Boyfriend too busy to visit me in the hospital

[Capricorn3]

Would have been nice to have ALL the relevant information beforehand. It gets confusing when bits and pieces of information keep getting added after the original post.

 

You've been together for four years. Has it been a happy relationship?

[Annia]

I wasn't finding this a big deal (even the video game time I think it's ok) until you said he said right away he won't be able to see you for 2 months too while you're on recovery.

I get that he's on a big career stressful time and that he can't visit you at the hospital but do you want to be with a man that won't even have time for a quick visit (or for you in general) in such a long period of time? It doesn't make him a bad person and I get that he's working hard for his career and that's great but I don't think it'd work for me to be with someone with so little time to date. Unless this is a short term temporary thing but still...

[DanZee]

Two month's recovery? This is a major operation then! He should definitely visit you on the weekend! I don't think he cares.

 

What else does he do? Do you have arguments? Does he treat you poorly? You need to find a boyfriend who care more about you.

[MissCanuck]

Eh, with all the information you keep adding, OP, it's clear he's just not that bothered about you.

[Wiseman2]

You've only been dating a few months and being a martyr is a bad habit that needs to end. That is not the basis of anything healthy. Let him focus on his endeavors and stop being a mother, cheerleader, etc. Fastest way to kill a relationship is acting like that.

I support him with everything he does, go to him sometimes after work just to see him even if I have to sit in long traffic then drive back home. I’ll support him and his dreams even if in the end, we’ll not be together. I just want him to reach his goals.

[itsallgrand]

Well, if you've only been dating a few months and now he's telling you he's not going to be available at all for at least two months, I'd re-evaluate considering him a 'bf'. He's not really available for that.

 

I'd focus on recovery, family, friends, your goals. Try not to over invest - it seems to me you are emotionally leaping ahead to life partner level commitment to someone who can't even handle new bf level dating.

[Wiseman2]

Good luck with your procedure. Dump anyone who tells you "sleeping in" is more important. Pull your self respect together and stop "understanding". Not saying anything for fear of losing this jerk or rocking the boat is a habit to get out of. Never be this desperate.

He told me he’d wanna visit me BUT he’s busy and needs more studying this weekend and sleeping in.

I’m very hurt and upset by this but managed to not say anything as I feel like I need to be more understanding.

[catfeeder]

just got his dream job and is in an intense training program requiring him to train/take classes mon-Friday from 7-5pm. They also have tests and homework everyday. ... if they fail the training, it will stay in their license record and will be let go by the company. Also, he’s an hour away from me.

 

If I flip this around and assume your position instead of his, the last thing I'd want is for a loved on to pretzel himself into a career risking move and 2 hours worth of driving just to show up ... and do WHAT for me?

 

I tend to tackle life's bumps and bruises on my own without expectations of anyone else. Then, if someone steps in to offer some thoughtfulness, it's a surprise that means the world to me. But it's my lack of expectations that always raise such gestures to such a joy.

 

I plowed through my last major surgery with an inspiring feeling that it will be life changing for me. This kept me optimistic and encouraged throughout my healing process. So ask yourself why you'd want to set yourself for misery instead of focusing on your own job to heal and enjoy expanding your life beyond this time? If BF never steps up to see you during your healing, you might be inspired to move beyond him, but to fix your focus on HIS limitations is derailing your own healing process at the gate. That's on you, not him.

 

Head high, and best wishes for a fabulous recovery.

[yatsue]

I would definitely reconsider this relationship, since you are having major surgery and your boyfriend wants to cop out of supporting you AT ALL for two whole months to play video games/oversleep. He is showing you major red flags. I just broke up with my gaming addicted boyfriend, and I can see now your boyfriend is just at the start of not having good priorities.

 

For me, that hurdle really hit after my father physically/verbally abused me and I went to my boyfriend for help/support...he gave half hearted sympathy for about a half hour, and then said "sorry, I have to get back to playing this video game". It took almost four years to realize how messed up his priorities are. Never again, I say! I suggest not to wait until I did. Find a better man, not a boy attached to his toys.

[Pleasedonot5]

Wait, he said he won't be able to visit you after the surgery either? Like you won't see each other at all? Maybe he is being a tad inconsiderate... At best it's aromantic.

[tattoobunnie]

Before my husband and I got married, he would literally drive through winter storms, 3 hours one way to see me for the weekend. I could care less that he has work and homework. You are having invasive hardcore surgery with two months to recover. I wouldn't count on this guy as the one!

[IAmFCA]

If I flip this around and assume your position instead of his, the last thing I'd want is for a loved on to pretzel himself into a career risking move and 2 hours worth of driving just to show up ... and do WHAT for me?

 

I tend to tackle life's bumps and bruises on my own without expectations of anyone else. Then, if someone steps in to offer some thoughtfulness, it's a surprise that means the world to me. But it's my lack of expectations that always raise such gestures to such a joy.

 

I plowed through my last major surgery with an inspiring feeling that it will be life changing for me. This kept me optimistic and encouraged throughout my healing process. So ask yourself why you'd want to set yourself for misery instead of focusing on your own job to heal and enjoy expanding your life beyond this time? If BF never steps up to see you during your healing, you might be inspired to move beyond him, but to fix your focus on HIS limitations is derailing your own healing process at the gate. That's on you, not him.

 

Head high, and best wishes for a fabulous recovery.

 

Emphatically, this^^^.

 

Also - I suggest you consider, no matter your situation:

 

(1) It is okay not to want your bf anymore. It may challenge some assumptions that have become comfortable, and it may take some getting used to, but its okay. In fact, it is not only your right but your responsibility to choose what is best for you. Nobody else can do that for you; you must choose for yourself someone who is a good fit for you.

 

(2) Both people can be right and not right for each other.

 

(3) Almost always, it is better to break up sooner rather than later.

 

(4) Almost always, it is better to eliminate the noise, whatever the noise is, that disturbs the peace of pursuing the path that is uniquely yours.

 

 

Thinking of the above guideposts, I am not going to pass judgment on your bf. Whatever his reasons are, they are his choices to make. Accept him as he is, and find peace in that.

 

Do what is necessary for you - FOR YOU. Deal with your relationship status some other day; if ever. The right course will show itself as you pursue your health, your interests, your goals.

[BecxyRex]

Hm, so to be honest, as a mother of a toddler, I'd kill to be able to sleep in one day and if I had the opportunity to do so one day a week, I'd let nothing come in between that sleep and me. Well, yes I would, my closest ones are the exception, but probably not a guy I've been dating for a few months. It's easy to forget the value of a nice sleep-in.

 

What bugs me is the fact that he won't be able to see you at all for 2 months straight. You said you'll be in hospital for a few days, correct? And afterwards you'll be at home recovering for 2 months until you can return to work? Do you have anyone helping you to lift stuff etc?

[katrina1980]

This is going to sound a bit cynical but his thought process may be this:

 

You’re having surgery and no doubt unable to have sex. After the surgery, you will be recovering for two months, therefore no sex.

 

So in his mind, he's thinking why should I (meaning he) make the effort to visit her when there will obviously be no sex?? He'd rather spend his time sleeping and playing video games.

 

This could be just one explanation, there may be others, but no matter, the guy doesn’t give a rat’s a**, that’s pretty clear.

 

But nevermind him, he’s not worth the energy even discussing this, NEXT.

 

Focus on your surgery, your recovery and your own health.

 

TAKE CARE OF YOU!!

 

Edit: If the guy was genuinely "busy" like in a medical residency program or another extremely strenuous and exhausting program to enhance his career, I would understand, or try to.

 

But when his "too busy" includes sleeping in and playing video games, for two months? Um, just no, that's a bona fide dealbreaker in my book.

[superfan]

I would dump him. You're having major surgery and will be spending 2 months trying to recover. The needing to study I understand, but prioritising playing video games over at least one visit???

 

Walk away. Not worth it.

[SoulTaker]

This is going to sound a bit cynical but his thought process may be this:

 

You’re having surgery and no doubt unable to have sex. After the surgery, you will be recovering for two months, therefore no sex.

 

So in his mind, he's thinking why should I (meaning he) make the effort to visit her when there will obviously be no sex?? He'd rather spend his time sleeping and playing video games.

 

This could be just one explanation, there may be others, but no matter, the guy doesn’t give a rat’s a**, that’s pretty clear.

 

But nevermind him, he’s not worth the energy even discussing this, NEXT.

 

Focus on your surgery, your recovery and your own health.

 

TAKE CARE OF YOU!!

 

Edit: If the guy was genuinely "busy" like in a medical residency program or another extremely strenuous and exhausting program to enhance his career, I would understand, or try to.

 

But when his "too busy" includes sleeping in and playing video games, for two months? Um, just no, that's a bona fide dealbreaker in my book.

 

Bingo. Op, what he's really saying is that he isn't going to waste time on you, if he can't get what's important to him, and you know what that is. Either, this is a sexual hookup for him, or he's lost his interest in you. If this is not what you're looking for in a man, then move on.

[reinventmyself]

Two exceptional situations. Him, in an intense course that is very demanding.

You, a major surgery and 2 months of recuperation.

 

You are willing to support him in any way, but he can't be bothered.

I'd cut him lose.

 

Hope your surgery goes well.

[Annia]

You've only been dating a few months and being a martyr is a bad habit that needs to end. That is not the basis of anything healthy. Let him focus on his endeavors and stop being a mother, cheerleader, etc. Fastest way to kill a relationship is acting like that.

 

I'd agree with you had he not tell her right away that he won't visit her ever (not ever find a little time) to visit her during these 2 months of recovery. It shows that she has a very low position in his priorities. Not to visit her at the hospital because of his career and wanting to take a day off to unwind? That's perfectly fine for me and I wouldn't be mad and I totally understand him being stressed and working hard for his goals (I commend that)... but not seeing his girlfriend for 2 months while she's on recovery? If he can't invest on giving her one or two hours in his schedule in two months (regardless of his career goals), then what makes her think he's at the right time and place to invest a relationship right now?

 

This for me is valid weather in the beginning stages of the relationship or with years under their belt. Unless she's imagining they're at the boyfriend and girlfriend stage and for him she's just a hook up in the beginning stages.

[katrina1980]

The more I think about his "too busy" excuses (sleeping and playing video games) the more I think he may actually want OP to end it.

 

I mean those excuses are just flat out insulting - that your own boyfriend would prefer to sleep and play video games rather than visit his own gf for a few hours (in two months' time) to cheer her up, bring a smile to her face.

 

I really think his goal by telling her these things was hoping that she would end it; any woman with even an ounce of self respect and self esteem would!

 

I mean sleeping in and playing video games? Come on now, what man who wanted to continue dating his girlfriend would ever tell her this? I mean that's just asking to be dumped.

 

HE's done and wants her to know it without having to be straight about it.

 

That's my take and if it were me, I would do just that!

[Jibralta]

I mean those excuses are just flat out insulting - that your own boyfriend would prefer to sleep and play video games rather than visit his own gf for a few hours (in two months' time) to cheer her up, bring a smile to her face.

 

Agreed. Who wants a boyfriend/husband like that?

[Annia]

The more I think about his "too busy" excuses (sleeping and playing video games) the more I think he may actually want OP to end it.

 

I mean those excuses are just flat out insulting - that your own boyfriend would prefer to sleep and play video games rather than visit his own gf for a few hours (in two months' time) to cheer her up, bring a smile to her face.

 

I really think his goal by telling her these things was hoping that she would end it; any woman with even an ounce of self respect and self esteem would!

 

I mean sleeping in and playing video games? Come on now, what man who wanted to continue dating his girlfriend would ever tell her this? I mean that's just asking to be dumped.

 

HE's done and wants her to know it without having to be straight about it.

 

That's my take and if it were me, I would do just that!

 

I agree, him wanting to take a day to sleep in and unwind with video games and preferring not to visit her at the hospital is one thing... but a man telling straight up that he won't be able to visit his recovering girlfriend for WHOLE 2 MONTHS? It doesn't matter if they've been in a relationship for months or for years...that's a man asking to be broken up with. Probably he doesn't want to feel guilty (besides you're on recovery from a cirurgy and he would feel like the bad guy by clearly breaking up now), so is detaching like this and using the career thing as a motive. And if his motives are honest (the career), then it means that he's not at a stage of his relationship where he can date or make the effort to date.

 

Just realise that you can't count on with this man and surround yourself by your family and friends. Have a nice recovery!

[IAmFCA]

I agree, him wanting to take a day to sleep in and unwind with video games and preferring not to visit her at the hospital is one thing... but a man telling straight up that he won't be able to visit his recovering girlfriend for WHOLE 2 MONTHS? It doesn't matter if they've been in a relationship for months or for years...that's a man asking to be broken up with. Probably he doesn't want to feel guilty (besides you're on recovery from a cirurgy and he would feel like the bad guy by clearly breaking up now), so is detaching like this and using the career thing as a motive. And if his motives are honest (the career), then it means that he's not at a stage of his relationship where he can date or make the effort to date.

 

Just realise that you can't count on with this man and surround yourself by your family and friends. Have a nice recovery!

 

He sounds extraordinarily passive and avoidant and therefore is likely he wont say what needs to be said.

 

Another option is she could be hearing his words in a more black and white fashion than he intends.

 

It interests me that it doesn't really matter. The actions (no time together) and the results (her needs aren't met) are clear. For illustration: He could love her to bits (he doesn't) and his manner of expressing it falls well short of what she needs, and what she needs does not concern him.

 

Given that we could assume good things about him and still get to the same conclusion that her needs are not and will not be met, the analysis of him is irrelevant.

 

She needs herself and her energy so that she can resilient and recover from surgery and from her attachment to a distant figure which, unsurprisingly, also is an avoidant choice.

[j.man]

Frankly, there's no reason for either of you to be going out of your ways to the extent you'd likely need to in order to foster a healthy relationship during this time. I don't see him giving you excuses. I see him telling you how it is from his side, being perhaps excessively straight forward about it. I'm not sure if he actually wants out or if he's kinda just fine with the hiatus until he's finished his intensive training and you've recovered. Pick the poison you're more comfortable swallowing. I think for any of us to take an educated stab at it would require some details on how these three months between you two have gone.

 

At the end of the day, he's not wrong for asserting his time to unwind in light of the very reasonably supported weight his dream job and sanity have over a brand new relationship. You wouldn't be wrong if you didn't want to hang out in the wings for two months.

[katrina1980]

@j.man, I agree with you that his behavior is not "wrong." I don't recall reading anyone saying it was wrong.

 

What it does refect is that he's not all that invested or worse flat out doesn't give a ****. Not that he should be all that invested after four months but some level of caring at this point is a reasonable expectation.

 

As many of us have said, winding time down is terrific, I need it and I'm not even in an intense training program!

 

But to announce he's "too busy" for the next *two months* because he wants to sleep and play video games is just insulting. I mean at least keep it open depending on how he feels, there may be a weekend when his load is lighter and he could visit her then.

 

His "too busy for two months" announcement sounded calculated, I mean who the hell knows how they will be feeling during the next two months?

 

I dunno, actions and all that.

 

But yeah agree he's not "wrong" and he was honest. His level of caring is just very low (and he wants OP to know that) and if OP expects more, best to either lower her expectations (or better yet not have any at all) or walk away.

[figureitout23]

To add to what Kat is saying, I would argue after 4 months the relationship should still be in the honeymoon period. They aren’t just dating, if after 4 months they were on date 7 and she needed surgery, but he had to study, ok I can see him not coming, but once you enter relationship land and it still being shiny and new one should WANT to see that other person. This is the time to put your best foot forward.

 

I personally think the way he’s acting is wrong because he’s being a coward, clearly this isn’t an evenly yolked relationship, but he’s not ending it, he probably enjoys the sex and attention she’s giving him but him seeing it long term? With the way he’s acting? Doubtful.