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Everything posted by AutumnBorn

  1. JL, you resent her seeing other people after the break up? My advise is you should absolutely move on and consider her just another part of your past. What we do when we're not in a committed relationship is fair game and not up for debate. Besides, she can't undo anything and you've more or less said that the idea of her having been with someone else is too much for you. I say this with both your and her interests in mind: It's likely your resentment would lead to contempt and the one thing that's absolutely impossible to overcome in a relationship is contempt, so getting back together and having a healthy relationship is a non-starter. The thing I'm curious about is, have you not had sex with anyone since you split up?
  2. You know one thing that keeps people from being happy is the decision to not be happy. Just decide that the BS of what happened while you were apart doesn't matter. It's not a topic that needs to be discussed and dissected. In the words of Frozen, "let it go". Have you read Al Turtle's website, alturtle.com? (Best and most comprehensive website on the internet.) Also, I recommend Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships. Not a relationship book, per se, rather a sociology book with insights into the how and why of breakups (and, in turn, some insights on how to get back together or stay together, if you care to extrapolate on the research).
  3. Get a better education from a reputable school. That's the most important thing you can do for you and your son. There may be childcare at the college you attend and certainly financial aid.
  4. Have you thought about making it casual and related to mutual interests? "Hey, I'm thinking about grabbing my camera one day this week to take some artsy urban pics. Wanna come? I thought it might be more fun with another set of eyes." Not too pushy or formal, just two people hanging out together doing something they both have an interest in.
  5. Sounds to me like she was expecting you to reply and when you didn't, she had a little panic attack, wondering if you were gone for good. It now seems she's realized she may have given you a thread of hope and is having second thoughts or unsure of how to respond. She clearly had you friend-zoned as she was a sporadic correspondent, at best. Or perhaps she's giving you a taste of you own medicine? Like, "I'll wait even longer to reply and show him what it's like to be ignored". Maybe she's not that type. I hope not. My advice, not that you asked, is to let it go and expect no response at all. The ball is in her court. Leave it there until she picks it up and lobs it back at you. Good for you for not initiating contact with someone you clearly care for. I know how hard it can be. Be well.
  6. Astro, whenever I was tempted to make contact with my ex, I looked at my List of Reasons (a list of reasons I should be happy he was gone). My original goal was to find 10 reasons I should be happy it was over. By the time I was done, I had over 100 reasons. It was shocking to see them all written out. A real wake up call. (Would I willingly go into a relationship with a man who did or said those things to me? Because continuing open contact was, in fact, willingly continuing to engage in that toxic relationship.) I never reached out to him and only responded when it was necessary. Of course, he came sniffing around again, but I didn't fall for it. Today my ex is the ex-husband every girl dreams of one day having. He's a new man (our breakup taught him a lot) with a new girlfriend (he says "it's better than being alone"...that should tell you how emotionally unavailable he is). We talk, chat, he even stops by my office to say "hi" because his doctor is down the hall. We're truly friends and still family in a lot of ways (we have two grown kids). But that never would have been possible if I had not decided I deserve better and stopped engaging. He never would have grown as a human being.
  7. Springvidi, I want you to think about something: Knowing who he is, how he treated you in the past, would you knowingly and willingly choose to reenter a relationship with him? Also, understand that he did the best he could at the time. And it wasn't good enough. You deserve a happily ever after. AB
  8. Darkus, there's a great book called Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships. I think you should get a copy and read it cover to cover before you initiate contact with her again. It's not a relationship book. Rather, it's a sociology book and it's amazing. It may help you find answers your partner can't give. In the meantime, you should go to alturtle.com and begin reading his website. Start with "What to do when she/he leaves you". I had to read Al's site three times (I'm thick headed) before it all sank in. Everything changed for me when I read the book and that website. I developed a detailed plan to become the one who got away and stopped letting my impulses control me. It worked like magic. (Yes, my ex came sniffing around again, but by then I was way out of his league and couldn't go back. I knew I'd rather be alone than have him back long before then but, afterward, I was truly happy.) Here's a few ideas: 1. Learn something new. Maybe you study a new language or French cooking. Maybe you take a class. You'll love the feeling of accomplishment. (I took lots of classes and got a promotion at work because of it.) 2. Take up a new hobby. Learn to play an instrument or pick up a new one, digital photography, painting. You'll have to concentrate on something other than your feelings. (I learned how to play the cello.) 3. Eat right and workout every day. You'll sleep better, feel better, look better. (I had to get a whole new wardrobe.) 4. Do something immediately to change the way you look, something small, not drastic. Part your hair differently, if you normally wear t-shirts switch to button down. The small change will register subliminally with your ex. 5. If your ex still comes over to your house to see a child, re-arrange the furniture. This is a visual clue that it's your place now, not hers. And keep it clean - let her know you don't need her help, that you're capable of taking care of yourself. (I bought all new furniture. He walked in one day and said "this doesn't look like the old place anymore". I said, "it's my place now; thought I'd freshen it up."). 6. Volunteer with a non-profit organization you feel passion for - you'll meet new people with the same passion. 7. Join a team or meet-up (chess? books? softball? handball?). You'll meet new friends, have fun, and socialize. 8. Have an adventure. Get in the car and explore your own or a local town or take your 16 year old on a road trip (my son and I went to a three day music festival half way across the country and had a great time). 9. Become an expert in something that interests you - local politics, history, or architecture (maybe combined with your new digital photography skills?). You'll become more interesting. 10. Make family time with your kids - game night and dinners. They'll appreciate your interest in their lives and activities. No talk about mom or the break-up. Control the only thing you can control - yourself. That means you control communication, your environment, your mind, how you socialize. You'll get to good eventually. Really good. I promise.
  9. It's not normal, but can she come in weekly? Does she do windows? Let it go. She's trying to stage the place for optimum visualization.
  10. Dating anyone who repeats himself over and over is a complete turn off. Yeah, his kids come first. Mine, too. But I don't beat their step-father over the head with it. And, guess what? Sometimes HE IS my top priority. My kids get that, too. Dump him.
  11. LSL, I recommend you pick up a copy of Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships. It's not a relationship book, per se. It's a sociology book about how relationships end and invaluable when you can't get the answers you need. I suspect it'll be as important in your healing as it was to mine many years ago.
  12. I understand it's bad form to date two people when in high school but, if you're a grownup, you're not only allowed to do it, you must assume the other person is also dating multiple people. Until there's a ring on it, it's fine.
  13. Well, two months is hardly enough time to correct those mistakes, whether you begged or not. When you actually have grown and matured, that's when you know it's OK to reach out. Not a moment before. What are you actually doing, other than biding your time? How are you actively and visibly working on yourself?
  14. Did you know that at least 10% of divorced couples remarry each other? A friend of mine remarried her first husband after being divorced for 20 years - they'd only reconnected after each had married someone else and divorced. It's kind of a cool story. Tina and I met up one day and she told me she'd gotten a call from a high school friend who told her Kurt, her first husband (they married right after high school) had died. She said, "no, he's not dead. If he were dead, I'd feel it." There was a memorial service at their former home town and everything. Tina refused to go - she said it was ridiculous and she wasn't going to take part in it. Everyone said she was out of her mind. So, this friend had called Kurt's number in Texas. Kurt and a friend were playing computer games. Kurt was at the controls when the phone rang. His friend answered the call. Friend: Kurt, someone wants to talk to you. What do you want me to tell him? Kurt (whose character at that time had just been shot and killed): I died. A moment later, Kurt asks who was on the phone. His friend said, "I don't know. He didn't leave his name." "What did you tell him?" "That you died." It was months later that Kurt called his old high school buddy back in Illinois. They had a great laugh about what happened. Kurt asked how many people showed up at his memorial service and his friend said all their high school friends were there, except for Tina - she refused to believe he was dead. Kurt said, "do you have her number?" Two weeks later, Kurt was in town and he and Tina met up for coffee. And the rest is history. My ex-husband and I were the witnesses at their re-marriage. Yes, it's possible.
  15. You call this cheating? It's not even emotional cheating - he's not in love with her. He doesn't even know her. You called it "entertaining". Let's agree that's what it was and leave it at that. Entertainment doesn't break-up a relationship. She wasn't even powerful enough to get him to take a drive. You're going to manifest a break-up if you don't work on your confidence and self-esteem. This isn't about him or her, it's about how you're reacting to it - your wanting to hurt him, to put him through hell says a lot about you. Who wants to be with a person who's vindictive instead of forgiving? If you play the game you have in mind, are you prepared to lose? As long as you're ready for the worst case scenario, do what makes sense to you.
  16. First of all, in all my many years I have yet to "feel" anything when kissed other than someone's lips on mine or, sadly, a wet face (the worst). Don't buy into the Hollywood version of what a kiss should be. Kissing just isn't that great on it's own - no stars bursting in air, no earth shaking, no waking up from a coma. Don't worry about your sexuality. You don't need a label. Just enjoy being you and if you find love with a girl or guy, just enjoy it. My motherly advice is, don't have sex with anyone unless YOU'RE really into it. Never, ever have pity sex with someone. It'll always be bad. Really bad. And you'll end up hating the guy and yourself for having done it.
  17. Lucha, I am in a relationship with an alcoholic. A wonderful, intelligent, handsome, successful, respected, semi-famous man whom I adore. This is what I know about alcoholics: Alcoholics drink because they're alcoholics. It has nothing to do with you or anything anybody has said or done. Sobriety comes and goes. Two weeks, four months, six months, twelve years of sobriety? It's just a pause in drinking/smoking/injecting. They are and always will be addicts. As a medical professional, you should know and accept that alcoholism is NOT a disease. Alcoholism is not the flu, cancer, HIV, or any other disease. One doesn't just not indulge in those diseases and keep them at bay. This is how we know addiction as disease is utter bull. Think about cigarette smokers. Are they protected as suffering from diseases? Hell no. Jesus. ing. Christ. So ridiculous. I USED TO SMOKE CIGARETTES. Nobody treated me like I had diabetes. Nobody said I needed help. Not one God damned, self-absorbed . Not even addicts! WTH?! Why? Oh, wait...only SOME addictions are disease. (Bull.) Personalities do not change because of alcohol. My mister is the same wonderful man, drinking or sober. The core of who he is does not change. He doesn't become insecure because he's drinking - he has a healthy self-esteem. He doesn't accuse me of cheating because he knows he's worthy of trust and fidelity. He's not cruel, mean, angry when he drinks because he's none of those things sober. He isn't hiding those traits. Instead, he's warm, funny, frustrating (when he doesn't listen because sometimes he just can't seem to pause his mouth long enough to hear what I say). He gets sentimental because he IS sentimental. He gets affectionate because he IS affectionate. It's all just amplified a bit. Alcoholics and addicts become emotionally arrested at the time they become addicted. It takes therapy to move forward from the time they become addicted. Simply stopping drinking/smoking meth/injecting heroin doesn't make them mature or heal them. (Lucky for me, my mister was in his 40s when his alcohol consumption became an addiction.) Save yourself. Never allow a drowning victim to take you down. Let the drowning person go to save your own life - it's better that just ONE person dies than two. You can love someone from afar. You can love a memory. You can even love potential. You don't have to be in the same room to care for or love anyone. She will not get sober for you. She MUST do it for herself and for what she values. Never make a threat you can't follow through on. Rational Recovery puts sobriety on the shoulders of the addict, making them feel responsible for their actions. They MUST understand they are in control. There is no "higher power" for cancer/HIV/diabetes. It's OK to walk away. You have your own/my/everyone's permission. You do NOT need her permission. Your calling is of a higher nature. Follow it and learn from this relationship. Love yourself above all.
  18. Coyote, life is cake. Relationships are icing.Icing always needs cake to hold it up, cake rarely needs icing to taste good. (Forgive me, I used to bake a lot.) If she says she wants to split up, the best thing you can do, IMO, is nod and say you agree, it's for the best. No explanation as to what you mean and no need to ask her for one. By being silent, you won't say anything you'll regret or have to apologise for and you won't have to hear how disappointed she is. If she wants to talk details, tell her you need to let things settle in and you'll be in touch. Then, post here. I suggest you don't take her call or respond to text/emails (she'll want to make sure you're OK) until you've posted here and given it 24 hours (?) of thought. We'll be here. BTW, in every relationship there are shifting powers. One person always wants the relationship more than their partner - it can switch between partners at any given time. The one who wants the relationship least holds the power. Right now, she has all the power. If you want to win her back or get her attention again, you have to get some power back. Let me know if you're interested in hearing how. I think I could write my own book after all the books I read, research I did, counselors I saw.
  19. Eruki, you sound like my daughter in so many ways. A. suffers from depression, anxiety, and a host of other problems. She's a little older than you, graduating next week (end of winter quarter) and heading to grad school in the fall. She took a year and a half off to just settle into herself. If you were here with me, I'd make you tea and toast while you cried and told me everything you want to say. And I'd listen. There aren't any easy answers, but sometimes you just need warmth and comfort. Where are/we're you going to school? Plus, insurance should cover mental health to some extent. If not, community health centers are there. Now...do you have tea? Bread? Ready to talk? Love, A's Mom
  20. Marriage means a lot of things. It's a contract with certain rights and responsibilities. Such as: Should he die, you are entitled to his estate. Not married, you get nothing, even if you live together, except for your personal belongings, unless he names you as his heir in an iron clad will. (Check your state inheritance laws, as they differ state to state.) Married, you can claim S.S. benefits on half his income at retirement age (even of you are later divorced, as long as you've been married at least 10 years and you don't remarry). Married, you are entitled to make decisions on his behalf should he become incapacitated. Single, without having his Power of Attorney, you have no rights to make decisions on his behalf. You have no right to visit him in a hospital, should be need it. His parents/next of kin could bar you from seeing him. He can have you evicted from his home if you are not on the lease or deed when you are not married. You know what George Clooney did when he married his wife, Amal? He proved to everyone what we all suspected - that a man who "doesn't believe in marriage' simply means he doesn't believe he'll marry you. When the right one comes along, men want to get married. So...what's in it for you, playing by his rules (besides stretch marks)? He gets everything, but no binding commitment. One more thing: Both he and you have lost sight of a very simple fact: YOU are the prize. Act accordingly. Prizes don't give themselves away; they must be won. Good luck.
  21. It's a little weird that such a young woman would be hanging out at any time with such an older man. It's also not unusual for a man of a certain age to find a much younger woman intriguing. My advice: Get a copy of Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships ASAP; Go to Alturtle.com and read every entry he has posted; Act as if nothing is concerning you - jealousy and insecurity are so unappealing they'll drive someone away; If she messages you again, ask for copies of DMs or emails. Question: What are you prepared to do if you learn he's lying?
  22. Natasha, it took me about four years, but I was with my ex for decades. You'll get there in your own time.
  23. Do you expect perfection from everyone or just him? Do you try to control all adults or just him? Do you push all people away or just him? Just wondering if it's just him....
  24. Questions: What kind of pictures were you expecting? Her looking sad? Crying? No pictures? Do you think those picture perfect lives portrayed on Facebook or Instagram are real, that those people are always happy and up, never in pain, that their lunch always tastes as good as it looks in pictures? (BTW, I hope to never see a picture of someone's lunch or dinner again. About as uninteresting as a photo can get.) Do you think her cheating was the cause of the relationship problems rather than a symptom? The trip isn't the problem. Let go of it. (You do things without her, too, right? Like music festivals...?) Couples don't have to do everything together. In fact, sometimes there isn't enough oxygen in the room for two people who spend all their time breathing the same air. There's a great book I suggest you read - Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships. It's not a relationship book; it's a sociology book. It might provide you with some insights that may be helpful. It really helped me when my ex and I were splitting up. Whatever you do, I wish you luck, but right now be very careful about making her out to be the villan, whether it's in your own head or with others It might be a real disservice to yourself in the future (you'll find out why in the book). Be well.
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