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nutbrownhare

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Everything posted by nutbrownhare

  1. 'Pear-shaped' is also used in the UK to describe a physical shape - as you say, with narrow shoulders/small breasts and wide hips/large buttocks. It's all a question of context!
  2. This is true. So don't have anything to do with them! From what you're saying here, you seem far more concerned about how they're feeling, and not wanting to hurt their feelings, than you are about your own wellbeing and safety. If you feel uncomfortable around someone, then don't hang around. If they don't like it, that is really, really not your problem. So... a guy you weren't interested in asked you out. That's not at all unusual, and unless there's something you've not mentioned here, I don't see why it would be offensive in any way. If you're not interested, then politely decline. End of. I used to go out every Sunday evening with a couple of female friends, to a pub where they had a folk band. Every week, we'd be approached by a different bunch of guys; I'd just thank them for coming over, and say that we were all spoken for and just wanted a girls' night out. No offence meant or taken. For your own sanity, you need to differentiate between guys who are just asking you out and those where their actions constitute assault, however minor. Don't be afraid to be assertive when necessary; this does not at all mean you need to be a b****.
  3. If you're attractive, you're likely to get unwanted attention from men. Most of it can be safely ignored, but there are times when it might risk getting beyond that - and that's where assertiveness comes in. Look upon it as a life skill. Some men are real sleazeballs, but that about them, NOT about you! Don't ever treat that kind of rubbish as a reflection of your worth. If someone's getting too close, there's nothing wrong with telling them that you're enjoying their company but right now they're invading your personal space. If someone invites you back for coffee, politely decline - unless you do want to go back for coffee, in which case it's OK to say that you'd like to, before you get a cab home. If being with someone's making you nervous, then back away. Sometimes being "polite and friendly" will come across as having no boundaries, and there are people who will take advantage of that. Your approach of being a "good listener" and wanting to be a therapist to the guys you meet will feel weird to anyone who's looking for a healthy relationship/equal partnership. You have no difficulty in areas of life where you're treating other people as humans first and foremost, and men ARE just people! Good luck!
  4. Some of the most messed-up people I know are clinical psychologists; I knew them before they did their training, and I sometimes wonder how effective they are in practice.
  5. My advice to you is to put these messed-up, unhealthily enmeshed women behind you - and run like the wind. As MissCanuck says, you've dodged a huge bullet. Someone with healthy boundaries keeps their personal life and professional ones separate, especially with a very needy client like Lisa. Hopefully there will come a time when you look back and realise what a sordid soap opera it all was, and feel grateful that you're not mixed up in it any more. Until then, don't even consider any further contact/interventions/reporting to professional bodies because that will keep you mired in it - and effectively prevent any healing.
  6. I can really understand where you're coming from, OP. It seems that you're really making an effort to be cool with your partner, so that you can feel secure with him. Unfortunately you and he are coming from very different places. You're saying that you feel you're a 'second option' to him, and that you're worried you might be in for a repeat of his last relationship. In truth, you're probably not a 'second option', because as things stand he can have both of you, in some sense - making himself feel valued and sought-after. Rather than worrying about what might happen in the future, it's more important to look at what's happening now. He may be a wonderful man in many ways, but he's completely dismissive of your feelings. While it's admirable to accept a partner's opposite-sex friends if there's no past history of romantic or sexual involvement, he is basically asking you to accommodate a third party into your relationship and then accusing you of being insecure when you don't like it. This ^^^ sounds very manipulative. It's a hint to you that you need to accept his "friendship" with her or you'll be guilty of turning him into a bad friend - not that he needs to enforce better boundaries in relationships and take responsibility for himself. As others have said, he is entitled to be friends with whoever he wants. You, however, are not obliged to remain in a situation which has you eating your heart out, to the detriment of your own emotional health and self-esteem. I also know from experience that this kind of thing does not get better with time, and there will always be that part of you which is worrying and guessing. Fear and mistrust will grow in the relationship, rather than love. I appreciate that you love him, and it will be a huge wrench to end it right now when you were hoping all this would magically disappear. There has been some excellent advice as to how to tackle that talk with him, and I'd follow it. So sorry you're going through this; it's a really painful situation to be in.
  7. Please... in these dark days, one thing that really isn't rationed or in danger of running out is the ability to give comfort and support to others, if we choose to. If we don't, that's fine, and nobody should feel compelled to be sympathetic if they don't feel it. However, there's no need to make a point of not being sympathetic. "Be Kind!"
  8. I can totally understand where the OP is coming from. Sometimes we need to detach completely from someone we know will damage us, now and in the future - and that's where NC helps so much with the healing process. However, at some stage there must have been attraction, or love, or strong positive feelings, or there wouldn't have been a relationship in the first place, and getting over this loss happens in its own time irrespective of how we're growing in other ways, or, indeed taking a rational approach to moving on. Sometimes it can be unsettling when the positive aspects get revisited unexpectedly. I had an ex where I split up after around 8 months, not one single regret about ending the relationship, and I would rather chew wasps than get involved with him again in any way. I was just aware of the fact that there were a couple of pieces of music which reminded me of him, and these could reduce me to tears. For a while. Then they didn't any more. The OP has had a bit of a shock after a traumatic breakup, and it will soon fade away. It doesn't stop it being a shock right now, though, and it looks as though that was why she was seeking support on here. The breakup sounds as though it was highly emotionally charged, and to an extent this is true of the recent contact. It's important to remember that we're talking about emotions here - and by definition, they're irrational. To the OP: (((BIG HUGS)))
  9. I guess this is a really significant cultural difference between the US and the UK. Interesting viewpoint j.man.
  10. I watched a couple of the first series and it freaked me out so much that I couldn't watch any more. However, and I'm not sure about this, but I think it was fiction and not a documentary. Though this sort of thing could be a self-fulfilling prophecy I guess.
  11. It seems you're not the only one. I just wish that people would realise that this is a virus which with care and sensible (and preferably unselfish!) precautions can be contained. Not a zombie apocalypse!
  12. Yes, as Wiseman says - smoking what? Is this guy regarding you as a project, someone he can rescue, in exchange for using you for sex when he feels like it?
  13. and Are you saying that she does want him back, or that she doesn't? Either way, she's going to be in his life in some capacity or other for a while, and you need to ask yourself if you want to be in a relationship where there are three of you.
  14. This ^^^. Or to put it another way, you can trust him to cheat, lie and spend a fortune on a fantasy woman!
  15. As we all get older, the incidence of breast cancer increases. I know many women - friends and acquaintances - who have had breast cancer; every single one of them has made a full recovery. It doesn't stop that horrible feeling of panic and dread, though, when you first hear the news. Sending love and healing thoughts to you all.
  16. There are very few couples who will agree 100% on everything, but the adult response is to agree to differ. A therapist once told me - when I'd just started seeing someone new - that at the first sign of sulking or jealousy I should get out. Because it isn't going to work. Don't contact him. If you do, you're sending a clear message that blocking is a handy way to control you, and this won't do you any good at all. If he gets in touch with you, then by all means discuss it - but let him know that if he does this again then you will consider the relationship to be over.
  17. The difference between yourself and someone with a healthy self-regard is that the latter, having seen how it was turning out, would run like the wind. Nobody on here can tell you whether he'll leave or not. However, you've been given a great deal of advice on how to take care of yourself by not being party to someone else's dysfunctional shenanigans!
  18. He doesn't trust you, yet you claim that he values you, and keeps your wants and needs met? Don't your needs include trust from him, especially if you've given him no reason not to? I'm going back to my original question: if trust isn't an essential requirement in a relationship, then what is? You claim you trust him, yet you're clearly worried about him leaving. In relationships where there is trust, this thought doesn't even arise. Honest!
  19. Then why did you create this thread? If trust isn't an essential requirement in a relationship, then what is?
  20. He'd only just split up from his ex when you two got it together. He has had no time to process the breakup and get over his ex, and there is going to be a lot of baggage around - as you are finding out. You are a rebound, and the romance from the early part of the relationship has worn off. This is way too much silly drama for such a new relationship. Unless you enjoy this kind of thing, cut and run. They are going to be very much in each other's lives purely because of childcare issues, let alone her wanting him back, you feeling closer to his mate than you do to him, and all the backwards and forwards about who's living where. There is nothing in your post that makes me think this is going to end well.
  21. He forces you to have sex when you don't want to... what a prize! That's on top of him telling you how to live your life...! This guy is a controller, and you will continue to be vulnerable to this sort of character until you decide that you can live more healthily and lead a full life all on your own. THIS is where you should be focusing as part of your personal growth. Ditch this guy, and run, run, run like the wind. It sounds like it's early days at the moment, but being with someone who behaves like this will have a devastating effect on your self-esteem in the long run. There's a very good book called 'Men who hate women, and the women who love them', which you may find interesting. Incidentally, the scenarios you describe in your original post would be described in the UK as 'Coercive Control' - which is a crime.
  22. One of the things about having an attractive partner is that other people will be attracted to them; if you're secure, this isn't a problem. If not, then it can cause you to eat your heart out. Your guy is social, outgoing and kind - so people are attracted to him. When you say you want him to set boundaries with these girls - he does. You yourself say that he shuts them down and says he has a girlfriend. Ironically, the same qualities which attracted you to him are also causing you problems now, and you're hoping he'll change who he is so that it doesn't spark your insecurity. Unfortunately, this never works. However, that's a general point. I've found it really irritating in the past when boyfriends have been angry with me because some other guy's hit on me, even though I've shut them down at the time. The emotionally intimate texts he is sharing with another girl is a different matter. You say that they have developed an emotional connection, which suggests that this is not someone who is just an old friend who might need a bit of support/tlc right now. This isn't appropriate if he's being genuinely respectful to your relationship. Although he doesn't want her to get offended, he is effectively leading her on and not being fair to either of you. You've already told him how you feel about it, and he continues in the same way. He is already aware of how vulnerable you are, but by staying with him you are giving him tacit approval. Never make threats which you have no intention of carrying out; if possible, never make threats at all. In answer to your question "When do I stop fighting for this relationship?"... I'd say, at the moment you have enough self-respect to focus on your depression and suicidal feelings, with professional help or a support group if necessary, and decide that your own growth and wellbeing is more important than being in this relationship. Your boyfriend is cheerfully getting on with his own life, regardless of your feelings, and this is not going to help your self-esteem at all. If you have already attempted suicide it suggests you're incredibly fragile and sensitive, and this is what you need to be focusing on rather than maintaining a relationship which is causing you a great deal of unhappiness at the moment. You can never change another person, period. I'd tell him that he is entitled to be in contact with whoever he likes, and that you respect that. But also tell him that you find being in a relationship on these terms to be unbearable, and that you'll need to end it for your own sanity. However, don't say this unless you are certain that you can carry it through. Good luck!
  23. The fiery passion doesn't last in relationships; in fact, it's only after you've lost that hormone-fuelled, rosy glow that you can start to see your partner as they really are and make a realistic judgment as to whether you're a good match. If they're lucky, this works out for couples - but it often doesn't. Despite the fact that he was very excited about the idea of having a kid, it sounds like he isn't interested in the reality of it at all. And he's using the porn as an escape. It isn't true that all guys use porn, and thinking they do - and that you had to tolerate it, despite you finding it intolerable - was a huge mistake. Even without the porn, though, the lack of intimacy is an issue in your relationship and it must be very difficult to carry on like this. Perhaps talking to him about it in a non-accusatory way might help, and there are also support groups both for people who are addicted to porn - and their partners. Good luck!
  24. I'd guess that when you didn't contact him for 5 days, he felt as rejected and puzzled as you do now. Add to that, when it looked as though you two were going to have a drink, you blew him off again ('let's aim for later in this week'). My guess is that he's given up on you. He may well be contacting other people, too. If I were you, I'd just leave it. If you like him, don't unmatch him - and leave that particular door open. In future, if you match with someone and you think it could go somewhere, put yourself in that other person's position as you think about your interactions. E.g. What would you think if they didn't contact you for five days? If they made an abrupt response to an essentially jokey comment and put off a meet?
  25. If a tidy home is that important to you, and she resists contributing to it equally, it sounds as though there's a serious issue about compatibility here. This won't go away, and the resentment will continue to build. This is not a good basis for a relationship. It's very important to accept people just the way they are - by which I mean, recognise that that is the way they operate, not that you tolerate habits which are intolerable to you. She has been showing you for ages who she is and how she works. Can you accept that, and not want to change her in any way? It doesn't sound like it, and I don't blame you. But you also need to understand that she is not going to change. The decision you need to make is whether your feelings are strong enough to cope with her untidiness as part of the package, or whether you'll grow to resent her so badly that it destroys your feelings. Anger, especially unexpressed anger, will get in the way of love. If you were to live separately, would it help? I had a long term relationship where I realised early on that we could never live together because we'd live in a pigsty unless I constantly cleared up after him. After we'd split up, his place started to resemble the sort of pics you get if you Google 'filthy houses', which really confirmed that my decision was the right one. We were together for 8+ years - but not under the same roof.
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