I suspect my husband has a crush… but he doesn’t know it

[Rose Mosse]

17 hours ago, HeartGoesOn said:

You shouldn't have to coach him on what to say, or do.

This particularly stands out to me. And I agree.

No discussion or debate or marriage therapy is going to fix this character flaw he has and as previously mentioned also you've interpreted it as a helper when in actuality it may be because he's has an inferiority complex and needs to feel constantly in control. He speaks to you disrespectfully and appears to have turned his back on the marriage. That's no genuine helper or nice person. What you described only seems to me like a person who needs to be in control. The scenario with the dishes criticizing you like that adds to this.

I don't see what there is left to talk about. His actions are loud and clear. If he is actually this misguided, I think he needs a lot of therapy and self-help to bring himself back down to earth. 

[Rose Mosse]

duplicate post

[Whoeveriam]

Short and not so sweet:

If your husband has not had any type of physical encounter with her, he is headed that way, and wants it.

1.  Set specific boundaries as a writertoabove suggests.  Tell him he can chose to follow your wishes or chose her. That is not unreasonable for a wife to say.

2. Marriage counseling or therapy will be useless unless he wants to fully divorce her from his life, and desires to grow his relationship with you.

3. No excuse he can give is valid. 

[Coily]

Does your husband have any siblings? If not I half wonder if he took on a brotherly role towards her early on and led to the problems now. Clearly he has a long term attachment with this woman from the implications in the first post, though not healthy for the marriage.

That said he seemingly has checked out of your marriage OP, what has changed between the two of you? I have to agree with others who wonder if his feeling of being needed is being played into by her. Some men need to be validated by being a confidant for others, that by no means absolves either of them from the damage done.

[spinstermanquee]

Super great advice from all above, love this site.  I thought of 2 more evaluation techniques that might be helpful:

1) Imagine that the girl is not a person but some kind of activity or object - a video game, a job, an alcoholic beverage 😉 or a corvette.  How would you feel if the activity or object were always around, him showing more concern for it than for you, going off to the side or away for a weekend with it, etc.?  You get the concept.  Takes the female out of the equation and helps you focus on the behavior and its implications.

2) Imagine your relationship is a business and you are partners (please stick with me here).  What is your desired output product, what do each of you invest in the partnership, are you profitable?  Is it equitable?  (Remember, in this business the only shareholders are you two and only you two should be beneficiaries of the output product.)  What are your sunken costs?  Is there a recoverable scenario or is bankruptcy imminent? 

Funny story:  Those are the kinds of questions I started asking myself when I had to tell my 85-year-old father I was going to divorce and I was trying to figure out a way to explain to him without getting into "hubster did, blah blah blah" which would just make him roll his eyes back in his head and pity my spouse, patriarch that he is.  But man, when I told him the ROI wasn't panning out and it was time to dump my shares and get out of the marriage business, he perked right up and connected with me...

Please accept my most sincere wishes that you choose what's right for YOU sister.  <3<3<3