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Everything posted by DanZee

  1. Well, I still get some zingers from my mom too, and they hurt. My mom has always been super critical and it's rubbed off on me (although I hold my tongue when it's about critiquing people. I'll stick to TV shows, movies and politics). I've learned to ignore them but it sounds like they're eating you up. You should try to ignore the insults, or laugh them off, or say, "I know, ma, I know." But if you can't, all you can do is hang on and get out as quickly as possible.
  2. These are all the typical things that are said when breaking up with someone. Nobody likes to say, "it's over." Instead a lot of people try to soften the blow, saying things like, "It's me and not you." "I need time to think." "Maybe we can work things out in the future." "We can still be friends." "We'll talk about it later." I think you have to face the fact that he's broken up with you and you should go No Contact and begin to move on. Don't keep having a bunch of heartbreaking reunions every few weeks or months. They only keep the both of you from healing. Just accept the fact things are over and don't wait for a reconciliation.
  3. Yeah, I agree with Jellybean. I would also emphasize that since she just broke up yesterday, you have to give her time to heal. If you push her, you could wind up in a 3-4 month "rebound" relationship where she just uses the relationship to get her self-confidence back and then moves on leaving you behind in the dust. And definitely, you can't be the same boyfriend you were before with cheating and taking her for granted. The minute she senses any trust issues or problems, she's going to be gone. Also, she may only be looking for a friend right now, so you might want to hold your horses and not make any moves on her for some time. Just let her be a shoulder to cry on. Be there for her and not because you want to start things up again. But if you want a chance with her, you've got to show her you're a better man than you were in high school.
  4. Well, your boyfriend is being grumpy and selfish. If he was a good boyfriend, he would support your decision. Four hours is just about the time of a train ride between Boston and New York, so I know how long it is, and you could easily work out a schedule of visiting each other alternating weeks. Plus, I wouldn't mind being in New York for the weekend. And if he wanted to, I'm sure he could get a job in the city and join you. You might want to give this relationship a cold, hard look to see if this guy is the right guy for you.
  5. Yeah, I agree with Holly and everyone else. Don't get defensive with clients. Move from denial (my guys couldn't have done this) to acceptance (I'm sorry and it won't happen again. Remember, that you are servers and you're there to serve. Personally, I would tell you that if she does contact you for a future party, you might want to pass on the job. I don't think she will be happy even with your best service.
  6. Well, I think your counselor brings up divorce because there is something seriously wrong with your wife. This is not the way normal people act. She is certainly emotionally abusive from what you describe. But forgetting what she was doing, being transported to another dimension. It sounds like she's having breaks with reality. You're talking about trying to fix your relationship, trying to communicate with her, but if she is suffering from a mental illness, this is not something that you can fix. And wanting to have kids with someone who can't even do the dishes is cruel and abusive. I think you're in denial about the situation at home. You need to get her evaluated by a doctor. She may have ADHD, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, borderline personality disorder ... something! Either that or you're making all of this up. It's all in your head. As for the other things you talked about, you've got to step up. If you don't want the dishes left in the strainer, then put them away yourself. If you want your shirt tailored, bring it to the tailor yourself. Why are you asking someone who can't function well to do these tasks that you yourself are capable of doing? You need to be a man and step up. And you need to get help for your wife. Something has obviously happened to her, and you've got to realize it. I hope you get either her or yourself help.
  7. Gee, I wouldn't be worried about embarrassing him. If he's unemployed, he's been lying to you. And can you really trust anything he tells you? Plus if he doesn't have a job, then his education visa is probably up and he's in the country illegally. I would just caution you that you don't know him very well and he might be lying to you. You might want to have a heart-to-heart talk with him and find out what his real situation is. And also don't give him any money.
  8. Well, guys often insult each other as a kind of p*ssing contest, especially when first seeing each other. What did they say? Something like, hey, do you think you're a lumberjack or something with that shirt? Or did you get that shirt from Goodwill or something? Is this the first time you've encountered this? I don't think they're actually insulting you. It's more like being funny and welcoming you into their circle. And you say you feel great after meeting with them. I'm pretty sure it's harmless humor and you shouldn't be offended.
  9. Well, you left out a very important piece of data in your story -- what are the "specific circumstances" for you not being able to have a relationship? Do you still need more time from your past relationship to heal? Are you afraid of opening your heart again? Go out on a date with her. She wants to open her heart to you. That's a rare thing. What's wrong with her that you don't want to date her? She'll take your mind off your ex.
  10. You're three months into a relationship and you're worried about whether it's going to be a long-term relationship? What's the matter with you? You're getting way too ahead of yourself. Just enjoy the relationship. Stop talking about long-term plans and viewpoints on relationships and so on! You're ruining things. Look, she's about 25 and you're probably around the same age. You're still too young to get married. And she's already been married and she's still burnt by the experience. Just go with the flow, Joe! Have as much fun as you can! Travel! Go out to eat! Have as much sex as possible! Experience life! Stop being a Debbie Downer! You're still in the honeymoon phase of the relationship. Try to make it last as long as you can. When you make it to your one-year anniversary, then re-evaluate the relationship. See what's happened. By that time, you both may have fallen in love with each other and you may want to get engaged. Or the fun might have stopped. Or the relationship has achieved a nice balance. But stop overthinking about it. You will remember this relationship for the rest of your life. Make some great memories! So stop talking and keep having fun! See how it goes!
  11. Girls hate breaking up with people. That's why your ex seems wobbly on the issue. But you should really let the dust settle and leave her alone for a while. She needs to think and you need to cool down.
  12. You can't trust this guy. Is this the way you want to be treated? Every time he's out of your sight, he's cheating on you. Stop taking him back and kick him to the curb.
  13. This happens all the time. You were a rebound between relationships. Sorry. And then he has to ask the next girl to marry him to hang onto her. You shouldn't even worry about him. He's a jerk, especially to abandon you after you lost your mother. This is not someone you can depend on. Maybe he wasn't getting enough sex and he decided to move on.
  14. Come on, girls. He was hoping for sex. He realized he wasn't going to get it unless it turned into a relationship, and he didn't want that. It is Tinder after all. Suddenly he's busy for the next three weeks. Yeah, right. If you're looking for a relationship, this guy isn't it!
  15. After a couple of kisses and hugs, she might change her mind.
  16. Yeah, I agree with SherrySher. She should stop sexting this guy. He just wants sex. If she keeps this up, she'll wind the guy up and he'll be howling at her door like a cat in heat. And how much older are we talking about? Is this some sort of girlish infatuation?
  17. Sorry you're going through this. And also at 37, you want someone to settle down with. Learning about the age difference also makes some sense out of what your ex is doing. He's still immature and irresponsible to some extent. He still likes to party. You've got to force yourself to move on and rebuild your life.
  18. There are definitely some issues here. I wonder if she posts picture of herself and your boyfriend to keep other men from chatting her up. It makes it look like she's in a relationship. Maybe she fantasizes she's in a relationship with him. Or he is simply her closest friend. Maybe your boyfriend has a FWB relationship with her. I mean, I'm a guy, and I know what goes through guys' minds. He could be having two LDRs simultaneously. If they're not having sex, it's probably because she's turned him down. They certainly have an emotional relationship. The issue for you is whether it gets in the way of your relationship with him. Sometimes an emotional relationship can be stronger than a sexual relationship. Maybe it's time that you ask him to introduce you to his female friend. All of you could video chat together. That way, you could stake your claim and let her know he's in a relationship. Or maybe ask your boyfriend if you could contact his female friend on Facebook. If you post pictures of your boyfriend on your Facebook page and tag them, Facebook may suggest his friend as a possible friend to you and that could lead to you introducing yourself to her. I don't think you're being super jealous, but I think it's important to know who his friends are, especially if she's his best friend. He could be hiding you from her, but you'll know what the dynamic is when you see them interact together. You certainly need to find out before you move in together. I would also caution you about having a LDR. How many times have you actually met each other in 5 months? A handful of times? That is not enough time to really know someone. Texting gives the ILLUSION of dating and being close, but you can learn more about a person in 10 minutes being together than in a month of texting. Also through texting, people can be more careful about what they say than in real life. On ENA, we have certainly seen a lot of posts from people in an LDR who never really knew the person they were texting. So certainly be extra careful before moving in with anyone. LDRs allow people to hide a lot of things from the other person.
  19. Wait a minute, here. Are you trying to get sympathy? This is a completely different story than you told yesterday: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=556037 With the cheating and the sex work, and so on. I mean, come on. You've got to face your demons. If you want honest advice, you have to be honest, and you have to be honest to yourself. You and your wife have a HUGE number of issues to work through. She's in a Sugar Daddy relationship for money. Throughout her life, she has been constantly trying to get the attention of men whether she's been in a relationship or not. It sounds like a sex addiction brought on by sexual abuse at an early age. (You don't actually have to have sex to have this sort of behavior.) But she could be suffering from borderline personality disorder that doesn't allow her to know what's right or wrong, just to follow her erratic impulses. You've hinted at some similar abuse when you were growing up that has damaged your self-esteem and self confidence. I mean, if you want us to say, cheer up, chap. It'll all work out. Fine. Cheer up! She'll come back to you! But the reality of the situation is much different. I would say you need to start on yourself. You've got to build up your self-confidence. Work on yourself. Focus on the things you're successful at. Exercise. Eat right. Be a man! Stop having sex with the wife while you're separated. She's only using you! Get more involved in counselling. Ask what you can do to increase your self-esteem. (There are some exercises like keeping a journal or writing lists about what's good about yourself.) Spend time with family and friends. Stop making everything about your wife. Start making it about YOU! I would say you're depressed. Maybe you need to get some anti-depressants to get out of your rut. Concentrate on your daughter. Be a father to her so she knows someone loves her. Set some goals in your life, and no, it doesn't mean setting a goal of getting back with your wife. I would say your goal should be about getting back on your feet and finding happiness. Do things that make you happy. Focus on things you can change. Recite a mantra to yourself like the Stuart Smalley affirmation "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me." Work on yourself, and you might be able to change what's happening around you.
  20. I know you're hurting, but there are a lot of red flags in your relationship. First of all, the arguing and fighting. This is never good in a relationship. When you're fighting over minor things, then arguing is about trying to control and manipulate the other person. You should think about the fights and why you were having them. The break ups and then making up again is part of emotional abuse. It's a way of getting you to accept his "friendship" with his female friend, the drug taking, and him leaving you whenever he felt like it to be with her. You get to the point where you think it's just normal behavior from him. But it's not normal behavior in a relationship. And it makes you emotionally dependent on "them." You're isolated. You have no friends other than your boyfriend and this girl. He breaks up, you take him back. This creates all sorts of drama and he begs you to forgive him, so you think he loves you. But it's part of the emotional abuse pattern. If you Google "emotional abuse" see if what comes back describes your relationship. Next is this other woman friend of his. Was she supplying him drugs? He would go over to her place and come back to you at 3 am totally high. Was that their connection? I mean, if I'm spending that much time alone with another woman, I'm either having sex with her, doing drugs with her, or both. Love triangles don't work out and here, you're the odd man out. She constantly intruded on your relationship. She seemed to be controlling your boyfriend. She controlled him and he controlled you. They certainly were having an emotional relationship even if it wasn't sexual. Maybe she wouldn't have sex with him, but he would have sex with you thinking of her. Anyway, you sound like a sensitive, caring young woman and you need to actually find a guy who deserves you. I know it's difficult. Guys can be real jerks. For a lot of young guys, it's all about them. Get drunk, get laid, have a good time. Relationship? Who cares about a relationship? You've got to find a serious, romantic guy who is actually looking for partner rather than someone to cook, clean and has sex with you.
  21. That's what I heard too. You may not be able to envision a life without him, but apparently he can envision a life without you. Is he being emotionally abusive to you? What's your relationship like?
  22. How old is he? This is something a teenager might say. It would be a little strange coming from someone older.
  23. So, you've never actually dated Stacy, have you? I think you have a lot of issues that you need to address with a professional who can guide you through the problems you're having. You need to figure out what is real and what isn't. Talking to a counselor or a therapist might be a good place to start.
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