Boyfriend too busy to visit me in the hospital

[katrina1980]

^^ Fair point fio but it's quite possible this "relationship" has always been casual, or even a "hook up" type situation, in which case the "honeymoon period" would not apply.

 

We've only heard the OP's version of what was happening between them (a serious relationship?), his version may be entirely different (more casual).

 

His actions may have even reflected he only wants casual but she sees something different because her feelings are stronger and she's more invested. BTDT myself.

 

Which wouldn't make how he's acting now 'wrong' per se, but he's definitely sending her a message. His interest/caring level is low and he's not invested.

 

OP should heed the message and adjust her needs and expectations accordingly. Or just next.

 

I could be wrong! Just my sense based on what OP has posted thus far.

 

To the OP, if you're still reading, how are you feeling?

 

Please keep us updated, your "boyfriend" may not give a * but we do! xx

[IAmFCA]

@j.man, I agree with you that his behavior is not "wrong." I don't recall reading anyone saying it was wrong.

 

What it does refect is that he's not all that invested or worse flat out doesn't give a ****. Not that he should be all that invested after four months but some level of caring at this point is a reasonable expectation.

 

As many of us have said, winding time down is terrific, I need it and I'm not even in an intense training program!

 

But to announce he's "too busy" for the next *two months* because he wants to sleep and play video games is just insulting. I mean at least keep it open depending on how he feels, there may be a weekend when his load is lighter and he could visit her then.

 

His "too busy for two months" announcement sounded calculated, I mean who the hell knows how they will be feeling during the next two months?

 

I dunno, actions and all that.

 

But yeah agree he's not "wrong" and he was honest. His level of caring is just very low (and he wants OP to know that) and if OP expects more, best to either lower her expectations (or better yet not have any at all) or walk away.

 

It doesn't matter what his intentions are. It just doesn't. If he said he needed time to hand out and read Dostoyevsky, would that matter? Or to care for his sick grandma? Or practice yoga? It just doesn't matter.

 

She wants more than he offers. End of story.

[katrina1980]

It doesn't matter what his intentions are. It just doesn't. If he said he needed time to hand out and read Dostoyevsky, would that matter? Or to care for his sick grandma? Or practice yoga? It just doesn't matter.

 

She wants more than he offers. End of story.

 

Agree it doesn't matter FCA, but telling her he would *prefer* to sleep and play video games (which is what he was telling her) is just insulting, beyond the pale.

 

Which is why I said earlier, by telling her this, he's pretty much asking to be dumped.

 

But yeah, agree bottom line is OP wants more than he offers, buh bye.

[milly007]

I can relate to the boyfriend in that he may feel overwhelmed and stressed to the max and therefore, needs some down time to recover and stay level-headed.

 

I recall having to back out of plans with family, friends, dates, etc. due to feeling sick and burned out from school and work, and I'd spend the day or night, etc. sleeping and resting. This wasn't easy either because I was so used to being there for everyone in my family, and wanted to date/find a relationship, but my schooling/job made it extremely difficult. I would try and make it all work, at the risk of my health.

 

What I don't understand though, is that he can't find any time within the two months of your recovery period post-surgery to spend time with you, OP.

 

In your original post, OP, you mention that your boyfriend has been spending the last two months preparing for this internship/job and was stressed, so I'm curious as to how you spent time together during those two months? It sounds like he was stressed during this other two month period as well (prior to getting this job), so how did you two find the time to spend together then?

[Jibralta]

What it does refect is that he's not all that invested or worse flat out doesn't give a ****. Not that he should be all that invested after four months but some level of caring at this point is a reasonable expectation.

 

Exactly. It's "you're alright" vs. "you're awesome."

 

They're both wasting time if they're settling for "you're alright."

[IAmFCA]

Agree it doesn't matter FCA, but telling her he would *prefer* to sleep and play video games (which is what he was telling her) is just insulting, beyond the pale.

 

Which is why I said earlier, by telling her this, he's pretty much asking to be dumped.

 

But yeah, agree bottom line is OP wants more than he offers, buh bye.

 

While it sounds insulting to us, it may not have been his intent. We tend to dismiss video games and time alone as having low value, but he may be self aware and appropriately protecting the time he needs to recover from his day.

 

Rather than speculate, or get distracted by feeling wronged, insulted etc, I recommend she see her own power.

 

He hasn't wronged her, so much as she has chosen to expect something different than what he offers.

 

Now that her expectations are corrected, she can reassess her choice and decide what she wants.

[figureitout23]

While it sounds insulting to us, it may not have been his intent. We tend to dismiss video games and time alone as having low value, but he may be self aware and appropriately protecting the time he needs to recover from his day.

 

Rather than speculate, or get distracted by feeling wronged, insulted etc, I recommend she see her own power.

 

He hasn't wronged her, so much as she has chosen to expect something different than what he offers.

 

Now that her expectations are corrected, she can reassess her choice and decide what she wants.

 

I still disagree.

 

While we are all responsible with what we accept in relationships, we are also responsible with how we treat others.

 

If any woman would be ok with a boyfriend not visiting her AT ALL when she has surgery and while she recovers, please speak up, Ive found the perfect man for you.

 

Granted wind down time is valuable, its not like the guy is away on active duty, its a 2 hour drive round trip, he could spend an hour or two with her. The fact that he isnt willing (its not that he cant, its not that it'll hinder his job, he is literally making a choice) shows, in my eyes, a lack of basic care about a person he claims to want to be in a relationship with. The fact that he entered this relationship and has now made her an option is wrong.

 

While I completely agree its up to her to decide what she will accept, that doesnt mean what hes doing isn't a**hole behavior.

[Jibralta]

While we are all responsible with what we accept in relationships, we are also responsible with how we treat others.

 

If any woman would be ok with a boyfriend not visiting her AT ALL when she has surgery and while she recovers, please speak up, Ive found the perfect man for you.

 

Well said.

[ThatwasThen]

He hasn't wronged her, so much as she has chosen to expect something different than what he offers.

IMO if he's not going to be able to see her for two months and she is supposed to be his Significant Other, then yes in some way he has wronged her by not taking the time, when he has it, to see her. I would tell her to let it go (as I did earlier and before further posts by the Op) if he was going to be able to see her when she was discharged from the hospital.

 

If I were you, Op I would be contemplating the value of being in a relationship with him as I recovered. I hope you value yourself enough not to expect the little he seems to be able to offer you.

[itsallgrand]

Yes, I would not personally feel wronged. Simply because I wouldn't expect too much after four months of dating.

It's still getting to know you, how things go as a couple.

I'd probably be disappointed, sure. Not insulted though.

Now if my longer term partner did this, then I'd feel hurt. Because it's already established what we both are about in this relationship.

 

Being offended and invested or no, conclusion is the same. Two months without seeing the other an hour away, that's not even dating.

[ThatwasThen]

We’ve been together for few months now but known each other for 4 years.

 

OP: In what capacity did you know him during those 4 years?

[Annia]

IMO if he's not going to be able to see her for two months and she is supposed to be his Significant Other, then yes in some way he has wronged her by not taking the time, when he has it, to see her. I would tell her to let it go (as I did earlier and before further posts by the Op) if he was going to be able to see her when she was discharged from the hospital.

 

If I were you, Op I would be contemplating the value of being in a relationship with him as I recovered. I hope you value yourself enough not to expect the little he seems to be able to offer you.

 

I totally agree. Even if in the beginning stages of a relationship, if a man tells me he wants to be in a relationship with me (I'm supposing they're in a relationship and not simply dating), I expect him to see me at least 1 or 2 times in 2 months if this is not a long distance relationship and especially with me being on recovery from a major cirurgy. If he committed to be in a relationship with her, despite it being a recent one, then he also committed to not go missing in months when his girlfriend is on recovery from a cirurgy.

 

I never said that it was unreasonable to not being able to visit at the hospital or to take a day or two to rest and unwind but he showed her he's not invested in this relationship when he communicated that he won't see her during the 2 months recovery which to me seems a sign of wanting to smoothly end the relationship. Even if he's too busy, how does he know that in 2 months he won't be able to spend some minutes with his girlfriend? He's already checking out of the relationship, that's why.

 

And even if it was true that it was totally impossible and inconvenient to visit his girlfriend in 2 months, it shows he's not in the right place to be in a relationship.

 

And people are talking that they're just in the beginning of dating and knowing each other... But from what I understand they're in a committed relationship and in the beginning, the honeymoon stage, he's already showing that he doesn't care. If this is how he handles this stuff it means he might not be the right person to be a life partner to the OP.

 

You don't need to be in a relationship for years to have the common decency of getting 10 minutes in 2 months to visit your girlfriend to whom you expressed desire to be in a committed relationship with. If he regrets the commitment now with the work stress and her cirurgy, then he should be honest and break up.

[IAmFCA]

I still disagree.

 

While we are all responsible with what we accept in relationships, we are also responsible with how we treat others.

 

If any woman would be ok with a boyfriend not visiting her AT ALL when she has surgery and while she recovers, please speak up, Ive found the perfect man for you.

 

Granted wind down time is valuable, its not like the guy is away on active duty, its a 2 hour drive round trip, he could spend an hour or two with her. The fact that he isnt willing (its not that he cant, its not that it'll hinder his job, he is literally making a choice) shows, in my eyes, a lack of basic care about a person he claims to want to be in a relationship with. The fact that he entered this relationship and has now made her an option is wrong.

 

While I completely agree its up to her to decide what she will accept, that doesnt mean what hes doing isn't a**hole behavior.

 

 

On the main, I agree with you.

 

He isn't here to describe his situation, she is likely resistant to judging him so harshly and also likely would not want to imagine that he is treating her disrespectfully.

 

It isn't necessary for the OP to judge him harshly. More important for her to accept that she has needs and to be courageous enough to believe her needs will be met. This man isn't meeting them, and it doesn't bother him that he isn't meeting them.

 

 

My guess is that they each have certain patterns of avoidance, and that similarity is part of their mutual attraction. She may not have expressed her desire for his attention in a way that he understands (why would she need to, I know, but hospitals can trigger odd responses). He may not have the emotional ability to be available when it counts -- too much pressure, too intimate, too whatever. So this surgery is their breaking point -- sorry, OP, for all of this -- its the event that shows them what they are missing when the going gets rough. They are missing a connection strong enough to give energy when there isn't any.

[katrina1980]

^^Good points FCA, often times a major event like this, an event that would require us to "walk the walk" versus "talking the talk," can trigger fears about commitment, specifically how committed we are or even want to be.

 

Without knowing this guy, it's possible your surgery brought to surface these fears/issues and he's realized he's just not "there" nor does he want to be.

 

Hence his avoidance at wanting to visit as doing so would reflect a commitment and a caring he's just not feeling.

 

OP are you still even reading these posts?

[figureitout23]

Good point Kat I totally didn’t think about that

 

She’s probably long gone,lol.

[Jibralta]

It isn't necessary for the OP to judge him harshly. More important for her to accept that she has needs and to be courageous enough to believe her needs will be met. This man isn't meeting them, and it doesn't bother him that he isn't meeting them.

 

I agree. Sometimes situations like these help us to discover what we want in a partner.

 

I remember maybe 10-11 years ago, I'd met two guys online. Not being much of a multi-dater, I dated one of them exclusively and he became my boyfriend. But I often talked to the other guy on the phone.

 

About three months into my relationship, my uncle was seriously injured in an accident, on the verge of death. My boyfriend was kind of like, "Oh wow, that's terrible. Talk to you later."

 

The other guy sat on the phone with me for an hour and let me vent about my uncle. I didn't even realize I had anything to say about it until he encouraged me to talk about it.

 

After that, I knew my preference.

 

When you discover your preference, it's important to honor it.

[nutbrownhare]

It may be perfectly legitimate for the guy to be so absorbed in his work that he hasn't time or space for a hospital visit, or so absorbed in unwinding from his work that he hasn't time or space for the same.

 

This is not someone who has time or space for a meaningful relationship, and that's all you need to know.

[Capricorn3]

Temporarily closed. OP, if and when you come back and would like to update us, please PM me and I'll gladly re-open the thread. Thanks.