Jump to content


Platinum Member
  • Posts

  • Joined

Everything posted by Pleasedonot5

  1. Hey, OP. I do think it is important to empathize with your partner's awful situation. I have family members taking care of loved ones with dementia: it is an emotionally taxing time-commitment to say the least. Dementia is a progressively degenerative disease from which people may suffer for years on end. If your partner is his mother's primary caregiver, he may be indisposed and unable to see you for a large amount of time. Definitely give it a few weeks before doing anything - and see if you can adapt to this. Offer to be there for your partner. Check in and see how he is doing often. See if there is a way you can visit and support him instead of him visiting you. My last note is that if none of that works, you do have basic relationship needs, OP. Given these circumstances (long-distance, time commitments, his inability to visit you), you could be stuck/trapped in a relationship that will not work for you for an indeterminate amount of time. If you feel miserable and you are unable to make it work (see above), you two might consider splitting for now in a way that is not cruel or heartless. E.g., you could offer to be there for him if he needs a friend for support/to talk (and mean it). That way, he would be able to focus on his poor mom without the pressure of being in a long-distance relationship with you. -- Hope this helps. Sending virtual hugs to you and your S/O.
  2. Hey, OP. Sorry you are dealing with this. Being together with him without a committed relationship as you are right now is causing you to suffer. If you are confident that you two would not run into the same problems in a committed relationship, then make that you want a relationship known. Otherwise, if you think that you would fall into the same patterns, then you should ask for space from him and go no contact, so you can heal. You could tell him that you are open to reconciliation down the road, but only after you both have worked on the habits that led to the relationship's downfall. How was the relationship difficult? Have you worked on the ways you contributed to that difficulty? Has he? -- Hope this helps.
  3. Hey OP. I think @LootieTootie nailed it right on the head in that last reply. I am not sure if Australia is different, but I find it odd that you are invited to the church ceremony but not the wedding reception. Provided, however, that this set-up would not be weird if R was only having a few close friends/family at her reception. This situation you have found yourself in vicariously causes me dissonance/discomfort, lol. You have barely kept in touch with R; you were then a guest at the ceremony (ok fine); then a guest at the bachelorette party (seems kind of strange considering you are not close but ok); and now you are actively planning the bachelorette party (eek!). Talk about scope-creep! You have a couple of options: You could come up with an excuse for not attending, such as the aforementioned "work trip." You could explain to R / the bachelorette group that you did not expect to be contributing this much financially and so you can only bring items XYZ You could just buy some cheap items (but be opposed to needing to buy more) and just have fun at the bachelorette party. Oh, and buy the penis straws if you want. It is pretty clear that Viv is wrong - considering what Cat and R themselves have told you. You could let Viv know that this is what Cat and R have said if you do not want to trigger Viv. Other than that penis straw annoyance, I do not think the situation with Viv is that alarming, without more. You said she "had a go" at you in her (public) reply to your light-hearted penis straws comment. What did she say in her reply? The message that she sent to you was looking out for you, albeit in a blunt or candid way. Viv is probably under a lot of stress as she is planning a lot. She is probably indeed a bit of a "duck" too (my preferred animal insult lol), but she did try to give you a heads-up about one of R's triggers. Wouldn't it suck to intend to do something nice for R but then you send R into a panicky spiral lol. Viv's comments probably should not hold as much weight here - people can be rude (read: can be ducks!) sometimes. Whatever. As other posters have said, though, you should feel disconcerted about the awkwardness of being so involved (now financially) in a wedding for an acquaintance who has not even invited you to the whole event.
  4. Oh, that is awful. I am sorry OP. You not only had to deal with the loss but also the guilt of causing it. But, it is over. The situation happened (past tense). Your pet is at peace. You should forgive yourself. This is a very "human" scenario that could happen to anyone. Additionally, you can take active steps so that this awful experience will not happen again. For example, you could resolve to avoid letting small pets out when you are upset. Or, you could resolve to let them out using those hamster ball tools. Or, you could plan to take some other precaution. If you continue to experience these ruminations, you could look into EMDR therapy. EMDR very effectively took the power and pain away from the trauma that one of my family members was experiencing.
  5. Anxiety / Brain Fog The Fruit Fly Menace III: Revenge of the PDN5 I called the landlord this afternoon and asked to speak to A, as she has taken care of me since the start of my tenancy. I explained the following, near verbatim except said more casually: Hi , A, I am dealing with a problem in my apartment and I think I need management’s help. I am a well-behaved tenant. I am clean and organized: I am very "type A," as you know, and keep the apartment in tip-top shape –- as the lease requires. I clean pretty regularly. Not too long ago fruit flies entered my apartment through no fault of my own. I have taken reasonable steps to deal with the nuisance (traps, deep clean of apartment) but they persist. I fear they may be coming in through a hole in the apartment or via an adjoining tenant (as our ventilation is stacked in the bathroom -- maybe they could be entering this way). Are there ways that management can help me resolve this issue without charging me $500? I did not consent to the fruit flies entering my apartment and I do not think they entered by my fault. She said she understood that it was not my fault. She is a tenant here too and had fruit flies one year - and it was not her fault either. She said that fruit flies are tricky. But, if I heard her correctly, she said that management would not charge me. (If I misheard, oh well, not like I can stop it anyway at this point). So much for my anxious "legal rights and duties"-centric brain. Lol. A will call the exterminator that the management company uses and see what options are available, then she will call me back. Exercise. I was right about needing a "destination." Something about having a gym to go to which is two miles away has increased my motivation. Since I had been sporadically working out over the past few months, my initial few workouts did not put me out of commission for a few days this time (that usually happens when I go back to the gym for the first time in a while: I typically default to my intense cross country / track-and-field workouts. Then, I overexert myself the first week. I am glad that did not happen this time). I have gone to the gym in the evenings consistently since 7/25. I have done cardio for an average of 1.5 miles per visit. I did chest/triceps, back/biceps, abs, and shoulders/some triceps over the last few days. I feel so sore, but it is satisfying. I can feel some of my analytical brain coming back. The clearer I feel, the more I seem to respond in "active" voice (subject-verb-object) and succinct sentences. And, my posts become more outlined and organized.
  6. Awesome! Dancing is so fun. If I come across any videos I will have to share. I do very much enjoy that couple I linked who dances bachata sensual. I have picked up bachata, salsa, merengue, and parts of cumbia from social dancing over the last few years - unfortunately in my ballroom club we rarely focused on these dances, since they were not tested in competitions. I really would like to learn more moves / techniques in those types of dances: they are the dances most commonly played at Latin social dancing clubs. -- I live in a temperate climate. It is summer here now; they seem to be at their worst in the summer months. I think I have had enough of these fruit flies. I am doing legal work for my university's legal office. My supervising attorney there (without giving me actual legal advice) recommended I just call the landlord. She said I would be surprised at how reasonable landlords can be when they are dealing with nice and reasonable tenants. I would like to think that that is me. Either way, if they charge me $500, I think I am willing to live with that - it hurts since I am living off of money I have saved up over the last few years, but it does not break the bank. I cannot live like this anymore - and I feel like I have taken all reasonable steps on my own to deal with the pests. I think my strategy is that I will not give too many details. I will mention that I am clean and organized and keep the apartment in tip-top shape. I will mention that not too long ago (this stretches the truth but I cannot say I have been dealing with them for months based on my lease) fruit flies entered my apartment through no fault of my own. I have taken reasonable steps to deal with the nuisance (traps, deep clean of apartment) but they persist. I fear they may be coming in through a defect in the apartment or via an adjoining tenant (as our ventilation is stacked in the bathroom - they could enter this way). I plan to do this over the phone with my favorite management person, A (she looks out for me), and take note of the important details of the conversation.
  7. Yeah. πŸ˜• The moment that sticks out most in my mind is this one: Maybe she was worried about me going in for a kiss (like I said, I was not going to do that - but maybe I was too affectionate). Either way, I think that is most revealing of her interest level in me. She may just be trying to "get back out there" after her relationship had ended. I am a fun guy to go dancing with, and we were able to be flirty. My overall feeling is that she does have interest in me (making a future a possibility) but the interest level is not high enough at this time.
  8. Oh my goodness! Their footwork is awesome. Someday, I will be this good. I might steal a move or two from this couple. I did not know you danced! Bachata is so fun. Thank you. Yes, they must be clinging to the tiniest crumb or food source. I cannot for the life of me figure out (1) how they are getting in, or (2) on what they are sustaining themselves. I do not have fruit in my apartment at the moment - but I have read that in a pinch they will find any organic food source, even mold/mildew. So, I have tried to deep clean the apartment. I have seen a reduction in fruit fly activity, but they are far from gone. They are centered around three places in my apartment. the kitchen (possible attractions are the drain, coffeemaker, and miscellaneous crumbs) the bathroom (possible attractions are mold/mildew), and my bedroom (possible attractions include a sporadic crumb or two - this one is most baffling). For (1), I have repeatedly cleaned (bleach, baking soda and vinegar, and boiling water treatments) and blocked entry to the drain/garbage disposal, cleaned the counters, sink, coffeemaker, toaster, etc. and set out five traps. For (2), I have at least twice deep cleaned the entire bathroom with bleach and warm water treatments. I eradicated hidden mold in my shower, toiled, and even some light pink mold on the ceiling I had not seen before. I have one trap in the bathroom. For (3), I have vacuumed everywhere, including under the bed and behind a bookshelf, kept food items out of the bedroom trash can, thrown out an old tempurpedic mattress pad. I have three traps in my bedroom. This one, as I said, still baffles me.
  9. I appreciated those stats (and other U.K. solicitor advice you cited earlier, too)! I agree that the decision is OP's to make and that he should not go against his strong inner convictions just to stay in a relationship. When you put it like that - good point. However, if OP has met the woman of his dreams -- he has said in this thread that he wants to be with his partner forever -- and there are mental blocks which keep OP from being logically ok with marriage, then I think it is good to show that the worries / blocks can be resolved. OP has identified three main worries/principles with regard to why he is worried about marriage. Conclusion: I do not want to marry. Supporting Principle 1: I do not want the legal or financial risks associated with marriage. Supporting Principle 2: I am libertarian; I do not like government involvement in my life. Supporting Principle 3: People do not need to marry to be together; it is not much different than living together in a relationship. (1) is solved with a prenup (in a way similar to the cohabitation agreement - also, people have pointed out that being co mortgagors presents similar legal and financial risks, so OP is applying this worry inconsistently). (2) is inconsistently applied by the OP. A mortgage agreement, though the bank is the mortgagee, will be legally enforceable in a U.K. court sitting in equity (i.e., the government). (3) is true, but could also be used to support the conclusion that "I should marry because my partner wants it and it will not change much." @greendots pointed this out. So if there are ways around the worries, it comes down to this: -- I'll end with agreeing that if this is not logical (most people are not vulcans) but rather a deep internal conviction, then no logic of mine would or should change OP's mind. In that case, he should stand firm on those convictions and not marry to appease - this would probably lead to resentment/a failed relationship down the line. I appreciate the productive back and forth. πŸ™‚
  10. This is true, LaHermes. But the government's courts will give teeth to the agreement, just as they would to marriage. [I made a slight edit to the wording of my last post to more aptly capture what I meant]. I recognize the OP has views against the institution of marriage, but I also do not want to see OP's relationship fail. If OP's partner wants marriage, the OP is at a crossroads: one of those two items (relationship or intention to marry) will have to budge. So, I am trying to persuade OP that there are ways to alleviate his worries without casting away the institution of marriage entirely. My attempt is similar in my mind to that I do not want children for reasons that I think it is morally wrong to bring a being to life when I know that it will suffer. Someone could point out that adopting, fostering, or becoming a stepfather would alleviate my worry without casting away the concept of children entirely.
  11. I recognize there are different viewpoints on this... But if you're totally willing to sign a cohabitation agreement to mitigate the risks of splitting up during the course of the mortgage, why would you not consider a prenuptial agreement to mitigate the risks of splitting up during the course of a marriage? It just doesn't make sense to me why that has not crossed your mind. As people pointed out, cosigning a mortgage is legally binding in U.K. courts, just as a marriage would be. To try to downplay the magnitude of one of these two commitments would be to grasp at straws. There is value in questioning societal customs. No, people do not have to marry just because everyone else does it. Marriage is not necessarily the final stage of a relationship. People do not have to have children, either (I do not want children). But, here, your perspective may result in the end of a fulfilling relationship, and thus immense loss. You should know that before deciding. In other words, "being a libertarian" is fine and not wanting to marry is fine. Not wanting to marry while your partner wants to marry means she leaves you. If she wants to marry, speaking candidly, you will have to decide between her and being contrarian/libertarian. -- Hope this helps.
  12. I respectfully disagree - strongly - with this sentiment. The unfortunate reality is that one could be "all in" to a marriage - and then it does not work out. That is true of marriages in the U.S., about half of which end in divorce; in the U.K. the divorce rate is lower but still staggeringly high. A prenuptial agreement is therefore a prudent safeguard even if one thinks they are prepared to be with their partner for the rest of their life. Not every jurisdiction follows a marital property doctrine: I do not think the U.K. recognizes marital or community property. That would be bad, but that is a generalization that prenuptial agreements are to be avoided based on one prenuptial scheme in a set of circumstances that probably do not apply here. If OP's partner thinks that what-if is plausible then she probably should not sign a prenup with that scheme. -- I mean no disrespect to you - I am just challenging your rebuttal of my advice.
  13. Hey, OP. I think you made the right decision, OP, after failing at moderation the first time. Some science shows that quitting addictions or habits cold turkey is more effective than trying to partake in moderation. The study pertains to smoking, but it may be applicable in your case too. Accordingly, any drink you have moving forward would be a step in the wrong direction. Stay the course; keep it up. I am glad to hear you are seeing a therapist and recently started antidepressant medication. Hopefully, that helps. I too struggle with anxiety. My physician put me on the medication buspirone as a long-term anti-anxiety medication. It has made a world of difference. -- Hope this helps.
  14. Hey, OP. Myriad people share your financial concerns. A wedding that is tens of thousands of dollars is not the only option. Have a small wedding (with or without a reception), or just go get married at the courthouse. Find a way to determine what type of wedding your partner would be okay with and go from there. Look into prenuptial agreements. Essentially you can agree beforehand what happens in the case of divorce or separation. I think you probably could find a way to ensure that in the event you two split, all financials are restored to status quo ante, property is partitioned fairly, that sort of thing. The difference is she does not leave you. You might have to choose what is more important: her or your contrarianism. Maybe this is not the hill to die on. -- Hope this helps.
  15. Hey, OP. Sorry you are having relationship doubts and struggling with the decision of whether to break up with your partner. I think this is problematic - and you bear some culpability for this. In a healthy relationship, partners tell one another when they have an issue. How is your partner going to have the opportunity to fix what she does not know bothers you? I think you should try communicating before you decide to break up. Your heart is still in this relationship - your brain says, "no," but - logically speaking - you have not taken actions which might make you feel better. I recommend you: Explain politely but directly to her that her plan to move without consulting you hurt you, and you wish she would tell you about major life decisions. Tell her what needs of yours are not being met. Then, you two can discuss what could help. Tell her also that you are concerned that she is off her medication/treatment plan, because [examples of mania/depression here] - if you can find a way to do so tactfully. I am surprised her doctor told her to discontinue couples counseling. That is not a doctor-like recommendation. Sorry, OP. This is unlikely. No matter how kindly you break up, you will not likely be friends down the road. -- Hope this helps.
  16. Hey, OP. It is normal to appreciate a good booty. Some people also have fetishes, kinks - this is also probably fine. What is not normal is this: I'm assuming at least one of those situations was in public? Eek. That screams creepy to me.
  17. OP, thanks for your reply. I understand you think it is unlikely that you will get back together. That is probably true, practically speaking. However, that has little bearing on your path forward. If you want to reconcile under certain conditions, I think it would be counterintuitive to keep that to yourself. Apologize for the wounded outburst if you haven't already. Accept her apology for blocking you on social media (that she apologized and unblocked you makes me think she is struggling too). Mention that you need space (i.e., no contact) from her to heal and work on yourself, but that you are open to talking about getting back together if she ever wants to talk about that. Then, I recommend going into no contact mode, unfollowing her on social media, changing her name in your phone to "Patience, EitherDare0," and continuing to move on. Doing this, you put everyone on the same page with regard to your intentions. You leave the ball in the ex's court - there is no "what if I did more." You also get the benefit of out of sight, out of mind, which helps healing. And using this strategy, you know you tried your best. I struggled moving on from an ex, call her E, for years. She slept with a friend and close associate of mine shortly after we broke up, and that felt like a betrayal at the time. We might have gotten back together, if it weren't for all the complicated emotions surrounding that situation. After the years passed by, I was still grieving. My pride/anger prevented me from seeing that I still wanted her and that relationship. I sent a letter in 2019 that did not blame and did not pout, but openly stated my feelings for her and desire to reconcile. I am proud of that letter: I think it was dignified and respectable. She never responded. As time went on, I realized silence was my answer. But hey, after sending the letter, I knew I tried my best and made my intentions known. She did not want to reconcile (when I sent the letter, I thought she was still with a boyfriend - turns out later I found out they had broken up and she was single at the time - still no response). There were no more what ifs. Understanding that I did all I could do, the dreams decreased in number and potency. The thought of that relationship sometimes stings. But only just stings, nothing more. I think finally giving my best showing (then staying NC, of course) gave me the closure I needed / never received in any other way. -- Other last-minute notes: Yeah, dreams are rough. The most painful dreams I had of E were either deeply symbolic (e.g., being together in a burning house), or sometimes us just talking and laughing. I think the latter type hurt worse. People need to think before making major decisions, such as whether to break up with a partner. I would not call a failure to disclose / act out all relationship doubts a lie. I agree: it does seem like the distance played a pivotal role in her decision to end the relationship. -- Hope this helps.
  18. The dreams are really rough, OP. They can mess with you for whole days at a time... I'm sorry you are going through that. This relationship clearly left an impression on you. Now, it is over and you are dealing with immense loss. The dreams are one way that loss manifests. Of course, this hurts because someone you love has been lost: she has chosen to leave you. This feeling of loss is unavoidable, and it is the type of loss that heals "in time." When people die, their loved ones grieve. Break-up loss is similar. Either way, it takes some time but healing from this type of loss will happen. There are reasons that people hold onto lost relationships in ways that significantly delay the healing. A few I can think of off of the top of my head are that (1) you still see a possible future with them, i.e., this does not seem like the end of your "story" (most times the break-up is the end of the story), (2) you feel like they were your "best" and it is difficult to see finding a good relationship again (this is usually false), (3) you do not understand the reasons why the relationship ended, or (4) you feel guilty for having made a mistake or misstep in the relationship, which contributed to its end. In my experience, some of the reasons above relate to knowing the reasons she chose to leave you. Were you being a jerk? Were you clingy? Did she have needs you were not meeting? Is there something in the relationship you were not doing that she wants in a partner? Is she freaked out by close, loving relationships for some reason? Was she thinking your relationship was doomed because you were soon to be long-distance? What do you think, OP? Did she tell you the reasons? Or, can you infer reasons (ones that are better than that she has some sort of pathology)? If the reasons happen to be those within your control, then perhaps you can fix them (if that is something you want to do). That helps to find closure - and, if you want reconciliation, this would be a crucial step. Moving forward, are you open to reconciliation? Is that what you want? Or, are you totally against the idea? Do not do this. Talk to your friends and family. Thinking "I do not want to burden them" is a mental fiction. Most people understand that others go through hard times. And people like being there for their friends and family, generally speaking. If there are no friends in whom you feel comfortable confiding, then see a therapist. Several universities in the U.S. have free counseling, even for members of the general public. If therapy otherwise would be too expensive, then you can check out one of those programs. Of course, if all else fails, you are welcome to post/vent here. Hey, silver lining is you are getting matches on dating apps! I am not bad-looking by any means (I have no issue with women in person), but I almost never get a match/response on those apps/sites. So, you are doing something right. That said, slow down. You are not ready to date yet, as you are not over your ex. There is no rush: there will still be compatible matches for you when you have healed and moved on.
  19. OP: You said that you are planning on leaving this job soon. There probably is no company policy against team members getting together outside of working hours. You are not a team leader, so you would not get in trouble like the other team leader did for drinking, etc. with subordinates. You have little desire to drink, do drugs, or party like crazy, so I am not sure over what you think you would get in trouble. Therefore, I doubt your workplace would discipline you over this. I infer that this is social anxiety (which, in my not-at-all qualified opinion, you have) trying to persuade you to self-isolate. Your brain is essentially rationalizing a "I can't screw up if I have nothing to screw up" mentality. I recommended (again) that you see a physician and have them screen you for (social) anxiety. Hope this helps.
  20. So, I mostly had fun over the last couple of days. Anxiety and Brain Fog Exercise. Just my luck, I signed up for a gym membership intending to go to there immediately and the place was temporarily closed for a few days. However, I ran two miles and danced for hours on 7/24. Today, 7/25, the gym reopened. In the evening, when I was done with events for the day, I went to the Planet Fitness for the first time. For the price I am paying, it really is a bargain. There are plenty of amenities: lots of equipment, cleaning stations, and actually very few people. I ran two miles on the treadmill: ~14:30 total time, then did a chest and triceps workout. It was great to get back into an actual gym! Anecdote/good memory: as I finished my run, my area was hit with a severe weather / possible tornado alert. The rain was coming down at a sharp diagonal and in droves. A few of us in the gym gathered around to watch for a minute. After a brief silence in the conversation, I asked, "so, anyone want to go for a run...?" The others laughed. That was a nice moment. The awful weather subsided just as my workout was finishing. The Fruit Fly Menace II. My new traps have caught dozens of the little buggers. And, as mentioned in a previous entry, the apartment has been thoroughly cleaned. I am being careful not to allow for any new potential breeding grounds (i.e., not throwing food in the trash, running the garbage disposal regularly, that sort of thing). That said, though they are reduced in number, they are still here. I am wondering if there is some important area I am missing or have overlooked. Relationship-Related K and Friday Night. Previously, after my last thread regarding K, I resolved to give a little time and not put so much emphasis on any "moment." I was (and am) not sure about her level of interest in me. I recollected that I find that a potential romantic partner's lack of interest in me is a major turnoff. It might sound obvious, but to many who end up "friendzoned," it is not obvious. I do not often find myself in the "friendzone," because I typically have no desire to be with someone who is not interested in me. "The one" will see me as a potential romantic partner; and those who do not are not "the one." I think myself more adept at determining interest when in person (rather than at a distance), so I resolved to go with the flow. I knew I would see K at an upcoming social dancing event (August 6), and I planned to see if the chemistry was still there and if she was showing interest. If it felt right I would ask her for drinks, dancing, or some other date. If she did not show interest, I would not. Well, on Thursday, she (pleasantly πŸ™‚) interrupted my go with the flow plan: she invited me to go with her for a meal and social dancing on Friday evening/night. I said yes. We determined where we would be going for food, and then Friday came and we went. I paid for the meal; it was around $30. We had solid conversation this time around. Then, we went dancing: we danced with each other a lot but others too (this is normal for a social dance event). Overall, I would call the night a success: I had fun, and, any way you cut it, I have better information now. Factors possibly indicating interest: She asked only me out for the meal. We were amply flirty with one another. (Lots of innuendos, teasing - once she kissed my hand because I had cut / bandaged it; that sort of thing). We complimented one other's looks on occasion. We seemed to gravitate toward one another throughout the night. When the dances had ended, she waited for me to walk out. She said she would stay with me because I was a little tipsy from the wine I had brought. [Unfortunately - I like the guy - but another guy from the club stayed and spoke with us]. I could be wrong but it felt like more than politeness, but rather a desire to stay and chat for a bit. Factors possibly indicating lack of interest: Though she invited only me for the meal, she did invite another few (guy) members of the club to the social dancing. She could just have wanted a "group." It is fun to dance with a variety of people. During a fairly "sensual" type of dance called bachata, she moved closer, embracing me in sort of an arms-over-the-shoulder hug type of way. I moved closer, moving my arms to a sort of more sensual embrace as well. But, then she moved away and joked about it, like "this is too much haha" or something like that; she did the same with a particular swaying/"grindy" move which looks kind of like this. So, that was fine, we just danced the bachata in other ways lol. [That said, toward the end of the night, she said she was okay with the move; she even flirted to see if I could "keep my composure" lol]. After the aforementioned end-of-the-night conversation between K, a guy from the club, and me, I said I had to get home. The guy left, and K and I got into our cars, which were right next to one another. She looked at me for a moment, and then I motioned for us to go back out. We gave a few-seconds-long hug, but after that few seconds she seemed to move away (as a person would if someone were going in for a kiss and the person did not want it - I was not going in for a kiss though). When I texted her the next day that "Hey, thanks for inviting me out yesterday. I had fun. πŸ™‚" she just replied "Thank you for coming out." Other notable information: She did explicitly mention she was still grieving while we were at dinner. She and her ex-boyfriend broke up a matter of weeks ago, so this makes sense. My overall take: There is still at least some level of interest between her and me. She thinks I am fun, and she flirted with me a lot. That said, she is grieving her most recent relationship. Additionally, some of the things I mentioned above (and just my gut feeling) say the interest level is not at its peak / exceptionally high. Moving forward: I think it is best not to be overenthusiastic. I paid for dinner and brought wine for the both of us (for the dance event - not the meal. I did not present the as a romantic gesture but more of a BYOB let's have fun dancing, you're free!! gesture. I regularly bring cabernet for the ballroom group but this time I brought cabernet and an inexpensive pink moscato). I was flirty, and for what it is worth I showed interest in her. She may need time to heal, clear her head, and determine what she wants. There is a possible future, but I am not going to rush it / be overenthusiastic about it. Back to going with the flow, I think. πŸ™‚ FWB. My friend was receptive when I spoke with her about feeling like just a booty call. She wanted to make efforts so that I do not feel that way - we discussed plainly what would help. One of those items was that we would do one of the things I like sexually soon. Tonight, I tried to start a fun conversation, and she played along for like fifteen minutes, but around 9:45 p.m. she mentioned she was tired so she was going to go to sleep in in ten minutes or so. She apologized (and eventually with several messages) and then she herself pointed out that this probably did not help considering our last conversation. [I think she is right]. I told her that yes, it was a let-down; but, in fairness, I had not asked what she had going on that night. This is more of a "venting" paragraph -- it can sting when a conversation like that stops abruptly. I think I behaved appropriately; but, yes, this was frustrating.
  21. Thank you for your reply. Yes, I like that you share my affinity for organized posts!! I agree: though I will put in effort to improve the organization and the university where I can (see my "no" vote on a Board-level tuition recommendation), doing things like debating about whether Israel should exist is not productive - and their one-hour questioning of a way to facilitate electronic public comment was a little much. I have been in student government associations before (my undergraduate and graduate study). Though there was sometimes a clash of personalities, interpersonal conflict, and inexperience, overall there was usually a way forward: there were structures in place for people to make a meaningful difference. I have been elected to the new group and there are no such structures; unfortunately, this group is not receptive, generally, to fixes of this nature. I am glad you found your person. πŸ™‚ That is what I want too. I want someone compatible whom, eventually, I can marry. A passionate love life with a spouse sounds amazing, lol. The FWB is something fun in the meantime while I keep my eyes open for a significant other. I have had FWBs in the past that blurred the line between FWB and a relationship, but this one is clearly in the "FWB" category, which is good. And, it does not take up a solid portion of time (that I could be using to go on dates, for instance), because we do not see each other all too often. I would say this interaction is in the category of fun for now. In regard to your last question, "K" and I recently went out for a meal and social dancing (she invited me out)! I have mixed feelings about how it went, but I had a lot of fun. Your post on my last thread about this topic was very helpful: I have followed a substantial portion of that advice. πŸ™‚ I will likely discuss the night out with K in my next entry.
  22. Haha, yes. Fruit flies are very helpful for scientific research. Unfortunately, they make terrible cotenants. None of them pay rent and they keep trying to room with me! I'll have them evicted yet! Thank you! Yes, I am that way too. My future spouse will benefit: I will happily be the one to clean up after dinner, etc. It is a nice way to contribute - but also, if I clean it, I know it will be clean. So, it works! Awesome! boltnrun and PDN5, keeping toaster manufacturers in business since 2021.
  23. Hey, OP. Why don't you tell him you love him next time you are in person? You say you think he will not react well, but you have very little on which to base that (your sole justification is the amount of time you have been together). Some facts point to the opposite conclusion. He said when you are in person, it will probably happen pretty fast. It sounds like you guys do not spend a ton of time in person, so he has not found the right moment. However, I do not know why you have to suppress your feelings and wait on the guy. It is 2021. Feminism and all that jazz. You are not helpless and you do not need to hide your feelings and then grow resentful. Take the initiative. The worst that happens is he doesn't say it back, and then you can go from there. But he will probably say it back. Important anecdotes for you, OP. In my (I am 26 M) last two relationships, my then girlfriends said I love you first. It was very sweet and my heart melted. I said it right back. -- Hope this helps.
  24. Hey, OP. Sorry you are dealing with this. From what you wrote, it seems like you are just trying to move on, not reconcile. What are your feelings on reconciliation, OP? Why did you two break up? These background details may help us help you. In either case, one thing I learned is that there is no "too long" when it comes to healing after a break-up. Even if we do all of the right things -- and of course those things help -- some relationships stick with us for a while. It took me several years to get over my penultimate relationship. If I saw that ex-girlfriend today, I cannot promise that it would not throw me for a loop for a few hours to a day. You must allow yourself to feel this. It is okay: it is just something that will happen until it does not anymore. Let yourself feel sad for a bit, dust yourself off, and then get back out there. Hope this helps.
  25. Good - that is a solid mindset. I am that way too. I wake up, have my caffeine, get ready for the day. I might be mildly annoyed, too, if I deviated from that routine (before my intake of caffeine). I am glad that you have seemingly framed it in the right way: these are little difficulties, kind of cute ones if you think about it. But if you respectfully decline, get up, and continue getting ready instead of entertaining her (probably tempting) advances, I think you will be fine. I am not sure how early you wake up... but when my most recent ex-gf stayed over and I had work in the morning, it was always so early so she was way too conked out to make advances. Props to your gf for having all of that energy if it is indeed early in the morning, lol.
  • Create New...