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yatsue

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yatsue last won the day on November 11 2018

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  1. This sounds like a really difficult situation for you. I feel for you. It is really hard to live with someone who hurt you so badly and to be continually hurt time and again due to close quarters. There is no mistake that her cheating is undeniably wrong. However, I would be careful not to react to her defensiveness. True narcisism is very rare. It is more likely she knows what she has done is wrong and feels extreme guilt over it, so she puts those negative feelings onto you to make herself feel better as a form of mental protection. It doesn't make it right to do that to you. There is no need to be mean and make you feel bad like this. Understand this is a natural defense when people feel attacked. She clearly feels under attack and is on the defense, which makes you understandably defensive as well. My question to ask yourself is: what do you want? Clearly you want to be away from her, but there are obstacles in the way. So, what would you rather: to use any means to get away or to be open/honest/rebuild some kind of functional cohabitating relationship with her? I don't necesssrily mean rebuild a romantic relationship, unless if that's what you truly want. I mean to come to some kind of understanding in order to live more peacefully together. You are doing a disservice to yourself and her by just blindly apologizing without meaning it. Be honest with your feelings. Tell her what you said here; that you feel hurt from the cheating on you and that perhaps you may not have been perfect in the relationship and apologize for hurting her feelings regarding that and want to talk about it. That you are continually hurt by getting all the blame placed solely on you, despite recognizing you had a part to play before the cheating, which the cheating is not your fault but the breakdown of communication you recognize has a part to play. It takes two to make a relationship to work. Talk about how you each feel what lead to the breakdown of the relationship. Keep in mind you should not be blamed, as a victim of being cheated on. It is likely before she cheated, she didn't communicate issues that led up to it. Again, the cheating is not your fault, but owning a part of the responsibility of the breakdown of communication in the relationship leads to a more functional dialogue to help repair a relationship (friendship, romantic, or otherwise). You don't need to get back together or anything if you don't want to, but talking in a more functional manner promotes healing. You need to heal and she needs to heal from this. It is therapeutic and I recommend it if you feel like you can do so. You deserve to feel better about the situation. I hope this makes sense. There is a lot you guys need to talk about that is not mentioned here in order to repair the damage towards a more functional conversation. It is going to be hard. Blaming each other will not lead to a better understanding. Seeing how each of you had a part in the breakdown of communciation will. Expressing what specifically is hurting you will help her realize just that and if she cares about you then she will want to stop doing that to you and may accept responsibility. She did break your trust and wrongly cheated on you, however being open with your heart on how this hurt you and how you recognize and want to understand her side will help her be more honest with you to have a better conversation. I probably butchered this, but please either consult a therapist in order to cope with this properly or do some self care by reading self help books. I recommend listening to the Psychology in Seattle podcast, which has greatly helped me and perhaps it will help you. Surely it will explain the psychology behind people's behaviors more effectively than I can, since I'm still learning myself. I'm sorry for your hurt and I hope you take good care of yourself!
  2. Then you'll have to try the other things mentioned. There's no set amount for everyone and it's unfortunately a process of trial/error you'll have to keep experimenting with.
  3. Alright, that helps, except for the last two values because there's no way those last two units are in mmol/L: In order, your results are: -Good -Good (I assume this is referencing total cholesterol) -Low (HDL or "good cholesterol" should on average be above 1.3 mmol/L for women) -Good -Good -Not Available (however, it is good if the units are in umol/L) -Not Available (also good if the units are in mL/min/1.73m2) You can improve your HDL by eating more healthy fats (such as avocados or almonds), exercising, and avoiding hydrogenated/partially hydrogenated oils in food. Not to worry too much though. Your doctor may not even say anything about this, since your total cholesterol is in a good range still.
  4. I don't believe we are referencing the same point. You said: I am not sure what sites you're referencing, but I am American and have reported our patient laboratory results in metric units (I work at a lab), as well as received my own results in metric units, which Canada also uses. When it comes down to lab results, Americans and Canadians both use the metric system since we are dealing with very small units, which the American units cannot account for. Hence, Americans would not use our own units for this purpose in the first place and I highly doubt the sites you found are in American units, but are in metric units and just in a different decimal unit prefix, such as "milli-" versus "micro-". There is also more than one metric unit to report the same result, in some cases. I have not yet reported anything in ounces or gallons (or other US unit) in regards to the portion of the result for volume, so I would use liters. Just as an example. Besides, the American units of measurement are far too big to report the typically small values for most lab tests anyway. Otherwise, I am glad your results are improving and you aren't as worried anymore. If you do not care about where your other results fall anymore, after discovering the highlighted indicator for outstanding results, then enjoy the improvement on your health! In the future, usually you can convert any unit of measurement to whatever range you find on the internet if you don't want to wait for a doctor and have your results, along with the units, handy. Good luck!
  5. Of course. My point is "American" versus "Canadian" values don't matter when referencing units of measurement. Metric units are a unit of measurement. Americans use the metric system often in healthcare. It is the specific units that matter. For example, microliters (uL) are much different (as in smaller units) than milliliters (mL) but are still units of measurement for volume, often reported out by American and Canadian healthcare laboratories. The difference is, the numerical value will be very different in a report, depending on which unit is used.
  6. Can you insert the units after the original numbers you posted? They're nearly useless if the units aren't there; it's a guess on the precise units at that point. American versus Canadian results make no difference. Canadians tend to use the metric system while Americans opt to use their own units of measurement, but when it comes to healthcare they often report results such as this in metric units.
  7. Thanks for the kind words :) I did have some good news about my work; I'll be due for a few raises and a promotion soon. I'm looking forward to that. My good friend/new roommate and I have a lot of fun stuff planned for our place as well. While I do feel sad, deep down I am glad I won't have to deal with this worrying person anymore. If he will entertain other women behind my back, despite claiming he wants "only" me to my face, then they can have him. He's their problem now. With everything that's happened, while unfortunate and unnecessary, I learned my limits for sure. It's not something I want to look for in my future relationships - the bad parts. The good parts - the way I felt in person with our rapport - I will take away as that I can find that one person who will be much more honorable, nice, genuine, loyal, etc. I can't believe it was so hard for me to not see all of the lies he was telling me. I took his words at face value, until I was proven time and again in his actions how he really was. Blue, I wouldn't mind at all if you would share your thoughts about him. It would serve as a reminder to who I'm dealing with.
  8. Better late than never, but here's a response update if anyone is still looking at this: FIO, for all intents and purposes we were vocal about dating since February. Still short, but I digress. He called them from the very beginning as dates, told his family, his friends, and my own friends we've been dating since February without my prompting. I know my thoughts have been everywhere in my confusion, although I was never clear to him I was thinking about opening it. I said to him at a much later time I was open to the idea of an open relationship at first, but it quickly died after the lie. He said he never knew since I didn't say anything. I had discussed this with other men before him, but that is as far as it went; a fantasy, if you will. So he wasn't the one who first piqued my interest in that regard. He said he didn't care for monogamy or not, that he just wanted to be with me. For me, the idea was in thought only so far. However, I did consider after he asked me to be his gf that we were technically not exclusive because I usually ask for it separately when I want to. This time I did not since I was unsure if I wanted to be. Quickly that concept changed after the lie and we officially established exclusivity soon after the official label. Before he asked me to be his gf, he asked me multiple times if I wanted to be serious with him and I responded I wanted to wait until I knew him more. He said he wanted to be serious with me. Once he asked me to be his gf, he said (and in writing) he decided to be monogamous to me, didn't want anyone else, and he messed up shortly after. I excused the behavior because I didn't ask for exclusivity so soon since I was still undecided if I wanted it, whereas in previous relationships I always had specified. After the incident, I made darn sure to ask if he wanted an open relationship in general and he was adamant he only wanted me. He didn't want anyone else. I was extremely blunt, I said I wanted him to be completely honest and he replied he wanted just one person - me. If this was not the case, I wouldn't have stayed for sure. I just don't see your view I guilted him into a relationship at all, and I've tried to entertain the possibility if I thought maybe I unknowingly did. It doesn't fit the situation at all. Now if he clearly stated he was non-monogamous and wanted to be in a relationship where he can see other people as well, then yes I can see how your POV can start to apply, however this wasn't the case. Perhaps the confusion is due to all of my muddled thoughts, plus I had a hard time recalling details. I never pushed for a label or exclusivity. The latter was verbalized after he asked for a label, after that incident. He even said he was surprised I agreed to be his gf when he asked since I said I just wanted to keep dating so far at that time. I've had multiple dates and people who wanted to date/be in a relationship with me, so no I don't want to date anyone who will have me. Although, I did fall for him already and stopped dating others since I lost interest. Too bad I fell for the wrong person. Anyway, I've had a lot going on; way too much besides this in my life. That day from my last post didn't go quite as planned. I eventually did manage to break up with him and cut ties. It's been some time now. The break became drawn out, where he had a really hard time. He tried to convince me to stay. He admitted he loves me, that I don't know how much he cares for me. He thought therapy would be good for him and his friends encouraged him to get help as they think he needs it. He would pay out of pocket for himself. BTW, I entertained going to couples therapy because it would be free for us to go, so I thought it could only help at the time. He kept holding onto me, hugging me, not letting me give him his stuff back. Also, he kept making me look at his face, since it was hard for me to break up and keep a calm face. He said he would sever ties with his female friends, if it would help fix things. He would do anything to keep me because he said I am worth it, either by serenading me with his guitar outside my window or being by my side as much as he possibly could. He wants to talk it out in order to work out the issues. It was the works. I told him he was starting to make me depressed from all this, and he broke down sobbing. He apologized and said he was trying to keep it together. He thought he was doing well, until he heard that. He struggled with depression/suicide in the past and stated he could empathize; he didn't want anyone to feel that way, not even his worst enemy. Much less someone he really cared about. He had no choice then, than to let me go if that's the case. We ran out of time due to my job commitments and postponed until a later time. We met up again. I said he had to go, and he knew what I meant. Again, he just started holding me, trying to convince me to stay, he's tried really hard, and that I didn't see all of the changes he's made when I wasn't around to witness it. It was too late. He asked to remain friends and didn't want a clean break, even though I did. He knew that once I break up with a boyfriend or former lover I don't communicate with them ever again. I told him he wouldn't ever be a friend to me and it would make it harder for us if we were. He quickly admitted the proposition was just to eventually get me back in a relationship with him; that he found the person for him and it felt wrong to end it. He said he'll always be here for me, to let him know if I ever change my mind, and he's glad he met me. We tried to part and I was trying to keep it together. Noticing, he chuckled I could take it back. I stayed firm. He then asked if I could call him in a month to tell him if I still didn't want to be together. I responded with "What would change?" It was met with no answer. He said he needed water, then quickly bolted to the bathroom and closed the door behind him. I heard him gagging. When he came out I, concerned, asked if he was ok. Again, no response, except stating he loves me and gave me one last hug goodbye. He rushed out really quickly with his stuff finally. I felt terrible, still do. I always wanted to see him happy. It tore me up inside to know I invoked such a reaction. I don't feel well. I teeter from knowing I made the right decision, to just wanting to see him again. It's so hard, especially knowing he'd have me back anytime. I have to keep remembering all of the beautiful lies he told me, just so he could keep me in a relationship with him. That day plays back in my mind, haunting me. He'll never be the person I need, despite his efforts. I need to find the person I don't want to change, when I'm ready in time. I went to counseling this week and it was underwhelming. Of course it was only the first meet, but our next session isn't until October. It's too infrequent. I don't feel as bad as I did before, but I feel so sad all of the time and have to force myself to keep doing things. I know I have to keep strong. I've told my closest friends everything and they support my decision. I possibly found a new counselor, so I'm seeing where that goes. In the meantime, I'm still waiting to feel better.
  9. I don't for today. Everyone is busy at work or too far away at the moment. I feel really nervous I'll get cold feet. His new roommate may be home. I have work tonight as well. I have to head over soon and am getting a little teary.
  10. Thank you blue. As always, you pose questions that continue to make me ponder. Most of them, I do not have an answer to. As much and as long as I've thought about this relationship, even to the point where the persistent thoughts plagued me enough to just want to make it stop, I still need to look inside my own head. That's the hard part I need to unravel. I wish I could find one healthy relationship, but that is hard when you don't really know what one looks like. I am curious, have you found one like that? Right now, I know I do not want to find a partner until I have figured out myself first and become settled. Sure, I may still flirt and such. I'm not dead. I just want to be me for now, until I am ready to find a special person to build a life with. I can't fathom that will be soon. In time I hope to find the answers to your questions. I need to be well again and I will make sure of it. I need to find that zest for life again, without my anxieties getting in the way. I hope this, or another therapist can guide me on the journey to be a better me, who can then search for a great life partner. I truly look forward to it. I don't want to feel tired anymore. Now, I am awaiting for my boyfriend to get back to me in order to meet hopefully this morning. He wants to meet for breakfast, but I plan to try to meet first at his place and do the deed there. I believe he is going to see his family today in the neighboring state, which I think he would find comfort in afterwards. I'm not sure though. He doesn't like communicating to me, other than in person, so I haven't heard a peep from him since Monday until I proposed a meet. It makes me feel like I'm not a part of his life this way, and creates distance for me. Maybe he thinks something is up? Hence the delay. It is making me nervous he will cancel or something. We're supposed to go to an event tomorrow, which I don't want to attend under such circumstances. I feel myself a little shaky right now. I'm trying to work on my breathing to help calm myself.
  11. True. You're absolutely right. I guess when I see him so happy it makes me happy because it reminds me of the good times we've had together. To want more and make more of those good times. I haven't been listening to my head, for much too long at this point. I'm glad your situation worked out for you in the end. I'm actively dealing with the fallout this relationship has caused, such as consulting my lawyer about contesting my ticket for a reduced citation/getting points off my license, living with a good friend who helps friends when in need (I'm so glad I have an amazing friend like her!), dealing with my health under the advisory of my doctor, and of course looking forward to my date in therapy. When I list that out, it feels surreal how much this relationship has affected me, meanwhile my bf is saying I've been overreacting and making my struggle sound worse than it actually is. I haven't told him everything, but he still should not belittle my situation. So, I'm determined this morning to do right by me and will see him. I have gathered all of his things he left at my place. I figure if I make it fast like pulling off a band aid, he should just passively accept the break and I will no longer be pulled by my heartstrings.
  12. Thank you all for the replies. It helps. I do need more from a partner. It's funny and also sad, that I immediately wash the clothes he leaves behind, just so I can return them to him when I finally feel like I've done enough. I've done this for a while now. More than once, I prepare for a clean break up, but then I see his face and how happy he is to see me. How loving he is when we meet once again...it's gonna be hard. I am at a loss on how to do it. How? It never feels right. How he makes me feel in the moment, especially that one, all my worries melt away and I just want to feel that way forever.
  13. I do remember what it felt like when I was single. I felt much better. I originally made the therapy appointment for me. It is still made out for only me, but I can have him join. I've never had therapy before and didn't know what to expect. Once I get into a relationship and become invested, I feel compelled to try to do everything I can do to help it. I want to do right for someone I care about. Once all avenues feel depleted, that's when I concede. Otherwise, it feels like I haven't tried hard enough. I do have a strong fear of failure, much to my own demise I realize. I do have feelings for this person and I don't want to squander a relationship, is the line of thinking. I was talking to my best friend, who I've come to the conclusion it is likely due to my parents. To cut it short, I learned how to have a relationship by observing theirs, which isn't the best. I allowed myself to have feelings for a person I shouldn't have feelings for. Before I realized it, it was too late. I saw red flags, but the question that haunts me: "what if"? What if I was wrong? It doesn't seem like I was now. I wanted to give it a chance because it is hard to know when is enough and when to try.
  14. Forgive me for the blob of text. I know this is a lot of it, but I'm needing a lot of help now. Some of it is to vent my anxiety and figure out my thoughts. I started dating my boyfriend in February. We hit it off from day one. In person we could talk forever. I have so much joy in just his presence, due to his strange wit and humor similar to myself. I also find him very endearing with his mannerisms and affections towards me. He says he melts when he sees me, and it shows. I developed feelings for him and am compelled to be committed/loyal to only him, to a flaw. He meets my top love languages, which are quality time and physical affection (frequent touches, massages, not just sex). They're important to me and it's part of what draws me to him. I just love being with him as a person. I am moving far away well into next year and he plans to go with me, leaving his friends, family, and current job behind to look for a new job starting in February. Before we were mutually sexually exclusive in our relationship, he lied to me/avoided questions about the details towards a FWB he had, who was positive for a couple of concerning STDs that I could have possibly contracted. We talked it out and tried to move forward. I've forgiven him, but will not forget. My trust in him was damaged, but he is determined to get it back. It went fairly well, until he started showing more red flags. He has problematic drinking habits. He drinks moderately, but I learned he forgets (blacks out?) more often than I'm comfortable with. He would forget things I said (a couple were important) and even forgot having sex with me once, but recalled it later in a sort of blur. I raised my concerns and I learned quite a few disheartening things, to put it lightly. He's a serial cheater, who has poor impulse control when drinking and sleeping with women. He said he sleeps with women to feed his ego; it was his own insecurity and acknowledged it was not due to me. All of the female friends he's ever had and I found out apparently still has, he has slept with. I met a couple of them. One of them is a self proclaimed lesbian and has a girlfriend, who she cheated on with him. He said he and she really regretted it. This makes me so uncomfortable and come to terrible conclusions. Either she is bisexual, or he may have sexually predatory behavior. He invites his friends, female ones included, to his apartment and bartends for everyone. I have been to a few of these house parties. Everyone gets drunk, until past 2 AM. This happened before I knew. I can only imagine how he gets women into bed with him, even the ones who aren't admittedly attracted to his gender... He did not want to talk. He kept threatening to leave my apartment when trying to discuss possible boundaries to set while he maintains his friendships. He said he wanted to never talk about it ever again (so no rain check), theyre not topics he wants to talk about with me, to just forget about it and wishes I was ignorant while he tries to not "do those things". At first, I tried to address my concerns, then he wanted me to come up with solutions to them, which I obliged. I tried to come up with a few, such as him monitoring his drinking, putting good boundaries in place with his friends, and ultimately going to therapy himself. He didn't end up controlling his drinking fairly well (still got slightly drunk after our conversation), but said he did reduce his intake overall. He did not want to go to therapy. He didn't believe in it, his ego doesn't want it, and him going may affect his job security clearance (doubtful to me). I told him I will not tolerate cheating since we have agreed to a monogamous relationship and he has a lot of indicators he will without actively working on it; that I will break up with him if he does as a hard boundary. I also stated him drinking at his place with female friends he's been intimate with, as well as staying overnight, is completely inappropriate, especially with his proclivities. He's done this at least once without me there, that I know of, which prompted my response to it. Which brings me to have another concern. I am going to be moving in with my longtime female friend, who I trust completely and know is a true loyal friend. I wonder if it would be irresponsible of me to bring him into her life, with such impulsivity. One of my other longtime friend's husband sexually assaulted me in my sleep, with her in the next room over where they were supposed to be sleeping together in. It makes me wonder if he'll do the same. I hate thinking this way. I feel obligated to protect my friend, and to protect myself. I have not been well. Medically and emotionally. I have learned I have BV, which is sexually associated but not labeled a STI. My doctor said it's possible I could have acquired it initially when he was sleeping with other people and myself. I noticed symptoms started right around the time he revealed he was sleeping with others/the STD scare mentioned previously. I then developed oral thrush from the antibiotics. So that's been really hard to deal with physically, even now. He said he's been faithful since. Emotionally, my anxiety has been the worst it's ever been in my life. It may be a mix of my bf being the catalyst, since he's so close to me, in addition to a history of previous anxiety/past trauma. I've been getting panic attacks and they're scaring me. I can't breathe, it feels like I'm literally suffocating in the midst of one. That's happened a few times, which I've never experienced before. I called my bf once they kept coming on and he helped by just being there. Another time I almost had one at work and contacted a crisis line. I've noticed my anxiety has been significantly affecting my driving. One time I almost crashed from getting lost in anxiety ridden thoughts. Last week, I received my first ever speeding ticket. While not an excuse, I wasn't paying attention to my speed, again from anxiety. The officer said I could have been arrested for it in the neighboring state. I almost had a panic attack and he asked if I needed an ambulance. It took all of the willpower in me not to plead out to help save me. This is out of character for me. I didn't have a driving record before. I never used to speed above 80 mph on the highway ever. I'm afraid to drive now. I've seriously debated calling my mom to come down from way out of state to help drive me to work since my anxiety increases most times while driving, or at work. I had to call a counselor to make it home safely that day. I see myself deteriorating and I'm afraid. I sleep more just so I can keep out the persistent negative thoughts. My crotch is on fire and reminds me constantly of what happened. I want to feel better again. I want us to be better again. My bf agreed to couples counseling eventually. I initially made the appointment for me for the earliest I could get (next month) since my first panic attack. Now he wants to come with me to the first appointment as a compromise (the counselor does couples therapy too) and see where it goes. He mentioned getting "even" by going to counseling (or wants me to sleep with someone else to even the odds), to help make me feel better, says this is the hardest relationship he's been in (which puzzles me because I've only calmly talked to him and have remained calm while in his presence so far, while he had a gf who kicked him in the balls, tried to overdose on meds and was sent to the hospital before as a teenager), and I'm overreacting. I don't think I am. So now I am just trying to keep it together until our appointment. It is hard. I have been calling counselors via phone to help in the meantime, and it has some. Mostly with the panic attacks through breathing techniques and talking through all of this. One said my anxiety is my body's natural reaction to danger; that I'm trying to protect myself. I am rethinking if I am even fit to be in a relationship right now. Next month feels so far away. However, I want us to work. I just am so confused. I cannot think right anymore. My mind is a mess. Every time I see him, I desperately want to keep that magic we have in person and not break up. I can't do it. It's when I'm away, I'm having a hard time. Now he questions if my feelings are the same as his and asked me what he thought love meant to me, and if our definitions between liking versus loving someone are the same, then we can say the latter. What does this mean? I said I do love him for different reasons and under the definition I gave, but he won't say it back and instead reiterates he really likes me. I feel unloved every time he does now. I wish our appointment date would come sooner.
  15. I talked to a counselor about a similar situation. She said it is completely fine for a partner to be friends with people they used to be intimate with, as long as healthy boundaries are set in place and maintained. It would appear this guy has set a boundary with this woman, which is to not see her in the manner she presented him with. As mentioned previously, you have no say in who he chooses to be friends with. However, once you talk about becoming mutually official/exclusive, you do have a say in what you are/aren't comfortable with and what boundaries you both want to establish. Once you two talk it out, then you can determine if you can live with the outcome, or not. If not, either you won't get together, or he may have to make a choice between the friendship or a relationship with you. I wouldn't count on the latter though. No one is wrong here. This is a conflict of boundaries; you are right to uphold yours while he is in the right to uphold his. I hope this helps.
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