d346

you can't pressure anyone to do anything, but will you be happy just waiting and seeing? not mentioning it, "maybe he'll change his mind" "he wants kids together, so I'm sure it means he'll want to get married eventually" "he never said never, just not now or in the next year" what do YOU want? That doesn't seem fair that he holds all the cards, and you get to wait and see...! You shouldn't feel bad that he gets angry with you! You deserve to express your desires. At 30, you shouldn't be waiting for a guy to get his act together. Be strong. (I've dealt with this -and I know your pain) however I currently am happily engaged. no regrets!

hmm.... marriage IS more than just a piece of paper! It's a solid commitment, it's a promise to embark on your life together, it's peace of mind that he is in your future -and peace of mind that you don't have to beg, bug, or wait patiently (or maybe I should say impatiently!) while he decides he's ready!! anyway, i think it's an age thing -I'm the same age, and guys I know are JUST starting to settle down. How many unmarried guys do you know in their mid to late 30s? probably not many. It just takes them a while. why do we wait? maybe we're idealistic. we meet a man that satisfies all our criteria, who is tons of fun, and who seems to be a wonderful life-long mate. And as he still isn't interested in marriage, perhaps we rationalize that maybe soon he will be. maybe he'll change his mind. that's why i stayed with my guy. however, it was such a tough call for me, because in our 4 or so years together he showed tons of indication that he did want to marry me (even said it a few times), but when under the gun, or when going through a cynical phase from time to time, he'd be almost down on marriage.-and that would frustrate me to no end. As I mentioned above, timing is everything. If they do indicate a spark of interest here and there, they come around ON THIER OWN. (I am now engaged, and he's actually very excited, and it's been fabulous making "life plans" together -not just wedding plans. we're now a team instead of separate entities, and I love it!) But you have to make the call if he will want to marry you on his own, and if he wil be pleased about his decision. Otherwise, maybe it IS time to call it quits

well, we never suggested full custody, but she on her own scoffed at the idea, that she'd never "let us take her son from her." I think she said that when my fiance suggested he stay at our place during the week so he could stay at his school and in his sports. Then she went on a tirade about him not being able to pull it off, -criticizing him for working and not being able to pick him up from school at 3. She claims that she will be a full time stay at home mom living off her husband's income. A choice that has merit, BUT she always has a bunch of odd jobs to pay the bills...,-and ironically is dumping her kids off at grandma's nearby. 4 out of 10 times we take his son home, she tells us to drop him off at grandma's. If she moves, we don't understand how she's going to manage without grandma nearby.. sigh...

actually, I think grandma still has official custody! we're going to get a lawyer involved. Ideally, we'd like to amicably establish official joint custody (he can even still live with her if she wants that -fiance just wants say in important decisions) fiance just talked to her -it started as a hostile argument that ended a little more calmly. Apparently she is freaking out that we bought a house. No one is trying to take him away from her -we just want to settle down nearby her current residence, so we can help keep things easy and "status quo" It's not fair that we wait a couple years to buy our house - to see what she does -since history has told, she doesn't really think things through

warning: long post! my fiancé has a 10 yr old son, who was conceived with a high school girlfriend. They were minors, so had delegated official custody to "grandma" (who she lived with at the time.) -they were never married 10 yrs later, both have been to college, grown, and although the son has lived full time with the mom, my fiancé has a loving and active relationship with him. They never went back to court, or done anything legal, but they amicably decided upon monthly child support, school tuition, visitation, the nights he would stay with dad, etc. A little background on mom: She is a decent mother, but has made some BAD decisions in her life since. Got pregnant again, moved in with that guy with his son (in another county) –broke up with him, and moved back home –making his son switch schools literally overnight. Currently her custody situation with this other man is a strict 3days on 3days off rotation –between counties. –and it's about a 40min drive for her. She again, had another child since with another man. This man she ended up marrying. Recently my fiancé and I bought a house near his son's school. He wants to be closer, since he's very active in his sports, etc. And would love to have stay him over on weeknights. The mom now states that she wants to move back to the county of her second son, and take my fiance's son with her –a move that is over an hour away from us. BUT she has no solid plans yet…"sometime next summer" and claims that she chose this location because it's all she can afford (looking to buy a home…and it's NOT a nice area) My fiance's son has been told by his mom that he will be switching schools the year after next, and will no longer be playing on his sports teams. He's a great kid, and loves his mom very much, so he isn't making waves –but he started crying yesterday because he doesn't want to switch schools or move away from his dad and family (his extended family all live nearby, and have practically helped raise him). Ideally, we wish to convince his mom to stay in the area. Simply talking to her isn't really an option. Done that. We know that we can't be as active, if he moves away. We also know that the sports aren't important to her, and without us helping out, he probably will sit at home and watch tv –or end up babysitting his brothers. We could try to keep him with us full time, but it would be a costly court battle (don't know if we'd win) and not necessarily in the best interest , since his son loves both parents dearly (and now has brothers that with his mother), and we don't want to make this hostile –and make him choose. Any advice? Can we file an order to not allow her to move? What's involved?

I think a big problem too, is that although he doesn't like his parents intruding, and tries to avoid it -they've done it so much throughout his life, that he doesn't even realize it when they're doing it. (he only does when they start being very unreasonable) I was talking to my mother today, who A. lives 5 hours away, B. is respectful of my own decisions -she was appauled that his dad has a contractor coming. She seemed to think that was unacceptable, since it is my and my fiance's house, not his, to invite professionals to. Plus, a contractor should tell US about repairs, not dad. I completely agree, but feel I have to choose my battles wisely here. But how do I get them to butt out?!! we're the one paying the bills, signing the contracts and ultimiately living there!

Anyone have any good advice for dealing with inlaws? Mine are in-laws-to-be, but really upsetting me. They are local, and have always been very involved/intrusive in my fiance's life. Sometimes he thinks that's the norm and deals with it, other times he just ignores them. Now, I've known these people for almost 4 years now. but now that we're making decisions, they're intruding, and not only is it making me angry, but upsetting me. For example, the fiance and I just bought a house. We were thrilled but a little nervous, since it's our first...we don't fully know what we're getting into. From the minute they heard -they were upset -that we didn't ask his dad to do a walk through, that it was too much money, that my fiance was in over his head...(no mention of me, btw). The dad picked apart the house once he saw it, and scared the living daylights out of my fiance. By the way, the stuff wasn't that major. He just made him feel bad for paying that much. -every time he sees him he had a new snippet of info. Last time it was that the mirror image house accross the street went for 25k less last year. Again, making us feel bad. It's settled a bit, but the dad is coming to the inspection. I really don't want him there -My fiance says it'll be fine, and so now I have to let it go, since I don't want to go behind my fiance's back and disinvite the dad. His dad even has a contractor coming to look at an unstable porch. We coulc use one, -and maybe he's helping, but this feels like it's spinning out of control. My fiance said he'll have a talk with them to tell them we're buying this house regardless of what they say -and ask him to lay off a bit. But how is the best way to approach this? By the way, they say none of this in front of me, so I never get the opportunity to put in my 2 cents. I CAN'T have these people affecting our decisions in life!!!!

well, as I anticipated, the fiance came back from showing the house to his dad, freaked out. His dad pointed out a bunch of things wrong. In my opinion it doesn't sound too major, considering a 70 yr old house. -the most major was some rotting by the roof on the little side porch, some old water damage on one of the basement windows... I'm sure a building inspector can give more info, and we can negotiate with seller. one of the things he pointed out was a patch of poison ivy and animal holes in the yard. Are you kidding me?!!! oh yeah, and bugs behind the stairway in the basment. Spider webs!!!! argh. well, I'm going to have him give my dad a call tonight. He has a lot of experience with buying older homes. He has some solid advice about the inspector visit, and how to negotiate with the seller afterward. He always has great advice, (without using scare tactics!!) I agree with the post about giving and taking. I'm going to keep my mouth shut regarding his parents and play it cool, but I swear, they're trying to freak him out of buying it!

yeah, I guess the tough thing is that it's a HUGE deal, -our first home purchase. We're excited, but of course a little nervous. Them pointing and picking from outside in, is not helping my nerves and my reservations. They did this to him when he got an apartment in the city. His dad said "he has a business degree, but can't do the math" insinuating that he wasn't smart to pay so much for an apartment. I guess I'm just pissed because I'M going to have to hear this when I make decisions now too! (not to mention, I don't really think they're too up to date on the going rates of real estate these days...I've been doing a lot of research, and almost bought my own home last year) vent vent vent

oh, and they're telling us what we want! ie: "you want a newer home" or "you don't want to maintain a yard that big" We fell in love with it because it was an older brick colonial in excellent condition. and um, yes, maybe I'm looking forward to starting a garden!

not sure where to post, but ugh, I need to vent! Ok, so I'm recently engaged (like 3 or 4 mos), and we just bought a house... it happened very quickly -we picked an area that makes best sense -got pre-approved etc. Well, our first day hunting, we saw a bunch of crap, but fell upon a house we loved. We put in an offer, and they accepted. ok, so, now we're dealing with the wrath of his parents. They are a close knit family, and he is really the first to branch out -(all the other adult siblings are still living at home.) His parents found out how much we're paying, and have been very discouraging about it (we went a little above what we originally wanted, but still below our pre-approval amount) we can afford it. They want to see it to check it out -are going tomorrow with my fiance, and i'm SURE his dad will point out what's wrong and why we're overpaying. They're being very unsupportive, saying he'll be house poor, and now they're sending him new listings of other homes! We already bought a house! -and um, what about what I want when purchasing a home??!!! I can't help but be a little upset and a little angry by this. First of all, they don't even know about my finances. I am providing a chunk of change for a down payment -and I resent that they're now ruining our great accomplishment (buying our first home) -my parents have been nothing but encouraging and excited. Not to mention my fiance and I make about 3 times what his parents make. so I can't help but think they really don't have any clue whether or not we'll be over our head. plus, we're almost 30! I think we can make a smart decision on our own! My fiance says not to worry, they've done this with every major decision he's ever made in his life -they'll get over it. But, what the...** -as we make more money, they're going to make us feel guilty about what we do with it? I can't help but feel soured by this, and now I find myself questioning what we did. (i do love the house though) We stopped by yesterday, any they were making snide comments about how we're not going to afford to eat, etc. etc. are you kidding me? It's a big decision, and of course we have reservations, but do I have to deal with this???!!!

no way man. I'm engaged and I go to coffee shops alone...I like to bring my laptop there and work. Sometimes I like to go and just read the paper/magazines. I don't mind eating by myself at a restaurant either!

1&2: To put it simply, it depends on who foots the bill. Traditionally a bride's family does this, and thereforeeee they're hosting the party. That would probably be the same for the religion...bride's family giving away their daughter, in their traditional church. I will be getting married, and my parents are hosting the day, however I would personally never want to do anything that my fiance doesn't want or feel comfortable with. I want it to be his day too. We're dividing the guest list in half (I'll let him fight with his side of the family about his invites! -and me mine), we're not doing a religious ceremony -we both picked the day and the place. Personally, I think he's done, since although he's excited, we've nailed down a place and he's losing interest...(he doesn't care much about flowers etc) but I'm sure his interest will peak again when we have a tasting, menu selection, and to pick out what he wears... My parents have a few guidelines for the day -but nothing major...just your basic parental parents of the bride sort of thing. however many couples fund their own weddings -and trust me, if I were the guy in that relationship, I wouldn't hand over the money witout any say in the day! 3. as for timeline -everyone is different. what I do know is that both have to be ready and in synch to really be happy. Timing is EVERYTHING.

That's a tough call. Chances are, he may marry again, but are you willing to wait for however long it may be until he feels comfortable with the idea (and preferably excited about it!) It's tough if you love him. I've been there. I do have affirm that if you see marriage in your future, don't give up on it. I never believed it was an unecessary institution or a "just a piece of paper". It is important to me, and no one can really convince me to feel otherwise. as for the census numbers, at the top of my head I can think of 4 unmarried couples living together, three of which bought homes together. In the past 6 months, two just got engaged, one just married, and the other, although not formally engaged has talked about what they would do for a wedding as well as have casually visited the jewelry stores... so although traditions have changed, and it is more common to live unwed, I still see people eventually wanting to tie the knot.

I've been in both scenareos. I've lived unmarried with a boyfriend and was happy. Now I am engaged, and very happy. What I have learned though is as much as you justify living together as "practically married anyway" if you want marriage down the road, and are unsure that you'll get that, you'll never be 100% happy. I wasn't. forcing him to marry you isn't the answer though, either. You have to both enter into future plans wholeheartedly. Definitely have a heart to heart with him.

My thing was, it upset me that he could potentially let me go, because he felt he didn't make enough money yet, or wasn't where he wanted to be in his career. why can't we grow together?

This is a tough situation, and I've TOTALLY been there and can relate. My advice is first, you have to have that conversation with him. Tell him in a non threatening way what you're interested in, and why it's important to you. Sometimes people need engagement (even if it's long) to feel comfortable with making REAL life plans with one another. Then you have to think long and hard about based on his answer, where you stand, and what you want. If you are willing to wait, how long? And keep it in the back of your head (don't tell him, because trust me, he'll see it as an ultimatum, and will NOT take well to that, even if he is interested in spending his life with you) I've been here, we have been going out for almost 4 years and fought about marriage all last year. Neither of us dealt with it well though, I would beligerantly bring it up at inopportune times, I would get emotional, he would close up and get defensive. Not good. We had a lot of rough patches to overcome. So one of our final conversations about the matter was calm, rational and he discussed his fears and i discussed my needs. We left it as an understanding that he was interested but still not ready. So I set an internal deadline for myself. Did it make me uneasy? you bet. But I have to protect my own interests for my future. I realized that if it wasn't going to happen, i'd have to walk away. the thing is, is often guys just take longer to mature than us. How many late 30, and 40 something guys do you know that are still single? probably not many. Do I think you should wait that long if you're in your 20's? No. but it just shows how sometimes guys like to have all their ducks in a row before they take the plunge. what I did was let go of the marriage thing for about 6 months. I think in that time, without the pressure, he figured out what he wanted and when. I'm happy to say that I'm engaged....AND he's very excited about it! It's wonderful. I also know a friend who is recently engaged, and she pushed right until it happened (at a family gathering where the parents nugded him even with the timing of the proposal-eek) now he's freaking out that she's actually planning a wedding. He's wondering why engagement right now isn't enough! that's an example of a bad engagment situation -if it's too pressured. best of luck, I say have a serious heart to heart, and you decide how long you'll wait and when you'd leave. Just don't push too hard, he probably won't take it well!

Argh! He sounds awful. I wouldn't even want to be his friend, much less date him! Trust me, this is a blessing in disguise. It sounds like he has no respect for women, -and clearly doesn't understand them. He was probably pampered by his mother, and expects that kind of treatment from all other women. EXPECTS it, not earns it. Let him go find a mail order bride. And you find someone who enjoys your company, your interests, and respects you! There are plenty out there! you are sooo better off. Just think -what if you DID marry him, and his mom moved in? And you not only had to deal with her every day, but had to wait on her too. Go for your dreams now. This is your time!

oooh, that's an excellent idea! (having them stand up for him) I wonder if he'd get pissy about that idea...like I don't want to accommodate his family, so I make him ask them. But it IS only fair...I have close girlfriends that I should ask, and I'm not asking him to include anyone on his side for me. by the way, I couldn't ask only one, since they're twins. I think it would be unfair to exclude one of them. thanks for the suggestions!

this is hypothetical, but could become an issue. My boyfriend and I were going through the hypotheticals of getting married. We have it decided that we don't want anything too large (under 100 guests, perhaps less if a destination wedding) and not in a church, since we are not religious. A potential dilemma comes up when discussing bridesmaids/groomsmen. I am not a fan of having a huge troop standing up there. It seems so impersonal and kind of ridiculous. I am an only child, I don't have any siblings that I ask to be included, but he would like his two sisters to be bridesmaids (in addition to his brother as a groomsman). I like them and all, but we're not that close. I have 4 very close friends that are no brainers for the job -one is a best friend and would be a maid of honor, and the other 3 have asked me to be in their weddings. As I said, they are nice and all, they don't really don't know me that well, and are about 5 yrs younger...I don't imagine them contributing as much to the plans that my chosen bridesmaids would. But I know his family would want them in the wedding. so, my question is, is there some other way they could be asked to participate without being snubbed?(if it's handled appropriately) My guess is that they wouldn't mind so much, however probaby would be pissed if they felt left out or blown off. Again, we're not religious, so there'd be no readings to participate in....

Victor, Probably the main reason that you're not ready to settle down is that you haven't had those fun experiences. Go out and seize them! And there's no reason you can't do that in a committed relationship. I think your plan for the next year is good. Tell your girlfriend about it, and maybe she'll understand. Plus, she can take part in some of it. Plan a long weekend in London...OR, you're still not too old to backpack in Europe for a week, and see where the next train takes you! My boyfriend and I have shared some of the best memories on some of our trips. We have had some crazy adventures and met some really interesting people along the way. Let her know that you want to do some of this stuff before you settle down (not that it should stop when you do) and that you guys can do it together.

1) What is the earliest in the dating period that you moved in together? 1 year. We were dating long distance... about 90 miles apart and only saw one another on weekends. 2) How old were the two of you and how much relationship experience did you have before this? We were 25 3) Who was the one that initiated that conversation? We really didn't talk about it thoroughly. I ended up moving to his city, and he offered his apartment while I looked for a place (and a job!) Once I found my job, we confided in each other (when drunk, mind you) that we were enjoying it, and didn't want to move apart 4) Why did you make that choice to move in? Again, logistics. we were having a great time 5) What were your experiences in terms of adjustments, having your own space and independence (especially if you have been living on your own a while!) It wasn't too hard, although my bf is high maintenance at times, so he would get on my case if I was vegging a lot, or falling asleep on the couch. I kind of felt like I had to be "on" all the time. But again, that's because of his personality, he's very high maintenance. He is not comfortable with co-existing with one another and not interacting. (especially since we went from action-packed, whirlwind weekends where we spent all our free time together, going from one activity to the next) 6) Are you happy or unhappy with your decision...and whatever you answer, why? well, in retrospect, unhappy. we didn't think it through. Don't get me wrong, I loved living with him, but he wasn't ready to get married, and we never talked about that when we moved in. And it got to be problematic after 1.5 years of living together. at the end of our lease we got our own places. It was hard, and tense, but I really couldn't live together anymore if he didn't feel the need to propose. And he was too stressed about me wanting the next step and didn't think he was ready for it all...that we moved in too soon. It was all very stupid if you ask me, but although we got along fantastically, our perspectives on timeslines and future was off. (ps, we're still together, and beginning to plan our future, but in a normal, even-keeled pace. ) At least now I know though that I CAN live with him, but our timing and goals have to be in check first.

yes, I'm just giving the female perspective...from someone who is beginning to think about the future and next phase in life. (granted, I am 27, and was galavanting around Europe at 20, NYC at 22...) But if one is ready to start a "future" at whatever age it may be, waiting in the unknown won't cut it. Perhaps this will help you understand her better, in order to figure out what action you should take. As for her manipulating you, I don't know her...I'm just shedding some light on you regarding the female "nesting psyche"

see, I disagree. You're in a commited relationship with her, so there are some things you do owe her. If my boyfriend told me he'd be ready when he's ready, and he doesn't owe me anything (timeframe), I'd be out the door. It's a matter of respect for myself, and respect for my plans for the future. Not to mention people say you may not owe her a time frame, but this push and pull isn't going to change until you at least talk about one. NO ONE is good with open endedness, when they know what they want. Whether it's in relationships, careers, what have it. She already knows she wants to marry you. Trust me, if you give her a vague "I don't know when", yet you're acting married in your living situation, she won't handle it well. I'm just suggesting a time frame so she can see if she can plan accordingly. Otherwise you're going to spend the rest of your relationship (perhaps until you break-up) fighting about this.

I read a little bit from your previous post -and saw how you guys ended up living together. You can continue to butt heads and ultimately break up...is that what you want? (actually, you need to really think about that, because maybe that is what you want...) I also suggest that you do a little soul searching and think about your time frame (for your OWN purposes). When you figure it out, you should approach her and say ("I've been thinking long and hard about it, and I really will not be ready to get married until x years from now. I'm looking to first go to grad school, advance my career, mature, (whatever it may be). Can you wait this period of time?" You should tell her you don't need an answer right away, but that she as well should think long and hard about it (that way tears don't get in the way). Based on her answer you have to act appropriately. If she says "no" it's probably best to break up, but at least it wouldn't be hostile or a result of an ultimatum. Or you can see what you can make work -perhaps move to separate places, slow things down a bit. Maybe on the other hand, she'll think about "x years", and think about what she would do with herself in the meantime. Maybe she'll realize that there are valuable things she can do with herself in this time, whether it's finish school, start school, fulfill career goals, etc. If this is the case, she may really be able to wait. But she needs to start thinking about this.