He keeps repeating his kids are number 1

[bluecastle]

When i was a kid...I remember my mom saying that the husband comes first...children second.

 

Just wanted to say that I really liked your ramble, Reality. Think it's relevant to OP, should she return, and the discussion at large.

 

Reminds me of a friend who got divorced a while back. Two good people, with kid. She said something to the effect of: we forgot that we came first—meaning they forgot that their kid, while magical and consuming and etc., existed as a product of their romantic love and adult passions, rather than an "object" for each of them to pour love into and make their "only" passion. She described it like a triangle that got turned upside down, where the kid become the apex point instead of the two points of their connection.

 

Not sure we'll get to learn more context here. Is this guy one of those aggressive "kids first" dating app profiles? Or is OP someone who, after 2-3 months, wants to feel like she's deep in a forever relationship where marriage is locked in? Can't say, though I'd say that both of those are examples of mindsets (same coin, different sides) that make dating and connecting a challenge. Lack of patience plus an assertiveness about what you want—kids first! me first!—that can hamper the very sweet thing of figuring all that out together, slowly.

 

I'm not sure if I've ever heard my girlfriend, as warm and fierce a mother as I've come across in 40 years, describe her kid as "first." Been thinking. It's kind of just obvious. It would be like her putting inhaling oxygen "first" before we meet for dinner, so not something that needs a dissertation. She is a human with lungs, and a kid, and me, among other things. Then again, that's another thing you hear people in unhappy romances say: "I need to breathe!"

 

Is that was he is saying? Is that what OP is feeling in her own skin? Kind of sounds like it to me, zooming out past the specifics.

[ThatwasThen]

When i was a kid...I remember my mom saying that the husband comes first...children second.

This is certainly true in my opinion after the children's basic needs have been met but this is not the Op's husband nor has she been dating him for any length of time.

[j.man]

So legit you're talking about the weather and he just says his kids are #1? And "keeps repeating it over and over" like a parrot with Tourette's? I mean, yeah, that would be pretty obnoxious, as hard as it is to actually believe. Chris Rock's got a joke about people who brag about things you're supposed to do, like parents who say, "I take care of my kids." You say you don't argue, but do you ask questions that would make his priorities a topic? Complain about not being able to see him on a certain weekend or afternoon?

 

He could be insecure. He could be self-righteous. At the same time, you're here lamenting on "why there needs to be a numbering system," "not seeing a future with him when his future are his kids," and that significant lifetime achievements and goals like buying a house would be "mainly for his kids." I'm not sure what extremes he's going to in constantly chanting this mantra, but it appears he hasn't found the wrong audience for it. These are realities you need to let sink in regardless of whether they're worth him repeating.

 

No, he shouldn't be having moralistic seizures over his kids during a date at the bowling alley, but you seem fundamentally opposed to what his priorities should be as a father. Frankly, whether a single father vocalizes it to you or not, you should absolutely assume everything you've said you're worried about there would be the reality with him. I'd strongly advise not dating single fathers. Or at least find a dead-beat one.

[jimthzz]

I wish I had a little more context as to when the statement is made.

 

For example.

 

You: "hey, I would love to fly to Vegas this weekend, just me and you. How about it?"

 

He: "I'm sorry I can't. There's a soccer game."

 

You: "Can't you just skip one?"

 

He: "No, sorry, my kids come first."

[Wiseman2]

Good you ended things. You need to date men without children if you want a guy all to yourself.

I met this guy and we have been dating for a few months now. I’ve never dated anyone with kids before but it seems like his focus nr 1 are his kids.I never dated anyone with kids.

[Batya33]

Good you ended things. You need to date men without children if you want a guy all to yourself.

 

And also don't date a guy who is invested in an intense career, who is a primary caregiver for his aging or disabled parents, etc.

 

I agree that context is needed for why he keeps up the "kids are number 1" refrain.

[waffle]

Well I feel like I have heard that statement so many times and I can’t understand why someone would keep repeating it over and over. Why does there even have to be a numbering system? I was little confused first time he said that. We don’t argue. But why would someone even have to say that? After I heard it few times I started feeling like I’m imposing. Me feeling worthless , comes from me not understanding what to do with that information. Wouldn’t it then be better if he wouldn’t date at all so all his focus can be on kids.? I’ve just never been in this situation and don’t know what to think of it.

 

What he's telling you is, "I will be available to see you when I have nothing better to do." Plenty of men have kids and manage to have a dating life too. Because they want to. He does not want to.

[abitbroken]

When i was a kid...I remember my mom saying that the husband comes first...children second. She probably never even remembered saying that, but at the time it hurt. But now I understand. In the old days the husband and wife were suppose to be a UNIT....Then the children. You made a happy couple....first dating...then future. Then the happy UNIT make the kid a priority...after the Husband/wife unit. If that makes sense. The children will be happy cuz they have happy parents.

 

I read a book once...and it was like a spoke of a wheel. The relationship the hub. The kids the spokes. The friends further out spokes. So then as an adult, and I found out some families put the children first...before the husband/wife unit I was confused. I had dated a guy in my 50's and I thought we were to be married. I drove 4 hours to see him for 3 years, and lived in his house for 5 days at a time. His adult children were jealous of me before they even met me, because I was taking time with their dad...that HAD been for them. They told me, we were here first, we will always come first. I tried to explain to them like Blue said ….YOU ARE FIRST...as his children. I am first as a 'relationship' person. They got mad at me one time cuz I sent him a letter and on the back I said something like, from our little family, C and pup. Like the dog was our kid. That pissed them off to no end.

 

Then the guy I just got done dating for 6 years, I ALWAYS knew his kids came before me....no contest. One time years ago, I went to his house. We were suppose to go out to a park and walk. His daughter (adult) had stopped by with some friends. I waited for a while until it was getting close to dark. I said....are we going to the park??? Made HIM mad. After his daughter left, I was trying to do damage control and be all nice...and he said...MY KIDS will ALWAYS come first.

 

NOW you see...if I would have made plans with my SO and my adult son would have stopped over...I would have said...Oh SO and I are leaving in half an hours, we have plans. I have...and done that many times. I never kicked the bf to the curb, because the "kids" wanted something.

 

Now if I had little kids....of course they would need their parent. I stayed married just to raise mine. Even tho I couldn't stand the father.

 

But I understand the OP when she's feeling way down at the bottom of the Totem pole....especially if she was looking into long term But a few months isn't suppose to be this hard. On dating sites, I have read a few that said, My kids are my priority and always will be.

 

And I skip them.

 

So. My feelings are. Kids should be priority/No. 1....as his kids.

You should be a priority/No. 1 as the primary relationship. The book I read called the 'primary' relationship....the 'couple' relationship.

 

Kids grow up. The get married. Then they make their husband/wife/kids THEIR priority. It's certainly not the 'dad/mom'.....that's a priority. And it shouldn't be.

 

I hope all this rambling has made sense. I had talked this same scenario over and over with my customers(friends) and they were spit. Funny, the woman i'm thinking of who thought the kids should be first, was divorced. The woman who thought the spouse should come first...has been married for 50 years....lol

 

AGREE!!!

 

I remember being at a car dealership where the little girl sat stiff with a quivering lip and the parents were like "what's wrooong??" The child did not like the car they were buying. You know what? My parents had us stay at home when they went to buy a car, but if i was there, they would say tough crap - if I didn't like the car, that was just too bad. And the couple with the KID LEFT THE DEALERSHIP and didn't buy the car. It seemed like they were there before and came to ink the deal. Anytime "KIDS FIRST" is a sign of parents that let their child run them.

 

making sure your kids are safe, warm, fed and emotionally healthy is paramount, but they do not rule "first" over the adults.

[Batya33]

I think it depends what he means by "first" - if it means raising an entitled, demanding child because he puts her first in that way that's one thing - but putting her safety, care, emotional health first is quite another. I lost the opportunity to get to know certain people because I put my baby's sleep schedule first, annoyed a friend who wanted me to leave my baby alone sleeping in a high rise apartment so I could go downstairs and meet her boyfriend, did not get a repeat invitation to a family member's mountain summer home because I didn't feel comfortable staying there when my child was a baby, etc. But no I don't put him first as is "you are first you rule the roost". That's a different kind of "first". I am troubled that he keeps repeating it.

[ThatwasThen]

I'm not troubled that he keeps repeating it. I wonder why he does. Op has yet to respond to in what context he repeats.

[Lambert]

For what it is worth, I think you did the right thing, even without a lot of context. Your relationship is just that, yours. Just a few months in, it should be a lot of fun and good times. Of course, you are getting to know each other and are not each other's priority, right now. There are many people that I hear say similar things and it's like great.... be with someone of the same opinion, because that is a fundamental value that they have. I always have to laugh, when I see things like "Share this if you love your (fill in the blank, mom, kids, son etc). Like of course your children come first. Who is he trying to prove it to? You? Himself?

 

I personally, am of the same school of thought that other's have mentioned-- your marriage comes first. Then your kids. And I think the people that are so appalled by that, take it very literally. Life is full of conflicting priorities that always changing. Some times work comes first, sometimes the dog, your parents, your kids, the car, the hole in the roof... That is just being an adult. By putting my hubs first, does not mean I abuse my children. It means my marriage comes first, because my spouse is my partner in life and we do this together. Maybe single parents have a lot of guilt and they are trying soothe themselves. But it can come across a little harsh, if they are always saying it. Because they have something you don't. And it's like ok..... I am not trying to poison you against your own children. There probably is a lot of fear within him.... fear that he will do something that will harm the children in some way... Like bring a wicked step mother into the picture. I am willing to bet, it has nothing to do with you.

 

I imagine, a person that always says his kids come first, means his kids come first. As a non-mom :-) Why would you want to deal with that? You can date anyone you want and find someone that, may have children, but also thinks-- I love my kids but I have other needs, too. Needs that kids can't meet and if I am going to get my needs met, I have to meet my partner's needs, too. (Get your mind outta the gutter. I mean companionship, too hahaha)

 

I think someone with children is probably better off with another single parent. A balance and understanding is there. As a non-mom myself, I have freedom and things single parents don't. And before anyone jumps on me for being cold hearted or whatever, I am not saying either is better or worse. I am simply stating a fact. They are completely different lifestyles. They can work together, it happens all the time, but not for everybody.

 

Good luck OP! You did the right thing. At the end of the day, if he reaches out to discuss, be honest. He could surprise you and say he didn't realize how he was coming across. Issues do come up in relationships. All relationships. The ones that last are the ones that work through issues with communication, compromise and changed behavior. But both people have to be on the same page. If he doesn't surprise you, then you know.... Either way-- when you see those red flags, address and end it or have a conversation. Sometimes we don't want to have a conversation. We do want to end it. And that is ok, too. In this overly critical, politically correct world, it's good to know. YES! You can decide just for yourself, for your own reasons, who you want to have a relationship with and who you don't. That goes for romantic or platonic relationships.

[j.man]

Y'all know "my kids come first" doesn't mean they get the final say in 40-grain bread or rye, right? I've known plenty of strong single parents who make it a point not because junior gets the candy bar junior wants, but because their kids' basal needs are always going to precede dating and romance. Yes, it's ****in' weird if a dedicated and loving husband and wife are sitting at the family table and only for the wife to point her fork at the husband telling him unsolicited that the kids will always come before him. But it's pretty routine and honestly understandable that single parents who date really make it a point to drive it home that they're responsible to a human child who will sometimes or likely even often result in canceled or changed plans, phones on the table ready to take a call during dates, or that should the custodial / joint-custody parent need to relocate, there will be significant and lasting ramifications for that as well.

 

Marriages don't come first. Relationships don't come first. Both are absolutely voluntary. The kid had no say in being brought into this world. Should you bring that child into this world, they are then your primary responsibility. That's not saying there can't be an overlap insofar as a child's needs are best fulfilled by a stable and loving marriage, but that yes, your absolute primary responsibility is to your progeny.

[Batya33]

I'm not troubled that he keeps repeating it. I wonder why he does. Op has yet to respond to in what context he repeats.

 

i'm troubled in the same way you are -I'm just calling it "troubled" -it's concerning that he keeps repeating it and there could be a lot of reasons for it.

[figureitout23]

I'm not troubled that he keeps repeating it. I wonder why he does. Op has yet to respond to in what context he repeats.

 

i'm troubled in the same way you are -I'm just calling it "troubled" -it's concerning that he keeps repeating it and there could be a lot of reasons for it.

 

I agree with you both as well as jman.

 

What is the context here?

 

Is he saying unprovoked or not?

 

Cause it’s offputting to say unprovoked but it’s also offputting that I’d have to keep saying it to someone.

 

Her: let’s go to Hawaii

Him: I can’t it’s my week with the kids.

Her: leave them with their mother what’s the big deal?

Him: I told you, for the millionth time, my kids come first, I want to spend time with them.

 

If that’s what’s actually happening the OPer is the one that’s in the wrong, and until she clarifies, it’s hard to say.

[boltnrun]

OP, are you still reading?

 

Does he just randomly, out of nowhere, say "Hey, my kids are number one!!" Like, you're trying to decide pizza toppings and he shouts "My kids are number one!!!!1111"

 

Please, context would be great.

 

Also, yeah, a man who is not a father is probably a better fit for you.

[Jibralta]

I want a partner I can build a future with together , buy a house. I feel he will do all this but mainly for his kids. I feel investing into future with this guy will be bad investment for me. I cancelled our date tonight and don’t feel like seeing him again. I never dated anyone with kids. Can someone give me advice about this..??? Am I overreacting?

 

Your fear is a legitimate one. My sister dated a widower for a little while--her friend's brother. Things started out smashingly well. But not long after she met his little daughter, the guy started asking her to babysit while he went out! It became clear that he was really just searching for a mom to raise his daughter. And that is totally understandable. It's natural for a single parent to want to find a mother (or father) to help raise their child. And some people are able to fill those shoes admirably and round out the family. But if this is not a role that you are comfortable with, you should move on. It's a critical difference and neither of you should compromise in this case.

[Capttrae]

His kids should be #1. Period end of report. Always will be. They are his flesh and blood.

[maew]

after he repeated how his kids are number 1 several times I got turned off and it made me feel worthless .

 

I feel like I don’t see future with him when his future are his kids. I want a partner I can build a future with together , buy a house. I feel he will do all this but mainly for his kids.

 

I feel investing into future with this guy will be bad investment for me.

 

I think there is some missing context here... what stands out though is your reaction, which was to feel worthless as a human being when he put his kids first. Or maybe worthless in his eyes... either way, your worth should not depend on what anyone thinks of you or where you are on their "list".

 

What also stands out is that he has been reiterating this need to put his kids first pretty much constantly with you. Whether that's because he feels pressured to compromise his time or goals with them to be with you, or whether it's because he has had girlfriends in the past that have pressured him, or perhaps he hasn't been the most available dad or feels guilty that he split with the mom or or or.... we don't know the whole story.

 

What I do know and as others have said, is that because this is a new relationship it's very natural that the kids come first... and the reality with any blended family situation is that will almost always be the case. If you accept this and let him do what he needs to do, over time he will see you as a partner and support instead of someone that is trying to steal his time away from his children.

 

Of course there is nothing to say that you need to stay and put up with this... he sounds a bit unbalanced and like he has ALOT of baggage, and the unhappiness you feel is important to acknowledge. And know there are other dads out there that do have balance, that are capable of having a successful relationship with both their new partner and their kids without going to extremes.