princesa

Thanks for the advice. Sounds fair enough. It's so good to hear an independent opinion. Princesa

Thanks. It's really difficult giving up on someone you really love and who hasn't hurt you in anyway. But sometimes circumstances or differences just get in your way. How long do you "fight" and try? How do you find that spark again and how do you get from the serious side back to the lighter side where you can enjoy each other without being afraid of what might happen tomorrow? How do you know something like this is just temporary (stress, lack of interest in sex, etc) and doesn't mean the person is not really interested anymore? Do you just move on...ALWAYS? Princesa

Ok guys, this frum has been a major help before ad hopefully it still is... I've been with this guy for about 8 months, mainly long distance, but with some periods of 1-2 months living together. We've had great time sexually, as friends, travelling, talking, getting to know each others lives and friends etc. For stress at work from his side and some other problems from my side our sex life has been almost inexistent recently - last time we spent together for 10 days we just couldn't find the time or the mood to have sex at all. There is still tenderness and I honestly think we love each other a lot. But this stress and lack of sex and living long distance is just getting to us, and the longer we struggle in this vicious circle, the more it's affecting us. I want to move to his place, he might have wanted that too, but recently he has started to hesitate and prefers me moving closer (I want to move) but in a different flat just in case. I feel like s**t. I don't want to lose him or give up, but is there any chance of us finding each ther again and forgetting about the "bad times"? Nw we're breaking up and it HURTS!!! Please help. Princesa

Foz, I'm so sorry...remember I wrote earlier that I had read my ex's mails and found out about him sleeping around. I know how you feel...you just don't want to believe it but now you just can't deny. I like your plans and new determination! Go on, you can do it and eventually you WILL find a new guy that'll hopely love you and be more consecuent. Good luck, Princesa

I know what you mean...and it's really important to let them know "it doesn't matter", otherwise they can get real big trauma and inferiority complex. Funny enough, there still can be more closeness without sex than in some other relationships! Anyways, sometimes I hesitate about this, because I have my sexuality too and the relationship wouldn't go too well either if I was "unsatisfied" (I'm not, but to be honest sometimes I'd like to have more sex and get and give without having to get him focused) But then again...it's all about patience...

Hello guys, sorry I haven't been commenting my own topic for a while! Here I am, still trying to be patient with my very own ADHD-patient. PA's advice was very welcome and true - it's all about patience and accepting them as they are. BUT we can't forget that we're human too, we may not have any disorders, but our flaws should be understood as well. I always say to my boyfriend that I have accepted to love him just as he is and I'm happy I've learned some patience (mind you I'm normally no patient person). But when I act "funny" he should forgive me too...which seems to be difficult. He always makes such a scene, overreacts, bursts out terribly etc. Working on that though...and here again, the more patient I am with him, more he HAS to control his overreactions too. Anyways, believe me, I completely understand what you're saying. It IS annoying when he proposes to see a movie but after 15 minutes loses his concentration and starts surfing on the computer or talking at the same time. Or we go for a walk and he either talks all the time about himself or starts sending sms to everybody he knows. Or we're having a really interesting conversation and just as I start feeling he's so understanding etc, he stands up and starts talking about something completely different. I'm quite used to that now, though...I try not to take it personlly and just try to laugh and tell him "So you can't concentrate anymore, can you?" or "If you can't watch the movie honey, please let me finish watching it and then we can do something together". Actually I think it has helped, because he sees that I accept him with the disorder, but I don't jump according to his moods. Another thing, that has been a bit difficult for me compared to my other relationships is his sexuality. He likes sex very much and also talks about it a lot, but then again, if he's stressed or whatever's bothering him, he just can't have sex. Or let's say he's lustless. It's like as if he needed to be fully focused on lust, which we seldom are, there is so much more into life. So it demands so much effort from my side to get him focused. I'd also say he's pretty tactless, he says things without considering their consequences. I may tell him 1000 times he shouldn't talk about other women so much (I am jealous, who wouldn't be if you have to hear every bl%%dy description about every woman) but he just can't control it. He utters all his thoughts - spontaneous, tactless, thoughtless... But then again, sooooo creative and intelligent. I can't understand how he gets all those brillant ideas when so "out of control". There are many wonderful things in our relationship, things I never experienced with anybody else. I haven't felt that anybody loved me more either. It's true that I've had to learn to be more patient and there are things that'll annoy me over and over again, but so far I've decided to keep on putting up with that for what the whole thing is worth. PATIENCE. And not taking their actions personally, however letting them very calmly know how you feel and where are your limits - you can't let them completely loose either. According to my experience they need some "guidance" too. Take care and keep on posting, Princesa

Thanks guys for your comments. I mostly agree. Yes, that's what may happen...we would get deadly bored with a boring guy too. So why being so routinary then? I consider myself a very interesting person, but I have to admit my being available all the time and cooking every d$£%ed day just because I'm used to may be a bit too much to soon... I don't think men really want to have a b%£ch as a girlfriend, but they get bored by nature if everything is so obvious and routinary. No matter how much love in between. This applies for women too, we get bored too. Maybe this is why women really tend to fall for car thiefs and scumbags in general... I agree that it's all about mutual respect and power arrangements and not taking or being taken for granted. Like I said, I had made the mistake myself that I have EXPECTED things to go that way (girl is lovable, man loves girl forever) - and always got disappointed. I have completely ignored that maybe this other person doesn't expect the same. But it's also very difficult to know in the beginning what the other person expects. Also one thing is to say beforehand what you expect (I know this because I met my boyfriend through internet and I thought we had cleared the expectations part before we even met!) and then how you FEEL in the relationship (mutual chemistry etc). I want to stress too that I didn't mean I had been doormat in a way that I have no own opinion or never oppose to him - it's just like Luciana said, I want to spend time and effort on him. Too available you could say. And it's difficult to just say "you have to respect yourself", because I do, I don't think by wanting to cook for him I disrespect myself just because I want to please. I do that out of love, without thinking. BUT in my relationship in his opinion the problem is that I did that expecting he wants it (=I did the opposite I wanted and ignored him). So now I hope I have learned my lesson and try to ask from now on what HE wants to do, to eat out or should I cook something? To be honest, after that conversation things have been a lot better and I feel a lot better myself too, because he asks me to do things too, and obviously it is a bigger satisfaction when you are asked = wanted. Gotta read that book though... - in order not to forget! Good luck guys, Princesa

You're definitely right, nowadays people tend to 1) want just the best bits of a relationship, as soon as it turns dull or problems arise, it's easier to move on than to have a look into the mirror 2) have too much choice, want to have everything and everybody 3) do everything fast: love, relationships incl. Anything that takes time has a lable "Why bother". 4) want to be eternally in love, that's the best feeling and helps to make all other things (stress, challanges, ageing...) more bearable. Distraction. I don't want to go into the details of how things have changed with the freedom and emancipation etc - but they have. It makes me sad...you share so much with someone and after a while you break up and when you meet after some time you only feel this stich in you heart, if even that...Love is an illusion? Princesa

Hi there. I've been supported by this forum very often, and I thought I'd share something with you and raise a question. Let's read those opinions. I thought my current relationship was falling apart but apparently it isn't really - at least not yet. Myself I've started to have recently the same feeling like ever so often in several relationships before this: I'm taken for granted, I feel whatever I do it's not appreciated and "doesn't buy me love"...for some reason I always end up dumbed and asking myself why men at the end of the day treat me like [PROFANITY REMOVED BY MODERATOR] when in the beginning they seem to praise I'm what every guy is looking for. Basically I've even seen a counsellor about this, why am I such a doormat. My friend said me once that I can't pretend to be a [PROFANITY REMOVED BY MODERATOR] and distant if I love to cook for him and "be nice"...the one who'll love me for real will love me for what I am! So my question is SHOULD we change? Become dream girls just to please? Isn't it wiser to move on (every time?) if the person starts behaving like he was not interested any more? Should we all be dream girls = alike? I have to tell you something, maybe this will even encourage many of us who in a way like to search for flaws in other person and can't see own "mistakes". Some time ago my boyfriend told me I've become too familiar for his taste. Right...I've been devastated ever since, just waiting for him to utter next (what I've heard so often) "I really like you and you are what every man would want their wife to be, BUT I'm not in love"...I've been TRYING to be more distant and interesting. It's hard, I wanna be myself. Well last night we talked and he explained me that he just meant that he'd like to share, instead of me waiting every time at home with the dinner ready and doing everything for him, he'd like to cook together and see me doing things when he asks for that. I shouldn't be like his mother, because otherwise he'd get fed up and he said he critisized me only to avoid this. I was baffled: this has ALWAYS happened but those guys had given me other reasons for breaking up. I have to say first I was hurt because being wrong hurts...and because I've sincerely thought all those guys should love me for doing those things (I don't force myself, I like "taking care") for them. But this morning I woke up quite happy - shouldn't I appreciate him telling me this? Poor guy just wants me to ask him to clean up together instead of always rushing to do things for him. Besides, it seems he WANTS to continue our relationship and keep it interesting. I've been wrong and "selfish" in a way...just assuming I should be worshipped as a dream girl for what I do... All I need to learn now - without following all the advice of self-help books and acting in - is to take him and his idea of a relationship more into account. Hopely this could help some of you, too...maybe being a dream girl doesn't mean being a [PROFANITY REMOVED BY MODERATOR] after all, but just taking the other person into account in a not-mother-like-way? Princesa

Dear Foz, believe me, like probably all of us here, we KNOW how you feel. Isn't it funny, when it happens to you, you think you're the only one in the whole wide world who's heart broken... - at least you believe nobody was hurting THIS badly. It IS a pain, really - I'd much rather break my leg or get a tooth extracted than break my heart again. But life is such a bit..h, so why not trying to be one yourself? Get angry, get a grip, get better. Little by little. I know this sounds lame, but it's the only way to go, because even if you feel now you cannot live without him, after some years you'll most probably be a) laughing about this memory and living happily with somebody else or b) going through the same agony because of somebody else... - which is what I seem to be doing regularily. But my point is, everything W-I-L-L pass, no matter what it is. You can't see that now, but hang in there and try to make the best of it to make it change asap. What comes to this guy, obviously he IS doing better than you, he has moved on and is not grieving at all. This doesn't mean that he doesn't love you though, but he does NOT love you the way you want to be loved and you should not even want to settle for him like this. Obviously now you're hurting that much that anything with him would be better than this state you're in, but hey, get a grip. If this would be happening to your friend, what would you say to her? Just try to be proud, it's hard, but give it a good try. Besides, the more courageous he sees you, the better are your chances that he will indeed see what he has lost. Something I will never understand but that's the way it goes: the minute they see you're doing fine without them, they start hesitating. As long as you're all available and "acting like a loser", he won't come back either. Why would he, he can still take his time while you're letting him sense all the time that you're still waiting for him? If I was you, I didn't see him at all for a while at least. Until you feel better. Leave the painting with the landlord, or throw it out of your window. Go abroad (my trick...this is the 5th foreign country I'm living in now ), change jobs, start a new hobby, have a haircut, move to your friend's (I do this too, oh boy how much I owe to my pals!). Anything helps, a bit. Sorry for all these harsh words - in a way I'm telling them to myself, too. Don't hesitate to repeat them to my when I'm in your state and whining here again...being cynical again, but I think I will. I haven't completely broke up with my current boyfriend, but it's not like going soooo happily either, we're bickering all the time as well. I really really hope you'll get better soon! You're state reminds me so much of my past and probably even forthcoming agonies. But to tell you the truth, it doesn't help when people feel sorry for you, it only helps when you pull yourself together, or somebody gets you to do it. Hugs and positive thoughts, Princesa

Dear Foz, first of all, I'm really really sorry for you! I feel terribly lonely today, loveless, alone in a foreign country on a saturday night,...and reading your posts has made me feel a lot for you, because I've been there too, and because even in these sad circumstances, for what we all are in this forum I guess, I still feel we're sharing and helping each other. That's the intro, and now I wanted to tell you off: do NOT read his mails!!! Really, I have this terrible habit of snooping around, out of insecurity that is (I've been betrayed so badly that I always suspect I'm not loved honestly, at least not exclusively), and I can really tell you you're only hurting yourself. And like somebody wrote earlier - only you can tell yourself off (I'm trying here, but you have to do that!) A couple of years ago my boyfriend back then broke up with me giving all kinds of excuses from how he wanted to be single for some years to how he was too young to commit. We had lived together too and it was pure h**l I had to go through...and didn't I do the thing you're doing: I started reading his mails. I found out all sorts of nasty things, read about how he explained in detail to his friend how it had been to sleep with somebody else after all that terrible time HE had to pass through after dumbing me, poor little thing. I kept on doing that some time - and hurt myself more and more. The more I read, the more I knew there was no going back, but at the same time I couldn't stop living in that self-pity. Please stop doing that...!!! I wish back then I hadn't done that. I still feel the insecurity, I probably only increased it by snooping around, and with other boyfriends I've also done the mistake of snooping until I found some picture of an ex-girlfriend or something to be jealous of. Even if it didn't really change his feelings whether I knew how his ex had looked like. It only tortured me. Really pathetic and stupid (thanks for somebody saying it's human, though...). But I understand now that it ONLY makes things worse and distracts you from the facts: fact is he doesn't want to be with you like you want to be with him...it hurts sooooo much, I know, but at the end of the day, do you want to be with someone who doesn't with all his heart want to spend his time with you? Courage girl, you seem to be a brillant woman, you do important things in your work, you have friends - you'll survive. All that reading of my ex's mails didn't bring him back...and guess what, after that I've met a couple of really amazing men I'd never met if I had kept on reading those pathetic mails of his. I'm still looking for my place and man in this world too...everything always seems to go wrong and I'm losing my self-esteem little by little. But let's try to hang in there. Like somebody wise said: our greatest glory's not in never failing but rising always again. Good luck and positive thoughts, Princesa

Hi, I'm so sorry for you, but believe me, I totally understand - I broke up end of March and met a wonderful guy in June, he too had broken up in May. We had a wonderful summer, even though we also had lots of fights and it got a lot of getting used to each other. Maybe a lot of all that trying was just willingness to forget about the ex's, I don't know. Anyways...now I feel what he wants is his ex back. Especially recently he has uttered some comments that make me think he's not over his ex, or that he'd like me to be more like her - distant, glamorous, bit...h. And this girl also gave him an ultimatum about getting married or that's it. He said no, back then. What can I do? What can we do? I suppose there is nothing more to do than to wait and withdraw a bit, just to give them time to think and figure out what they want. I think your guy said it really nicely, he just needs time. The worst here would be to push him. I don't really think at the end of the day these guys want to be pushed into a marriage either. It really is sad. I hate to be in this situation AGAIN, it makes me think there really is something wrong with me. And the worse I feel myself, the more like a loser I act...and the less he wants to be with me. A vicious circle. That's why I've decided to back off...at least he won't see me sad and like a underdog. So girl, you have to wait. You have my sympathy . If it's meant to be something else that a rebound, it'll be. Good luck, Princesa

Thanks so much for your response. I underline everything you say...and I have to say after fighting and banging my head against the wall I think I've really become patient, and believe me, patience never has been my strength. BUT the problem is, since ADD is there, he can't obviously learn anything or change anything, and in order to make concessions myself I need to see that the other one at least tries to notice my needs. I think however it's a matter of adjusting, learning to be patient and not taking these moods too personally. And of course you need to love... There are nice characteristics as well ... it's just that negligence, terrible outbursts, underappreciation, continuous fighting...that's killing me.

Does anybody know how to handle "the case" or does anybody have any experience with a partner who has ADHD or is manic-depressive. I might have to do with the case and would be interested to exchange views. Thanks. Princesa

Thank you so much for your replies. Smusher, I do know these control games...but I h-a-t-e them, and I play them very badly when reeeeeally in love. Deep in my heart I believe someone who'll love me for what I am worth won't needany games. Mazurka, thanks for your nice comments. I admit I've thought too, that maybe it's just the lack of reltionship that makes me want to be with this person. But to be honest, I don't think it is, at least not only that. It's more like that now that we've had such a rough start and I've learned so many things, I'd rather not give up now. I want to pick up the fruits as well. About whether we're over our ex's, I'm not so sure about him. I guess he's over, but he's very much emotionally traumatized and maybe for that reason not capable of a steady relationship now. For myself I can say that I was very much in love in the relationship just before this, it wasn't a long one either, and I have to say in retrospective that the other guy was a load of superficial sh%t compared to this (I just didn't see that while in love, did I?)...so, it's also difficult to say in the passion or the beginning of the relationship if this is the one for you. Just because eeeeverything is so great. I think grown-up people work their way into a steady relationship. But I do appreciate what you're saying - another break-up so little time after the other break-up just isn't really fun, better slow down a bit and avoid getting too involved. Actually, we have casual contact again...I think there may be a possibility to slow down without completely calling it off. Good luck for you guys too.

Hi there everybody. 5 months ago this forum saved me from grieving to death over a break-up, then I found another love...(yes, there IS life and new relationships after a break up - and it can be even better!!)...and now I'm back here. I'd better tell you why - and I'd truly appreciate a piece of advice. So I found this guy and from the beginning it seemed to go quite serious, also given the fact that both of us have been in rather many relationships and most of the people around us are already married and we wann have families too etc. Basically we thought this might be it, and we uttered mutual interest in really making this one work. On our second date we went on holiday and directly after that lived together for 5 weeks due to the fact that we live in different countries and in summer it was possible to get to know each other "better" that way. Kind of fast, but then again, is THAT the problem, really? We surely got to know each other better during that time - both in good and bad! He's no easy character (we're talking about a mental disorder here, nothing more than a strong personality really, but still)... getting used to him being so different from all the other guys I've been with was really tough. On holiday, between beautiful days there were many, many fights - and I surely didn't show him my best features all the time either. Everything seemed to bother me or become an issue between us, fights started so easily. Mind you that I'm not a person who likes arguing. Every second day at least we had a heated discussion and one of us was packing bags - but always we made it up. And in between, we gained closeness and our love grew. All in all...it was very tough time in deed...but the best thing for me personally is the fact that we made it and I can at least say on my behalf that I learned A LOT about respect and adjustment, I literally learned to love him despite all those things I didn't like when we started seeing each other 24h/day. If you're asking by now, what on earth I'm doing in here then...well, everything changed. Maybe the nearness became too much, maybe the distance after that, maybe the continuous fights had to end some day. Now we're basically breaking up, the last argument doesn't seem to clear up and there have been serious signs now that this is it. He's got rather cold and unapproachable for me. He has said some not so nice things to me (he does that when argueing usually too, so I can't tell if this is how he now really feels - all of the sudden). And I'm sad. I took me time and the pumpy ride to start loving him as he is and I had to make concessions. But he doesn't seem to be able to make any concessions himself and as much as I can see that he's disappointed and sad about our relationship fading away, he can't give in and he blames me for ruining everything. I have to ad that we're both at the moment in a very difficult professional situation and also somehow quite susceptible. Basically the relationship's all tangled up now and we're supposed to meet up only to say goodbye when I'm next time around, he texted a couple of days ago = last contact. Sorry for the longuish intro, but now I need your advice on this: 1) Do you think a love can turn around like this? Or is this some game here again...? If so, why now that we've gone through so much already and NOW that I'm really in love (=too available?). 2) I think I've explained everything I could to clear the situation which is NOT my fault, I've said I loved him - should I still try and make an effort or just no contact until I can see him in 2 weeks? 3) Do you think, if somebody "really" wanted to break up/stopped caring he'd say in an indifferent way "if you wanna be with me go ahead, I don't care anymore"...and next day texted you that he doesn't want to say goodbye in a sms so let's do that face-to-face next time I'm around? 4) What the %**£ am I supposed to do? Forget about him 'cos it would be "easier"? Like I said, he is a difficult but probably the most lovable person I've ever met. And I just feel it's unfair to really "work" so much on the relationship and then just throw it away. More indifferent and trivial relationships last... Really sorry for this long article, but I'd appreciate if somebody gave me a hint about what's going on...anybody? (Lisaria's still around?) Thanks. Princesa

Hello there, I wanted to post another topic in another place, but when I saw your post, I just wanted to comment. That's how I feel. WHY on earth does it have to be like that. When I was still hesitating, my boyfriend wanted the biggest commitment and closeness...now that I'm close, he's backing off...I feel like whenever I get too close = I get too available and stop being distant and thereforeeee become unattractive. Communication's totally blocked now. It's like a rollercoaster. We used to get really close communicating, but it seems to be a passing state, it's like no lasting trust can be built. Last week we were in love ( I suppose) and talking serious, now we're breaking up. I've thought it might be because 1) it's a game, pull closer-pull apart 2) I've really made myself too available by learning to be understanding 3) he has some psycological problems and can't commit - yes, he wants to, but cannot I don't now. But I'd like to know, why can't the state of trust be continued. Princesa

Dear all, especially everyone who supported me during 2 difficult months after my break up!! Just in case you happened to wonder where I disappeared 2 weeks ago...well: I healed. I truly thought it would take me a lot longer, because I was only spending my days wondering about my ex, what he was doing, if he was missing me, how to contact him after strictly applying the rule and not contacting him, etc. Yeah, naturally I exercised, became a better person and everything you're supposed to do, if you're looking for a support of this forum. So I did all this, finally even contacted him, he answered and we flirted a bit. But: despite all that excitement about maybe getting back together...something seemed to be still wrong and I started thinking maybe it had been wrong all along and really, I should be moving on. Well, in order to do that, I surfed on a website where we actually had met...and guess what I found!!! While I was wondering about heartbroken he had put a new add looking for a new, perfect partner!!! And not just an add, it is the most pathetic, obnoxious wanted-add ever!!! He describes himself as the God himself and declares to be looking for a girl that seems to be really difficult to find. He uses descriptions that are so over the top and truly pathetic that it made me want to throw up. The saddest thing is that if you don't pay attention to the pathetic sound of the add, the poor guy is really describing ME...or at least I think I'm the closest to his dream girl that he can get. But for me, all those things that seemed to be the most important things in a person FOR HIM, mean nothing : like wearing trendy clothes and acting naturally in the jet set scene (oh, yes...2 of his criteria, believe me...). So I just realised all at once that this guy is a pathetic scumbag,I deserve so much better and I really really am so much more than he wants. Sadly, his add was headed with the line " I only settle for the best..." ... Somebody said here once that "Someone who truly loves you knows exactly what you're worth"...and so it will be. This guy doesn't deserve me...and the most amazong thing is, I may have found the one who does!!!! This other guy appeared in my life out of blue and it's amazing how similar our experiences and thoughts are. I'm falling in love head over heels, I feel it, and it scares the s$%t out of me - but I know things happen for a reason, and if this new relationship is meant to be, then it is. I'm still traumatized by the thought that maybe everything looks so great in the beginning but turns out so badly afterwards...and I have hard time believing somebody is really willing to love me as I am, without any defences. But it feels great. It feels simply great. WOW, guys...this could be waiting for you too!!! So many many thanks for all those who told be I'd thrive and fall in love again...I AM!!! Thanks for all the support and caring, I hope I helped you too...sometimes. With love, Princesa PS. In case I get heart broken again, which I hope not, because I deserve to find that love of my life FINALLY...I know where to find help. =D>

Dear Lisa, yes...that's the way to go!!! We h-a-v-e to realise when to stop, we can't go on wondering about and hoping forever. There's too much life and too many wonderful people out there we'll miss out in the meanwhile!!! I tried the very last time too, and I don't know what that was the other day with my ex, some weird exchange of flirty e-mails, but I don't see it being anything else really. And if there is something I've learned during the last months of no contact...it's that I'm worth so much more!!!!! We'll survive, yes there will be bad times, but not for long. May the real healing start take care, I'll be there for you, Princesa

Ok, this whole thing has made me a mess. Maybe I'm stuck with no contact rule or something, as if it was a new religion... I still haven't answered this e-mail from him thanking for the surprise and asking how I was doing, this was on Monday - I just can't help thinking that I have to stick to NC!!!! Honestly, I'm so afraid of answering, even if I kept it light and flirty, maybe he won't answer back!!! Then I'd lose the upper hand and feel completely dumped, which I didn't when we broke up, because I sort of put an end to it. Could I take that? I'm so confused now. I want to use this chance if it is one, but I don't think I want to risk it. Maybe it's the best just to move on...???? If I stuck to no contact NOW AGAIN, would it be stupid thinking that I sent a birthday greeting? On the other hand, that was an invitation itself, he could have put a bit more effort from his side, right? I mean, if he really really saw this as an invitation as well, wouldn't he call or e-mail again, even several times, he just sent 1 line thanking and saying it was a pleasent surprise. No kisses, nothing. But he asked how I was? So what does that mean, that he still wants to hear from me? ANALYZE this!!!!! AAAAAARGH!! Will I commit a mistake if I answer, or if I don't??? Princesa

Muneca, thanks...don't worry, I'm not in a hurry. What can I lose what I haven't lost or gained in this relationship already!!! Look, type No Contact-rule in the search field and you get currently 4849 answers... ...there are some really good explanations especially from the moderators, besides my english is too crap to explain it well. Basically it means that after the break up you're not supposed to be in touch or at least not contact yourself your ex in order to a) have time for personal growth and getting over,if you're lucky b) to make him miss you and want to come back. So if you are not applying the rule, today's the day to start!!!!!! Princesa

Thanks guys, you are the best! I couldn't have survived the break up and the past 2 months without this forum, so don't leave me now either!!! You're all soooo right, that's exactly what I'm going to do: flirt. No man resists a flirt, and (sorry guys, but...) they are so easy to wrap around your finger, really. Like you say Hoping&Praying, I'd just put my feelings on a silver plate to be crushed if I expected more than there is. And there is no real love and affection. He likes me, he has a crush on me before I got all serious and wanted a real commitment. He wants to be passionate and foolish in a realationship. So here's what he'll get: mystery and flirt. I have no idea (yet) if this will work and if there's something in it for me too, but I'm not over him and everything I feel is to give him something, if it can't be all of me, then so why not try this game. I'll let you know if he still gets back to me...I guess I'm supposed to e-mail him now how I'm doing - I will, but not yet, let him wait and wonder... Thanks again + lots of hugs, Princesa PS. Lisa, it'll come...keep cool.

Thanks for your vitalcoaching. I would never dismiss an advice from a guy that looks like you do (supposing this is you on the pic) I think you're right, gotta keep it light...it was so wonderful before things got serious and that's when he apparently realised he wasn't in love enough for a commitment. Fine, ok with me...then let's play. I'm better in games anyways than in relationhips. I tend to give to much in the latter. A longer stable relationship is not possible anymore, I think, I don't even think I'm going to see him ever again since we live veeeeery many miles apart. But it would be nice to have the upper hand for a change... Princesa PS. I checked the vitalcoaching web site. It's quite interesting.

Hello everybody. (Lisaria this one goes especially for you!) I just wrote somewhere that I had sent my ex (who I suppose genuinely likes me but is not madly in love, so I broke up 2 months ago and have been applying no contact strictly) a birthday greeting, quite an "unresistible" birthday greeting, to be honest. And I have been counting days when he might receive it, and just like I thought, today. How do I know he has just received it? Because he answered right away. There it was: bling, I see on my screen an e-mail from him saying he had received it, it was a pleasent surprise and asking how I'm doing. So guys, now what???????? F%£k. I wanted this, I provoked this, but now I don't know how to handle it. Lisa, like I said, this is an either or situation...closure or a getting back together. Probably just closure, because if he had wanted something, he could have contacted himself, right? But still...maybe this is THE chance, I don't believe there will be another and I don't want to screw it up. So what to do? Not answer at all...? Answer casually? Say what? I'm so unsure and restless now...maybe this was a mistake, now it's starting all over again...the truth is, I have survived these 2 months only thinking of a last opportunity I might get when I contacted after a longer silence. Stupid of me. Please, what would you do???? Princesa

Lisa, I guess we are in the same situation then...waiting. This time around not just wondering about but playing the last card, right? Maybe dreams will come true and we'll have happy endings...if not, let's just hang around here in this forum for some time more and then find new princes. Deal? Princesa