he called me. I wanted to know immediately what he wanted, and made it clear that I wasn't interested in establishing small talk. And let me tell you...it worked. He missed me like crazy. And the fact that he saw I was holding strong (and displeased with him) attracted him more! (I was borderlining needy at our breakup) Time apart without contact really allowed me to regain my strength. I felt I could move on, OR be a stronger person WITH him. He eventually called again and asked if we can start over again (something he seemed to think was not feasible at the time of our breakup...after me pleading with him) He said that things got complicated, but he realizes that he's still completely in love with me. Well of course! I knew he loved me, and the best thing in his life disappeared for 3 weeks. He just had to see what life was like without it! I was hesitant, but said "I would be lying if I said I didn't want to try" (because, mind you I was still hurt, and was beginning to wonder if he'd ever return) I eventually saw him and he pounced upon me with a huge hug and smile (something you're not going to get if you continuously and casually see your ex) which was amazinly gratifying. I really feel now that he appreciates me and really wants to try. And I feel stronger...won't ever be a doormat again!!! ps. this was all very hard. I probably cried for 3 weeks straight....at home, at work, at bars. It was insane. But I held my ground despite the pain. and hopefully it will lead to a stronger bond and new self awareness between us. -so this never happens again!

hmmmm..... Ideally, if he contacts you perhaps you should try to work things out -since you guys are married, and you should try your best to save the marriage. Otherwise no conact -don't let him do that in between. It allows him to not honor his committment to you as well will drive you nuts and hurt you repeatedly. Of course this is ideal advice. I'm sure easier said than done!

I was just reading through, and have noticed that people are giving you some constructive advice... some answers to the title of your post, "what do you guys make of this?" It sounds like you've already decided what you're going to do.

hurt and confused, Alot of us have been firm believers in no contact -and it has helped us either get on with our lives or let our significant others realize how much we mean to them. The later, is kind of a game -not a manipulative one...but more like a tactic that often facilitates their return. However, (granted I'm purely an outsider on a message board so excuse my audacity!) You two are married -have pledged to commit to one another for life, so I think there's no room for games here. I really think you should haul his a$$ into counseling! We have dealt with this in our relationships, but with the idea that if it doesn't work out, then we're better off. Something to be discovered BEFORE marriage! He keeps coming back, so obviously he does love you. But his back and forth behavior probably won't stop without some sort of help.