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Thread: He keeps repeating his kids are number 1

  1. #21
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    Agree with the others. I think you are better off dating a man with no children.

    There's a disconnect between the 2 of you. I think you need to be someone's complete everything which is perfectly fine but a single dad can't offer that.

  2. #22
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    You know this feels like this is his insecurity or he has had a bad experience and keeps saying it because it was lost on his g/friend before you . It could be guilt from not been in the family home day after day ....so he wants the workd to know ...his kids are first ...he is not an absent dad , his kids are first .. he truly loves his kids , they are first ...etc etc etc

    If you want to give this another go you need to have an honest chat with .....that he doesn't need to keep saying it , that although you havent got children ( which might also be why he is saying it ) you get it .... no need for war and peace to be read to you every time you meet .

    But if you are done , please tell him straight ..( no ghosting )

    Either way , his time , his life , his money , his priority will always be going their way and you could cut your losses and start afresh with someone who hasn't had them so you are on the same page .

  3. #23
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Starship44
    I feel investing into future with this guy will be bad investment for me. I cancelled our date tonight and donít feel like seeing him again. I never dated anyone with kids. Can someone give me advice about this..??? Am I overreacting?
    We're each the best estimator of our own love lives, so nobody else's vote counts. It doesn't make you a villain to want to date someone childless. Trust your gut and do that.

  4. #24
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    I think that for him to constantly have to reiterate this is a little red-flaggy. Who is he trying to convince if he has this constant mantra? And it really feels like this could be his way to keep you shut out...you'll do for now, but he has this built-in "excuse" when he wants to do other stuff and doesn't want you part of it, whether it's friends or being alone, or he decides he wants to move on. He quite possibly does not see you as long-term material, and his kids are the easy way to keep you separate.

    Though I do question if his repeated mantra has to do with your own insecurities or your inability to grasp that the children really are his number one priority. You haven't been going out for very long, and you really aren't in that phase of building the unit or the hub, as one of the other posters mentioned. Do you get upset when he has other obligations, especially when the kids are involved or he's had to move things around to accommodate them? Are you expecting him to have a high level of flexibility or hire a sitter on his only couple free days with the kids on his weekends or he has to end the date early? Are you setting off warning bells for him that he has to constantly remind you?

    It's hard to say where he's coming from based on your descriptions, but I do think you need to think long and hard if this is something you wish to pursue. At some point, as your relationship strengthens, you'll meet the children and do things together, which means more time with him, but how long do you wait, and will his priority shift a little in your direction (building that foundation)? Also keep in mind, long-term, you will be taking on a stepparent role and these children should be your priority too, as well as any future children you may produce. Two months in, maybe you two aren't really good together, or maybe he's not putting effort into you the way he should. I mean, a dating parent still needs to put some time and effort into their love interest, not just sandwich them in here and there with constant reminders where their "place" is. I do understand where you're coming from. I dating a highly involved father, and this was good; I truly appreciated it, but I just found that repeatedly, I was never really the number one priority (when the kids were at their mom's or they had plans like slumber parties or out with friends), and while I fought it (I really fell for this guy), it was eventually obvious he really just wanted a filler here and there, but us as a couple was not going to happen.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It's only been a few months and you may want to consider if he is compatible or worth dating. It would be best to cut your losses, your goals are entirely different and incompatible. Your "worth" has nothing to do with him, semantics or anyone else you date. Try to clear up that issue in yourself.

    In a word...Guilt. Sounds like a mantra he says to himself for his kid's mother, friends, family and courts. It has nothing to do with you. How long is he apart from his kids/their mother? You're not "ok with it" so be honest with yourself and him and call it off.
    Originally Posted by Starship44
    I met this guy and we have been dating for a few months now. Iíve never dated anyone with kids before but it seems like his focus nr 1 are his kids. I am ok with that but after he repeated how his kids are number 1 several times I got turned off and it made me feel worthless.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Realitynut
    When i was a kid...I remember my mom saying that the husband comes first...children second.
    Just wanted to say that I really liked your ramble, Reality. Think it's relevant to OP, should she return, and the discussion at large.

    Reminds me of a friend who got divorced a while back. Two good people, with kid. She said something to the effect of: we forgot that we came firstómeaning they forgot that their kid, while magical and consuming and etc., existed as a product of their romantic love and adult passions, rather than an "object" for each of them to pour love into and make their "only" passion. She described it like a triangle that got turned upside down, where the kid become the apex point instead of the two points of their connection.

    Not sure we'll get to learn more context here. Is this guy one of those aggressive "kids first" dating app profiles? Or is OP someone who, after 2-3 months, wants to feel like she's deep in a forever relationship where marriage is locked in? Can't say, though I'd say that both of those are examples of mindsets (same coin, different sides) that make dating and connecting a challenge. Lack of patience plus an assertiveness about what you wantókids first! me first!óthat can hamper the very sweet thing of figuring all that out together, slowly.

    I'm not sure if I've ever heard my girlfriend, as warm and fierce a mother as I've come across in 40 years, describe her kid as "first." Been thinking. It's kind of just obvious. It would be like her putting inhaling oxygen "first" before we meet for dinner, so not something that needs a dissertation. She is a human with lungs, and a kid, and me, among other things. Then again, that's another thing you hear people in unhappy romances say: "I need to breathe!"

    Is that was he is saying? Is that what OP is feeling in her own skin? Kind of sounds like it to me, zooming out past the specifics.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    When i was a kid...I remember my mom saying that the husband comes first...children second.
    This is certainly true in my opinion after the children's basic needs have been met but this is not the Op's husband nor has she been dating him for any length of time.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    So legit you're talking about the weather and he just says his kids are #1? And "keeps repeating it over and over" like a parrot with Tourette's? I mean, yeah, that would be pretty obnoxious, as hard as it is to actually believe. Chris Rock's got a joke about people who brag about things you're supposed to do, like parents who say, "I take care of my kids." You say you don't argue, but do you ask questions that would make his priorities a topic? Complain about not being able to see him on a certain weekend or afternoon?

    He could be insecure. He could be self-righteous. At the same time, you're here lamenting on "why there needs to be a numbering system," "not seeing a future with him when his future are his kids," and that significant lifetime achievements and goals like buying a house would be "mainly for his kids." I'm not sure what extremes he's going to in constantly chanting this mantra, but it appears he hasn't found the wrong audience for it. These are realities you need to let sink in regardless of whether they're worth him repeating.

    No, he shouldn't be having moralistic seizures over his kids during a date at the bowling alley, but you seem fundamentally opposed to what his priorities should be as a father. Frankly, whether a single father vocalizes it to you or not, you should absolutely assume everything you've said you're worried about there would be the reality with him. I'd strongly advise not dating single fathers. Or at least find a dead-beat one.

  10. #29
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    I wish I had a little more context as to when the statement is made.

    For example.

    You: "hey, I would love to fly to Vegas this weekend, just me and you. How about it?"

    He: "I'm sorry I can't. There's a soccer game."

    You: "Can't you just skip one?"

    He: "No, sorry, my kids come first."

  11. #30
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Good you ended things. You need to date men without children if you want a guy all to yourself.
    Originally Posted by Starship44
    I met this guy and we have been dating for a few months now. Iíve never dated anyone with kids before but it seems like his focus nr 1 are his kids.I never dated anyone with kids.

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