I suspect my husband has a crush… but he doesn’t know it

[adviceseeker1]

Hi all, first time poster here. Sorry for the long post. I’ve honestly just had all this bottled up and I need to vent a little. My husband and I have been married for 3 years and together for about 10. We were best friends before ever dating all those years ago and have been happy for the most part. But the past several months I’ve had a horrible suspicion. I’m posting here because I suspect a female friend of my husband is more to him than just a friend, but it’s a complicated situation and I’m not sure where to go from here. 
 

To give some background, you have to understand that my husband is a very caring person and really likes helping people in need. He is generous and likes to give others advice. That’s just part of who he is and it’s something I love about him. 
 

This friend i mentioned he initially met online years ago in an online game - before I ever met him. This friend does not live in our state but close enough to drive here to visit. She’s in her early 20s and we are 30. One of the worst parts about the situation is she’s kind of grown to be a somewhat friend of mine too - we’ve had several friend gatherings with her (and others) and have spent a lot of time together. She has even given me gifts for my birthday, etc. This past summer we even went on a group “friend” vacation together - with me, my husband, this girl, and one other friend. We like hanging out as a group and have good times. 
 

So here’s where my worries begin. I feel that there are many little signs that might mean my husband is more connected to this person that he should be. These signs have become more and more obvious to me over a long period of several months and many of them emerged over said vacation. I believe that men and women can be just friends, but some of these just make me uncomfortable. 
 

- He talked to her A LOT. Texting, Snapchat, and on the Xbox voice chat very often as they play many games together. 
- I’ve noticed when he talks to her he always sounds happy and interested. He laughs with her and always seems engaged.
- He buys her gifts. He always gets her a birthday gift on time even though other friends he often doesn’t buy for or is usually gives very belated gifts. I’ve also noticed he sometimes buys her little things she’s perfectly capable of getting herself. For example on vacation we were at a bar and she mentioned interest in a bag of special chips they had. When she paid her tab she didn’t buy the chips. Minutes later my husband bought them for her - after asking me if I wanted any as well. 
- She always calls my husband in tears when she has a problem, even if it’s late at night, like after midnight. This girl is kind of “crisis girl”. She seems to cry and be upset over a variety of problems somewhat often. “My dog isn’t acting right, a boy told me he wasn’t interested in dating me, my mom yelled at me, etc.” My husband is her go-to apparently and she often calls him in tears about her problems. And he always answers and talks to her. He also seems worried about her. 
- He has said “their minds are too alike” and has made several other comments along those lines that amount to him finding similarities between them. 
- Sometimes he goes in the other room when she calls to talk. He does this for no one else. 
- He mentions her a lot and always just seems happy when he talks about her. 
- Several months ago he actually asked me if I’d be ok with him driving to her and visiting her for a weekend. Just him because he was worried about her and she had some problems she needed to talk about. He claimed he would stay in a hotel. I told him I wasn’t comfortable with that and he got upset at me. 
- On vacation there were times he’s be extra nice to her and cruel to me in the same minute. Example: we were doing dishes and he said to her “thank you so much for helping.” I put more dirty dishes in the sink and he said “you’re really making this more complicated than it should be” (he didn’t like how I put them in the sink 🙄)

- Over vacation I felt left out a lot because he always just seemed to want to talk to her. Any attempts I made to do something romantic with just the two of us were rejected and he’d go watch tv with her instead  

I have told him I suspected something several months ago and his response was “well she is someone I care about a lot. But we’re just friends”. My feelings of insecurity have only grown since that time. Especially after seeing how he interacted with her over our vacation. Does he really think she’s just a friend? Does he not realize some of this behavior is crossing a line? I don’t think anything physical at all is going on between them but there seems to be more emotional attachment than what is normal. I don’t know.  I’m not sure where to go from here. 

[SooSad33]

Yeah, I see a few red flags with this 😕 

First off, he does NOT have to go travelling to see a 'gal friend' who is so needy.

He is bending over way too far - as it seems to 'make her happy'.

Some serious boundaries need to be met.  He needs to respect your own relationship and stop a lot of this.

Is maybe time to sit and 'calmly' have a heart to heart.

Suggest that YOU should be coming first ( and your relationship).  That he does not need to run to her every need eg. on the phone, constant talking etc.

HE needs to realize this and that you are NOT acting out, but don't deserve to feel you are being pushed to the backburner with this other woman in the way. 

If he can't or doesn't want to see these facts, then is maybe time to pull away from it all, so he WILL hopefully see what it's doing. ( causing a wedge, when it shouldn't be).

IMO, In a way, she should also respect the fact he is with YOU.  She should not be so 'needy- like' and get herself some real friends to complain to.  Not a friends bf.

 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, adviceseeker1 said:

  him driving to her and visiting her for a weekend. Just him because he was worried about her and she had some problems she needed to talk about. 

Sorry this is happening. He's much to involved in her and treats her like a GF.

They're a lot more than friends. He wants you to condone his cheating.

You need to put an end to this.

Stop inviting her over. Stop being her friend. Stop going on vacation with her. 

Your husband wants to get in her pants. You already know this. "We're just friends" is nonsense but you already know that.

There's no reason a 30 something man needs to spend a weekend alone with a 20 something woman.

[redswim30]

I think two things are at play here. 

I do think he has a crush on her.  But please please please STOP BLAMING HER!  Your husband is the one who is married to you.  HE is the one who chooses to pick up the phone calls.  Don't blame HER for HIS actions.  Calling her a "crisis girl" is unfair.  Friends do rely on each other for stuff like that, if you want a line in the sand about when/how often he picks up- you need to tell him so. 

Why on EARTH was she on vacation with you?  But from this, I take that she has been friendly with you, too.  So again, I ask you not to blame her for your husband's action.  Since she has been invited, been friendly with you and even gotten you gifts, she probably simply thinks that you are OKAY with a close friendship between her and your husband.  If I was invited on vacation with a couple, I'd think the same thing.  Buying chips for someone is nothing, so don't over-worry that. 

Now the question you may not like- Taking this woman out of the equation entirely- what is going on with your marriage right now?  It's possible your husband is feeling some desire to feel wanted (not necessarily because of anything YOU did) but maybe he's been not feeling confident and enjoying the ego boost?  Maybe he's felt commitment-phobic lately or having a mid-life crisis and wants to feel young again?  Because you said you've been happy and now all of the sudden this is amplifying, it leads me to believe that perhaps there's either 1. Some underlying issue in your marriage  2. Some underlying issue inside him and this is his way of that problem (whatever it is) manifesting itself. 

You need to have a talk with him.  BUT- VERY IMPORTANT- do not be accusatory during this talk.  If you lambast his friend, he will just tune out whatever else you have to say or call you jealous or repeat the "just a friend" speech.  Don't give him that opportunity. This conversation also shouldn't begin with a list of don'ts for him, which can easily turn against you if the issue IS him trying to "rebel".  Instead, focus on his actions and your feelings to said actions.  " When you don't prioritize me, it makes me feel X.  When you put other people first, it makes me feel Y." And you need to ask him how he has been feeling lately.  And perhaps you will need to get a professional counselor involved. 

But I implore you, do not make the classic mistake of blaming her.  This is really between you and your husband.  She isn't "making him do" anything he doesn't WANT to do.  Calling her names or trying to remove her from your life won't help the problems between you and your husband.  Men who are prone to cheat will cheat. If this one disappears, he will meet another one someday.  This is why it's important to discover the ROOT of HIS behavior or if there's an issue you are unaware of.  

[reinventmyself]

He's crossed a boundary and is emotionally cheating.  Having intimate ongoing conversations with someone outside of your marriage is not ok.  This is perfect example as to why you don't cross this line.  They've created a special bond that is affecting his marriage and creating issues.  Intimate conversations create intimacy between two people.  That should be reserved for his marriage.

You need to ask him, if the tables were turned, would he be ok with you taking your phone into another room and having routine personal conversations with a man that he wasn't privy too?  Would he be ok if you left for the weekend to spend time alone with a man who you were this closely connected to? .. etc.

The fact that you have been more than patient and gracious up to this point and now are respectfully voicing your concerns and he is defending his reasons to continue isn't a good sign.  I agree with having friends of opposite sex and the fact you are included in this friendship is a good sign. But he is now doing things that prioritizes her at your expense and that's unacceptable.

The two of you need to address reasonable boundaries and expectations within your marriage that you both agree on.  He may or may not see that he's done anything wrong, but it's these things that lead to full on affairs.  Married people should not put themselves in opportunity rich environments which make them vulnerable to cross that line.  They are already emotionally intimate, it's not much more of a leap to cross over being physically intimate. 

[Batya33]

I think it’s important in a marriage for people to have personal conversations outside of marriage. I took vows that I wouldn’t have sex outside of my marriage. I expand that to mean no dating and no playing with fire. So I wouldn’t have an intimate convo with someone who seemed to be interested in me romantically. Just like I wouldn’t with someone who had ulterior motives like to get me to buy something or get involved in their MLM. 

I don’t think that’s the problem here.  The problem here is your husband is having personal and intimate conversations with a woman who he knows is interested in him. And who is crossing boundaries. I have a female friend who is very very needy right now. For the last year or so.  

She calls me at times I’ve told her not to. Like before 10am (husband works late at night - phone convo could wake him ) and she knows when our dinner time is and dinner prep - and don’t most people eat or prep dinner around 6 or 7??  

So I’ve stopped taking the calls.  I’ve stopped returning her calls more than once in a day.  I’ve told her basically don’t call me I’ll call you so she’ll stop calling me multiple times.

I’ve created boundaries and it’s working. She still wants to be my friend. Your husband has exactly the same choices and control.  

He can tell her he’s with his wife and family in the evenings. Please don’t call then. He can tell her he can’t talk more than 15-30 minutes at a time. He can tell her and show her he’s not going to jump when she texts. It’s not about her. Yo married a typical stable person right? At least average intelligence right?  Common sense ?  Yes.  So he knows.  He has the control to make choices. Why isn’t he?

[Andrina]

Having an emotional affair can be as damaging as a physical affair. 

If she's in her early 20s and your husband met her online before you even knew him, the girl was 12?

People often fall into emotional affairs when there is something missing in the primary relationship. Often it's with people at work, and that's why the terms exist "work wife" and "work husband."

He is a people pleaser and helpful with advice, but often with people pleasers, the significant other bares the negative fallout, as in other people often getting priority time to the detriment of the SO.

You have tried communication and it hasn't worked. I would highly recommend marriage counseling and I believe that's the only way for him to see that his behavior is negatively impacting your marriage. If a skilled professional can't make him see what he's doing is wrong, then you should begin thinking of ending an arrangement where you'll always be a third wheel on a tricycle where you should really be a part of a bicycle built for two.

Things likely won't change quickly. I'd give counseling at least a good year and doing all the homework the counselor suggests. In the meantime, try to reestablish an emotional connection that might have waned between you two. Is there a new hobby you'd both like? Lessons in tango, skiing, painting, cooking? Buying new bicycles and riding trails? You can go to a couples store and buy stuff to spice up intimacy. Change up your daily routine once in a while, i.e., playing hooky from work, having a picnic on the living room floor, planning a mini-getaway to a nearby town.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[Anonymous]

If this was my marriage, I might start with some boundaries that looked like this:

No more calls after 8, during dinners or anytime that interrupts personal time between you and your husband.

No more being an audience to her personal life, dramas etc.   Chats limited to lighter subjects and not ones that he feels inclined 'to be there for her or trigger him into caretaking or rescuing mode'  She needs to call a close girlfriend to vent to.  Not your husband.  He needs to be able to redirect the conversations to lighter subjects or wrap up the calls completely if he can't.

He needs to limit the amount of time these calls happen.  Catching up once a week is fine.  She should not be part of his daily life.  And no more taking the phone into the other room.

He needs to sensitive to his wife and prioritize you when you all socialize.  He should care how uncomfortable all this makes you feel.  

As I write this it seems a little silly.  He's a grown man and should know the difference. It's the respect that you give to him without being asked.  But if he's clueless you will need to start somewhere before calling a marriage counselour, you should at least consider talking with him about some healthy changes and see if it's at all possible first.

[Anonymous]

1 minute ago, Guest Anonymous said:

If this was my marriage, I might start with some boundaries that looked like this:

No more calls after 8, during dinners or anytime that interrupts personal time between you and your husband.

 

Weird this was posted as anonymous. . when it was written by me.

[reinventmyself]

test  . . sorry.  Don't mean to waste space.  Just wondering why my last two posts were anonymous.

[Kwothe28]

10 hours ago, adviceseeker1 said:

Does he really think she’s just a friend? Does he not realize some of this behavior is crossing a line?

He is a guy in 30s, he is not a baby. Yes, he knows he likes her, question is if he will cross the line or not. What do you think it would happen if he went alone to spend a weekend with her? Would they make cookiees? Or babies?

Sorry, but it is just way too innapropriate. And that is on both of them. Primarily on your husband as he is the one who is more innapropriate and actually crossing the line there. And then on your friend who also knows what it means to call somebody over weekend to "console her". None of them has any boundaries regarding it. And I would actually wonder if something isnt going on already with that kind of behavior.

[lostandhurt]

"We are just friends" is the number one line cheaters use.

 Let's say there is nothing going on between them (which you know there is) but their super close friendship makes you feel unwanted, the third wheel and disconnected from your husband and it is damaging your marriage.  That is itself enough cause for an open discussion with your husband so he knows how this makes you feel.  Then he has no excuse for "Not Knowing you felt this way"

 I see you making excuses for his behavior which is basically denial.  He knows full well how he feels about this young woman so stop pretending he is an innocent person in all this.

  Boundaries are important in any relationship and he seems to have crossed over into an area that makes you feel anxious and concerned.  That is not good so the time for a talk on boundaries is appropriate don't you?  If you wanted to go spend the weekend with some 20 yr old guy I doubt he would be okay with it.

  I just commented on a post where the guys gf had some guy friend that was way to close and sneaking his way in and I noted opposite sex friendships usually are cool with women because they don't know how men think, well I am a guy and I can tell you that your husband may be a saint but he has thought and looked at this 20 yr old in ways he shouldn't have. 

  It appears this emotional affair or connection or whatever you want to call it is supplanting your bond with him which should be the strongest in both of your lives.  In a nutshell it is not good for the marriage.

Lost

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Guest Anonymous said:

No more calls after 8, during dinners or anytime that interrupts personal time between you and your husband.

No more being an audience to her personal life, dramas etc.   Chats limited to lighter subjects and not ones that he feels inclined 'to be there for her or trigger him into caretaking or rescuing mode'  She needs to call a close girlfriend to vent to.  Not your husband.  He needs to be able to redirect the conversations to lighter subjects or wrap up the calls completely if he can't.

He needs to limit the amount of time these calls happen.  Catching up once a week is fine.  She should not be part of his daily life.  And no more taking the phone into the other room.

You know I agree this should be obvious but I love this approach because it dispels the whole "hsyterically jealous woman" nonsense - it's a practical, well thought out place to start - not as a "my way or the highway" but basically -these are the specific things that would make me more comfortable with your interactions with her.

[itsallgrand]

Where are you at as far as your feelings towards him right now and what you would like to see happen going forward? What do you need? 

For me, if my SO was doing this, I'd lose a lot of respect and trust in him. Even if he straightened up, I'd feel distant. I'd basically skip right to "if you are interested in saving the marriage, I need us to go to counselling". 

You've known him many years, is this a character issue that you've overlooked or is it a one off strange out of character thing for him to do? I'm going to say right now, this "friendship" he has with her looks off from the beginning to my eyes. It's inappropriate he was all in there with someone so young, doesn't look good at all. That would have been red flag of character for me. 

And I agree with lost that you seem a bit in denial. "he's caring, tries to help everyone" - ok, but this is not about being caring! The opposite. He's acting like a slimy Weiner. He's grown, he knows, which makes him deceitful on top.. Not good. 

If she disappeared, what would you be left with as far as who he is. That's what you have to figure out. If there is wool over your eyes, you need to pull it off now. And be honest with yourself about what you know about him. 

[reinventmyself]

45 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You know I agree this should be obvious but I love this approach because it dispels the whole "hsyterically jealous woman" nonsense - it's a practical, well thought out place to start - not as a "my way or the highway" but basically -these are the specific things that would make me more comfortable with your interactions with her.

I figured I get a response like this and of course in type you lose the tone and context of what a conversation would sound like.  Of course in print it looks heavy-handed but it is a basic minimal expectation between two adults and a marriage.  A well thought out conversation need not come across as hysterical and jealous

[greendots]

Why is he turning away from you and towards someone else? You don't "escape" when you are happy. That's something I'd be asking myself.

7 hours ago, redswim30 said:

Now the question you may not like- Taking this woman out of the equation entirely- what is going on with your marriage right now?

This. I'd carefully ponder this question. I'd also consider marriage counseling as Andrina suggested.

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

I figured I get a response like this and of course in type you lose the tone and context of what a conversation would sound like.  Of course in print it looks heavy-handed but it is a basic minimal expectation between two adults and a marriage.  A well thought out conversation need not come across as hysterical and jealous

I’m confused.  I loved what you wrote. I also agreed with you that it’s sad he needs to be told this and set straight.  I agree with you it should be obvious to him. 

[Denise0203]

Definitely red flags.  

17 hours ago, adviceseeker1 said:

- Sometimes he goes in the other room when she calls to talk. He does this for no one else. 
- He mentions her a lot and always just seems happy when he talks about her. 
- Several months ago he actually asked me if I’d be ok with him driving to her and visiting her for a weekend. Just him because he was worried about her and she had some problems she needed to talk about. He claimed he would stay in a hotel. I told him I wasn’t comfortable with that and he got upset at me. 
- On vacation there were times he’s be extra nice to her and cruel to me in the same minute. Example: we were doing dishes and he said to her “thank you so much for helping.” I put more dirty dishes in the sink and he said “you’re really making this more complicated than it should be” (he didn’t like how I put them in the sink 🙄)

  

 

 

[HeartGoesOn]

18 hours ago, adviceseeker1 said:

Several months ago he actually asked me if I’d be ok with him driving to her and visiting her for a weekend. Just him because he was worried about her and she had some problems she needed to talk about. He claimed he would stay in a hotel. I told him I wasn’t comfortable with that and he got upset at me. 

He's doing this right under your nose, while apparently putting up a smokescreen to get you off his back.  After all, he's an adult who knows exactly what he's doing, along with this being his cross to bear.  You shouldn't have to coach him on what to say, or do.

Either way, if he has an ounce of respect for you, instead of playing dumb, he'll step up to the plate.  Hopefully you'll make the right choices.

[MissCanuck]

This is already quite clearly an emotional affair, and he's getting pissy with you because he's got her on a pedestal and he's comparing you against her (with you coming out 2nd to her) 

A "friendship" like this has no place in a marriage. He knows what he is doing, but he's hoping to keep doing it and to get you go along with it. It is incredibly insulting and a major red flag that he wanted to visit her alone, too. These two obviously want to get closer without the wife around. You rained on his parade when you rightfully put the kibosh on that asinine idea. 

There is a lot brewing here between them, and I would absolutely put my foot down. The problem, however, is that he is even doing this to begin with. Somewhere, there are some big cracks in your marriage and he's drifting away from you. So even if he tells her to take hike tomorrow, you're still left with a husband whose heart and mind are not really with you. This young woman is not the problem in and of herself - it's your husband's apparent lack of investment in you and your marriage. That is where the really hard work is going to start. You two need to have an honest conversation about what's happening to you as a couple. 

[Denise0203]

6 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

The problem, however, is that he is even doing this to begin with. Somewhere, there are some big cracks in your marriage and he's drifting away from you. So even if he tells her to take hike tomorrow, you're still left with a husband whose heart and mind are not really with you. This young woman is not the problem in and of herself - it's your husband's apparent lack of investment in you and your marriage. 

EXACTLY RIGHT.

[Jibralta]

On 12/23/2021 at 12:28 AM, adviceseeker1 said:

My feelings of insecurity

I don't think this is insecurity. You have a legitimate concern. What are you going to do about it?

[waffle]

On 12/23/2021 at 12:28 AM, adviceseeker1 said:

My husband and I have been married for 3 years and together for about 10.

<snip>

This friend i mentioned he initially met online years ago in an online game - before I ever met him. This friend does not live in our state but close enough to drive here to visit. She’s in her early 20s and we are 30.

I'm doing the math and this looks bad.  If he was "involved" (for lack of a better word) with her since before you knew him and you've known him 10 years . . . and she's now in her early 20s . . . then let's say they've known each other 11 years, so that makes him 19 and her around 10-11-12-ish.  

Red flags flying all over the place here.

[boltnrun]

"Grooming" comes to mind.

[Lambert]

I agree with a lot of the advice you've been given. 

He knows what he is doing.  Playing dumb is disrespectful and gaslighting you. 

I would actually be very angry about all this.  And would need to have a very real conversation that this doesn't work for me and what I thought our marriage and agreeing to be married meant. 

No husband of mine is going to put me 2nd. So he better think hard about what he wants here because I don't want to continue this way and I won't. 

Part of the vows (if you went traditionally) are to forsake all others and beholding only to you until death you do part. 

That's pretty clear to me. As others said, it's not her. It's him.  He is doing this to you and you should not accept it. 

I'd rather be divorced and open to finding someone that cherishes me; than be the third wheel in my own marriage.