Complicated: emotionally attached but no attraction

[Creamybutter]

Hi, I really need some help here. I’ve had a lot of struggle trying to find guys I connect with and recently I came across one who was a lot like me, we instantly connected (online) and could talk endlessly. We met in person and it all came crashing down as I was turned off by his appearance body language and hygiene. He’s also quite small framed and I feel huge and somewhere that makes me feel less feminine. (No offence to anyone- these are just my issues!)

 

I also didn’t like being touched by him much- especially if there was more than a platonic feel to it. He put his hand on my thigh once and I was hoping he would remove it. Generally I noticed I didn’t enjoy any romantic touch from him. I had no issues hugging him but the thought of kissing him was not even entering my mind. I gave it a few months but nothing changed.... I didn’t want to sit too close or have any contact, yet our conversations feel so deep and connected.

 

He’s a super great guy with all the qualities I admire in a person, and I think he cares about me a lot which is so hard to come by :( I had to tell him that I only see him as a friend and nothing more so he agreed to stay friends And I felt like he understood. But Somewhere I feel he’s still hoping I’ll change my mind and I feel by being his friend, I’m giving him false hope.

 

So do I let him go?

 

Really in a difficult spot.

[Wiseman2]

Honesty is the best policy. Don't string him along. Be kind but tell him you see him as a friend.

 

He can decide from there whether he wants to be friends or just move on

[MissCanuck]

You can't be friends with him, OP.

 

It will make him think he might be able to change your mind. Keep your distance and don't try to maintain a friendship with him.

[Batya33]

"Emotionally attached but no attraction" = friends. Please don't dress up the basics in fancy language to justify sticking around and telling yourself it is "complicated" -it's not but what is complicated is you complicating the situation by dating someone you don't want to kiss. Who cares if he is a super great guy. Are you looking for super great or a good match as a romantic partner?

[Lambert]

When someone has romantic feelings for us and we don't share those feelings. We have to be the stronger person and do the right thing by them. You know what it is like when you like someone. You look for signs and hang on hoping for a relationship.

 

But you don't have those feelings. You won't get hurt. This guy will. You're not real friends. you meet on line for dating.

 

You're being selfish and over inflating your self importance and some good conversation to justify using him for attention.

 

The moment you cringed from his appearance and hygiene, didn't want him touching you and knew you could not kiss him you should have ended it. These feelings don't change.

 

How old are you guys?

[Hollyj]

You need to cut this off-you cannot be friends, due to his feelings. Do the right thing and end this completely.

[melancholy123]

You cant be friends with this guy! Cut him loose and move on. You are being cruel to him.

[Andrina]

No new girl wanting to date him will want to if he's hanging out with another girl he has a crush on. Let him go. The type of male/female friendship you have is meant to have an expiration date for good reason.

[Rose Mosse]

Months? This has gone on too long. It's a bit too one-sided but I'm not sure how it's been able to go on for months.

 

OP, I do have to ask if having a physical relationship with someone is something you're interested in?

 

Did you find each other online or meet perhaps at a time when you weren't ready to get close to anyone or weren't comfortable with yourself in general? Most people generally give it a go for one date to see if there's chemistry, maybe a second one, before deciding whether there's any physical attraction there if physical affection and sex is somewhat on the same level of importance as compatibility in other areas.

 

If he's not doing it for you for any reason, there is no reason to continue communicating or dragging this out.

 

May I also ask if you have a group of friends or even a couple of good friends to spend time with? It sounds like this person has slipped into a friendship-pseudo/fantasy-romance role that isn't matching with what's going on in reality. It's a good idea to have fun with your friends and make sure you have some sexual compatibility or physical attraction to the person you're dating.

[Batya33]

Edited to add to my post -I meant she just has friend feelings for him. She should not keep in contact with him so he can move on and find someone who is into him and thinks he is a great match for her.

[LC8328]

Physical attraction is pretty important in a relationship. Personally, I wouldn't settle and to be honest I would be turned off by his poor hygiene too.

 

It's great that you guys connected online really well. However, as you know, mental compatibility is just one aspect of a relationship. So yeah, I'd just stop seeing him together. Good luck out there.

[Cherylyn]

Since you sense that he's still hoping that you'll change your mind as his friend, I agree, yes, you're giving him false hope.

 

Yes, let him go. This means no contact and make it permanent.

[Hollyj]

Who pays for your outings?

[Creamybutter]

Thanks for the advice. Some replies are a bit rude, “stop being an a hole” really?? I thought this was a place where people could come and ask for advice - not get judged. If you think I’m making a mistake you can tell me in a better way?

 

Anyways, thank you for taking the time.

[reinventmyself]

This a good example of why you shouldn't become attached to someone you talk online to for months. There is something about the annonimity of talking to a stranger for hours. Outside of being able to engage in activities, you fill in those hours with talking and feeling safe to over share. You become attached to someone you've never seen and fill in the unknown with your imagination. Unfortunately it rarely matches reality.

It's similar to reading a good book and then being disappointed with the movie version.

I know because I did it, early online dating. I remember the crushing feeling when he didn't match my fantasy and how guilty I felt about disappointing someone that sight unseen, I had grown so close to. I felt irresponsible.

I never did it again. Lesson learned. It didn't mean I never spoke to anyone in length. (I typically dodn't). But I managed my expectations, and made sure I didn't give anyone the wrong impression again.

[Rose Mosse]

Thanks for the advice. Some replies are a bit rude, “stop being an a hole” really?? I thought this was a place where people could come and ask for advice - not get judged. If you think I’m making a mistake you can tell me in a better way?

 

Anyways, thank you for taking the time.

 

I think you'll feel better once you stop talking with him. This is going nowhere and the expectations are one-sided.

[abitbroken]

Bad hygiene is a dealbreaker to me. If someone has indoor plumbing and is putting their best foot forward and is still smelly and unkempt -- no way.

If there is a strong mental emotional connection some other things I was flexible on when i was single but never that!

[Jibralta]

But Somewhere I feel he’s still hoping I’ll change my mind and I feel by being his friend, I’m giving him false hope.

 

So do I let him go?

 

Personally, I don't think it's your responsibility to manage his choices and/or protect him from consequences. In fact, I think it's somewhat disrespectful to do so. It's almost like saying that he's not an adult, that he can't be trusted to be responsible for himself.

 

Have you been absolutely clear with him that you are only interested in friendship? If so, why do you think he can't be getting as much enjoyment out of the friendship as you are? Are you just a sex object?

 

Are you taking advantage of him? Are you letting him pay for everything? If not, then I don't see what the big deal is. You're not his mom.

[FenixReborn]

If you relate well to each other and have a good friendship, don't end it. Just make sure he understands and respects your boundaries. If he is a good guy who does care for you, then he will be okay with it. You can't control how he feels about you, so there will probably be feelings that linger. Those feelings don't just go away. But if are honest and make it clear where you stand, he'll eventually come to terms with it. Personally, I'd rather continue to be friends with someone I connect with even if there is no hope for more. I'd be more hurt if she stopped talking to me at all and ended the friendship.

[Spawn]

Well time to say goodbyes he needs to move on...you cant be friends until time has passed and zero feelings remain. its in future not now. let him go.

[Batya33]

If you relate well to each other and have a good friendship, don't end it. Just make sure he understands and respects your boundaries. If he is a good guy who does care for you, then he will be okay with it. You can't control how he feels about you, so there will probably be feelings that linger. Those feelings don't just go away. But if are honest and make it clear where you stand, he'll eventually come to terms with it. Personally, I'd rather continue to be friends with someone I connect with even if there is no hope for more. I'd be more hurt if she stopped talking to me at all and ended the friendship.

 

I think two people can't be friends if one person is very attracted to the other person or if he or she still wants to date the other person. Part of being friends is often sharing romantic issues - meaning dating or pursuing other people. Why would a healthy person with strong feelings for another person subject themselves to hearing about the "friend's" interest in someone else?

[FenixReborn]

I think two people can't be friends if one person is very attracted to the other person or if he or she still wants to date the other person. Part of being friends is often sharing romantic issues - meaning dating or pursuing other people. Why would a healthy person with strong feelings for another person subject themselves to hearing about the "friend's" interest in someone else?

 

I understand that perspective and agree it may not be easy or possible depending on the people involved. However, I prefer to have hope that if two people really care for each other and have a deep enough friendship, they can still be friends no matter what. I've met few people in my life I can really relate with and even fewer I connect with on a deeply personal level. With how rare I've found true friendship to be, I try to hold onto that. And I've been the one who likes someone who can't commit. But the friendship and bond we share isn't something I want to lose, even if it never goes to the level I would have liked.

 

As for hearing about the other's romantic interests, maybe the parties just shouldn't broach the topic? Part of the respect each others boundaries thing. If you know the subject is likely to hurt the other, no point in bringing it up.

[Wiseman2]

It will probably fizzle out. Just don't accept more dates. Be honest and kind. That's it. If he doesn't want to stay friends that's fine, but be honest asap.

[Batya33]

I understand that perspective and agree it may not be easy or possible depending on the people involved. However, I prefer to have hope that if two people really care for each other and have a deep enough friendship, they can still be friends no matter what. I've met few people in my life I can really relate with and even fewer I connect with on a deeply personal level. With how rare I've found true friendship to be, I try to hold onto that. And I've been the one who likes someone who can't commit. But the friendship and bond we share isn't something I want to lose, even if it never goes to the level I would have liked.

 

As for hearing about the other's romantic interests, maybe the parties just shouldn't broach the topic? Part of the respect each others boundaries thing. If you know the subject is likely to hurt the other, no point in bringing it up.

 

I don't think they have a deep friendship. And I don't consider it a real friendship at all if the people can't talk about their romantic lives as one of the many topics. Especially if it's because it would hurt the other person. Now for example I avoid talking about my kid too much to friends who don't have kids and really want one - but I don't avoid it entirely just like my friends didn't avoid telling me about marriage plans when I was unhappily single for many years. But if the boundary is that I can't talk at all about my romantic life that's a boundary that would be a dealbreaker for me because then it wouldn't be a real friendship. We can be acquaintances for sure or casual friends but not real friends who really care about each other.

[Creamybutter]

hello...so i have told him very clearly, and he said he wanted to stay friends as it would be sad to lose the connection we had...which i agree with. there is something very sincere and nice between us.

 

Although i guess ive been trying to distance a bit just because i feel like it might be healthier for both of us..

 

He talks about other women but im not sure if its to get a reaction or generally being a friend and sharing stuff....i will never know really!