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Pleasedonot5

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  1. smilieman, How have you been sleeping? How are the anti-anxiety meds treating you? Has the VM gotten easier to handle? Just checking in. PDN5
  2. OP, Thanks for the reply. It is relatively easy to get into the habit of vilifying or demonizing our ex-partners. However, it may not be fair or accurate to do so, and doing so may impair our healing. Looking at a bad situation as it is usually seems to help me come to terms with it. In most cases - at least in my experience when I've broken up with somebody - I tossed and turned for weeks, if not months deciding whether to break up. I might have communicated problems as they arose, but I didn't outwardly change all my behaviors. And after it was done, I felt relieved that months of indecisiveness or anxiety were finally over. If that's a common enough experience among "dumpers" (I suspect it is), it could be that after or about the time she moved away, she started having serious doubts. And you clearly did not see those second-thoughts displayed outwardly. Internally, perhaps she struggled with the decision of whether or not to break up with you for some time. After she came to terms with her decision, she broke up with you as quickly as possible, giving the appearance that she broke up with you out of the blue. And now, she could be relieved that the decision has been made, and / or simply enjoying single life. This doesn't seem to me like a story of betrayal or infidelity. It isn't a story about an evil, narcissistic ex-girlfriend. It is a story about a regular, imperfect ex-girlfriend who lost interest in her relationship with you and broke up with you in the way easiest for her. And it sucks. --- I understand you are going through a lot of pain, but still worth saying that you don't "deserve" break-up sex. As far as I know, that's not very common... And I know you are missing her in that way but you shouldn't want that. If she prepositioned you for break-up sex, she would be essentially using you to get off and taking advantage of your emotionally vulnerable state. A hug was appropriate and reasonable. At least, it shows a basic level of respect for the "dumpee" (you). In regard to keeping in contact - on this thread, many posters have advised you to cut off or severely limit contact. You will never move on if you are constantly in contact with her, always being reminded of your ex. Additionally, being in constant contact with her will allow her to gradually and comfortably wean herself off of you while she looks for others. Please take care of yourself by cordially limiting or cutting contact. No small talk; no pleasantries. You can tell her that you are open to reconciliation if she ever wants to talk about that - but you need to try to stay out of contact in order to heal and move on. Hope this helps. Keep on moving forward, OP.
  3. Sorry, OP. That is awful. You were trying to do something very thoughtful for him, and turns out you discover his forthcoming cheating attempt. Yikes. I agree with hoshi: "When you break up with him..." indeed. And I agree with Dancingfool, just do it coolly and without explanation. He knows what he was doing. Don't give him the opportunity to blame you for "snooping" - clearly, even if you were trying to snoop (you weren't), you would have had cause to do so. That he was distrustful of you throughout your relationship indicates he may have cheated before: cheaters are notorious for projecting their own habits onto their partners. I am sincerely sorry that this happened. The silver lining is that you found out now and not years down the road. I hope the break-up goes relatively smoothly for you, you move forward, and find a guy who is more deserving of you. Hope this helps.
  4. Hey, OP. Narrowly-tailored question. Your partner has ADHD and that is affecting your relationship. And you've directly and unambiguously communicated that the symptoms: the distraction and lack of planning affect the relationship, no? What steps has he taken to treat these symptoms? Has he sought out treatment from a psychiatrist or physician? For some context, I have an anxiety disorder. But I wouldn't blame a partner for stressing out or leaving if I knew there was a cure/treatment, reasonably had the means to obtain it, and still knowingly let those symptoms adversely and materially affect our relationship. Hope this helps.
  5. Hey, OP. Sorry you are going through this. Being understanding and accommodating is not what is needed here. You need to be upfront and honest about what you want and need. You can say you would be open to spicing things up or working on what she feels is lacking from the marriage. But if she's not in it, then you need to start moving on. You should not stay married to someone who has relegated you to friend status while she goes on to have fun with others (and no, you don't KNOW she won't). That is so unfair to you. Maybe you leaving her to allow her to have her fun - without the security of always being around that you are currently affording her - would allow her to realize what she is losing. Hope this helps.
  6. Hey, OP. Sorry you are dealing with this. A couple of thoughts. First, you do not know whose house she was in. You will drive yourself crazy by speculating as to every adverse possibility. You seem to assume she is over some new love interest's house. While that is possible, here is a counterpoint: most people purportedly exclusive to you aren't dumb enough to send you pictures while in a new lover's house. Second, while you might feel a connection with her, she only feels that connection when she is with you. That amazing feeling in your gut when you are in the presence of someone with whom you are intimate? That can be felt even when relationships/etc. are going poorly. It isn't sufficient alone to make a relationship. She has described that she feels either empty, unsure, or anxious when not with you. That likely indicates that she is not really into you - or there is dissonance or otherwise concerns or anxieties surrounding the interaction with you. Third, she has told you she doesn't want a relationship. It must be confusing that she has said all those nice things and has been exclusive with you. Maybe that "by the way, I don't want a relationship" was a disclaimer so that you couldn't say you were led on later - she was upfront about what she said she did not want and you persisted anyway - so here we are. When a person says that a relationship is not what they want, you should listen. Fourth, you will not get what you want (a relationship) by allowing her or other people to be with you as less. If you give $100 worth of services and ask for $5 in return, you will indeed only get $5. Set firmer boundaries and higher standards as to what you will accept. Do not settle for less than you deserve next time. This is one of your first relationships. You will have more relationships, and with the right match - with someone who actually reciprocates your love and commitment, you will feel the love and commitment even more strongly. I know it doesn't seem like that right now; I am sorry that this one does not seem to be working out.
  7. Hey, ENA. Welcome to part one of the new PDN5 series called "shouting into the void about his past and present problems." For context, I am a 26-year-old man. Relationship Problems and Break-Up I broke up with a long-term girlfriend (23 F), call her R, almost three months ago. Things with R were not going well. Here is why. Problems. Views on Children. I was originally open to children when entering my relationship. R really wanted/wants biological children: that became apparent we got to know each other better, and especially in the last several months. (Of course, that's totally okay). I started going to therapy for our relationship problems last December. During the course of that therapy, my therapist and I realized that there was a complex moral issue that was causing me mental turmoil. I likely didn't want to accept it because I knew it probably would affect or end the relationship. Essentially, for moral reasons, I realized I should not have biological children. After I came to terms with this and told R, we stayed together for a while - maybe a month or two - but it affected us, and eventually, I knew that would likely remain an irreconcilable difference. COVID-19 Restrictions. R was very, very, very worried about the pandemic - at their core, the worries were for good reason, because some of her family were at greater risk of serious illness. I tried to work within her parameters, but they became unreasonable and began to affect our relationship. To illustrate how far it went, it became tough to see even my small immediate family because, if I did, I would not see my girlfriend for two weeks. That extended to responsible friends, even while outside, 1-1. While I've been a responsible citizen of the world during this pandemic, I am an independent guy who likes his freedom. Additionally, I haven't always gotten along with my immediate family so well. We are in a good place now, for the first time in my life. I really value them, so knowing there would be consequences put an unfair strain on seeing them. (I tried to be reasonable - "Hey, R, let's go and wear masks the whole time?"). Eventually, hope was on the horizon because the vaccines were coming out. But then - she was fearful of all of the vaccines, too. She believed without any scientific basis (she has a degree in a natural science, so this was surprising) that there was a substantial chance that the vaccines would cause fertility issues. So, not only were all of those limitations on my seeing others becoming unreasonable and difficult, but I also saw no end in sight to them. It became too much. Sex and Communication. Though I try to be a giving partner in this department, R eventually stopped giving earnest effort here. It felt like sex was for her benefit mostly. In many cases that is okay - I am a giving partner - but I don't like feeling neglected or not working together in this department. I communicated concerns to her, but doing so just seemed to make a difference once and then the habits would continue. Intuitively, I chalk it up to being interested in different things sexually - perhaps she obliged my interests for a while. No one's fault, just incompatible here. Misc. Communication was not easy. She would not let me support her as a partner, i.e., help her with tasks like resume/applying for jobs (I help a lot of my friends with resumes, usually with success) or driving (she was for most of our relationship without a driver license - in her early 20s. Early in our relationship, she hid this fact from me out of embarrassment, but when I wondered why she was always having me or her parents driving her around, she eventually told me. I only wanted to be a supportive partner and help - she should be able to drive to see me on occasion instead of parents dropping her off). For the second half of the relationship, I paid for everything: food, dates, gifts. I understand I had a job and she was not in a steady job, but once in a while doing something like picking up McDonald's for us would have been nice. She often acted spoiled or child-like: it at times felt like I had a daughter instead of a partner. Probably as a result, I often felt uncertain and anxious about the relationship. When I sit down to really think about it, there were so many problems. Due to past experiences where I left the relationship too early instead of fighting for it, I now believe in fighting for the relationship with best efforts... but perhaps I let the pendulum swing too far the other way this time. The Break-Up. There were many other problems (see misc.), but the first three above were the primary deal-breakers. The break-up was the most belligerent and perhaps infantile that I've ever had. When I sent the "we need to talk"-esque message, R refused to meet in-person (even with double-masks, six feet apart), and so I eventually had to do it over the phone (which felt awful - like I was back in high school). While on the phone, she immediately claimed I was heartless for breaking up with her days after a friend of her younger brother's had died. I did know that there had been a death - her younger brother's friend and classmate - but intuitively in my conversations with her I was not aware that this had hit close to the home for the entire family. I asked for details in days past, and R actively told me that she did not think it was appropriate to share details with me, so we did not talk about it further and I did not pry. I had not honestly gotten the impression that this was more than a person the family had known / the brother's friend and were vaguely sad about. During that accusation of being heartless, she described the gory details to me about this decedent 13-year-old's tragic suicide and how the family was going to essentially have a grieving session that night - and impliedly I was sending a broken-up daughter back to that family. That made me feel horrible. Obviously, if a family member had passed away, I would not have ended the relationship for some time out of respect/care for R. My therapist said describing the gory details of a child's suicide and blaming me for being heartless after her previously withholding that information was manipulative. Still, I profusely apologized and felt terrible. In hindsight, I wonder if it was an exaggeration, but either way I wish that would have gone down differently. As the phone conversation went on, R accused me of being unfaithful/cheating, which wasn't true. She said also that I always messaged other women when she was over, which was not true (that would be rude - I don't do that and I'm not sure where she got that). She criticized me for my choice of friends and therapist. She further claimed I had bad timing for breaking up around my birthday/holidays. Ok, that one was probably true, seeing as we broke up on April Fools' Day. (ok so she has a point there). Anyway. Eventually the long conversation was over. We returned items a few weeks later. It was cold, but perhaps to be expected. A few weeks afterward, without using my name, she called me a narcissist and awful boyfriend on Facebook. That really hurt. My whole extended family saw it. She did not respond to me confronting her about it - she probably has me set to “ignore” on everything. At least the family was good-natured about it. My grandpa, jokingly: "well, we know you are a narcissist, but why is she posting about it!!" Thanks, Grandpa, lol. It has now been almost three months since the break-up. Admittedly, though I miss her and the relationship sometimes (and, those experiences hold a place in my heart: we had history spanning over two years), I think all signs before the break-up and especially afterward point to that I made the right decision. Moving Forward – Dates & Misc. It has been approximately three months since the break-up. I do not feel like I am clinging onto my past relationship: I had tossed and turned for months prior to breaking up. I do not feel heartbroken: I feel like I made the right decision. However, there is now an empty void where love and the satisfaction of being a good, faithful partner used to be. Dates So Far. I have not yet found a partner, but I've so far gone on dates with two different people. An attractive acquaintance and I had been having more conversations. She eventually asked me to go running with her at a local trail while she biked alongside. It was fun - she was nice, but she mentioned that she wanted kids and I didn't feel a major spark or connection. So, the conversations have mostly fizzled out. Recently, out of the blue, a love interest, call her K, asked me out to brunch. It sounded like a date and I assumed she and her boyfriend had broken up (not listed on Facebook, etc.). We've seemingly almost always had mutual interest in one another but have been single at different times (and I know previously she mentioned she might want to adopt but not have kids - bingo). We also competed in ballroom dance together and we are quite good. I like her quite a lot. I was excited for the date. I arrived. Not to be rude, but while I do and always have found her very attractive, it looked like she didn't put in any effort to get ready, while I definitely had. Shortly after arriving, she mentioned that she is still dating her boyfriend. Oof. The resulting conversations were… superficial? We talked about ostensibly deep topics, but it still felt superficial - maybe on account of me feeling guarded that she was still dating someone. She mentioned that her boyfriend and her fight a lot, so while I was puzzled why she asked me to brunch, maybe it was (1) just a friendly meet-up, (2) an ego-boost because her relationship isn't going well, or (3) a low-interest or testing the waters meet-up. I sent a polite “thanks for brunch – it was nice seeing you :)” text shortly after getting back home. She was evasive/non-responsive. Who knows what that was about - kind of confusing. It makes me think maybe she thought the conversation was superficial or forced, too. Whatever it was, I know I should not pursue her, because she is in a relationship. Still, that was a major let-down. FWB. I am in a non-public FWB with someone. We see each other occasionally – maybe once every two weeks. She is also in professional school. She's a great person, but at the moment we both only want to be friends and occasionally hook up because our sexual interests coincide. I would rather be in a relationship with someone, so it's just a meantime thing. Limits to Meeting New People & Dating Apps. Last, I want to meet people, but (1) the hopefully subsiding pandemic still limits available social events (esp. at my University (law school): speaking candidly, Zoom does not bring out my good side. I do not think I will make a connection over Zoom), and (2) dating apps, including this time around, seemingly just do not work for me. Though I feel I am charming in person, I just don't have that ~~~~pizzazz~~~~ that the men who get matches seem to have. So, if I can't get matches, I do not get dates. If I do not get dates, I do not get to be charming in person. Then I do not make that possible connection. Worries. I am especially concerned given the fact that at this time, I do not want to have biological children. I am worried that that severely narrows my potential dating pool by a lot. I would need to date someone with whom not only do I feel a connection or spark, but also one who is (1) undecided/open to children or (2) also does not want children. ____ I am not sure what I am looking for by posting this. I am lonely and worried about the future. Perhaps, all these topics are in the back of my mind. Maybe just shouting at the void was good for me, or maybe someone might have an insight or some words of encouragement. Thanks for reading. 🙂
  8. Respectfully, Wiseman2, you misunderstand. I pointed out that there are a few different ways that posters have suggested OP move forward. Identifying those paths is not a hostile maneuver, but an actual recitation or summary of recommendations for OP's benefit. We are essentially saying the same thing: do what resolves the matter as quickly and painlessly as possible, and heed your attorney's advice. However, since the client drives attorney-client decisions such as whether to file, it is important that the client be informed when making those decisions. While meaningless rhetorical questions are indeed a waste of time, figuring out whether to file or wait by obtaining the attorney's advice is not a waste of time. Sorry if my post offended or annoyed. I hope the intention is clearer now.
  9. Haha. Maybe this will help instead: Timeline: John and Sarah marry one another. They have babies, then divorce. OP dates John. Sarah dates Nick. OP and John break up. Months later, Sarah and Nick break up. OP and Nick talk about their break-ups. Then, Nick prepositions OP for a FWB. If this doesn't work, I give up!! 😂 (just teasing).
  10. Hey, OP. Sorry you are dealing with a break-up and complicated FWB preposition. A FWB with Nick would not seem to break any ethical rules. You are, after all, a single woman. And he is a single man. But it may not be smart to become involved with him. You'll stay attached to all that drama. You'll hear his side of the story, which may make it more difficult for you to move on. Additionally, you may be drawn into more drama if John and/or Sarah find out. There are plenty of men out there that would be just as fun with a quarter of the drama/potential for heartache. ___ ayyyy caramba! For those confused, maybe this will help: OP - the hero of our story. Dated John after John and Sarah divorced. Eventually, OP and John broke up. Now, Nick has prepositioned OP for a FWB. John - Sarah's ex-husband. Father of children. John dated OP after Sarah and he divorced. Sarah - John's ex-wife. Mother of children. After she and John divorced, Sarah dated Nick. Nick - Sarah's boyfriend after she divorced John. Sarah and Nick eventually broke up. It sounds messy, because Sarah forbade Nick from seeing the children. Now, Nick wants a FWB with OP.
  11. Hey, OP. Well, it seems there are two reasonable possibilities. She wants to give the photo album back, or, #1 but she is also open to reconciliation. If you are interested in reconciliation, you might as well reach out and ask if she would like to catch up. No reason to act opposite of your will or intention - if you want to get back together then try. The worst that happens either way is she turns you down and you find yourself back at the status quo - in that case, at least you would know you gave it your best. Hope this helps.
  12. Thanks for the reply. Ideally, you should have things you enjoy doing outside spending time with your significant other. Your activities or hobbies should be more than just to pass the time until you see your guy again. In regard to the activities you pointed out above: Do you have Netflix or other streaming service? You could look for a new show or comedy special. You enjoy dance. If you dance seriously, you could try to learn a new dance or new dance moves from YouTube. Track is fun! I used to compete myself. You can definitely run or sprint without a track to prepare for next season. There are running apps like Strava or Charity Miles which have GPS. A 200m is roughly 0.12 miles or exactly 0.20 km. Since some of those apps are clunky with regard to "laps," and not everyone runs with or has a smartphone, you could also go to https://www.mapmyrun.com/routes/create/ or, if in the U.S., https://legacy.usatf.org/routes/map/newMap.asp to create a route / stretch of land that you know is your desired distance ahead of time. If none of that sounds interesting or motivating, it might be time for a new hobby, activity or group of friends. I'm sure there are others in your grade that have the same values or mindset as you. It might be unfair to generalize about everyone in your grade. Hope this helps.
  13. Hey, OP. Sorry you are missing your significant other lots at this time. Boltnrun asked a good question: do you have friends to hang out with instead? Or, alternatively, you must have interests outside of the boyfriend. What are some of your favorite activities or hobbies? Could you do those solo or with friends?
  14. Hey, OP. Sorry to hear about the declined date offer. From your responses on this thread, it seems you are caught between "it would be awkward to cancel at this point" and "I want to date him, so maybe I shouldn't go." If you wanted to avoid the cinema, you could find a vague excuse: "Hey, sorry, something came up. I cannot make it to the cinema on [date]." Otherwise, follow through on the plans and don't go with any expectations of a relationship. I don't see why you wouldn't dress nicely: you're going out in public. But you shouldn't make special efforts for this guy, no.
  15. My mantra for dealing with difficult situations in a relationship is "communicate, stupid." I find that direct, respectful, and solution-oriented communication solves most relationship problems. I think that would apply to her different levels of openness when electronic versus in-person. One caveat: You are being unreasonable here, imo. It's one thing to feel jealousy; it's another to control the gender/sex of your girlfriend's friends. Why not find out the reasons you feel this jealousy so strongly despite being her guy, and why is not being her choice enough? Do you think she's going to leave you for them?
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