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Pleasedonot5

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  1. Oh, God. Mental health episodes aside, she... (1) (a) prostituted herself (b) in a way which involved unprotected sex, in violation of your relationship boundaries (this is cheating), then initially lied about it, even though it affected your health, (2) gave you two STDs, (3) lied to you about planning to meet up with a male pimp (this is attempted cheating), in violation of your relationship's boundaries, (4) is described by her former friend as cheating on you constantly. The circumstances described in your wife's former friend's heads-up to you are harmonious with your wife's past behavior (described above). Additionally, it would take way more gall/insidiousness for her former friend to completely make up a defamatory accusation than it would be for her to simply tell the truth to caution you. Therefore, I think it is more likely than not that what you know about your wife's cheating is just the tip of the iceberg, (5) manipulated you against seeking divorce (a sensible decision given the above) by threatening suicide. One cannot say "I'm not manipulating you, buuuuut..." to avoid the fact that they are manipulating you. Seek a local divorce attorney and file for divorce. Then, seek counseling to determine why you let this marriage get so out of control. There are plenty of women out there who will cook for you, treat you, be sweet, and have ample sex with you who also do not cheat, give you STDs, lie to you about it, and threaten suicide when you make an adverse decision. Hope this helps. Best of luck, OP.
  2. OP, It is worth noting that you have an advantage here. You know that something isn't right, so you are in a prime position to work on and fix the issue. I agree with the others who mentioned that you should see a therapist and physician for help with those ruminations and distressing physiological symptoms. I guess my only other add is that the worst thing that happens -- let's say your jealous feelings really are indicative of a true threat to the relationship -- is that he leaves you. It has been only three weeks of dating. That would be disappointing and bruise your ego, perhaps, but the world usually does not end as a result of those kinds of happenings. So, that in mind...what is at the root of this, what are you so afraid of? I hope this helps.
  3. Hi OP, Those waiting lines sound absolutely dreadful. I am sorry you are dealing with that. "Universal" healthcare systems in some countries use "queuing" (long lines) to keep costs down, and surely you are a victim of those cost containment measures where you live. In my country (U.S.), healthcare is almost instantaneous by comparison but way more cost prohibitive. I like the system here better, but I guess that is because it is the proverbial "devil I know." I am curious: what are the symptoms of your mental health issues? I have generalized anxiety disorder (GAD). I have been prescribed a variety of treatments in the past, from xanax generics, talk therapy, and antidepressants. Therapy was almost always a net positive, but it did not fix the underlying problem on its own. Xanax was merely a bandage and I did not like the way it felt. The antidepressant (Zoloft, an SSRI) was dreadful: it caused sexual dysfunction, dizziness, and eventually strong suicidal ideations (which stopped when I stopped the medication). Recently, a new doctor prescribed me a purely anti-anxiety medication called buspirone (a.k.a. BuSpar). It has worked like a charm. I am generally anxiey-free around 90% of the time. It has been a game-changer. It does not work for everyone, but it has worked for me. Perhaps it is worth discussing with your health provider. I hope this helps. Life is difficult, often especially so for those of us with mental health issues. Stay strong, OP. Reply if you have any questions or need to vent. Also, feel free to private message if that works better for you.
  4. OP, Are he and his purported crush in a relationship? If so, he is off limits. If not, he is displaying clear signs of interest in you, but perhaps he is not confident enough to make any direct move. If you are interested in him, then you should reciprocate . If the signals continue to be mixed, be more direct in expressing interest. I agree with other posters in that his talking bad about his "crush" is not a good character trait. If he is saying this about her, what will he say about you? Unfortunately, speaking from experience, lots of people are into gossip and taking things emotionally/personally at 17. No excuse, but that level of immaturity is pretty common at that age, as people are still learning/developing. Certainly, there are other guys who will not talk crap about others... But this number of guys will surely become more plentiful in your 20s. Hope this helps.
  5. OP, Unfortunately, I've seen or heard of many of these "yes I will make changes" but then they make no changes situations play out. It is frustrating when partners seem to hear you out and agree, keeping you on board, but then they take no concrete action. My last partner was this way. I am sorry you are going through this. How does sex between you go, in general? Are you a giving partner, or is he helping you out most of the time? Do you two discuss sexual kinks and interests openly? Is there something he would like that you could be doing but are not? Perhaps there is something you could do or change here that might do the trick. It would be unreasonable in my view to direct him to stop watching pornography. It is his private time. Pornography is usually not a slippery slope: not sure what you mean by that. People watch pornography all of the time yet never cheat. However, if overuse of pornography is adversely affecting his desire to be intimate, then it is reasonable to discuss this overuse. Some posters have suggested he may be homosexual. He may be. It is almost certain that he isn't entirely straight. But he has sex with you and seems to enjoy it. So, there is perhaps more support for that he is bisexual or, as one dating site describes it, "heteroflexible." If he is indeed bisexual or heteroflexible, then I think your relationship is capable of surviving the revelation. I agree with the other posters that this requires another, last, talk. You two should discuss what might help. Further, ideally this talk puts him on on implicit notice that the relationship is in peril, because your need for intimacy is not being met and he does not seem to be taking action to alleviate your reasonable concerns. I hope this helps. Best of luck, OP.
  6. Since it happened today, why not just call him up now and tell him that what he said bothered you?
  7. I don't think saying, "I am not comfortable with you grooming and us not having sex" is the right call. First, saying that is unreasonable: it is his body and he can groom it how he pleases. Second, it is secondary to and dependant on the actual concern. You would not be upset about his grooming if the two of you were having regular sex. So, therein lies the primary problem. Rather, you should communicate your concern that you are not having enough sex, and it makes you worry that the flame has burned out between you two.
  8. Hey, OP. Sorry you are going through this. I'm glad you came here to vent instead of keeping all of that bottled up inside. What action is your partner contemplating taking? I left my first love for the last time because she decided to move across the country for six months even though she knew it would result in a break up. Maybe I (and others) could relate to the specifics of your situation.
  9. OP, sorry you are dealing with these worries. Sure, shaving for another woman is possible. There are other possible explanations, though. Had he been shaving during the summer months? His recent grooming may just be pattern that he has continued. Or, maybe he wanted to shave to feel attractive/clean/better about himself. You wrote that he has lied or flirted in the past. I am curious to know what you mean. Without more information on those circumstances, I don't think you have enough information to conclude that he is cheating. Based on the information currently provided, there are major problems in this marriage that will not be resolved through analyzing his grooming activities. You both are not having sex and you do not trust him. You both need to work on these items somehow, otherwise the marriage may not survive.
  10. Well, maybe you are just big-boned, even when you lose weight. Several of my close guy friends are overweight, one is pretty lanky, and they are all in great relationships or married at the moment. And here I am, at average weight, decent frame/muscles, and I am really struggling in the ladies department right now lol. I think being absolutely ripped or jacked would help any guy's chances, but it is not necessary. Solid charisma, confidence, a sense of humor, and/or having laudable passions or interests are attributes my friends have to varying degrees, and I think it has really helped them. I think working on these areas would help you, too. Now, again, if you have almost zero confidence because of the way you look...well, it would make sense to make certain changes in that area for the purposes of self-improvement, right? The "love yourself" advice is great, but it only goes so far. Rather, I prefer the practical approach: identify what you do not like, then change what you do not like, within reason.
  11. Work on the things that you can control. If the weight bothers you, go on walks or head to the gym. That might help with the tiredness too. I am currently working on losing a few pounds (my weight is alright, but I would feel better if I were a little more in shape. ). I am going to the gym and going on runs. I see and feel the difference. It is a game changer, let me tell you. Also, OP. Keep it mind that she wants to jump your bones every night. She wants you so bad that she is exhausting you (good problem to have lol)! I assure you that means she is enjoying herself. And, news for you, OP. Not everyone needs to climax every time. Your sexual worth is not measured by the number of orgasms you give. Someone could enjoy himself or herself plenty irrespective of climax. Sometimes I could be really enjoying myself but then my body is like, "nope, not tonight!" Usually, I am pretty forthcoming about what I want a partner to do, so the occasional inability to orgasm doesn't make me think a partner isn't doing it right.
  12. Hey, OP. A couple of things that you might consider. (1) In my last few relationships / a recent FWB, I sometimes experienced a lower sex drive. At times, this was indicative of lacking connection or emotional intimacy. I.e., something was bothering me, perhaps, and I felt I was more distant because I had not communicated the way I was feeling. Is there something nonsexual that is bothering you in the relationship? If so, have you communicated this to her? (2) At times, partners/I have experienced a lower sex drive due to external stress or mental health issues. Do you have a lot going on, either in terms of stress or mental health issues, in your outside life? (3) Is she taking care of you in the bedroom? Do you have fantasies or kinks you want to try out that you have not tried out yet? Were there certain activities in your last relationship(s) that you really liked that are not happening now? (4) are you feeling insecure sexually? I had a nightmare sexual experience recently that obviated my sexual confidence for a few weeks. During that time, I did not want to have sex, even with a recent fwb. I mention this because you mention others might have faked orgasms (it really doesn't sound like that from what you described imo). Are you sexually insecure? Did something happen recently that made you doubt your ability to perform? (5) it is possible everything is great and you just have a slightly lower sex drive. Or you are just tired, as you said, lol. I don't think it would be bad to take a day or two off every now and then lol. -- Lastly, I agree with @Wiseman2's suggestion that you spend more nonsexual time together. Taking the time out for romance and emotional connection seems important to you (see your comments about quickies, for instance). I feel similarly. I find that nonsexual time together (romance or just hanging out, deep conversation) ultimately helps in the bedroom.
  13. Dealing with a toxic family is incredibly difficult. I am sorry you are dealing with that. I have a difficult past with my family, too. No doubt, that past has shaped many of my behaviors and interactions with other people. Only in the last few years has my family life become non-toxic, and actually, loving. But it took me many years to get there. It seems like you might have a gimmick (essentially, a socially exploitable need) to be enough that requires you to "keep the peace" or explain yourself in your interactions with your parents, and therefore, the people who act coolly around you. That need gives the other person, in this case your mother, control over you. One example of this is that you tell your mother that you "appreciate her concerns" after she lambastes you with criticisms. You politely and in quite a friendly way respond, allowing her to act that way unfettered. You do not appreciate those concerns, so you should not say that you do. Maybe, the next time you have to interact and she makes you feel like a failure, the opposite approach: telling her you do not appreciate her words, enough is enough, and she is not being a good mother to you when she acts like that- would be better. Or, maybe then leaving/ending the interaction/working in some other social consequence would work too. That might help you break the gimmick/game cycle in which you seem to be caught. Of course, my advice could be totally off, but I am hoping this advice and the video linked therein do help in some significant way.
  14. Every reading of this situation presents your husband as a culpable party. I do not buy his "innocent" reasoning for asking the woman to be a rope model for him. Even if his reasoning taken at face value (it almost certainly should not be), that would make him a simpleton who acted inappropriately. This is because of a well-understood social expectation for exclusive partners: it is inappropriate for a partner to ask for a sexual act from another person. Even accepting his reasoning, would this be cheating/infidelity? Probably, yeah. It might be a less culpable version of events, but it is still culpable. Personally, given how unlikely I think it is that he does not understand the boundaries of exclusivity, I think the most likely true interpretations are that either (1) he wanted the person to send him pictures tied up so that he could get himself off (essentially sexting), using that he just wanted to practice rope-tying on you as a pretext for the kinky photos, and/or (2) he wanted to meet up with her for sex, using that same pretext. Either would be infidelity. You should probably proceed accordingly.
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