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Everything posted by Clio

  1. I am very sorry that you are hurting. Based on what you wrote, imo, both of you have issues that you need to address in order to have a more successful outcome in your next relationship. It sounds like you both triggered each others inner fears i.e. you were not a good match. Imo, he did love-bomb you at the start and he does have issues regarding avoidance and healthy communication when things go bad. However, it does sound like you may have sabotaged your relationship as well due to low self-esteem and fears that you are not good enough. Imo, you need to address what happened with a therapist. You say that you are not an alcoholic. However, using alcohol to soothe stress/emotional pain is a very slippery slope. Imo, you should not dismiss these occurrences as insignificant. I for one would treat it as a huge red flag if my date proceeded to get drunk on a night out with me and did it twice, regardless of the circumstances. The way he proceeded to cut you off was indeed dysfunctional but imo, his reasons were valid. Using alcohol during dates to address your feelings of shame and low self-esteem, imo, was a sign that you need time on your own to find your emotional footing before you can add another person into your life. You were not ready. As for him, he has issues of his own that he needs to address as it sounds like the way he handles relationship conflict is by withholding communication. Imo, you both share part of the responsibility regarding how things unraveled and things did needed to end because neither of you were ready for a stable relationship. Using alcohol to numb shame is not a "small issue" imo. You need to nip this in the bud. However, you did not loose a good one. He does have issues that he needs to address on his own. You on the other hand need to silence your inner critic and relinquish this need to "prove yourself" in order to be loved. You are good enough as you are and the right person will be able to see that. In the meantime, imo, therapy could help you address this debilitating shame that is hurting you. You are good enough as you are. Best of luck.
  2. You need to take your ex off the pedestal. The break up happened because you were not right for each other. Just because she found another guy that doesn't change the fact that you were not right for each other. If she was right for you, you wouldn't have broken up. You are just idealising her because you can't have her. She was NOT the ONE for you, hence you two broke up. You need to stop telling yourself all these lies. If she was that perfect for you, the break up wouldn't have happened. Plus, you need to stop comparing women you are in a first date with to the full-blown relationship you had with your ex. That relationship did not happen overnight, it took time to build. Plus, you are only comparing the good times. Comparing a stranger to an idealised version (i.e. only the good parts) of your ex is plain stupid and unrealistic. Plus, you are shooting yourself in the foot in the process. It's no wonder that nobody can match up. You need to stop all this self-sabotage. You don't need to find someone like her again and you shouldn't. You were not a great fit, hence the break up. You need to find someone who is DIFFERENT than your ex in the aspects that led to the break down of your relationship. You don't need to settle. You do need to take her off the pedestal and take the time to reflect on the aspects that didn't work and need to be done differently by you in your next relationship. Finally, you need to block her news from reaching you on social media. It CAN be done. If you don't want to delete common friends, you can unfollow them until you move on. And it goes without saying that you need to block your ex. Social media are TOXIC for your state of mind while you're still hung up on her. It's a major contributor to keeping you stuck. If needed, take a break from social media altogether. Good luck.
  3. He just ***ing with both of you. And he will continue to do so for as long as you allow it. Drop this clown already.
  4. You should let him go. He is a random stranger who lives halfway across the world. If he is getting serious after less than a week then that is a huge red flag. No mentally stable person would make such declarations to a total stranger.
  5. You are still hurting from a break up that was not your choice, which is natural. What you are feeling is natural and not out of the ordinary. Billions of people have or will experience the same or worse. However, these emotions that you are experiencing should not be taken as a permanent fixed state of reality. They will come and go in waves and in time you will find out that they are the product of your fears NOT an indication of your future. "What ifs" are a natural part of grieving the loss of a relationship and are part of the bargaining stage. This grieving process includes the mind going back and forth through stages of denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and finally acceptance. I am very sorry for your loss. Unfortunately the break up HAS happened and regardless of how your mind is trying to fool you, it couldn't have happened any other way. If it could have, it would have. Try not to take these negative self-blaming emotions that you are experiencing at self-value. They are the product of your fears NOT reality. You WILL get through this. Experience it but know that it WILL get better. You are inherently valuable and worthy. We all are. There are people who struggle with self-worth at all ages and it has zero to do with their worth. Our inner critic is a big fat liar when it comes to self-worth, especially during break ups. And the same goes about break ups. Break ups are about incompatibility. You could be the most worthy person in the world and still be incompatible. The emotions that you are experiencing blatantly lie. Having experienced similar thoughts and emotions at 31, I am here to assure you that you are perfectly normal and worthy. It's just that he was not the right person for you. Good luck with your healing.
  6. If you are stuck, then imo you need to seek professional counseling. A good therapist could help you find the strength to move forward with your life. Half a decade of your youth is a hell of a lot of time to spend on such a deeply unsatisfactory situation. At this point though, you are making informed choices. He has clearly shown you how it's going to be. If you are unhappy then YOU need to start making changes. As long as you keep doing the same things, you will keep getting the same results and, at this point, you only have yourself to blame because you are CHOOSING to stay in this situation. Think of the type of relationship example that you are setting for your kid and seek professional help to get unstuck and exit this clearly unhealthy situation. Staying on and whining about him accomplishes nothing. Good luck.
  7. You are in different life stages and she is almost two decades younger than you. That's too big and is not going to go away. Based on the info that you provided, she is not ready to give up her freedom and she told you that much yet you kept pushing and she gave in because she enjoys the tones of validation that you provide her with. At 47 you have had all the time in the world to sow your wild oats. Of course you have calmed down. At 29 she hasn't, plus it sounds like she has unaddressed issues from her past that she hasn't resolved. Imo, it's selfish going after someone who is that much younger and still troubled by her past i.e. in such a different life stage and state of mind and expecting her/pushing her to live life at your pace. The 18 year difference in life stages will always be there. What do you think is going to happen when you are pushing retirement and she still has 18 years of active working life? Plus, the sheer fact that you think that asking her to show you her whatsupp and DMs in her phone as if you are her dad and she is an unruly teenager speaks volumes about that difference in life stages that you keep trying to push under the rug. How is this ever acceptable in a healthy relationship? Imo, if you are really looking to settle, you should seek for someone closer to your own age and no more than 10 years younger tops. And regardless of age, it should be someone that you don't feel the urge to police/monitor or have to bargain with in order to have sex. These are huge RED flags that you are with the wrong person.
  8. You don't really love him. Real love is accepting the other person as they are NOT blaming them for something that they did before they even knew that you exist. Virginity is just the absence of a specific experience. It doesn't make someone more special than others nor does it give anyone the right to judge and be obnoxious like you are being to him. You knew that this guy was not a virgin, you succumbed to your lust for him and once it was satisfied, you turned around and judged him and you call that "love" and you "special" for having been a virgin? There is nothing special about virginity in such a case. In fact, your virginity/relationship inexperience is clouding your judgement. You made an informed choice. Turning around and judging him afterwards is immature, toxic and the opposite of "love". How "special" is a partner is not shown by their lack of sexual experience nor by a hymen in their vagina. It's shown by how they treat the person they say they love. He was honest to you and he is choosing to stay by you and be patient. You on the other hand are judging him and shaming him for something that he did disclose to you when you asked, something that happened before you two got together. Whose behaviour is "special" and whose behaviour is toxic here? Your life inexperience i.e. immaturity is making you hurt the person you say you love. Isn't that "disgusting"? And how would you like to be judged as "disgusting" down the line by someone else for having let a man in your vagina? Your thoughts are a result of your immaturity and lack of life experience. In time you will realise that what makes someone special is in the way they treat you and those around them NOT their past partners. You are focusing on the wrong thing. My advice is to stop sabotaging your relationship. Right now, you are mentally abusing your boyfriend and that is the opposite of "special". You need to think long and hard what real love is. Right now you are being the opposite of someone special. The beautiful moments you experienced together will always be unique because you are unique. However, in order to stay that way, you need to stop tarnishing them by mentally torturing him with your immaturity. Focus on how he treats you and on learning to treat eachother with respect and leave the past in the past.
  9. You didn't outright force him to stay but you did try to control the situation in roundabout ways by paying for him, offering to buy a house, "convincing" him to come back and doing things on camera that you weren't really comfortable with. Whether you realise it it or not, putting up with someone's crap like that to your emotional expense and "giving them the world" was an effort to control the outcome. Had things been reciprocal, you wouldn' t have had to go to such extremes and they wouldn't need any kind of "convincing" in order to be with you. Jumping through hoops and making sacrifices in an (unconscious or conscious) attempt to change someone's mind is a veiled form of manipulation maneuver that codependent people resort to in order to control a situation, even though they may not realise it at the time. To me, it sounds like this guy triggered some deep abandonment issues you have from losing your loved ones during your childhood and your inner child went out of her way in order to not be abandoned this time around. A good psychotherapist could help you get to the bottom of this in ways that strangers on the internet can't.
  10. Based on what you describe, you have a warped sense regarding what is acceptable in relationships and what constitutes a healthy relationship. You need to learn to recognise incompatibility and you need to learn to accept it and move on from such people. This guy is incompatible to you and mentally abusive, yet you kept trying to control him and make him stay with you. The road to healing your self-esteem doesn't go through trying to win over the approval of men who mistreat you, nor through trying to fix them or trying to change for them. Imo, the events that you described show that you need to seek professional psychotherapy in order to learn to love yourself and recognise what a healthy relationship should look like, and when to walk away from men who are incompatible to you. Trying to "give the world" to a person who is resisting and trying to leave you is not healthy nor sustainable. It shows lack of self love. You need to learn to love yourself in order to be able to love another human being in a healthy way and for most people who struggle with this, it is usually helpful to seek professional help. You sound like a very nice person who has a lot to give to the right person. He was not the right person. Good luck!
  11. This guy has a live-in gf yet you are choosing to focus on him. What makes you think that the road to happiness ever involves winning over players/cheaters/other women's boyfriends? Imo, getting involved would be trading one relationship train-wreck for another. You need to work on your self-esteem. No self-respecting person goes after people who are already in a relationship.
  12. Don't beat yourself about it. It's only human to want a relationship. You did not ***ed up but yes, imo, you do need to move on from this guy. Good luck.
  13. Based on the information that you provided, it sounds like you are very bad at enforcing your personal boundaries and if you don't fix this, it's going to land you on heaps of pain. This guy cohersed you into sending him nude pics and the fact that you gave in indicates that you suffer from low self-esteem and inability to uphold your personal boundaries against people who don't respect them. This guy has made it crystal clear that he only wants sex through words and actions. You on the other hand have stated that you want a relationship, yet through your actions you have shown to him that he can get you to participate in sex related activities online and that you are susceptible to giving in when being cohersed. Admittedly, he sounds like a major douchebag who is taking advantage of your lack of self-discipline and inexperience, but at the end of the day, you are an adult and, also, you are the one responsible for upholding your stated boundaries. He is not going to give you a relationship just because you are giving in to his demands. If he asks you for things that make you uncomfortable, it's YOUR responsibility to protect yourself and decline. You are not a victim in the scenario that you described. You are making informed choices. He has not lied to you about only wanting sex. You are the one lying to yourself. It's YOUR responsibility to protect yourself and exit this situation if you are unhappy, not his. If you are struggling with depression, please seek help from your family and friends. This guy sounds bad news.
  14. I second the above. Breaking up wouldn't make her a terrible person but knowingly choosing to risk emotionally scarring another human being through full-on cheating, which is where she would be heading at if she doesn't clean up her act, would be a whole different story. Infidelity tends to create emotional scars and trust issues on the people that are cheated on. Personally, I have trouble excusing cheaters no matter their age. The vast majority of us have been taught as children that cheating is wrong and that one should not do to others what one would not want to be done to them, so one cannot claim ignorance on this matter. Excusing bad behaviour just because one is young when one has been warned beforehand about it doesn't fly in my books. Personally, the idea of risking creating emotional scars on others in order to "enjoy life" irks me and so does giving a green card to young people to behave dishonestly, if that was implied.
  15. Imo, you need to return your focus where it is really due. Your long-term relationship is in BIG trouble, to the point that you are shopping around for another man. Why is that and what are you missing? You need to sit down first with yourself and then with your current boyfriend and try to identify what is going on. Your current relationship is lacking communication and is heading to a nasty breakdown and the new guy is acting as a catalyst and as a distraction. Guilt is useless. Imo, you need to tell your boyfriend that the last couple of months have been very rough for you and discuss with him what needs to change. You need to prioritize sorting out what is going on with your relationship over distracting yourself with a crush and, if needed, break up with your boyfriend. Getting entangled with another person who is also in a relationship may give you a high and a distraction in the short-term but it will give you worse of a headache in the long-term. No quality guy is going to trust someone who cheats and someone who would cheat on their girlfriend is not a quality guy either. Whatever uncomfortable discussion with your boyfriend you are dreading and avoiding is a thousand times better approach to sorting out your relationship than what you are doing right now. You invested 2.5 years to your current partner. Communicating your feelings to him would be honouring that time spent and, whatever the outcome, it would leave you with the memory that you did the best you could and acted honourably...
  16. It sounds like you have made in your head what you two really have bigger than what it really is. You have never met him in person i.e. in reality he is a stranger to you. You two are just two strangers chatting online. Exclusivity at this point makes no sense. You should keep meeting other men. Investing months talking exclusively to just one person online without being able to meet is not an efficient way to meet a partner. It is your choice whether you do it or not but being annoyed at the other person doesn't sound reasonable imo. If you want exclusivity, you can discuss it with him but how reasonable is it to ask this from a person you have never met in real life really? What if, when you finally meet him months down the line, you find out that you are not attracted to him physically? How does investing months of your life exclusively to someone you don't really know whether you are physically attracted to makes sense? Imo, you should not attach extra meaning to his words. He is just interested in meeting you when and if that becomes possible, to explore whether you two really click. That's it and nothing more. You two may end up not clicking, which is why, in the meantime, it makes sense for both of you to explore multiple options online. Imo, you should keep meeting new men yourself instead of investing all your time on someone you can't meet in person at this point and not take it so personally, unless you two agreed on exclusivity.
  17. Based on what you wrote, you sound just not that into her. Imo, if you are feeling that lukewarm so soon, she is a rebound and the chances of it working out are not good. Imo, you should inform her of your misgivings as soon as possible so that she can make informed choices. Wanting to play the field is a clear indication that you are not in love with her and she should be informed of that before she moves states for you.
  18. Your wants are incompatible. If you stay, chances are that you will waste valuable time and still break up down the line. If marriage and children are among your dreams for the future, it would be best to keep searching for someone who has the same life goals as you and who doesn't let his family dictate his future or at least someone whose family won't object. True love is a two way street. In your case, he has already stated that even if he was ready, he would have trouble convincing his family. Those are not the words of someone who loves you unconditionally. Think long and hard how much time of your youth you want to invest and risk losing under these conditions...
  19. Only time will tell if he will give you another chance. However, it sounds like you have unresolved issues regarding your sexuality and you felt entitled to explore them while being in a monogamous relationship. Those are two major deal breakers right there. If he was the one posting, my advice to him would be to move on. You need to resolve your sexuality. Messing people around like that is very unfair to them. You need to sort out your sexuality and your stance on monogamy before you enter another relationship whether it's with him or anybody new, and then be honest/upfront to your partner(s) about it. Plus, you two had begun to drift for a year. You need to carefully consider what was happening there. It sounds like your relationship had run its course on multiple fronts. If you get back together at this point, chances are that you will break up again. Whatever brought you two to this point is very much still there imo.
  20. Do nothing. Get on with your life as if she's never coming back. If she is really hung up on her ex, nothing you do can help your case. If you respect her need for space and back off, your efforts might be remembered down the line and she may reach out to you in time but right now it sounds like any more efforts will push her further away. For whatever reason, she is not into you at this point. Going after her is unlikely to work imo. Moving on and letting her process her break up on her own might be the only solution. You have made clear your wishes. Now step back and let her reach her own conclusion. She might have a change of heart or she might not. At this point though it sounds like being persistent is unlikely to help.
  21. Hi there. I don't think that anyone can tell you what his thoughts and feelings may be. Based on your previous post, you were together for only three months. First, he love-bombed you. Then, he broke up with you via text message, which was a major douche move. Imo, there is a chance that you were a rebound and then his ex came back. That is just a guess but if that is the case then your text would be an inconvenience to him. Regardless, based on the way he left, chances are that he won't reply or he will reply something lame. Based on the way he broke up with you, he has an avoidant personality and his non-reply shows that he is still very much the same. You did what you felt that you needed to do so there is no reason to regret it. However, imo, you need to let this go. If you were to be honest with yourself the t-shirt is just an excuse to contact him and doesn't really matter what happens to it. However, you are not the first who has contacted an ex in that manner, nor will you be the last. He was your first relationship and it is hard to let go, especially since you were broken up with in such a lame way. However, the truth is that closure comes from within and not from the other person. The way he left tells you all you need to know about him to move on. He is spineless and he is definitely not the one. The person who is meant for you will not treat you like that in a million years. As for what he might be feeling, at best he may be feeling some guilt. At worst, he may be wishing for you to go away already, so that he won't have to explain himself any more. To me it sounds like his ex came back, hence he broke up with you in such a lame way but that's just a hunch. Regardless, his silence indicates that he wants to avoid you. Imo, you need to accept that he is just an avoidant person with no spine. You lost nobody special. Relationships take time. At three months, you never got to know his real self and based on the way he broke up with you, you definitely dodged a bullet there. Life is hard as it is. No-one should have to spend it with a spineless person. You did what you had to do. Time to let go. Good luck.
  22. He was like that when you met him so, imo, you don't have the right to get upset about it. You have every right to uphold your personal boundaries, but resenting him for it when you knew about it right from the get go is not fair imo. It was your informed choice to marry him. You need to reframe your thoughts about it in your mind so that you do/ask him what is right for you without resenting him in the process.
  23. He broke up with you after only two months. In my opinion he is just not that into you. He used you to soothe his pain from his beak up (i.e. as a rebound) but at the end of the day he wants to see what else is there and play the field instead of getting into another serious relationship so soon. It could also be that his ex came back so he wanted to be free to try with her again. Of course he would never admit any of that to you. Instead he will try to keep you around as plan b if you allow it. Many men do that. If he really really liked you though, he wouldn't have dropped you during the honeymoon phase of your relationship. He may or may not come back but keeping your life on hold and waiting for him to come back (as if you are holding your breath) would be a big mistake and a major waste of your time. This time you need to maintain no contact with the goal to get over him and truly move on i.e. as if he is never coming back. Any other goal is a waste of time and keeps you stuck in an unhealthy mentality of waiting. The right person would not leave you like that. His actions show that presently you two are not right for each other and even if he comes back and you take him back, chances are that he will leave again the moment he finds someone more interesting or if his ex comes back. Based on his actions he doesn't value you enough or he would never have risked losing you like that in the first place. Waiting around to take him back creates a very unhealthy relationship dynamic where you give up all your power to a person whose feelings for you aren't strong enough to begin with. Think about it...
  24. Unless you have somehow led him on that you are taller than you are or have provided him with false info about your height, I see no point in bringing it up. If you were an heterosexual couple, it might have been a problem given that the social norm is usually the man being of the same height or taller than the woman. However, in a same sex couple I fail to see how it would be a big deal. If you have been on zoom dates, I assume that he has seen you live on camera. However, if you feel that you need to let him know about it prior to meeting, i guess that you could mention it casually by asking him his height and volunteering your height once he responds just so that he knows. If he then sticks to your date plans, you will be good to go. Disclaimer: I have no idea whether gay men tend to care about height.
  25. Based on what you wrote, you did not ask him for a relationship so no, you were not used. You made the informed choice of having sex with someone who you knew had just broken up (i.e. was most likely in rebound mode/ not in a stable state of mind) without previously clarifying what you were getting yourself into. Based on what you wrote, you chose to have sex with him, no questions asked, and you did. If you wanted a relationship, you should have discussed that with him beforehand. If on the other hand, you asked for a relationship and he promised you one, then yes, you were used. But again, the choice to get with a guy who was a high risk to rebound remains yours. You made a human mistake. Don't beat yourself up over it. Lots of women choose to see what they want to see in a guy who is clearly not a sound emotional investment. Just learn from it so that you don't sell yourself short ever again.
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