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Almost "roomate" problem - out of control


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Hello again! Thanks a lot for anyone reading this and making time to answer and help me- I really need it.

 

This post involves various relationships and I did not know where to post it. It will probably be moved.

 

I am 27 old (f) and 1,5 year ago I moved out of my college town to a big city(hometown) for work. I moved in with a very good friend of mine in an 2 bedroom apartment I own (its my fathers actually but I get to use it and not rent), to split the bills and support each other in this new beggining (We do the same job). The original plan was to live with my friend for a year (plenty of time for her to find a job, learn the city etc )and then move in with my boyfriend, until he decided not to come to my city and this lead to eventually break up after a 5 year relationship in May. After this I tried a new relationship with another guy but it did not work out.

 

Around May another friend of us came to stay as a guest in the house for a couple of months, to find a job and give entry exams in a dance school (which was her dream). We offered to keep her as a guest until September when her exams would take place, thinking that at summer we would be on vacation and away so it would not be difficult for three people in the house.

Due to covid her exams got postponed and she decided to stay here even more without asking. She stays in the living room, which means the living room (which is the biggest room in the house two) is out of limits. I am forced to be in my bedroom all day. I did not choose this. Her exams will probably be taking place after December (But who knows with covid going on), and she avoids every conversation about leaving.

She does not pays rent of course. Her family has money and she intends on buying her own apartment as soon as she passes her exams. But I cannot continue living like this. I am starting to notice things in her behavior I dont like at all. She gets really upset and almost angry every time someone visits. even though we cannot sit on our couch and I am locked in a small bedroom with my guest she still is annoyed by the guests and shows it by being passive agressive for days. This was the main reason I broke it off with my last love interest. She was annoyed every time he was here, so I stopped him from coming because I could not have this toxic relationship build up every day.

I dont know what to do. She somehow has the whole friend group convinced (myself included in the beggining) that she is need of help and support, that her life is bad etc when in reality she is really lucky for at least being able to be financially supported to do her dream and buy a house and not having to work. My roomate is a very kind person and babies her all day long. She is not annoyed by this (she even cookes fore her so she can practice and be relaxed like ???) I am the only one seeing this? How do I tell her I need her to leave whithout the whole friend group loking at me as a monster?

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The apt is owned by your father? Talk to him about it. Tell him 3 people in a 2 BR is too much wear and tear.

 

Let him send a letter to her, giving her notice to vacate. As a house guest she can be asked to leave at any time, but since you're overly concerned with your friendship group's opinion, a letter from the owner will defuse that.

 

Keep in mind you're not running a homeless shelter. It's unfair to your family/father to use it as that

I own (its my fathers actually but I get to use it and not rent)
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Your father is the one who needs to handle this, if he's the owner.

 

I agree that she sounds unpleasant and as though she's taking advantage of the situation, but somewhere along the way, someone gave her permission to behave like this (whether tactility or explicitly)

 

Did your dad not want to ask her for rent, or?

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It's your place. Both are living there because of you. I'd hold a little meeting and let them know I'm not happy, it's too crowded. And I need some things to change. We need to start thinking and taking about a plan for couch girl to find her own place.

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Your father is the one who needs to handle this, if he's the owner.

 

I agree that she sounds unpleasant and as though she's taking advantage of the situation, but somewhere along the way, someone gave her permission to behave like this (whether tactility or explicitly)

 

Did your dad not want to ask her for rent, or?

 

My dad is upset but understand that it is a very delicate problem and wont do anything that will make it difficult for me.

 

What bothers me the most is that she did not ask to stay more, and that everytime I imply or ask she avoids the whole discussion.

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If she is so well financially supported, what possessed you to invite her to live with you like this? Presumably her parents could have rented something for her. I hope you are learning a hard life lesson here.

 

As a practical matter, December is here, so if her exams go forward, your situation will resolve itself shortly. However, if it doesn't, she fails, whatever, then stop playing games. If you are so afraid to be the bad guy to tell her to leave, then have your dad be the bad guy and tell her to gfto. Then you can wring your hands and tell everyone that you are not in control of what he does as it's his house. It's called the good cop/bad cop approach and it is highly effective. You get to be the nice girl in this "delicate" situation.

 

It's only delicate in your own head. If a friend took advantage of me like that, they'd be gone. Keeping in mind that like attracts like, so not just her but her supporters as well. In your shoes I'd be looking for a new set of friends.

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I would have a talk with the other roommate first. Tell this other roommate they need to be on board and help have an intervention with couch girl. If she refuses, then you tell her that it's your place and there is only room for you and one other person...so that being said who gets to leave? it's either them or couch girl their choice. Or you can announce that everyone gets to leave, and you can have the place to yourself. You need to put your big girl panties on and deal with this firmly and you can't let couch girl avoid you. You can officially send her an email or a written letter that you are evicting her for the following reasons :She already has access to financial help, she has over stayed her welcome without even asking, she has contributed nothing to household, over step her boundaries, and not allowing access to the living room.

 

OR you can have a meeting, and lay out scheduling use of the living room area for other to use. That would mean she would have to leave/go out while you have your guests over. You tell her, she must leave at a certain date, and if it goes beyond that date, she must pay rent.

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She does sound like a rude and overstaying guest but let's look at it from a different perspective. Where is she from? Out of country? How far out of town? If we put ourselves in her shoes, where would she live? Is there alternate housing or does she have family friends close by who can house her? And if so, why hasn't she already gone? She certainly sounds unhappy. Living in someone else's living room would be like pitching a tent in the middle of a outdoor market. Anyone can walk in and invade her privacy and I'm not surprised her nerves are raw from the lack of privacy also.

 

At least you have a bedroom and so does your other roommate. You're both sharing bills but no one is paying rent including you.

 

If it is possible for her to move out, negotiate with her. She doesn't sound happy so how long does she see herself doing this? The situation isn't working for everyone involved. Let her wheels do some turning. She may not be avoiding the situation. She really has nowhere else to go. She may have a plan but is extremely frustrated just as you are.

 

Do you think you can speak with her one on one and see whether you both can come to an understanding? There may be a whole lot less frustration and tension if you're on the same page or both see a light at the end of the tunnel.

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It's only delicate in your own head. If a friend took advantage of me like that, they'd be gone. Keeping in mind that like attracts like, so not just her but her supporters as well. In your shoes I'd be looking for a new set of friends.

 

I second this. There's not a shot in hell that I'd allow my life to be dictated by anyone, and freeloader-girl would get the convo she doesn't want to have: line up another place to go within a week or sooner. Period.

 

Adopting a villain role on occasion can be liberating. Anyone who doesn't like it can hit the highway along with the girl.

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She does sound like a rude and overstaying guest but let's look at it from a different perspective. Where is she from? Out of country? How far out of town? If we put ourselves in her shoes, where would she live? Is there alternate housing or does she have family friends close by who can house her? And if so, why hasn't she already gone? She certainly sounds unhappy. Living in someone else's living room would be like pitching a tent in the middle of a outdoor market. Anyone can walk in and invade her privacy and I'm not surprised her nerves are raw from the lack of privacy also.

 

At least you have a bedroom and so does your other roommate. You're both sharing bills but no one is paying rent including you.

 

If it is possible for her to move out, negotiate with her. She doesn't sound happy so how long does she see herself doing this? The situation isn't working for everyone involved. Let her wheels do some turning. She may not be avoiding the situation. She really has nowhere else to go. She may have a plan but is extremely frustrated just as you are.

 

Do you think you can speak with her one on one and see whether you both can come to an understanding? There may be a whole lot less frustration and tension if you're on the same page or both see a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

We were really good friends before this. We are a group of 5 friends (almost a decade now) and we are like sisters. She is from a smaller town a three hour drive from the city. She does not want to come in arguing with her parents about giving her more money so she can rent (even though they absolutely HAVE money to spend). Its been now 2 months that the dance school is closed and she did not go back at her town to wait for the exams. She has no social life there and does not want to live with her parents. I can understand all this but shouldn't she have asked? If I am ok with this? OR at least offer to pay something? She had a really bad break up almost a year ago and since then she is devastaded and everyone babies her including me. I stopped doing it when I started thinking that there maybe something more in that. I think she is playing victim for some reason but no one sees it. Every time I talked to her she avoids it and I cant pressure it more. I dont want her to go around and say to my other friends that I am kicking her out. I need this to be done in a delicate way. She will make a drama out of this and I cannot be in this situation right now.

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Sooner or later, you're going to have to find out what a "good friend" really is. And the sooner, the better.

 

Hints:

They aren't necessarily the ones that you had fun with in your 20s.

They don't freeload.

They don't take advantage of you.

They don't take sides against you.

They don't gang up on you.

They don't get angry with you for standing up for yourself.

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We were really good friends before this. We are a group of 5 friends (almost a decade now) and we are like sisters. She is from a smaller town a three hour drive from the city. She does not want to come in arguing with her parents about giving her more money so she can rent (even though they absolutely HAVE money to spend). Its been now 2 months that the dance school is closed and she did not go back at her town to wait for the exams. She has no social life there and does not want to live with her parents. I can understand all this but shouldn't she have asked? If I am ok with this? OR at least offer to pay something? She had a really bad break up almost a year ago and since then she is devastaded and everyone babies her including me. I stopped doing it when I started thinking that there maybe something more in that. I think she is playing victim for some reason but no one sees it. Every time I talked to her she avoids it and I cant pressure it more. I dont want her to go around and say to my other friends that I am kicking her out. I need this to be done in a delicate way. She will make a drama out of this and I cannot be in this situation right now.
You're being manipulated... Think about this, she is the offending party. not asking to say. but you're afraid to call her on it.

 

This isn't a good friend.

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You're being manipulated... Think about this, she is the offending party. not asking to say. but you're afraid to call her on it.

 

This isn't a good friend.

 

What I want is HOW to say it. How do I express it without sounding like I am offensive?

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Ask your father to put it in writing, he's the owner. You can't ask her to leave (even though she should) without being confident in your choices and protective of your father's property and using common sense.

 

You can't buy friends or increase your popularity by being a doormat. All you're doing, unfortunately as you've seen, is condoning and fostering disrespect toward you.

 

If your "friends" think you wont be popular or come out smelling like a rose, while practicing common sense house rules, then why do you even want to have these individuals as friends or worry about your popularity with them to this extreme?

What I want is HOW to say it. How do I express it without sounding like I am offensive?
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What I want is HOW to say it. How do I express it without sounding like I am offensive?
I suggest you be honest as possible.... wait till you're alone with her. Ask her if you can talk to her about something that is bothering you.

 

Tell her you feel like she is so unhappy. but you're trying to help her, she's been here much longer than you anticipated. the end date has come and passed, but she just assumed it's ok, but its been hard on you.

 

you want to help her but maybe she should go home.

 

Its gonna be difficult no matter what. be prepared for her to be hurt, but stick to your guns. be as calm as you can.

 

if she says your not a friend or you lose her as a friend, know that she wasn't one to begin with.

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I think there's a way to be diplomatic about the obvious dilemma going on.

 

Sit everyone involved down and have a summit meeting.

You may end up looking like the bad guy but noone can condone someone living for free and at the same time dictating how the house should be run.

 

Maybe due to covid and other circumstances she needs to stay a short time longer. But she needs to know her place, be reminded that she is a guest and those paying her way are being more than generous.

 

Within the first few weeks my 1st roommate had her bf staying 7 nights a week. So basically I didn't know I was getting 2 roommates for the price of one. He was nice enough. It didn't bother me but he never went home.

 

I worked evenings, came in at 11and watched TV (quiet ly) in the living room. I got 'tense talking to' from my roommate the next morning about being more quiet and considerate because her bf had to get up early and he was a light sleeper.

 

I quickly blurted out "The day he starts paying rent here is the day I'll be considerate of his sleep. But between now and then he can go to his Mommy's house and get a good night's rest". The more mature me might phrase that differently today ;)

 

Things were tense for a couple days but she got over out.

 

To be honest there wasn't anything thing to dispute with my reasoning. He was a guest and she knew I worked nights when we agreed to move in.

 

Sometimes in life speaking up for yourself isn't a popularity contest. But the alternative is people will run all over you if you permit it.

 

I'd rather have people respect than like me. Besides people like people who expect to be treated with respect.

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You look upon her with resentment and disdain so if you can neutralize that it might help. "babies" someone is outright disdain for someone. Treat this as you would a business and remain as neutral as possible. That's the only way through the quagmire.

 

I agree also that this isn't a popularity contest and you'll have to find a way to assert yourself and stay calm.

 

I'd open up the conversation asking her how she is doing and avoid any judgments on her living situation currently or the way she has been behaving. Her comments regarding her personal life/break up don't need commentary. I'm sure she knows and your approach on the current situation anyway will be enough.

 

Focus the conversation on the closure of her school and that your apartment living room is no longer available due to constraints of space. Don't reference any resentment towards her not asking for permission from you earlier on. That's ego and disdain again. It's also not a contest about who feels the most emotionally slighted.

 

The issue is not paying or not paying. The space isn't available, period. Just state the facts.

 

The issue is that her school is closed and the living room is not available. Mention the date she has to leave with notice and let her know that the space is not available after that date. Keep it simple.

Edited by Rose Mosse
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