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Clio

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Clio last won the day on August 19 2020

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  1. You mentioned that he has apologised many times before so no, there is no need to respond again imo. Basically, he is being selfish. This message is an attempt to make himself feel better about whatever self-doubt he may be feeling. If he really cared about YOUR healing, he would not keep opening your wound like that. He would leave you alone so as to heal. He doesn't need to be a rocket scientist to know that contact is NOT helpful for you.
  2. Telling her what she feels and why and what she should do is overbearing. Your beliefs of what there "should be" are just that. Your beliefs. She has told you what the problem is i.e. asking her to be with you was adding a lot of pressure in her life, and she has changed i.e. she is not the person you remember. Imo, what you are feeling is coming from your yearning to go back to a period in your life where things were simpler and happier because you are unhappy with your present. That girl you miss doesn't exist any longer as you remember her. She told you that much. When people tell you who they are, you should believe them. Imo, you should respect her feelings and stop pressuring her regarding getting together romantically. To me it sounds like she doesn't want you to back off from being her friend but she is not interested in getting with you romantically. In fact, if she hasn't been with a man in 10 years (which is most of her adult life) chances are that sexually she prefers men to women. Both of you are probably missing that period in your life that you remember as less complicated and happier but you are no longer the same innocent adolescents that you remember. She HAS changed and so have you. Imo, you need to respect what she told you and stop pressuring her into forming a romantic relationship that she is not comfortable with.
  3. What's wrong with you?????? Seriously! Why are you even considering this guy as a father for your children??????????? It is crystal clear that this guy has the mind of an immature 20 year old and is NEVER going to grow up. He is a Peter Pan type. At 34 he still doesn't live on his own and is so selfish that he refuses to use condoms!!! Chances are that at 31 he got with someone as young as you were at 22 so that he could manipulate you and pull the crap he is currently pulling - crap that a 30 year old woman would NOT tolerate. You seriously need to grow up and drop his ass ASAP or you are going to end up wasting the best years of your life on this bozo OR, even worse, end up as a single mother with a loser ex. It would be utterly irresponsible of you to have a child with this manchild. You owe it to your future children to find a guy who is responsible and dependable. This guy is clearly not it. No guy who refuses to wear condoms is. Seriously, WHAT'S wrong with you to even consider making the father for your children someone who doesn't want them??????????? This makes you unfit for a mother. Don't have children for a few more years please. Based on what you wrote, you still have a lot of growing up to do yourself. His actions scream loud and clear that he DOESN'T want children and that he is too irresponsible to become a father no matter what comes out of his mouth. If you can't see that then you yourself are not ready to become a mother yet.
  4. Imo, no you should not reach out. She broke up with you and blocked you. Meanwhile, two years on there are STILL moments that you miss her, plus you are here posting about her, so no you are not 100% over her. She still holds power over you. This creates an unbalanced emotional dynamic so if you two were ever to start communicating it would not be on an even plane. Imo, nothing good would come of it. Remember, YOU were the one to "approach" her by looking into her IG NOT the other way around. Had you not, she would be carrying on with her life just fine without you, as she chose to do when she broke up with you. The fact that she followed you was probably just a courtesy given that she got to have all the power back then and you didn't create too much trouble for her when she dumbed you. The moment she senses that you are still not over her she will probably be on her way out of your life again. Don't let wishful thinking set you back.
  5. You need to understand that when an ex reaches out, it's not about you, it's all about THEMSELVES. He apologised to make HIMSELF feel better. He contacted you to see whether you are still pining for him to make HIMSELF feel better i.e. He reaches out to make HIMSELF feel better about whatever guilt or void in his life is troubling him and once he feels better he disappears because at the end of the day he doesn't want to be with you, he just wants you there still available as plan B if all else fails. He just hasn't found YET someone more interesting to occupy his mind with. You need to stop taking this kind of contact seriously and focus on the new person you have been seeing, the one who IS interested in you NOW and not in some vague timeline that may never happen and more importantly focus on the one who hasn't OPTED to abandon you and broken your trust. Once they have treated you as disposable they are liable to do it again and again (which is why it's a bad idea to take an ex who has dumped you back). It's YOUR responsibility to protect yourself from being jerked around. The reasons they reach out and then disappear are always selfish and a sign that you should write them off as unreliable flakes and stop allowing them back into your life. Good luck.
  6. I am very sorry about the loss of your child. In my opinion, none of the two men is right for you. As much as you appreciate your husband as a person you are not physically attracted to him and that means that none of you will be happy if you stay in this marriage. How old is your husband? It sounds like you married him based on his capacity to provide financial security and like you may be on different life stages. As for your ex-boyfriend he sounds abusive. After you got pregnant he stopped caring for you and treated you badly. That was before you lost your child so there is no excuse whatsoever for that. Plus, he uses weed to escape from his problems. These are MAJOR red flags that he CANNOT be trusted. Life is hard at time for everyone and he has shown that he is ill equipped to handle difficulties in a healthy manner. Imo, it would be a huge mistake to ever get back with him. The best thing for you would be to learn to stand on your own two feet instead of relying on men to take care of you. Do you have a job? In my opinion, you need to stay single, work on becoming financially independent and once you learn stand on your own two feet, find a new man whom you are genuinely attracted to and who does not neglect you nor mistreat you nor falls off the wagon when life gets tough. Good luck!
  7. Mentioning your sister while you are having sex is out of the norm. Imo, your biggest concern here is that he does NOT seem to think of nor respect your feelings. At all. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that mentioning your sister during sex is hurtful and should be off limits. The fact that he even had the audacity to try it out is a big red flag imo, let alone that he insists on keep doing it. He should have backed off the moment you told him that it hurts you. You need to clearly outline your personal boundaries and then uphold them. Story telling or not, if he insists on things during sex after you explained to him that they hurt your self esteem then you need to drop him.
  8. I am very sorry that you are hurting. Based on what you wrote, imo, both of you have issues that you need to address in order to have a more successful outcome in your next relationship. It sounds like you both triggered each others inner fears i.e. you were not a good match. Imo, he did love-bomb you at the start and he does have issues regarding avoidance and healthy communication when things go bad. However, it does sound like you may have sabotaged your relationship as well due to low self-esteem and fears that you are not good enough. Imo, you need to address what happened with a therapist. You say that you are not an alcoholic. However, using alcohol to soothe stress/emotional pain is a very slippery slope. Imo, you should not dismiss these occurrences as insignificant. I for one would treat it as a huge red flag if my date proceeded to get drunk on a night out with me and did it twice, regardless of the circumstances. The way he proceeded to cut you off was indeed dysfunctional but imo, his reasons were valid. Using alcohol during dates to address your feelings of shame and low self-esteem, imo, was a sign that you need time on your own to find your emotional footing before you can add another person into your life. You were not ready. As for him, he has issues of his own that he needs to address as it sounds like the way he handles relationship conflict is by withholding communication. Imo, you both share part of the responsibility regarding how things unraveled and things did needed to end because neither of you were ready for a stable relationship. Using alcohol to numb shame is not a "small issue" imo. You need to nip this in the bud. However, you did not loose a good one. He does have issues that he needs to address on his own. You on the other hand need to silence your inner critic and relinquish this need to "prove yourself" in order to be loved. You are good enough as you are and the right person will be able to see that. In the meantime, imo, therapy could help you address this debilitating shame that is hurting you. You are good enough as you are. Best of luck.
  9. You need to take your ex off the pedestal. The break up happened because you were not right for each other. Just because she found another guy that doesn't change the fact that you were not right for each other. If she was right for you, you wouldn't have broken up. You are just idealising her because you can't have her. She was NOT the ONE for you, hence you two broke up. You need to stop telling yourself all these lies. If she was that perfect for you, the break up wouldn't have happened. Plus, you need to stop comparing women you are in a first date with to the full-blown relationship you had with your ex. That relationship did not happen overnight, it took time to build. Plus, you are only comparing the good times. Comparing a stranger to an idealised version (i.e. only the good parts) of your ex is plain stupid and unrealistic. Plus, you are shooting yourself in the foot in the process. It's no wonder that nobody can match up. You need to stop all this self-sabotage. You don't need to find someone like her again and you shouldn't. You were not a great fit, hence the break up. You need to find someone who is DIFFERENT than your ex in the aspects that led to the break down of your relationship. You don't need to settle. You do need to take her off the pedestal and take the time to reflect on the aspects that didn't work and need to be done differently by you in your next relationship. Finally, you need to block her news from reaching you on social media. It CAN be done. If you don't want to delete common friends, you can unfollow them until you move on. And it goes without saying that you need to block your ex. Social media are TOXIC for your state of mind while you're still hung up on her. It's a major contributor to keeping you stuck. If needed, take a break from social media altogether. Good luck.
  10. He just ***ing with both of you. And he will continue to do so for as long as you allow it. Drop this clown already.
  11. You should let him go. He is a random stranger who lives halfway across the world. If he is getting serious after less than a week then that is a huge red flag. No mentally stable person would make such declarations to a total stranger.
  12. You are still hurting from a break up that was not your choice, which is natural. What you are feeling is natural and not out of the ordinary. Billions of people have or will experience the same or worse. However, these emotions that you are experiencing should not be taken as a permanent fixed state of reality. They will come and go in waves and in time you will find out that they are the product of your fears NOT an indication of your future. "What ifs" are a natural part of grieving the loss of a relationship and are part of the bargaining stage. This grieving process includes the mind going back and forth through stages of denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and finally acceptance. I am very sorry for your loss. Unfortunately the break up HAS happened and regardless of how your mind is trying to fool you, it couldn't have happened any other way. If it could have, it would have. Try not to take these negative self-blaming emotions that you are experiencing at self-value. They are the product of your fears NOT reality. You WILL get through this. Experience it but know that it WILL get better. You are inherently valuable and worthy. We all are. There are people who struggle with self-worth at all ages and it has zero to do with their worth. Our inner critic is a big fat liar when it comes to self-worth, especially during break ups. And the same goes about break ups. Break ups are about incompatibility. You could be the most worthy person in the world and still be incompatible. The emotions that you are experiencing blatantly lie. Having experienced similar thoughts and emotions at 31, I am here to assure you that you are perfectly normal and worthy. It's just that he was not the right person for you. Good luck with your healing.
  13. If you are stuck, then imo you need to seek professional counseling. A good therapist could help you find the strength to move forward with your life. Half a decade of your youth is a hell of a lot of time to spend on such a deeply unsatisfactory situation. At this point though, you are making informed choices. He has clearly shown you how it's going to be. If you are unhappy then YOU need to start making changes. As long as you keep doing the same things, you will keep getting the same results and, at this point, you only have yourself to blame because you are CHOOSING to stay in this situation. Think of the type of relationship example that you are setting for your kid and seek professional help to get unstuck and exit this clearly unhealthy situation. Staying on and whining about him accomplishes nothing. Good luck.
  14. You are in different life stages and she is almost two decades younger than you. That's too big and is not going to go away. Based on the info that you provided, she is not ready to give up her freedom and she told you that much yet you kept pushing and she gave in because she enjoys the tones of validation that you provide her with. At 47 you have had all the time in the world to sow your wild oats. Of course you have calmed down. At 29 she hasn't, plus it sounds like she has unaddressed issues from her past that she hasn't resolved. Imo, it's selfish going after someone who is that much younger and still troubled by her past i.e. in such a different life stage and state of mind and expecting her/pushing her to live life at your pace. The 18 year difference in life stages will always be there. What do you think is going to happen when you are pushing retirement and she still has 18 years of active working life? Plus, the sheer fact that you think that asking her to show you her whatsupp and DMs in her phone as if you are her dad and she is an unruly teenager speaks volumes about that difference in life stages that you keep trying to push under the rug. How is this ever acceptable in a healthy relationship? Imo, if you are really looking to settle, you should seek for someone closer to your own age and no more than 10 years younger tops. And regardless of age, it should be someone that you don't feel the urge to police/monitor or have to bargain with in order to have sex. These are huge RED flags that you are with the wrong person.
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