LadyCaCa Posted February 5, 2020 Share Posted February 5, 2020 Is it normal if someone you just met talk nonstop about his ex wife? Literally everything we do, when we're out .... and even when we're in bed, he has to bring up his ex. It's all bad stuff. He seems damaged. I like him a lot and he's a good person. He's obviously still healing. I think I should stop seeing him. It's not that I don't want to help, I just don't think it's healthy for me. I think everyone will agree but if someone sees it differently I'd be very happy to hear about it. Also, I would like to give him some friendly advice. How can I say it without sounding insensitive? Or should I bother? Thanks Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted February 5, 2020 Share Posted February 5, 2020 He's not ready to date ANYONE if he's still that obsessed with his ex. I think you should stop seeing him too. Let him 'practice' of someone else. Link to comment
limichelle Posted February 5, 2020 Share Posted February 5, 2020 I’m sorry that must be really awkward. I think you’re making the best decision by stopping seeing him. It sounds like he needs more time to process his divorce. Link to comment
LadyCaCa Posted February 5, 2020 Author Share Posted February 5, 2020 I’m sorry that must be really awkward. I think you’re making the best decision by stopping seeing him. It sounds like he needs more time to process his divorce. So awkward. I tried to be supportive but it just annoyed me, and then I felt bad for not being a friend. Link to comment
jul-els Posted February 5, 2020 Share Posted February 5, 2020 He’s not ready to date yet. It’s unfortunate that he thinks it’s okay to make the dating world his dumping ground. No one deserves that. You certainly don’t. I would just respectfully and gracefully move on. Link to comment
LadyCaCa Posted February 5, 2020 Author Share Posted February 5, 2020 It’s unfortunate that he thinks it’s okay to make the dating world his dumping ground. Is there a fine line between confiding in someone and 'dumping on them'? Or is it just taboo? Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 5, 2020 Share Posted February 5, 2020 He is in no emotional space to date. Period. Link to comment
LadyCaCa Posted February 5, 2020 Author Share Posted February 5, 2020 I should be clear..... I said we just met, not dating exactly. He did say he was not ready for dating but he liked me and we were hanging out, and yes, sleeping together. Still I feel like I should not have had to endure that. Link to comment
jul-els Posted February 5, 2020 Share Posted February 5, 2020 Is there a fine line between confiding in someone and 'dumping on them'? Or is it just taboo? It depends what topic they’re confiding about. If it’s about one’s past relationships to someone they’re currently dating, it’s inappropriate and disrespectful. He should know better, but maybe he’s in too much pain at the moment to realize it. But that’s not an excuse and I wouldn’t accept it if I were in your place. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 5, 2020 Share Posted February 5, 2020 Well, he did tell you he wasn’t ready, why pursue it then? Link to comment
melancholy123 Posted February 5, 2020 Share Posted February 5, 2020 This guy is so not ready to date anyone. Find yourself a guy without all the baggage and drama of this one. Link to comment
LadyCaCa Posted February 5, 2020 Author Share Posted February 5, 2020 Well, he did tell you he wasn’t ready, why pursue it then? Wasn't pursuing anything, my question was ... is it ok for someone to expect another to listen and not pass judgement? Is that selfish or am I insensitive? Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 5, 2020 Share Posted February 5, 2020 Nope, it is not ok for him go on about it.Wasn't pursuing anything, my question was ... is it ok for someone to expect another to listen and not pass judgement? Is that selfish or am I insensitive? Link to comment
bluecastle Posted February 5, 2020 Share Posted February 5, 2020 Wasn't pursuing anything, my question was ... is it ok for someone to expect another to listen and not pass judgement? Is that selfish or am I insensitive? Well, to answer this directly: Yes, of course it's "okay" for someone to expect another to listen to them rant about an ex and not pass judgement. We are all entitled to expect whatever it is we expect, to want to connect with other people on whatever grounds we want to connect on: books for some, sports for others, awful exes for still others. Not a crime, totally human, as is the expectation for something more—or, well, less talk about such drivel. In fairness to him, it sounds like he was explicit in portraying himself as a man not ready to date. He is being true to his word, matching what came out of his mouth with how he behaves. Can't really ask for more, all in all. Now you get to do what works for you, based on your own wants and expectations of people and romance. Link to comment
figureitout23 Posted February 5, 2020 Share Posted February 5, 2020 Well, to answer this directly: Yes, of course it's "okay" for someone to expect another to listen to them rant about an ex and not pass judgement. We are all entitled to expect whatever it is we expect, to want to connect with other people on whatever grounds we want to connect on: books for some, sports for others, awful exes for still others. Not a crime, totally human, as is the expectation for something more—or, well, less talk about such drivel. In fairness to him, it sounds like he was explicit in portraying himself as a man not ready to date. He is being true to his word, matching what came out of his mouth with how he behaves. Can't really ask for more, all in all. Now you get to do what works for you, based on your own wants and expectations of people and romance. I agree with this. You’re focusing on the mouse while the elephant is suffocating you. You’re laser focused on him and his actions when, to me, the most obvious and helpful question you should be asking yourself is, “ why am I sleeping with a man who won’t stop bringing up his ex?” Link to comment
Spawn Posted February 5, 2020 Share Posted February 5, 2020 You have developed strong feelings for him and he is actually not over his ex. if you continue it will just hurt you more. Time to stop all this and protect yourself. Dont blame yourself or him just leave him to sort himself out. Link to comment
Cherylyn Posted February 5, 2020 Share Posted February 5, 2020 He sounds like he's on the rebound and obviously hadn't recovered from his divorce yet. To him, you're merely a temporary sounding board. You thought right. Yes, you should stop seeing him. You're right again, it's not healthy for you. I couldn't agree more. If you would like to give him friendly advice, all you can do is remain direct, polite, well mannered and respectful. He needs to know how to treat you and others with respect by not mentioning his ex-wife ad nauseum. After you've spoken your piece, part ways peacefully and truly move on. He's not for you. Link to comment
Andrina Posted February 5, 2020 Share Posted February 5, 2020 It's okay to ask someone to change the subject if you're not enjoying the conversation. My husband asked his visiting sister if they could talk about something else when she kept bringing up the horrible parenting they had. A co-worker I was driving with on business brought up religious topics and had an opposite view of me, and I was getting disturbed at her toxic ideas. I told her, "You're not going to change my mind and I'm not going to change yours, so let's agree never to talk about religion again." You can just say to him, "It's probably best you talk to a guy friend about that." Or: "Did you ever think that speaking about your ex so often brings all those negative emotions to the surface? Maybe it's why you don't have closure." It's up to you to either speak up so you can enjoy his company, or to let someone go whose company you don't enjoy because he's a bore, bringing up the same damn topic day in and day out. FWBs are always meant to be temporary, anyway. Cut the cord now, since you're more frustrated than satisfied. Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted February 5, 2020 Share Posted February 5, 2020 It's incredibly awkward of him to bring up his ex so much when he's spending time with another woman (you) on any intimate level. It's more than okay for you to decline in engaging in conversations about his ex-wife, yes. I'm surprised he would need this pointed out to him, but here we are. If you two were genuinely just friends without any sort of hanky-panky or romantic notions, then sure, it might be more acceptable to discuss her and how much he evidently misses her. But dude needs a reality check if he really thinks any other woman he's spending time with on a more-than-friends level is going to want to indulge his broken heart. I would personally stop seeing him, and especially stop sleeping with him. He's not in a good place to be doing either. Link to comment
Billie28 Posted February 5, 2020 Share Posted February 5, 2020 So awkward. I tried to be supportive but it just annoyed me, and then I felt bad for not being a friend. Why would you feel bad for not acting like a friend when you are clearly NOT his friend? He is on the rebound , he doesn’t need a friend. He is not wanting to be your friend. He just wants a sounding board and someone to bang. He does not want your advice! And it seems you just want to bang him and not hear about his ex. So tell him straight up! You are happy to sleep with him , but you don’t want anything more from him and you don’t want to be anything more to him. Tell him to get another sounding board while you guys continue to have a rebound fling. If he doesn’t like it, he can go elsewhere. Right? Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted February 5, 2020 Share Posted February 5, 2020 Sorry to hear this. Agree it's damaging for you. Unless he's paying you $200/hr as an attorney or therapist, why are you doing this? It sounds like you're just a warm body to comfort him.even when we're in bed, he has to bring up his ex. It's not that I don't want to help, I just don't think it's healthy for me. I would like to give him some friendly advice. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted February 5, 2020 Share Posted February 5, 2020 He is not over her. Why are you still with this guy? Huge red flag! Dating should not include playing therapist. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted February 5, 2020 Share Posted February 5, 2020 Wasn't pursuing anything, my question was ... is it ok for someone to expect another to listen and not pass judgement? Is that selfish or am I insensitive? Why are you wasting your time? Link to comment
catfeeder Posted February 5, 2020 Share Posted February 5, 2020 He said that he's not ready, and he backed that up with his behavior, so what's the surprise? Did you believe that sleeping with him would magically change that? Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted February 5, 2020 Share Posted February 5, 2020 Wasn't pursuing anything, my question was ... is it ok for someone to expect another to listen and not pass judgement? Is that selfish or am I insensitive? If you keep sleeping with him then you are being selfish to YOURSELF. This is going to end up you shredding yourself because you didn't listen when he told you he wasn't ready to date. (but he's ready to screw O.O) WT... If you're going to go ahead and not look out for your own emotional best interests then tell him you don't wanna hear it when he gets on about her again. Quit worrying about being "insensitive" this is a sex only arrangement so keep it fun and keep your emotions off your sleeve IF (big if) you're capable... If you know you're one to bond through sex then you're foolish to keep doing this guy. Link to comment
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