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nutbrownhare last won the day on May 14 2019

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  1. 'Pear-shaped' is also used in the UK to describe a physical shape - as you say, with narrow shoulders/small breasts and wide hips/large buttocks. It's all a question of context!
  2. This is true. So don't have anything to do with them! From what you're saying here, you seem far more concerned about how they're feeling, and not wanting to hurt their feelings, than you are about your own wellbeing and safety. If you feel uncomfortable around someone, then don't hang around. If they don't like it, that is really, really not your problem. So... a guy you weren't interested in asked you out. That's not at all unusual, and unless there's something you've not mentioned here, I don't see why it would be offensive in any way. If you're not interested, then politely decline. End of. I used to go out every Sunday evening with a couple of female friends, to a pub where they had a folk band. Every week, we'd be approached by a different bunch of guys; I'd just thank them for coming over, and say that we were all spoken for and just wanted a girls' night out. No offence meant or taken. For your own sanity, you need to differentiate between guys who are just asking you out and those where their actions constitute assault, however minor. Don't be afraid to be assertive when necessary; this does not at all mean you need to be a b****.
  3. If you're attractive, you're likely to get unwanted attention from men. Most of it can be safely ignored, but there are times when it might risk getting beyond that - and that's where assertiveness comes in. Look upon it as a life skill. Some men are real sleazeballs, but that about them, NOT about you! Don't ever treat that kind of rubbish as a reflection of your worth. If someone's getting too close, there's nothing wrong with telling them that you're enjoying their company but right now they're invading your personal space. If someone invites you back for coffee, politely decline - unless you do want to go back for coffee, in which case it's OK to say that you'd like to, before you get a cab home. If being with someone's making you nervous, then back away. Sometimes being "polite and friendly" will come across as having no boundaries, and there are people who will take advantage of that. Your approach of being a "good listener" and wanting to be a therapist to the guys you meet will feel weird to anyone who's looking for a healthy relationship/equal partnership. You have no difficulty in areas of life where you're treating other people as humans first and foremost, and men ARE just people! Good luck!
  4. Some of the most messed-up people I know are clinical psychologists; I knew them before they did their training, and I sometimes wonder how effective they are in practice.
  5. My advice to you is to put these messed-up, unhealthily enmeshed women behind you - and run like the wind. As MissCanuck says, you've dodged a huge bullet. Someone with healthy boundaries keeps their personal life and professional ones separate, especially with a very needy client like Lisa. Hopefully there will come a time when you look back and realise what a sordid soap opera it all was, and feel grateful that you're not mixed up in it any more. Until then, don't even consider any further contact/interventions/reporting to professional bodies because that will keep you mired in it - and effectively prevent any healing.
  6. I can really understand where you're coming from, OP. It seems that you're really making an effort to be cool with your partner, so that you can feel secure with him. Unfortunately you and he are coming from very different places. You're saying that you feel you're a 'second option' to him, and that you're worried you might be in for a repeat of his last relationship. In truth, you're probably not a 'second option', because as things stand he can have both of you, in some sense - making himself feel valued and sought-after. Rather than worrying about what might happen in the future, it's more important to look at what's happening now. He may be a wonderful man in many ways, but he's completely dismissive of your feelings. While it's admirable to accept a partner's opposite-sex friends if there's no past history of romantic or sexual involvement, he is basically asking you to accommodate a third party into your relationship and then accusing you of being insecure when you don't like it. This ^^^ sounds very manipulative. It's a hint to you that you need to accept his "friendship" with her or you'll be guilty of turning him into a bad friend - not that he needs to enforce better boundaries in relationships and take responsibility for himself. As others have said, he is entitled to be friends with whoever he wants. You, however, are not obliged to remain in a situation which has you eating your heart out, to the detriment of your own emotional health and self-esteem. I also know from experience that this kind of thing does not get better with time, and there will always be that part of you which is worrying and guessing. Fear and mistrust will grow in the relationship, rather than love. I appreciate that you love him, and it will be a huge wrench to end it right now when you were hoping all this would magically disappear. There has been some excellent advice as to how to tackle that talk with him, and I'd follow it. So sorry you're going through this; it's a really painful situation to be in.
  7. Please... in these dark days, one thing that really isn't rationed or in danger of running out is the ability to give comfort and support to others, if we choose to. If we don't, that's fine, and nobody should feel compelled to be sympathetic if they don't feel it. However, there's no need to make a point of not being sympathetic. "Be Kind!"
  8. I can totally understand where the OP is coming from. Sometimes we need to detach completely from someone we know will damage us, now and in the future - and that's where NC helps so much with the healing process. However, at some stage there must have been attraction, or love, or strong positive feelings, or there wouldn't have been a relationship in the first place, and getting over this loss happens in its own time irrespective of how we're growing in other ways, or, indeed taking a rational approach to moving on. Sometimes it can be unsettling when the positive aspects get revisited unexpectedly. I had an ex where I split up after around 8 months, not one single regret about ending the relationship, and I would rather chew wasps than get involved with him again in any way. I was just aware of the fact that there were a couple of pieces of music which reminded me of him, and these could reduce me to tears. For a while. Then they didn't any more. The OP has had a bit of a shock after a traumatic breakup, and it will soon fade away. It doesn't stop it being a shock right now, though, and it looks as though that was why she was seeking support on here. The breakup sounds as though it was highly emotionally charged, and to an extent this is true of the recent contact. It's important to remember that we're talking about emotions here - and by definition, they're irrational. To the OP: (((BIG HUGS)))
  9. I guess this is a really significant cultural difference between the US and the UK. Interesting viewpoint j.man.
  10. I watched a couple of the first series and it freaked me out so much that I couldn't watch any more. However, and I'm not sure about this, but I think it was fiction and not a documentary. Though this sort of thing could be a self-fulfilling prophecy I guess.
  11. It seems you're not the only one. I just wish that people would realise that this is a virus which with care and sensible (and preferably unselfish!) precautions can be contained. Not a zombie apocalypse!
  12. Yes, as Wiseman says - smoking what? Is this guy regarding you as a project, someone he can rescue, in exchange for using you for sex when he feels like it?
  13. and Are you saying that she does want him back, or that she doesn't? Either way, she's going to be in his life in some capacity or other for a while, and you need to ask yourself if you want to be in a relationship where there are three of you.
  14. This ^^^. Or to put it another way, you can trust him to cheat, lie and spend a fortune on a fantasy woman!
  15. As we all get older, the incidence of breast cancer increases. I know many women - friends and acquaintances - who have had breast cancer; every single one of them has made a full recovery. It doesn't stop that horrible feeling of panic and dread, though, when you first hear the news. Sending love and healing thoughts to you all.
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