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Everything posted by AutumnBorn

  1. JL, you resent her seeing other people after the break up? My advise is you should absolutely move on and consider her just another part of your past. What we do when we're not in a committed relationship is fair game and not up for debate. Besides, she can't undo anything and you've more or less said that the idea of her having been with someone else is too much for you. I say this with both your and her interests in mind: It's likely your resentment would lead to contempt and the one thing that's absolutely impossible to overcome in a relationship is contempt, so getting back tog
  2. You know one thing that keeps people from being happy is the decision to not be happy. Just decide that the BS of what happened while you were apart doesn't matter. It's not a topic that needs to be discussed and dissected. In the words of Frozen, "let it go". Have you read Al Turtle's website, alturtle.com? (Best and most comprehensive website on the internet.) Also, I recommend Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships. Not a relationship book, per se, rather a sociology book with insights into the how and why of breakups (and, in turn, some insights on how
  3. Get a better education from a reputable school. That's the most important thing you can do for you and your son. There may be childcare at the college you attend and certainly financial aid.
  4. Have you thought about making it casual and related to mutual interests? "Hey, I'm thinking about grabbing my camera one day this week to take some artsy urban pics. Wanna come? I thought it might be more fun with another set of eyes." Not too pushy or formal, just two people hanging out together doing something they both have an interest in.
  5. Sounds to me like she was expecting you to reply and when you didn't, she had a little panic attack, wondering if you were gone for good. It now seems she's realized she may have given you a thread of hope and is having second thoughts or unsure of how to respond. She clearly had you friend-zoned as she was a sporadic correspondent, at best. Or perhaps she's giving you a taste of you own medicine? Like, "I'll wait even longer to reply and show him what it's like to be ignored". Maybe she's not that type. I hope not. My advice, not that you asked, is to let it go and exp
  6. Astro, whenever I was tempted to make contact with my ex, I looked at my List of Reasons (a list of reasons I should be happy he was gone). My original goal was to find 10 reasons I should be happy it was over. By the time I was done, I had over 100 reasons. It was shocking to see them all written out. A real wake up call. (Would I willingly go into a relationship with a man who did or said those things to me? Because continuing open contact was, in fact, willingly continuing to engage in that toxic relationship.) I never reached out to him and only responded when it was necessary. Of cour
  7. Springvidi, I want you to think about something: Knowing who he is, how he treated you in the past, would you knowingly and willingly choose to reenter a relationship with him? Also, understand that he did the best he could at the time. And it wasn't good enough. You deserve a happily ever after. AB
  8. Darkus, there's a great book called Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships. I think you should get a copy and read it cover to cover before you initiate contact with her again. It's not a relationship book. Rather, it's a sociology book and it's amazing. It may help you find answers your partner can't give. In the meantime, you should go to alturtle.com and begin reading his website. Start with "What to do when she/he leaves you". I had to read Al's site three times (I'm thick headed) before it all sank in. Everything changed for me when I read the book and that website. I
  9. It's not normal, but can she come in weekly? Does she do windows? Let it go. She's trying to stage the place for optimum visualization.
  10. Dating anyone who repeats himself over and over is a complete turn off. Yeah, his kids come first. Mine, too. But I don't beat their step-father over the head with it. And, guess what? Sometimes HE IS my top priority. My kids get that, too. Dump him.
  11. LSL, I recommend you pick up a copy of Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships. It's not a relationship book, per se. It's a sociology book about how relationships end and invaluable when you can't get the answers you need. I suspect it'll be as important in your healing as it was to mine many years ago.
  12. I understand it's bad form to date two people when in high school but, if you're a grownup, you're not only allowed to do it, you must assume the other person is also dating multiple people. Until there's a ring on it, it's fine.
  13. Well, two months is hardly enough time to correct those mistakes, whether you begged or not. When you actually have grown and matured, that's when you know it's OK to reach out. Not a moment before. What are you actually doing, other than biding your time? How are you actively and visibly working on yourself?
  14. Did you know that at least 10% of divorced couples remarry each other? A friend of mine remarried her first husband after being divorced for 20 years - they'd only reconnected after each had married someone else and divorced. It's kind of a cool story. Tina and I met up one day and she told me she'd gotten a call from a high school friend who told her Kurt, her first husband (they married right after high school) had died. She said, "no, he's not dead. If he were dead, I'd feel it." There was a memorial service at their former home town and everything. Tina refused to go - she said it was r
  15. You call this cheating? It's not even emotional cheating - he's not in love with her. He doesn't even know her. You called it "entertaining". Let's agree that's what it was and leave it at that. Entertainment doesn't break-up a relationship. She wasn't even powerful enough to get him to take a drive. You're going to manifest a break-up if you don't work on your confidence and self-esteem. This isn't about him or her, it's about how you're reacting to it - your wanting to hurt him, to put him through hell says a lot about you. Who wants to be with a person who's vindictive instead of forgivi
  16. First of all, in all my many years I have yet to "feel" anything when kissed other than someone's lips on mine or, sadly, a wet face (the worst). Don't buy into the Hollywood version of what a kiss should be. Kissing just isn't that great on it's own - no stars bursting in air, no earth shaking, no waking up from a coma. Don't worry about your sexuality. You don't need a label. Just enjoy being you and if you find love with a girl or guy, just enjoy it. My motherly advice is, don't have sex with anyone unless YOU'RE really into it. Never, ever have pity sex with someone. It'll always b
  17. Lucha, I am in a relationship with an alcoholic. A wonderful, intelligent, handsome, successful, respected, semi-famous man whom I adore. This is what I know about alcoholics: Alcoholics drink because they're alcoholics. It has nothing to do with you or anything anybody has said or done. Sobriety comes and goes. Two weeks, four months, six months, twelve years of sobriety? It's just a pause in drinking/smoking/injecting. They are and always will be addicts. As a medical professional, you should know and accept that alcoholism is NOT a disease. Alcoholism is not the flu, cancer, HIV, o
  18. Coyote, life is cake. Relationships are icing.Icing always needs cake to hold it up, cake rarely needs icing to taste good. (Forgive me, I used to bake a lot.) If she says she wants to split up, the best thing you can do, IMO, is nod and say you agree, it's for the best. No explanation as to what you mean and no need to ask her for one. By being silent, you won't say anything you'll regret or have to apologise for and you won't have to hear how disappointed she is. If she wants to talk details, tell her you need to let things settle in and you'll be in touch. Then, post here. I sug
  19. Eruki, you sound like my daughter in so many ways. A. suffers from depression, anxiety, and a host of other problems. She's a little older than you, graduating next week (end of winter quarter) and heading to grad school in the fall. She took a year and a half off to just settle into herself. If you were here with me, I'd make you tea and toast while you cried and told me everything you want to say. And I'd listen. There aren't any easy answers, but sometimes you just need warmth and comfort. Where are/we're you going to school? Plus, insurance should cover mental health to some exten
  20. Marriage means a lot of things. It's a contract with certain rights and responsibilities. Such as: Should he die, you are entitled to his estate. Not married, you get nothing, even if you live together, except for your personal belongings, unless he names you as his heir in an iron clad will. (Check your state inheritance laws, as they differ state to state.) Married, you can claim S.S. benefits on half his income at retirement age (even of you are later divorced, as long as you've been married at least 10 years and you don't remarry). Married, you are entitled to make decisions on hi
  21. It's a little weird that such a young woman would be hanging out at any time with such an older man. It's also not unusual for a man of a certain age to find a much younger woman intriguing. My advice: Get a copy of Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships ASAP; Go to Alturtle.com and read every entry he has posted; Act as if nothing is concerning you - jealousy and insecurity are so unappealing they'll drive someone away; If she messages you again, ask for copies of DMs or emails. Question: What are you prepared to do if you learn he's lying?
  22. Natasha, it took me about four years, but I was with my ex for decades. You'll get there in your own time.
  23. Do you expect perfection from everyone or just him? Do you try to control all adults or just him? Do you push all people away or just him? Just wondering if it's just him....
  24. Questions: What kind of pictures were you expecting? Her looking sad? Crying? No pictures? Do you think those picture perfect lives portrayed on Facebook or Instagram are real, that those people are always happy and up, never in pain, that their lunch always tastes as good as it looks in pictures? (BTW, I hope to never see a picture of someone's lunch or dinner again. About as uninteresting as a photo can get.) Do you think her cheating was the cause of the relationship problems rather than a symptom? The trip isn't the problem. Let go of it. (You do things without her, too, right? Like mus
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